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Jokes and riddles
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1.       kafesteki kus
0 posts
 30 Jan 2008 Wed 10:19 pm

Got some but please can you contribute with more????Thanx in advance...
Question: What's a quick way to double your money?
Answer: YOU FOLD IT!

Question: What can run but can't walk?
Answer: Water.

Question: Who sits on babies?
Answer: A babysitter.
Question: What's a car with music coming out of it?
Answer: A cartoon.

Question: Why did the boy sleep with a ruler?
Answer: To see how long he could sleep.

Question: What did one wall say to the other wall?
Answer: Meet you at the corner!
Question: Why is "B' such a lazy letter?
Answer: Because it's always in "BED".

Question: What happened when 500 hares got loose on the main street?
Answer: The police had to comb the area.

Question: Why did the man throw the clock out the window?
Answer: To see time fly!
Question: Why did the pickle stay home from school?
Answer: It felt dill.

Question: What is a state you can wear?
Answer: New Jersey.

Question: What the cowboy say to the pencil?
Answer: Draw partner.

2.       portokal
2516 posts
 30 Jan 2008 Wed 10:47 pm

a joke i received today:
why do men have only one wife?
because they are protected by law.

3.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 30 Jan 2008 Wed 10:57 pm

How do you know when you have passed and elephant?
You can't put the toilet seat down.

How do you know when you have an elephant in your bed?
By the 'E' embroidered on it's pyjamas.


How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.

There's another one about an elephant and a tree but I can't remember it (guess I'm not an elephant with a memory like that)


What do they call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do they call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.

4.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 30 Jan 2008 Wed 11:00 pm

Did you hear Whoopi Goldberg married Gerard Depardieu? She's now known as Whoopi Depardieu (dupidoo).

grrrrrrrrrrrroan

5.       portokal
2516 posts
 30 Jan 2008 Wed 11:13 pm

Quoting peace train:

H

There's another one about an elephant and a tree but I can't remember it



why do elephants hide in a cherry tree?
because they have red eyes.

6.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 30 Jan 2008 Wed 11:37 pm

Quoting portokal:

Quoting peace train:

H

There's another one about an elephant and a tree but I can't remember it



why do elephants hide in a cherry tree?
because they have red eyes.



and how do they get down from the cherry tree?
They wait for Autumn and float down on the leaves.

7.       portokal
2516 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 12:04 am

Quoting peace train:

Quoting portokal:

Quoting peace train:

H

There's another one about an elephant and a tree but I can't remember it



why do elephants hide in a cherry tree?
because they have red eyes.



and how do they get down from the cherry tree?
They wait for Autumn and float down on the leaves.


i have just remembered a word i learned recently, while completing a school test: velocity...

8.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 01:19 am

2 parrots sat on a perch.One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

9.       lalisia
0 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 06:46 am

Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan.

Q: Why did the blonde have square tits?
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?"

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

I personally belive..

10.       kafesteki kus
0 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 08:11 am

lol
A blondie at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor announces"you will have twins"
she bursts into tears.."why are you crying?"the doctor asks.
"I know the father of the first one but who is the father of the other?????"

11.       si++
3785 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 09:29 am

A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"

12.       catwoman
8933 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 09:36 am

Understanding Men

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

13.       si++
3785 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 09:36 am

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

14.       si++
3785 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 09:37 am

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

15.       kafesteki kus
0 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 09:38 am

Quoting si++:

A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"


si++ don't you know that Polish is one of the most difficult languages to learn and comprehend in the world????

16.       si++
3785 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 09:39 am

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

17.       catwoman
8933 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 09:40 am

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

18.       si++
3785 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 09:43 am

Quoting kafesteki kus:

Quoting si++:

A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"


si++ don't you know that Polish is one of the most difficult languages to learn and comprehend in the world????


I think I know. I wouldn't even try to learn it. No way.

19.       catwoman
8933 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 09:44 am

Why It's GREAT To Be A Guy...

- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

- Your orgasms are real. Always.

- Your last name stays put.

- The garage is all yours.

- Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can be president.

- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

- Foreplay is optional.

- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

- You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

- The world is your urinal.

- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

- Same work... more pay.

- Wrinkles add character.

- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

- Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

- Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

- Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

- One mood, all the time.

20.       catwoman
8933 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 09:46 am

Politically Correct Descriptions For Men

He does not have a BEER GUT.
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER.
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING.
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.
He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.
He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

21.       catwoman
8933 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 09:47 am

Men Are Like...

... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

... Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.

... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

22.       catwoman
8933 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 09:49 am

Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...

23.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 11:17 am

Two women talking at a weight loss class.

first woman: I've already lost 168 pounds.

second woman : wow what's your secret?

first woman: I divorced it





Doctor: congratulations! You are going to have ababy.

Blonde: Is it mine?

24.       alameda
3499 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 07:42 pm

You know ladies, these are rather chauvinistic jokes. How would you like it if the word woman was used instead of man?

25.       AEnigma III
0 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 11:38 pm

Catwoman, I thought you were against all this man-hating crap?

26.       AEnigma III
0 posts
 31 Jan 2008 Thu 11:43 pm

Quoting alameda:

You know ladies, these are rather chauvinistic jokes. How would you like it if the word woman was used instead of man?



Exactly :-S

27.       catwoman
8933 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 12:08 am

Quoting AEnigma III:

Catwoman, I thought you were against all this man-hating crap?


How is this man hating? These are jokes based on stereotypes, chill out. At least they are not rude, like some of the jokes about women. If you are ok with jokes about women, then it's also ok to make jokes about men.

28.       AEnigma III
0 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 12:15 am

Quoting catwoman:

How is this man hating? These are jokes based on stereotypes, chill out. At least they are not rude, like some of the jokes about women. If you are ok with jokes about women, then it's also ok to make jokes about men.



"Men are all pigs" not insulting? Actually I hate all gender jokes, and I am suprised you don't. Most of them reinforce stereotypical roles of men and women (i.e. men expecting women to cook dinner blah blah blah blah).

Yuck

29.       AEnigma III
0 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 12:22 am



Quoting catwoman:

These are jokes based on stereotypes, chill out. At least they are not rude, like some of the jokes about women.




Quoting catwoman:

Quoting Trudy:

To all the men I loved (and everyone else):

"Women are suprised how much men do forget. Men are surprised how much women do remember."



Trudy... I hate sexist jokes/comments/quotes

30.       catwoman
8933 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 12:25 am

Quoting AEnigma III:

Quoting catwoman:

How is this man hating? These are jokes based on stereotypes, chill out. At least they are not rude, like some of the jokes about women. If you are ok with jokes about women, then it's also ok to make jokes about men.



"Men are all pigs" not insulting? Actually I hate all gender jokes, and I am suprised you don't. Most of them reinforce stereotypical roles of men and women (i.e. men expecting women to cook dinner blah blah blah blah).

Yuck


What are you trying to prove canim? Yes, I hate stereotypical jokes too, but if you can't beat them, join them. In a perfect world I'd never make a stereotypical gender joke, but as long as men make sexist jokes about women, it's ok to make sexist jokes about men.

31.       AEnigma III
0 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 12:26 am

Quoting catwoman:

What are you trying to prove canim? Yes, I hate stereotypical jokes too, but if you can't beat them, join them. In a perfect world I'd never make a stereotypical gender joke, but as long as men make sexist jokes about women, it's ok to make sexist jokes about men.



Not trying to prove anything, was just confused. No hard feelings

32.       catwoman
8933 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 12:28 am

Quoting AEnigma III:

Not trying to prove anything, was just confused. No hard feelings


Ok, sorry, I just wasn't sure why you didn't like my jokes, although si++ posted a lot of sexist jokes about women .
Thanks though, I see your point... I really hate sexist jokes as well... I just wanted to post some for balance

33.       alameda
3499 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 01:10 am

The blond ones were sorta bad too, I just noticed the man ones and mentioned it.

34.       azade
1606 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 01:17 am

Containing the word "blonde" doesn't make a joke funny

35.       SuiGeneris
3922 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 01:30 am

Quoting azade:

Containing the word "blonde" doesn't make a joke funny



did someone get offended?

36.       alameda
3499 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 01:38 am

Quoting SuiGeneris:

Quoting azade:

Containing the word "blonde" doesn't make a joke funny



did someone get offended?



Hypothetical question Sui....this is coming out of the anti man jokes....a question of if a joke is unjustly making fun of a specific group.

37.       SuiGeneris
3922 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 01:40 am

Quoting alameda:

Quoting SuiGeneris:

Quoting azade:

Containing the word "blonde" doesn't make a joke funny



did someone get offended?



Hypothetical question Sui....this is coming out of the anti man jokes....a question of if a joke is unjustly making fun of a specific group.



when it comes to comics, i never take it really serious...
so i dont mind if anybody wants to joke on me aswell... but the key word here is joking and having fun...

