In Auntie Aenigma´s Post Bag this week, a sad letter from a classmate who, for reasons which will become obvious, would like to remain anonymous.

Dear Auntie Aenigma,

My life has fallen apart.  I was once King of the World.  I was popular with women, I caused a stir wherever I went, I was a God!  Then gradually my hair started falling out and I lost my powers and women started to drift away.  I now find myself on the fringe of TC society, skulking around in the shadows, appearing in chat occasionally and then disappearing into my dark world again.  I want it all back!  How can I become the man I used to be?

Yours sincerely,

Traumatised of TC

Dear Hairy Traumatised,

I think your problems really started when your hair started to fall out.  Remember Samson?  We all remember the fun nights sat around in the lounge taking it in turns to brush your hair, but those days are gone and can never return.

You could try doing the opposite of Elton John and get some hair taken from your head and grafted onto your chest? 

Yours sincerely,

Auntie Aenigma xxx

Dear Auntie,

I have this friend.  She went to _____________________ on vacation this summer.  Anyway, she fell in love with a ____________________.  At first it was great but now he is asking for ________________________.  Do you think I she should sent it? 

Thanks,

__________________________

Dear Girleegirl Elisabeth Anon,

This "friend" should feel blessed.  It is not often you can go on holiday to *(the place we shall call, hypothetically, "Turkia") and fall in love.  It is a rare thing and should be cherished.

Here is my 5 point plan for you.

• Make sure you learn HIS language.  It will make communication much easier and you might learn some useful words "askim", "seviyorum" and a few naughty words too.  He will probably not bother to learn your language, but that is fine.  It´s YOUR job.
• Send him whatever he asks for. 
• Persuade him to come to your country.  This will save him spending lots of money on phone credits sending numerous romantic texts before he feels he can approach the subject.  It is YOUR JOB (I cannot stress this enough) to obtain a visa and help him with all the necessary paperwork.
• If this idea is not an option, sell everything you have and send him the money to set up Osman´s Minimart grocery store.  He will make sure that the business is up and running so that you can join him at a later date, marry him and share the profits.  Don´t become concerned if he keeps delaying your visit - he is a busy man and you must understand that.
• Don´t keep bothering him with texts and phone calls.  HE IS A BUSY MAN.

Hope it all works out for you.  What a lovely story. It restores my faith in love.

Auntie Aenigma x

Dear Auntie,

I just went to pay him a surprise visit in Turkia and he was nowhere to be found! What should I do? I love him and I know that love can move mountains... Celine Dion says so. Please look at your crystal ball and tell me where he´s at.. I hope he´s ok!

Yours Faithfully

Dear Catwoman "Celine",

You broke the golden rule. NEVER surprise a dudu - they are like startled rabbits in the headlamps.  Dudus are very busy and have a lot of fingers in many pies (if you´ll excuse the expression).  All that juggling women is totally thrown out of wack if you make a surprise visit. PLUS he will have a Turkish fiance to think about too.

No, take my advice and plan your visit months in advance and you will have a very happy time.  Don´t forget to take him an iphone.

Yours sincerely,

Auntie A

Dear "Auntie",

First of all, my name is not Celien, altough I do luve her and oh by the way "Love Can Move Moutains" is the song that my fiancee dedicated to me on our anniversary.

Second of all, I find your tone to be rude and sarcastic even thought you do make some good points. Your "fingers in pies" analogy was very disrespectful and naugthy, I wonder whnat kind of person you are.

I do think you are right that I shouldn´t have surprised him like that, it was very disrespectufl of me, his mother was very sick at that time and he could not be at home, but he explained it to me and I´m ok now. I hope next time we will met in the UK, we are working on his visa.

Don´t worry he has his own iPhone, but unfortunately he has no minutes..

Anyway, I hope you stop messing with people´s minds and insulting people! You don´t know what it´s like to be in lov.

Love xx