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What made you smile today :)
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1350. |
03 Oct 2010 Sun 05:33 am |
a few silly puns 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur´s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it´ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ´You stay here; I´ll go on a head.´
13.. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ´Keep off the Grass.´
15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it´s your vote that counts. In feudalism it´s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you´d be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ´I´m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.´
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ´Dam!´
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can´t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ´I´ve lost my electron.´ The other says ´Are you sure?´ The first replies, ´Yes, I´m positive.´
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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1351. |
05 Oct 2010 Tue 06:05 pm |
Paraprosdokian sentences
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn´t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn´t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you,. But it´s still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with ´Good evening´, and then proceed to tell you why it isn´t.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don´t need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Ø I didn´t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won´t expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they´re at home, even if you wish they were.
Ø Money can´t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I´m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I´m not sure.
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Ø You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the "target".
Ø Nostalgia isn´t what it used to be.
Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
Edited (10/5/2010) by Elisabeth
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1352. |
05 Oct 2010 Tue 06:44 pm |
Paraprosdokian sentences
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
I think, we keep hearing this story about a poet, Sumbulzade vehbi efendi, and the sultan, in history: Sultan calls him and says ´do write a poem for me in a way that with the first line I would want to kill you but with the second line I would like to reward you´.
(The style is called ´rücu´=reverting/retracting in Ottoman language..)
And he writes one :
Azm-ü hamam edelim,sürtüstürem ben sana,
Kese ile sabunu,rahat etsin cism-ü can..
Lal-i sarab içirem ve islatip geçirem,
Parmagina yüzügü,hatem-i zer drahsan..
***
Egil egil sokayim,iki tutam az midir?
Lale ile sümbülü kahkülüne nevcivan..
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Diz çökerek önüne ilik ilik akitam,
Bir gümüs ibrik ile destine ab-i revan..
***
Salinarak giderken arkandan ben sokam,
Ard etegin beline,olmasin çamur aman..
***
Kulaklarindan tutam,dibine kadar sokam,
Sahtiyandan çizmeyi,olasin yola revan..
***
Öyle bir sokayim ki,kalmasin disarda hiç,
Düsmanin bagrina,hançerimi nagehan..
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Eger arzu edersen ben agzina vereyim,
Yeterki sen kulundan lokum iste her zaman..
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Herkeze vermektesin,birde bana versene
Avuç avuç altini,olsun kulun saduman..
***
Sen her zaman gelesin,ben Vehbi´ye veresin,
Esselamun aleyküm ve aleykümüsselam...
anybody care to translate?
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1353. |
06 Oct 2010 Wed 06:41 pm |
The fact my baby is all healthy so far and that I am having a BOY!!!!!
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1354. |
06 Oct 2010 Wed 06:55 pm |
Congrats on your healthy baby! May you and your baby have continued health!!
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1355. |
06 Oct 2010 Wed 08:07 pm |
Ditto....what she said....
Congrats on your healthy baby! May you and your baby have continued health!!
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1356. |
06 Oct 2010 Wed 08:53 pm |
Congrats! Any ideas for names?
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1357. |
06 Oct 2010 Wed 09:10 pm |
Thanks all and yes we have some names in thought but nothing determined just yet
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1358. |
10 Oct 2010 Sun 09:19 pm |
On Friday actually . . .
On Thursday, my school´s new behaviour regime was rolled out to the children in a special assembly. The school council (children) had formulated 5 new school rules and activities for Golden Time on Friday afternoons. One of the rules is that only appropriate language should be used in school.
So . . . there I am on playground duty on Friday morning (the children drink their milk on the playground) and it was time to return to class. When I asked for a certain class to walk into school, a child from my class pointed to another boy and said "He´s just farted!". Whilst I didn´t want to reprimand the little boy, I do hate the word farted, so I said (in my best nice teacher voice lol), "Oh Robbie please don´t use that word because it doesn´t sound nice. Use pumped or bubbled instead." To which the boy replied. "But Miss, he´s just started drinking his milk!"
Note to self . . . don´t forget to wash ears out.
Edited (10/10/2010) by peacetrain
[eyesight needed attention too]
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1359. |
13 Oct 2010 Wed 07:51 pm |
I got the puschair and all extras I really wanted yesterday for a real bargain! You´ve got to love ebay!
The car seat I got is £150 in mothercare alone, and I paid £150 for the puschair, car seat, carry cot, clips, covers, cosey toes etc.
I worked it out, if I bought it all from new I would have spent over £750!! It´s all in lovely condition, and hardly used and I couldn´t be happier, especially with over £600 saved in my pocket
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1360. |
14 Oct 2010 Thu 03:40 pm |
I got the puschair and all extras I really wanted yesterday for a real bargain! You´ve got to love ebay!
The car seat I got is £150 in mothercare alone, and I paid £150 for the puschair, car seat, carry cot, clips, covers, cosey toes etc.
I worked it out, if I bought it all from new I would have spent over £750!! It´s all in lovely condition, and hardly used and I couldn´t be happier, especially with over £600 saved in my pocket
Well,
What actually all you needed were a pushchair and a car seat
Pushair 29.95£
Car seat 29.99£
Brand new, from Argos!!
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