38.       azade
1606 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 01:44 am

Vay canım you considder me a blonde? Maybe in turkish standard but otherwise.... Don't know whether I should be offended considdering the jokes and all lol

39.       SuiGeneris
3922 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 01:59 am

Quoting azade:

Vay canım you considder me a blonde? Maybe in turkish standard but otherwise.... Don't know whether I should be offended considdering the jokes and all lol



Oh come on! when i will see any of your sentences without comparing and mentioning about turkish standards, culture...

i knew i am color blind, but to the world criterias, we can say you are blonde... and ok maybe a little close to red... but no brunette no red... yellow

40.       azade
1606 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 02:05 am

hehe abi it's funny you say yellow it's very turkish to say that Anyway I'm spoiling the jokes thread sorry (with your post #37 in mind). Carry on

41.       SuiGeneris
3922 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 02:12 am

Quoting azade:

hehe abi it's funny you say yellow it's very turkish to say that Anyway I'm spoiling the jokes thread sorry (with your post #37 in mind). Carry on



you did it again!!

thats the new generation, always complains and adds something never listens to their parents or elders...

42.       alameda
3499 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 02:13 am

Quoting SuiGeneris:

Quoting azade:

Vay canım you considder me a blonde? Maybe in turkish standard but otherwise.... Don't know whether I should be offended considdering the jokes and all lol



Oh come on! when i will see any of your sentences without comparing and mentioning about turkish standards, culture...

i knew i am color blind, but to the world criterias, we can say you are blonde... and ok maybe a little close to red... but no brunette no red... yellow



FWIW...it's called strawberry blonde here in the USA

43.       azade
1606 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 02:28 am

Quoting SuiGeneris:

Quoting azade:

hehe abi it's funny you say yellow it's very turkish to say that Anyway I'm spoiling the jokes thread sorry (with your post #37 in mind). Carry on



you did it again!!

thats the new generation, always complains and adds something never listens to their parents or elders...



No honestly was just saying that because it's what all turks I know say.. SARI It was funny because I never considdered myself blonde and don't do it now also but who's complaining, blondes have more fun right Let's get back to joking, don't bang your head on this account it's not worth it

44.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 03:26 am

Quoting SuiGeneris:

Quoting alameda:

Quoting SuiGeneris:

Quoting azade:

Containing the word "blonde" doesn't make a joke funny



did someone get offended?



Hypothetical question Sui....this is coming out of the anti man jokes....a question of if a joke is unjustly making fun of a specific group.



when it comes to comics, i never take it really serious...
so i dont mind if anybody wants to joke on me aswell... but the key word here is joking and having fun...



ok, I will play devil's advocate:

what about all the posts on this site that have mentioned the following (stereotypes)in a "humorous" way:

men with moustaches
turkish nationalists
muslim men
burka
bed amerikans
brownies
various faiths
Turkish waiters
political leaders
political regimes
etc.

And I guess there will be some Turkish guy (or woman ) somewhere at this very minute, posting that he/she is being much maligned.

Men and women are hardly marginalised groups . Ok so blondes (men or women?) may be classed asaspecific group, but I should think half (I pluck this percentage out of thin air) are not natural blondes but bottle blondes. So some people aspire to be blonde . I myself am not blonde but would probably recognise myself in many of the blonde jokes . I wonder how many blondes tell blonde jokes, and how many blondes call them traitors to the cause?

I guess we all draw the line somewhere and our lines will be in different places, depending on our own unique take on life - our passions and pet hates. We may steer clear of certain targets altogether or limit our level of participation/tolerance. Our conscience also plays a role in how far we allow ourselves to go.

I can think of many areas/groups that I would never joke about. There are a great many personal traits of mine that I will find humour in. Someone else, with the same traits may not find my humour funny. (assuming I AM humorous).

I fear I am rambling again. No aging granny jokes PLEASE .

I think I set out to make a point, but I can't remember what it was . . .


:-S :-S :-S

45.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 03:29 am

What goes ha ha bonk?

A man or woman laughing his/her head off.


me thinks this is too PC

46.       justinetime
1018 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 08:33 am

Quoting catwoman:

Quoting AEnigma III:

Quoting catwoman:

How is this man hating? These are jokes based on stereotypes, chill out. At least they are not rude, like some of the jokes about women. If you are ok with jokes about women, then it's also ok to make jokes about men.



"Men are all pigs" not insulting? Actually I hate all gender jokes, and I am suprised you don't. Most of them reinforce stereotypical roles of men and women (i.e. men expecting women to cook dinner blah blah blah blah).

Yuck


What are you trying to prove canim? Yes, I hate stereotypical jokes too, but if you can't beat them, join them. In a perfect world I'd never make a stereotypical gender joke, but as long as men make sexist jokes about women, it's ok to make sexist jokes about men.


agree... it seemed like most of the post were of women (particularly blonde women) so i guess if it was ok for them to joke of things like that, it's acceptable to post jokes about men.

47.       AEnigma III
0 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 10:49 am

Quoting peace train:

ok, I will play devil's advocate:

what about all the posts on this site that have mentioned the following (stereotypes)in a "humorous" way:



They can defend themselves if they choose
I highly doubt if Men with Moustaches will become a large political group though...

48.       AEnigma III
0 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 10:51 am

Quoting peace train:

I fear I am rambling again.



49.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 12:18 pm

Quoting AEnigma III:

Quoting peace train:

ok, I will play devil's advocate:

what about all the posts on this site that have mentioned the following (stereotypes)in a "humorous" way:



They can defend themselves if they choose
I highly doubt if Men with Moustaches will become a large political group though...



peace

50.       lalisia
0 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 03:38 pm

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Mustache.

Mustache who?

Must you stash your mustache in my knock-knock joke?

51.       lalisia
0 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 03:44 pm

Who know would that elephant get offended too!!?? :-S

52.       lalisia
0 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 03:49 pm

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

53.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 05:50 pm

What to you call a spider with no legs?

A currant.

54.       girleegirl
5065 posts
 01 Feb 2008 Fri 07:38 pm

Quoting peace train:

What to you call a spider with no legs?

A currant.


OMG I just ate raisins!!!!!!!!

55.       geniuda
1070 posts
 09 Feb 2008 Sat 07:30 am

Marty was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him ' Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!
The next morning Marty got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, his wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.lol

Marty has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

56.       Cacık
296 posts
 09 Feb 2008 Sat 01:32 pm

This will drive you mad................

On the chair where you are sitting right now, lift up your right foot and move it in clockwise circles. At the same time, lift up your right hand and draw 6 in the air..
.
.
.
.
................ your foot will change diretion !!!!

57.       Cacık
296 posts
 09 Feb 2008 Sat 01:39 pm

A blonde walks into a store, approachs the counter and says the man behind the counter

"I want to buy that TV in the corner".

The man replies "I don't serve blondes"

Annoyed and angry, she goes home and dyes her hair black. The next day she puts her sunglasses on and goes to the same store, the same guy, points to the same place and says "I want to buy that TV in the cortner"

The man replies again "I don't serve blondes"

Completely perplexed, she goes home and dyes her hair red. Goes back to the store and says the same guy again "I want to buy that TV in the corner"

The man replies "I don't serve blondes"

The woman replies totally frustrated "How do you know I am blonde"
.
.
.
.
.
.
The man replies:
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
....."Because that isn't a TV, it's a microwave!"

58.       AEnigma III
0 posts
 09 Feb 2008 Sat 01:47 pm

This is extremely blondist!!!

59.       Cacık
296 posts
 09 Feb 2008 Sat 02:47 pm

Quoting AEnigma III:

This is extremely blondist!!!



I'm blonde - don't take it too heart my dear !

60.       femme_fatal
0 posts
 09 Feb 2008 Sat 05:46 pm

Quoting Cacık:

Quoting AEnigma III:

This is extremely blondist!!!



I'm blonde - don't take it too heart my dear !


i dont think she was angry.
she loves sexist and racist jokes lol

61.       catwoman
8933 posts
 09 Feb 2008 Sat 07:27 pm

Geeeeeeeeezzz... let's fight ladiez, I'm putting my bet on adonisTheCarismatic!

62.       girleegirl
5065 posts
 10 Feb 2008 Sun 06:49 am

That is a losing bet kitty.


63.       catwoman
8933 posts
 10 Feb 2008 Sun 06:54 am

Quoting girleegirl:

That is a losing bet kitty.



adonis vs lapinkulta

whether he wins or not, it'll be fun to watch

64.       girleegirl
5065 posts
 10 Feb 2008 Sun 07:27 am

Quoting catwoman:


adonis vs lapinkulta

whether he wins or not, it'll be fun to watch


Ooooooohhhh ok!!!!

TC death match??

65.       AEnigma III
0 posts
 10 Feb 2008 Sun 11:39 am

Quoting girleegirl:

Quoting catwoman:


adonis vs lapinkulta

whether he wins or not, it'll be fun to watch


Ooooooohhhh ok!!!!

TC death match??



My money is on Lapinkulta. Adonis would just cry and complain that it was SO UNFAIR, before running home to his mummy lol

66.       catwoman
8933 posts
 10 Feb 2008 Sun 03:51 pm

Quoting AEnigma III:

My money is on Lapinkulta. Adonis would just cry and complain that it was SO UNFAIR, before running home to his mummy lol


How dare you insult adonis's manliness!!!! He's a brave fighter, does the best he can!
Adonis, go them the tiger!

67.       AEnigma III
0 posts
 10 Feb 2008 Sun 04:04 pm

Quoting catwoman:

Quoting AEnigma III:

My money is on Lapinkulta. Adonis would just cry and complain that it was SO UNFAIR, before running home to his mummy lol


How dare you insult adonis's manliness!!!! He's a brave fighter, does the best he can!
Adonis, go them the tiger!



Animal Mother would kill them both - by just looking at them lol lol lol

68.       catwoman
8933 posts
 10 Feb 2008 Sun 04:07 pm

Quoting AEnigma III:

Animal Mother would kill them both - by just looking at them lol lol lol


Do you think Animal Mother is their mother? Than we need to be more careful before insulting him/her...

69.       AEnigma III
0 posts
 10 Feb 2008 Sun 04:08 pm

Quoting catwoman:

Do you think Animal Mother is their mother? Than we need to be more careful before insulting him/her...




Is this the new conspiracy theory?

70.       catwoman
8933 posts
 10 Feb 2008 Sun 04:11 pm

Quoting AEnigma III:


Is this the new conspiracy theory?


Not sure, but it does click together... lol

71.       turquoise
938 posts
 16 Feb 2008 Sat 04:27 pm

Three drunks show up at the local whorehouse and the madam realizes they are too drunk to be able to function.

One by one, she sends them up to a room containing an inflatable rubber female doll.

The first drunk returns bragging about what great sex he just got done having; the second one does the same, but the third one returns with a puzzled look on his face.

When asked about it by his buddies he says, "I thought I was doing great until "I bit her on the tit, she let a fart and flew out the window!"

lollol

72.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 17 Feb 2008 Sun 12:57 am

This little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"


The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking.


"That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table.


He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.


She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.


After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Maam, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "the teeth".

73.       turquoise
938 posts
 17 Feb 2008 Sun 02:01 pm

Quoting peace train:



She answered, "the teeth".



lol

74.       turquoise
938 posts
 17 Feb 2008 Sun 02:12 pm

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now.
Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

75.       kafesteki kus
0 posts
 17 Feb 2008 Sun 06:55 pm

Just small inter-sex talks...
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

76.       lalisia
0 posts
 21 Feb 2008 Thu 02:24 am


Yo Mama Jokes (5 Year Old Edition)

77.       Leelu
1746 posts
 22 Feb 2008 Fri 06:26 am


78.       lalisia
0 posts
 22 Feb 2008 Fri 07:15 am

Quoting Leelu:



79.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 24 Feb 2008 Sun 06:21 pm

A farmer needs a new cockerel for his chickens. He goes to the bazaar and finds a really horny one.

As soon he gets back, he realeases the cockerel into the coop and he starts working on chickens with all feathers flying ,cluckings etc.

The cockerel seems extrelemy horny and he is always on a chicken. the farmer starts to get worried about the cockerel incase something will happen to him.

And a week later, when the farmer comes back to the coop, he sees the cockerel is laying on his back, his legs are up and his tongue is sticking out and a vulture is circling above!!

The farmer starts to grumble ' I knew it was coming, i wanted a real one but i never expected he would die in a week'
And at that moment the cockerel, whose legs are up and laying on his back, opens an eye and says to the farmer:
'shhhh and get out of here before you scare the vulture'

80.       lady in red
6947 posts
 24 Feb 2008 Sun 07:09 pm

Quoting thehandsom:

A farmer needs a new cockerel for his chickens. He goes to the bazaar and finds a really horny one.

As soon he gets back, he realeases the cockerel into the coop and he starts working on chickens with all feathers flying ,cluckings etc.

The cockerel seems extrelemy horny and he is always on a chicken. the farmer starts to get worried about the cockerel incase something will happen to him.

And a week later, when the farmer comes back to the coop, he sees the cockerel is laying on his back, his legs are up and his tongue is sticking out and a vulture is circling above!!

The farmer starts to grumble ' I knew it was coming, i wanted a real one but i never expected he would die in a week'
And at that moment the cockerel, whose legs are up and laying on his back, opens an eye and says to the farmer:
'shhhh and get out of here before you scare the vulture'



81.       Leelu
1746 posts
 24 Feb 2008 Sun 09:45 pm

Quoting thehandsom:

A farmer needs a new cockerel for his chickens. He goes to the bazaar and finds a really horny one.

As soon he gets back, he realeases the cockerel into the coop and he starts working on chickens with all feathers flying ,cluckings etc.

The cockerel seems extrelemy horny and he is always on a chicken. the farmer starts to get worried about the cockerel incase something will happen to him.

And a week later, when the farmer comes back to the coop, he sees the cockerel is laying on his back, his legs are up and his tongue is sticking out and a vulture is circling above!!

The farmer starts to grumble ' I knew it was coming, i wanted a real one but i never expected he would die in a week'
And at that moment the cockerel, whose legs are up and laying on his back, opens an eye and says to the farmer:
'shhhh and get out of here before you scare the vulture'


hahahaha .. great one handsom


82.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 27 Feb 2008 Wed 10:40 am

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson, be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be
disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on
a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read
it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized ".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do
not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &
Johnson.

83.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 27 Feb 2008 Wed 01:25 pm

Quoting Daydreamer:

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson, be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be
disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on
a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read
it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized ".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do
not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &
Johnson.


hahahahahahaha
Daydreamer..a really good onelol lol lol

84.       teaschip
3870 posts
 27 Feb 2008 Wed 04:38 pm

Quoting Daydreamer:

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson, be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be
disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on
a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read
it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized ".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do
not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &
Johnson.

85.       lalisia
0 posts
 28 Feb 2008 Thu 01:41 am

Quoting Daydreamer:

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson, be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be
disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on
a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read
it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized '.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do
not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &
Johnson.




it's a good one Daydreamer!!!!

86.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 07 Mar 2008 Fri 02:02 pm

Some nun jokes:

Two nuns are driving along on a stormy night when they are pulled over by a vampire. One nun says to the other "show him your cross" The other yells out the window " get out of our $%^%ing way you git!",

Three nuns die and end up at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter says that before they can enter, they must first each answer a question. To the first he asks " who were the first humans?" She says "Adam and Eve" and he lets her in. To the second he asks "where did they live?" She says "In the garden of Eden" and she too is admitted. Then he asks the third, "what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She replies "My goodness that's a hard one" and he opens the gate once again.

A vicar and his friend are playing golf. His friend misses a three foot putt and says "damn! missed the bugger!" The vicar is shocked by his language and tells him that God will strike him down if he keeps on cursing. The friend laughs and says the same thing when he misses the next shot. Suddenly, there is a bolt from the sky and the vicar is struck dead! Then a voice out of the heavens calls "Damn! Missed the bugger!"

87.       geniuda
1070 posts
 07 Mar 2008 Fri 08:32 pm

Quoting Daydreamer:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized ".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do
not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &
Johnson.


that was so funny Daydreamer, you made my day...lol lol
..so I should add: ohh thank God for the job I have...

88.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 08 Mar 2008 Sat 05:12 pm

Quoting Daydreamer:


"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized ".



Handsom . . could you not find a better job in all of the UK?

89.       lady in red
6947 posts
 08 Mar 2008 Sat 08:36 pm

Quoting peace train:

Quoting Daydreamer:


'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized '.



Handsom . . could you not find a better job in all of the UK?



Well - that was an hysterically funny comment.

90.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 08 Mar 2008 Sat 08:53 pm

Quoting lady in red:

Quoting peace train:

Quoting Daydreamer:


'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized '.



Handsom . . could you not find a better job in all of the UK?



Well - that was an hysterically funny comment.


You are probably right, I overstepped the mark. Sorry to offend.

91.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 20 Mar 2008 Thu 05:26 pm

British sense of humoUr made my day


John Cleese's "Letter To America"

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra"; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for "Big Girls Blouse").

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese

92.       Elisabeth
5732 posts
 20 Mar 2008 Thu 05:41 pm

Very funny Daydreamer!!

I love John Cleese!

93.       lady in red
6947 posts
 20 Mar 2008 Thu 09:08 pm

Brilliant!

94.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 05 May 2008 Mon 03:37 pm

The Colonel and the Camel

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"

"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point."

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?"

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

"Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"

95.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 05 May 2008 Mon 03:38 pm

Better health plan

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was
being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room
where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the
Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

"Ah," said the doctor, "Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that
you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."

"Oh." said Her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable."

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open
and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

"Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty, "I demand an explanation of
this kind of sordid goings- on!"

"Ah," said the Doctor, "same problem - better health plan."

96.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 05 May 2008 Mon 03:38 pm

Pet Names

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her real name about ten years ago."

97.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 05 May 2008 Mon 03:42 pm

O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,etc. on TV.

98.       catwoman
8933 posts
 05 May 2008 Mon 03:59 pm

Quoting thehandsom:

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.


You must be a wild lover if this is how she feels about your sex life! lollollollollol
I can imagine how it goes: "honey, lie this way so that I can get it in right, we haven't made love in a while..."

99.       Avalon
381 posts
 06 May 2008 Tue 09:43 pm

Believe it or not.
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MENstrual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

100.       Avalon
381 posts
 07 May 2008 Wed 10:11 pm


Beauty Parlor:
A place where women curl up and dye

Cannibal:
Someone who is fed up with people

Dust:
Mud with the juice squeezed out

Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

Gossip:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage

Handkerchief:
Cold storage

Inflation:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

Raisin:
Grape with a sunburn

Tomorrow:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

Mosquito:
An insect that makes you like flies better

Yawn:
An honest opinion openly expressed

Secret:
Something you tell to one person at a time
Atom Bomb: An invention made to end all inventions.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Classic: A book which people praises, but do not read.

College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually looks forward to the trip.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

101.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 25 May 2008 Sun 11:38 am

World's Worst Pick-up Lines...


Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

102.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 26 May 2008 Mon 11:28 am

Quoting thehandsom:



I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.



This one's grand

103.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 26 May 2008 Mon 12:34 pm

-What do dyslexic agnostic insomniacs do?
-Stay up all night wondering if there's a dog.

104.       lady in red
6947 posts
 26 May 2008 Mon 01:13 pm

Quoting Daydreamer:

-What do dyslexic agnostic insomniacs do?
-Stay up all night wondering if there's a dog.




ah! ah! ah! lol lol

105.       libralady
5152 posts
 26 May 2008 Mon 04:46 pm

Quoting thehandsom:

World's Worst Pick-up Lines...


Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."



I am so fortunate, that I have not heard any of these lol lol lol lol lol

106.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 26 May 2008 Mon 10:50 pm

MATH
Smart man + smart woman = Romance
Smart man + dumb woman = Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = Marriage

107.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 19 Jun 2008 Thu 12:13 am

Men's Guide to Women's Language

She's says It means
---------- --------

You want -- You want

We need -- I want

It's your decision -- The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want -- You'll pay for this later

We need to talk -- I need to complain

Sure, go ahead -- I don't want you to.

I'm not upset -- Of course I'm upset, you moron.

You're so manly -- You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive -- Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!-- I'm on my period!

This kitchen is so incovenient-- I want a new house.I want new curtains and new carpeting, and new furniture...

I heard a noise -- I noticed you were asleep

Do you love me? -- I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me?-- I did something today that you're really not going to like.

You have to learn to communicate-- Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me??-- [To late, you're dead!]


Yes -- No

No -- No

Maybe -- No

I'm sorry -- You'll be sorry

I'm not yelling -- Yes, I'm yelling because I think this is important

108.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 19 Jun 2008 Thu 09:33 am

Women's Guide to Men's Language

Men's Dictionary

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay

109.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 29 Jun 2008 Sun 02:54 am

Rules that guys wish women new

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
7. Shopping is something we will never enjoy.
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
9. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
10. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
13. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
17. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
18. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
19. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
20. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
21. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
23. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
24. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
25. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
26. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

110.       catwoman
8933 posts
 29 Jun 2008 Sun 03:07 am

What Men REALLY Mean ...

"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means...."Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means...."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures, and has a better driving record than I have."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...."As long as you don't expect me to paint it. In which case I like the color it is NOW nust fine."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means...."It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...."She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means...."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...."I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...."She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, blood, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address and eye color of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means...."Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely cueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...."You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...."I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...."You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't let her try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find any clean socks, the kids are hungry, and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."I'm starting to like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...."Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...."I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means...."It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her." s
Really means.... "She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...."Let's go someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

111.       geniuda
1070 posts
 02 Jul 2008 Wed 08:35 am

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

:-S lol

112.       lady in red
6947 posts
 02 Jul 2008 Wed 10:52 am

Quoting geniuda:

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

:-S lol



Yes I could read it! Does that mean though that 45/100 people would NEVER understand what it said?? Can't believe that

113.       Leelu
1746 posts
 02 Jul 2008 Wed 09:14 pm

Quoting geniuda:

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

:-S lol


and hree I tohugt it was ginog to be duficlfit! I raed it esay aslo!! lol lol lol

114.       libralady
5152 posts
 07 Jul 2008 Mon 04:11 pm

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory two meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(1 After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.'

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

115.       libralady
5152 posts
 07 Jul 2008 Mon 04:18 pm

Girl Power! Have a go, it is harder than you think

116.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 30 Jul 2008 Wed 01:07 pm

Today´s discussion reminded me of that (now, why would a men give it all up? )

HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954


* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

* Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you´ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

* Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children´s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

* Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

* Some don´ts: Don´t greet him with problems or complaints. Don´t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

* Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

* Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

* The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

117.       Trudy
7887 posts
 30 Jul 2008 Wed 01:38 pm

Quoting Daydreamer:

Today´s discussion reminded me of that (now, why would a men give it all up? )

HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954


* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

* Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you´ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

* Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children´s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

* Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

* Some don´ts: Don´t greet him with problems or complaints. Don´t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

* Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

* Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

* The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.



Wow! I think I´ll change my gender.... lol

118.       Trudy
7887 posts
 30 Jul 2008 Wed 01:41 pm

Quoting geniuda:

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno´t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

:-S lol



Only the 8th word of the second part I can´t read (uesdnatnrd). What does it say?

119.       lady in red
6947 posts
 30 Jul 2008 Wed 04:05 pm

Quoting Trudy:

Only the 8th word of the second part I can´t read (uesdnatnrd). What does it say?



It says ´understand´!

120.       lady in red
6947 posts
 30 Jul 2008 Wed 04:07 pm

Quoting Daydreamer:

Today´s discussion reminded me of that (now, why would a men give it all up? )

HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954



Damn! So that´s where I´ve been going wrong all these years! If only I´d had this book.......

121.       Trudy
7887 posts
 30 Jul 2008 Wed 04:07 pm

Quoting lady in red:

Quoting Trudy:

Only the 8th word of the second part I can´t read (uesdnatnrd). What does it say?



It says ´understand´!



Sorry, it´s not my mothertongue....

122.       lady in red
6947 posts
 30 Jul 2008 Wed 04:16 pm

Quoting Trudy:

Sorry, it´s not my mothertongue....



I wasn´t being funny to you - I think it is fantastic that you can read like that in another language!

123.       catwoman
8933 posts
 11 Aug 2008 Mon 03:56 pm

This is actually a beautiful story, not a joke...

 

Far far away, there was a kingdom where a beautiful, independent and self-confident princess lived. One day, the princess saw a frog sitting on a rock and staring at the crystal-clear pond next to the castle. The frog quickly jumped on the princesses´ knees and said: "Beautiful Lady, I used to be a handsome prince, until one day an evil witch cast a spell on me. Your one kiss will make me a young, swift prince again. Then we will marry and will live with my mother in your castle. There, you will be preparing meals for me, do my laundry, give birth to my children and we will live happily ever after... " That evening, while making supper, spicing it with white wine and preparing an onion-sour cream sauce, the princess, while quietly giggling, thought:

- "I don´t fuc...g think so"

And she kept on rolling over the frying frog legs on the pan.

 

124.       teaschip
3870 posts
 11 Aug 2008 Mon 04:26 pm

 

Quoting catwoman

This is actually a beautiful story, not a joke...

 

Far far away, there was a kingdom where a beautiful, independent and self-confident princess lived. One day, the princess saw a frog sitting on a rock and staring at the crystal-clear pond next to the castle. The frog quickly jumped on the princesses´ knees and said: "Beautiful Lady, I used to be a handsome prince, until one day an evil witch cast a spell on me. Your one kiss will make me a young, swift prince again. Then we will marry and will live with my mother in your castle. There, you will be preparing meals for me, do my laundry, give birth to my children and we will live happily ever after... " That evening, while making supper, spicing it with white wine and preparing an onion-sour cream sauce, the princess, while quietly giggling, thought: - I don´t fuc...g think so And she kept on rolling over the frying frog legs on the pan.

 

 Great story. hahaha

 

125.       CANLI
5084 posts
 11 Aug 2008 Mon 04:43 pm

Cat,Disney will sue you lol

To much for their prince charming lol

126.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 11 Aug 2008 Mon 04:51 pm

 

Quoting catwoman

 

This is actually a beautiful story, not a joke...

 

Far far away, there was a kingdom where a beautiful, independent and self-confident princess lived. One day, the princess saw a frog sitting on a rock and staring at the crystal-clear pond next to the castle. The frog quickly jumped on the princesses´ knees and said: "Beautiful Lady, I used to be a handsome prince, until one day an evil witch cast a spell on me. Your one kiss will make me a young, swift prince again. Then we will marry and will live with my mother in your castle. There, you will be preparing meals for me, do my laundry, give birth to my children and we will live happily ever after... " That evening, while making supper, spicing it with white wine and preparing an onion-sour cream sauce, the princess, while quietly giggling, thought:

- "I don´t fuc...g think so"

And she kept on rolling over the frying frog legs on the pan.

 

 

 

boooo..

This is not funny..

PukingFull Of CrapButt

 

 

127.       catwoman
8933 posts
 11 Aug 2008 Mon 04:55 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

 

boooo..

This is not funny..

PukingFull Of CrapButt

 

 

As I said, it´s not supposed to be funny, it´s very serious... and be careful handsom, the "prince charming" story (like Canli said), is a thing of the past!

128.       catwoman
8933 posts
 11 Aug 2008 Mon 04:56 pm

 

Quoting CANLI

Cat,Disney will sue you lol

To much for their prince charming lol

 

 

I will sue Disney for spreading lies to children!!! {#lang_emotions_rant}

 

129.       lady in red
6947 posts
 11 Aug 2008 Mon 05:07 pm

 

Quoting catwoman

This is actually a beautiful story, not a joke...

 

Far far away, there was a kingdom where a beautiful, independent and self-confident princess lived. One day, the princess saw a frog sitting on a rock and staring at the crystal-clear pond next to the castle. The frog quickly jumped on the princesses´ knees and said: "Beautiful Lady, I used to be a handsome prince, until one day an evil witch cast a spell on me. Your one kiss will make me a young, swift prince again. Then we will marry and will live with my mother in your castle. There, you will be preparing meals for me, do my laundry, give birth to my children and we will live happily ever after... " That evening, while making supper, spicing it with white wine and preparing an onion-sour cream sauce, the princess, while quietly giggling, thought:

- "I don´t fuc...g think so"

And she kept on rolling over the frying frog legs on the pan.

 

 

Hysterically Laughing

 

 

 

 

130.       CANLI
5084 posts
 11 Aug 2008 Mon 05:36 pm

 

Quoting catwoman

 

 

I will sue Disney for spreading lies to children!!! {#lang_emotions_rant}

 

 

 

 lollll...count me in then...

Except for Disney,we wouldnt have Dudu ´s lol

We can make LOTS of money out of that {#lang_emotions_cool} lol

131.       Trudy
7887 posts
 11 Aug 2008 Mon 05:50 pm

 

Quoting catwoman

This is actually a beautiful story, not a joke...

 

Far far away, there was a kingdom where a beautiful, independent and self-confident princess lived. One day, the princess saw a frog sitting on a rock and staring at the crystal-clear pond next to the castle. The frog quickly jumped on the princesses´ knees and said: "Beautiful Lady, I used to be a handsome prince, until one day an evil witch cast a spell on me. Your one kiss will make me a young, swift prince again. Then we will marry and will live with my mother in your castle. There, you will be preparing meals for me, do my laundry, give birth to my children and we will live happily ever after... " That evening, while making supper, spicing it with white wine and preparing an onion-sour cream sauce, the princess, while quietly giggling, thought:

- "I don´t fuc...g think so"

And she kept on rolling over the frying frog legs on the pan.

 

 

 Especially that last sentence..... Hysterically Laughing Hysterically Laughing

 

132.       teaschip
3870 posts
 11 Aug 2008 Mon 10:44 pm

A laugh for Monday!  They glued his flip flops...

 

 

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1501908/flip_flop_glue_prank/

133.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 12 Aug 2008 Tue 02:10 am

How to speak to a Woman and remain..."POLITICALLY CORRECT"

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.

134.       catwoman
8933 posts
 12 Aug 2008 Tue 02:26 am

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN & BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a "beer gut" - he has developed a "liquid grain storage facility"

He is not a "bad dancer" - he is "overly caucasian"

He does not "get lost all the time" - he investigates alternative destinations"

He is not "balding" - he is in "follicle regression"

He is not a "cradle robber" - he prefers "generational differential relationships"

He does not get "falling-down drunk" - he becomes "accidentally horizontal"

He does not act like a "total ass" - he devolops a case of "rectal-cranial inversion"

He is not a "male chauvinist pig" - he has "swine empathy"

He is not afraid of "commitment" - he is "relationship challenged"

He is not "horny" - he is "sexually focused"
It´s not his "crack" you see hanging out of his pants - "its his rear cleavage"

135.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 12 Aug 2008 Tue 02:32 am

The Perfect Couple

 
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
 
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were
driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding
road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in
distress.
 
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.  There
stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting
to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the
perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their
vehicle.  Soon they were driving along delivering the
toys.
 
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.  Only one
of them survived the accident.
 
Who was the survivor?  (Scroll down for the answer.)

















The perfect woman survived.  She´s the only one who really
existed in the first place.  Everyone knows there is no
Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
 
 
***** Women stop reading here.     *****
***** This is the end of the joke. *****
***** Men keep scrolling.          *****




















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the
perfect woman must have been driving.  This explains why
there was a car accident.
 
By the way, if you´re a woman and you´re reading this, you
have illustrated another important point: women never
listen either.

136.       catwoman
8933 posts
 12 Aug 2008 Tue 03:07 am

How to talk to a man - five secrets every woman should know!

 

1. You cannot talk to men the way you talk to other women.

SECRET #1: Don’t approach men for conversation when they are not in an approach mode. Give them time and opportunity to be able to listen to you. They want to be there for you and give you what you need, but you have to understand that they need to have distractions removed, time to focus on the conversation, and a clear and defined understanding of what you want from them.


2. Men have been programmed for centuries to take care of the family.

SECRET #2: Don’t misinterpret the silent male or underestimate how much you mean to him. He is highly vulnerable to you.


3. Men do not heal from emotional wounds as well as women do.

SECRET #3: You give meaning to your guy’s life. You matter far more to him than either of you realize. Be careful and kind with your words.


4. Men relate to other people better by doing activities with them.

SECRET #4: Find at least one activity that you both have a passion for and do it together. This strengthens your bond and gives him a sense of success.


5. Men love routine.

SECRET #5: Build some loving routines together. You might think that you are both just wordlessly watching TV, while he might see that activity as part of your togetherness. Predictable patterns in your relationship keep him grounded.

 

{#lang_emotions_lol}{#lang_emotions_lol}{#lang_emotions_lol}

137.       Trudy
7887 posts
 12 Aug 2008 Tue 09:16 am

The truth.....:

 

138.       catwoman
8933 posts
 12 Aug 2008 Tue 09:30 am

The truth is this Trudy, not what you posted.

 

lazy men cartoons, lazy men cartoon, lazy men picture, lazy men pictures, lazy men image, lazy men images, lazy men illustration, lazy men illustrations

139.       catwoman
8933 posts
 19 Aug 2008 Tue 07:42 pm

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ´Good morning, Ma´am. What are you doing?´

´
Reading a book,´ she replies, (thinking, ´Isn´t that obvious?´
´You´re in a Restricted Fishing Area,´ he informs her
´I´m sorry, officer, but I´m not fishing. I´m reading´
´Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.  I´ll have to take you in and write
you up.´
´For reading a book?´ she replies.
´Yes, ´ he answers.
´If you do that, I´ll have to charge you with sexual assault,´ says the woman..
´But I haven´t even touched you,´ says the game warden.
´That´s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.´
´Have a nice day ma´am,´ and he left.

140.       Trudy
7887 posts
 30 Aug 2008 Sat 10:31 am

141.       doudi94
845 posts
 31 Aug 2008 Sun 07:53 pm

HAHAHA!!!!!!!!I really liked this one!!!!!!

Quote:thehandsom

By the way, if you´re a woman and you´re reading this, you
have illustrated another important point: women never
listen either.

142.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 03 Sep 2008 Wed 04:52 pm

Turkish wedding customs thread reminded me this joke:

 

Naive bride:

In one of the villages in Anatolia, a girl lived. Because her family did not send her to schools, kept her inside and away from the boys of the village, she was a bit naive.
One day her family got her married to a boy called Hasan. At first night, she looks at  Hasan and get surprised what she sees and asks what it is.
Hasan says that: "No men have this but only me. Dont mention this secret to anybody!!"
Then they make love and the naive bride likes it very much.
A year later, Hasan goes to the army and leave his wife with a friend called Ahmet. A week later Ahmet forgets his friend and gets naked in front of the naive bride. When she sees what Ahmet has, she gets surprised but they make love anyway.
Hasan comes back from the army, the night comes, just before they start, the naive bride asks:
-I have a question for you Hasan. You said you were the only one having it but I was told, Ahmet has it too.
Hasan:
-I had two and I have given one of them to Ahmet.
And the naive bride goes:
-My sweet Hasan, why did you give the better one to Ahmet?

143.       lady in red
6947 posts
 03 Sep 2008 Wed 07:17 pm

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked, The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

 "Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman´s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ´no´ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said ´no´ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ´yes,´ you would have given me all three. Lord, I´m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT´S why I said ´yes´ to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it´s for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That´s our story, and we´re sticking to it.

 

144.       Trudy
7887 posts
 03 Sep 2008 Wed 07:58 pm

 

Quoting lady in red

Whenever a woman lies, it´s for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That´s our story, and we´re sticking to it.

 

 Great story with an o-so true last paragraph..... lol lol

145.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 04 Sep 2008 Thu 12:03 pm

 

Whenever a woman lies, it´s for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That´s our story, and we´re sticking to it.

 

So true! lol

146.       lesluv
722 posts
 04 Sep 2008 Thu 02:29 pm

 

Quoting Trudy

 Great story with an o-so true last paragraph..... lol lol

 

 oh i might have held out for brad pitt ha ha

147.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 05 Oct 2008 Sun 01:29 am

Hazardous Materials Information Sheet

MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6 kg, but known to vary from 40-200 kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without know reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

148.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 05 Oct 2008 Sun 01:35 am

Art of Negotiation

After a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What is it?"

"I know you created me and have provided this place with all this lovely food and all of the wonderful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ´companion´ for you."

"What´s a ´companion´, Lord?"

"Another being more like the angels than the animals you now have for company. This will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. The creature will be so intelligent that it can figure out what you want before you want it. This being will be so sensitive and caring that it will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Its beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. This entity will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire and will be the perfect answer to your loneliness, " replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"One thing, Adam, this is going to cost you."

"How much?"

"A right arm, right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time. Finally he says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

149.       lady in red
6947 posts
 05 Oct 2008 Sun 11:03 am

 

Quoting thehandsom

Hazardous Materials Information Sheet

 

Doudie beat you to it with this one - http://www.turkishclass.com/forumTitle_31107_7 

 

Stop stealing the children´s jokes and find your own! {#lang_emotions_laugh_at}

150.       catwoman
8933 posts
 09 Oct 2008 Thu 07:31 am

THINGS YOU´D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK (but probably shouldn´t)

1. I can see your point, but I still think you´re full of shit.
2. I don´t know what your problem is, but I´ll bet it´s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you´ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I´m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I´ll try being nicer if you´ll try being smarter.
7. I´m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. It sounds like English, but I can´t understand a damn word you´re saying.
9. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
10. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
11. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don´t give a damn.
12. I´m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
14. I´m not being rude. You´re just insignificant.
15. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
16. Do I look like a people person?
17. This isn´t an office. It´s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
19. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
22. I´m trying to imagine you with a personality.
23. Can I trade this job for what´s behind door #1?
24. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
25. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
26. Oh I get it... Like humor... But different.

151.       teaschip
3870 posts
 09 Oct 2008 Thu 09:57 pm

 

Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment

To:  All Managers

 

The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don´t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it´s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they have left early, put them in Sales.

152.       catwoman
8933 posts
 09 Oct 2008 Thu 10:14 pm

 

Quoting teaschip

Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment

To:  All Managers

 

The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don´t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it´s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they have left early, put them in Sales.

 

lol

153.       catwoman
8933 posts
 09 Oct 2008 Thu 10:20 pm

Subject: FW: continuing ed for men



WICOE (Women In Charge Of Everything) is proud to announce its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN ONLY
 
Note: due to the level of complexity and difficulty, ea ch course will accept a maximum of eight participants.

The course is over two days and the topics covered include :


     DAY ONE

    HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
    Step by step guide with slide presentation

    TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
    Round table discussion

    DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
    Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

    DISHES & SILVERWARE;
    DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
    Debate among a panel of exper ts.

    REMOTE CONTROL
    Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

    LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
    Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming
    Open forum


     DAY TWO

    EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
    DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
    Group discussion and role play

    HEALTH WATCH;
     BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
    Power-Point presentation

    REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
    Real life testimonial from the one man who did
 
    IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
    Driving simulation

    LIVING WITH ADULTS;
    BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
    Online class and role playing

    HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
    Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
 
    REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU´RE GOING TO BE LATE
    Bring your calendar or PDA to class

    GETTING OVER IT;
    LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
    Individual counselors available

154.       catwoman
8933 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 02:47 am

Nobody commented on the continuid education for men post! {#lang_emotions_rant}

155.       libralady
5152 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 10:47 am

 

Quoting catwoman

Nobody commented on the continuid education for men post! {#lang_emotions_rant}

 

 Oh you poor popsy!  I thought it was very funny and I shall be employing some of these lessons in my own house.................even after 32 years he still "forgets" everything I have ever taught him! {#lang_emotions_lol}

156.       Trudy
7887 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 11:31 am

 

Quoting libralady

 Oh you poor popsy!  I thought it was very funny and I shall be employing some of these lessons in my own house.................even after 32 years he still "forgets" everything I have ever taught him! {#lang_emotions_lol}

 

 Are there really men who can learn all this?

157.       catwoman
8933 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 01:54 pm

 

Quoting libralady

 Oh you poor popsy!  I thought it was very funny and I shall be employing some of these lessons in my own house.................even after 32 years he still "forgets" everything I have ever taught him! {#lang_emotions_lol}

 

 

Quoting Trudy

 Are there really men who can learn all this?

 

 

Muhahahhahahaha {#lang_emotions_lol}

 

158.       Trudy
7887 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 02:10 pm

 

Quoting catwoman

Muhahahhahahaha {#lang_emotions_lol}

 

 I take that as a ´no´? lol

159.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 02:29 pm

This thread is getting increasingly anti men..{#lang_emotions_rant}

(ah..of course, most of you recently discovered that you are all lesbians..)

160.       Trudy
7887 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 02:32 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

This thread is getting increasingly anti men..{#lang_emotions_rant}

(ah..of course, most of you recently discovered that you are all lesbians..)

 

 Can the truth be ´anti men´? lol lol

161.       catwoman
8933 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 02:35 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

This thread is getting increasingly anti men..{#lang_emotions_rant}

(ah..of course, most of you recently discovered that you are all lesbians..)

 

You mean switching directions from anti-woman (mostly posted by YOU Mr. Thehandsom!) to something closer to home?

162.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 10 Oct 2008 Fri 03:53 pm

Why it doesn´t pay to get married:

 


Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one en-

gaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks

after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how

best to spice up their sex lives.



After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by

engaging in some S&M role playing.



The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last

Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend´s

office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people

had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather

bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so

aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right

then and there!"



The engaged woman giggled and said, "That´s pretty much my

story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me

waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose

and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only

screwed all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!



The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot

of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over

at Grandma´s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put

on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice,

a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.

I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got

home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down

and yelled, ´Hey, Batman, what´s for dinner?´"

163.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 11 Oct 2008 Sat 02:58 pm

The truth about the  American, British and Ozzie dumbness

 

http://sgsa.gameshowvideos.com/feud.php

164.       catwoman
8933 posts
 11 Oct 2008 Sat 07:29 pm

 

Quoting Daydreamer

The truth about the  American, British and Ozzie dumbness

 

http://sgsa.gameshowvideos.com/feud.php

 

I am always interested in articles taht start with "the truth about..." {#lang_emotions_unsure} {#lang_emotions_satisfied_nod}

165.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 17 Oct 2008 Fri 11:47 pm

The Home Game

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don´t get any points for doing something she expects -- sorry, that´s how the game is played.

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party.............................   0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
a college drinking buddy...................................... -2
Named Tiffany..................................................... -4
Tiffany is a model ............................................... -6
When mingling, you hold your mate´s hand and gaze at her
lovingly...................................................... +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "ol ball and chain" and
pat her on the butt .......................................... -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you
if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere
near as attractive as you".................................... +2
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she´s
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don´t worry, she´s a lousy
kisser"....................................................... -6
That woman is her sister.......................................... -90
You have one drink, and that´s it................................. 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle...... -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18

A Night At Home

You watch TV together.............................................   0
You rent a movie.................................................. +1
You rent a movie and it´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY................... +3
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout........... +5
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep.................... -1
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool........... -2

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................  -5  
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding........................................ -10
You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25

Grooming

You trim your nails...............................................  +5
You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15
You shave on the weekends......................................... +2
You don´t shave on the weekends................................... -4
You don´t bathe on the weekends either............................ -8

166.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 01:37 am

Gloves

A young man wanted to purcahse a gift for his new sweetheart´s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart´s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart."

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp form wearing."

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

167.       Deli_kizin
6376 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 01:58 am

lol lol lol

168.       catwoman
8933 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 02:01 am

85 RULES AND INSTRUCTIONS FOR BEING "ONE OF THE GUYS"

  1. Don´t call. EVER.
  2. If you don´t like a girl, don´t tell her. It´s more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
  3. Lie.
  4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
  5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
  6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
  7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don´t want to answer, a grunt will do.
  8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn´t your fault.
  9. Lie.
  10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
  11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- don´t ask. People will think you have no penis.
  12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
  13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
  14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
  15. Everyone considers a man more important if he can write his name in urine.
  16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she´s missing and love you for not giving up on her.
  17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
  18. Don´t wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
  19. Lie.
  20. Deny everything. Everything.

...

...

...

169.       catwoman
8933 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 03:22 am

 

Quoting thehandsom

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party.......................   0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
a college drinking buddy................................ -2
Named Tiffany............................................... -4
Tiffany is a model ......................................... -6
When mingling, you hold your mate´s hand and gaze at her
lovingly................................................ +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "ol ball and chain" and
pat her on the butt .................................... -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you
if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere
near as attractive as you"............................. +2
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she´s
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don´t worry, she´s a lousy
kisser"................................................. -6
That woman is her sister.................................... -90
You have one drink, and that´s it........................... 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle. -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted. -18

A Night At Home

You watch TV together.........................   0
You rent a movie............................ +1
You rent a movie and it´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY..... +3
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout...... +5
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep........ -1
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool.... -2

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?"...................  -5  
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding............... -10
You reply, "Where?"..................... -25

Grooming

You trim your nails............................  +5
You trim your nails in the living ro.......... -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..... -15
You shave on the weekends..................... +2
You don´t shave on the weekends............ -4
You don´t bathe on the weekends eith..... -8

 

This is very offensive and quite asshole-like, primitive, and sexist in a fascistic way. I thought that a mature man like you would not post such low ´jokes´.

170.       lady in red
6947 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 11:16 am

 

Quoting thehandsom

The Home Game

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don´t get any points for doing something she expects -- sorry, that´s how the game is played.

Quoting catwoman

This is very offensive and quite asshole-like, primitive, and sexist in a fascistic way. I thought that a mature man like you would not post such low ´jokes´.

 

 lol lol lol lol lol - where did you get the idea he is mature!!  lol lol lol

 

(BTW I thought your last post was very funny!!! - Not only mature but 100% true as well {#lang_emotions_laugh_at}

171.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 01:02 pm

 

Quoting lady in red

Quoting thehandsom

The Home Game

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don´t get any points for doing something she expects -- sorry, that´s how the game is played.

 

 

 lol lol lol lol lol - where did you get the idea he is mature!!  lol lol lol

 

(BTW I thought your last post was very funny!!! - Not only mature but 100% true as well {#lang_emotions_laugh_at}

yeah yeah.

Feminist beach voleyball team with its captain, catwoman playing again.

(omg..look at their unshaved legs and hair from their armpits {#lang_emotions_scared} )

 

172.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 06:24 pm

I spend some times translating this in another thread. it is better not wasted (I find it funny anyway)

 

’93 Harbi çýktýðýnda, Lâzlar toplanýp Abdülhamid’e telgraf çekmiþler: Padiþahým, bize 40,000 tüfek ver; biz varýp Moskofun haddini bildiririz. Sultan düþünmüþ; vaziyet zaten kötü, ne kaybederiz? “Verin Lâz kullarýma 40,000 tüfek” buyurmuþ. Lâzlar düzülmüþ Trabzon’dan yola; Zigana geçidine varmýþ ve birden, zýnk diye durmuþlar. Geçidin sað baþýnda, kayalarýn üzerinde bir Kürt þaki, uzaklara bakýyor. (Ahmed aðabey bu noktada elini gözlerine siper eder ve tekrarlardý: “Aþaðýdaki Lâzlara hiç bakmýyor, uzaklara bakýyor.” Sola dönmüþler; orada da ikinci bir Kürt þaki, aþaðýdaki Lâzlara deðil, sadece uzaklara bakýyor.... Dönmüþler Trabzon’a; Ýstanbul’a bir tel daha çekmiþler: “Sultaným, Zigana geçidini iki Kürt eþkiya tutmuþ. Sen hele bir bölük jandarma gönder, geçidi açsýnlar, sonra biz gene varýr Moskofu tarümar ederiz.”

 --------------------------------

During 1877-1878 Ottoman -Russian war, lazs (people from the black sea region) sent a telegraph to Sultan  Abdülhamid : "our sultan, sent us 40.000 rifles. we will go and teach Moskov a lesson". Sultan thinks about it a bit: "The situation is not great and what do we lose?" and he orders "give 40.000 rifles to my laz subjects ".

Then lazs start to travel from Trabzon (a northern city). When they arrive to this place called Zigana passage (in the mountains) they stop abrutly. Because they see a Kurdish brigand on the right side , on a rock and he looking far away (not looking at lazs). They turn to the left, another Kurdish brigand. He is looking at far away too..Then lazs turn back to Trabzonand send another telegraph to Istanbul. "My sultan, two Kurdish brigands are holding Zigana passage, please send some  gendarmes so they could open the passage , then we go and deal with Moskov""

173.       catwoman
8933 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 06:33 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

yeah yeah.

Feminist beach voleyball team with its captain, catwoman playing again.

(omg..look at their unshaved legs and hair from their armpits {#lang_emotions_scared} )

 

Handsom, this is really a teenager response. I know you think it´s funny, but many people out there take it seriously. Do you really find demeaning women such a good ´joke´ topic? And, I would like to check if your legs are shaved first before you can have any business in making comments about mine. {#lang_emotions_you_crazy}

174.       catwoman
8933 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 11:48 pm

85 rules how to be ´one of the guys´ continued...

 

21.  Don´t have a clue.

22.  If you get a clue, pretend you didn´t and disregard it.
23.  No means yes.
24.  Yes means no.
25.  If you don´t get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even     die. This is one of the most important rules.
26.  If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations.
27.  Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
28.  Feelings? What feelings?
29.  Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it´s not true or kick their ass.
30.  Lie, I tell you!!
31.  DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
32.  Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. TWIST.
33.  At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%).
34.  Lie.
35.  "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don´t even THINK about saying it.
36.  A general rule: If whatever you´re doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it´s really not worth it.
37.  Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
38.  Don´t read anything unless it has pictures of naked women, fast cars, or fast bikes in it. 39.  And make sure you do all your reading while sitting on the john.
40.  Apologize whenever it´s expected. NEVER mean it.

...

...

...

175.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 11:51 pm

This is very offensive , primitive, and sexist. I thought that a mature girl  like you would not post such low ´jokes´.

176.       catwoman
8933 posts
 18 Oct 2008 Sat 11:58 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

This is very offensive , primitive, and sexist. I thought that a mature girl  like you would not post such low ´jokes´.

 

Did you come up with this on your own? {#lang_emotions_lol}{#lang_emotions_you_crazy}

177.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 12:00 am

 

Quoting catwoman

Did you come up with this on your own? {#lang_emotions_lol}{#lang_emotions_you_crazy}

 

I am dedicating this to you Catwoman

 

Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no right answer. Here´s a common example.

"DO I LOOK FAT?"

There is no answer to this question that won´t be interpreted "yes". "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don´t know" means yes. "It doesn+t matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn´t work, but all the other options are worse.

There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.

Consult this handy chart:

JUST SAY NO

Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasise about her?
Are you tired of me?

JUST SAY YES

Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasise about me?
Do you like my hair this way?

178.       TheAenigma
5001 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 02:18 am

I would say the above is good advice for women when dealing with men too.  May I change your first paragraph though as follows:-

 

DOES SIZE MATTER"

There is no answer to this question that won´t be interpreted "yes". "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don´t know" means yes. "It doesn+t matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn´t work, but all the other options are worse.

There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.

 

Consult this handy chart:

JUST SAY NO

Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasise about him?
Are you tired of me?

JUST SAY YES

Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasise about me?
Do you like my beard/moustache/hair/shirt?

179.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 02:45 am

 

Quoting TheAenigma

I would say the above is good advice for women when dealing with men too.  May I change your first paragraph though as follows:-

 

DOES SIZE MATTER"

There is no answer to this question that won´t be interpreted "yes". "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don´t know" means yes. "It doesn+t matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn´t work, but all the other options are worse.

There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.

 

Consult this handy chart:

JUST SAY NO

Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasise about him?
Are you tired of me?

JUST SAY YES

Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasise about me?
Do you like my beard/moustache/hair/shirt?

 

this is cheap imitation

 

JUST SAY NO

Is there someone else? we dont ask this question..we just get jealous
Do you still fantasise about him? we dont ask this question..we leave
Are you tired of me?

JUST SAY YES

Do you still love me? I think, we ask this very very rarely
Do you ever fantasise about me?
Do you like my beard/moustache/hair/shirt?

 

180.       catwoman
8933 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 03:08 am

With special dedication to thehandsom:

 

JUST SAY NO

Are you attracted to someone else?
Are all these guys at work having a crush on you?
Do I have any issues with communication and showing affection?

 

JUST SAY YES

Am I still any good in bed (are you ever NOT faking)?
Do you ever want to see me other then the day I get paid at work?
Do you like my beer belly and bald scalp?


181.       catwoman
8933 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 11:15 pm

85 ways of how to be ´one of the guys´, continued...

 

41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don´t.

42. Try to have a good memory, but it´s OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend´s birthday and eye color.

43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can´t see them, they can´t see you.

44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

46. Lie.

47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don´t know.

48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don´t know.

49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON´T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.

51. You are male, therefore you are superior.

52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.

53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

54. Don´t ever notice anything.

55. If you´re going out with someone but you love someone else, don´t say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.

56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

58. Lie.

59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you´ve done nothing wrong.

60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway.

...

...

...

182.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 11:17 pm

 

Quoting catwoman

85 ways of how to be ´one of the guys´, continued...

 

41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don´t.

42. Try to have a good memory, but it´s OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend´s birthday and eye color.

43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can´t see them, they can´t see you.

44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

46. Lie.

47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don´t know.

48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don´t know.

49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON´T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.

51. You are male, therefore you are superior.

52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.

53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

54. Don´t ever notice anything.

55. If you´re going out with someone but you love someone else, don´t say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.

56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

58. Lie.

59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you´ve done nothing wrong.

60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway.

...

...

...

This is getting quite offensive!!!{#lang_emotions_you_smartass}{#lang_emotions_get_you}

 

183.       catwoman
8933 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 11:58 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

This is getting quite offensive!!!{#lang_emotions_you_smartass}{#lang_emotions_get_you}

 

Truth hurts? (at least it´s not a manual of how to humiliate your partner! {#lang_emotions_razz})

184.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 20 Oct 2008 Mon 12:37 am

 

Quoting catwoman

Truth hurts? (at least it´s not a manual of how to humiliate your partner! {#lang_emotions_razz})

 

well..I have an advice for you: ´it is better for you to stick to mltm´..

Because ´she is what you ever get´ with this rate...

185.       mltm
3690 posts
 20 Oct 2008 Mon 12:47 am

 

Quoting thehandsom

Because ´she is what you ever get´ with this rate...

 

 What does it mean? {#lang_emotions_unsure}

186.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 20 Oct 2008 Mon 01:32 am

 

Quoting mltm

 What does it mean? {#lang_emotions_unsure}

 

I meant , no men will want to be with her..

It is just A joke mltm..

187.       catwoman
8933 posts
 20 Oct 2008 Mon 02:22 am

 

Quoting thehandsom

I meant , no men will want to be with her..

 

That is simply not true. Maybe it is hard to comprehend, but there is a saying "a man of quality is not threatened by a woman of equality".

188.       wendy.boo
20 posts
 23 Oct 2008 Thu 01:33 pm

They got me...

http://i38.tinypic.com/33lleyt.jpg

 

189.       catwoman
8933 posts
 23 Oct 2008 Thu 09:19 pm

85 ways to be ´one of the guys´... last installment

 

61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don´t know."

62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

64. Don´t ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn´t come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.

66. Other peoples´ pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.

67. Lie.

68. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you´ve done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

69. 69

70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn´t want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn´t talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"

71. Three words: Let´s be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it´s bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I´ll pretend I want to be your friend.

72. Lie.

73. If you´re on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you´ve been laid in.

74. Here´s a good trick. Tell a girl that you´re going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad´s room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)

75. If a girl breaks up with you because you´re in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE´s the one who wanted to end the relationship.

76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.

77. Default facial expression: blank stare.

78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.

79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON´T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn´t work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don´t know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn´t do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.

81. Beer. Then more beer.

82. One word: FOOTBALL!

83. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don´t want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???

84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.

85. LIE.

190.       lesluv
722 posts
 23 Oct 2008 Thu 10:12 pm

Little boy says to his father....."dad, where does poo come from?"

Dad says "the food passes down esophagus to the stomach, where the digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as ´poo´."

"Blimey", says the little boy " and what about Tigger"

 

{#lang_emotions_lol_fast}

191.       theapprentice
15 posts
 25 Oct 2008 Sat 05:50 pm

woman one to her friend:  any idea what bob is getting you for you birthday

 

answer: im getting roses from bob as always

 

woman one to her friend: well whats wrong with that

 

answer: well he always has expectation after giving me flowers, and I dont fancy spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.

 

woman on to friend: dont you have a vase

192.       geniuda
1070 posts
 27 Oct 2008 Mon 01:58 am

DEFINITION OF POLITICS ...

 
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ´What is Politics
Dad says, ´Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The
President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the
Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.´
So the little boy
goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.


Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby ha s severely
soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents´ room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny´s
room finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ´Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.´
The father says, ´Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.´
The little boy replies,
´The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep shit.

 

{#lang_emotions_puking}

193.       lesluv
722 posts
 03 Nov 2008 Mon 01:12 pm

Temel sarhoþ olunca... Temel evde Fadime´ye, "Ah sevgilim, içince cok guzel oluyorsun" demiþ... Bunu duyan karýsý, "a-a! Ben birsey içmedim ki" deyince, Temel, "Evet, ama ben içtim," demez mi!

 

 "Ah my darling Fadime, drink makes you so beautiful," said Temel.
"But I didn´t drink anything," replied his wife.
"Yes, but I did," he slobbered.

194.       lady in red
6947 posts
 03 Nov 2008 Mon 06:20 pm

The Olympic skater raced onto the ice and slipped over on his face. He recovered and then fell over again, and again, and again.

 

Up went the marks of the judges.

 

Great Britain 0.0

Germany 0.0

France 0.0

Ireland 3.4

 

´Why the score of 3.4?´ asked the other officials.

´Well,´ said Judge Murphy, ´You´ve gotto make allowances. Oi mean t´was terrible slippy out there!´

 

195.       sugarbullet
7 posts
 04 Nov 2008 Tue 01:29 pm

> A store that sells new husbands has opened in New
> > > York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.
> > Among
> > > the instructions at the entrance is a description of
> > how the
> > > store operates:
> > >
> > > You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six
> > > floors and the value of the products increase as the
> > shopper
> > > ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item
> > from a
> > > particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
> > floor,
> > > but you cannot go back down except to exit the
> > building!


> > >
> > > So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a
> > > husband. On the first floor the sign on the door
> > reads:
> > > Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
> > > She is intrigued, but continues to the second

> > > floor, where the sign reads:
> > > Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
> > > ´That´s nice,´ she thinks, ´but I
> > > want more.´
> > >
> > > So she continues upward. The third floor sign
> > > reads:
> > > Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are
> > > Extremely Good Looking.
> > >´Wow,´ she thinks, but feels compelled to
> > > keep going.
> > >
> > > She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
> > > Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are
> > > Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
> > > ´Oh, mercy me!´ she exclaims, ´I can
> > > hardly stand it!´
> > >
> > > Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign
> > > reads:
> > > Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are
> > > Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a
> > Strong
> > > Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she
> > goes
> > > to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
> > >
> > > Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456 to this floor.
> > > There are no men on this floor. This floor exists
> > solely as
> > > proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you
> > for
> > > shopping at the Husband Store.
> > >
> > > PLEASE NOTE:
> > > To avoid gender bias charges, the store´s owner
> > > opened a New Wives store just across the street
> > > The first floor has wives that love sex.
> > > The second floor has wives that love sex, like beer
> > > and have money.
> > > The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have
> > > never been visited.
>
>
>

196.       sheena
308 posts
 04 Nov 2008 Tue 08:29 pm

Divorce vs Murder

 

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,

walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

´I would like to buy some cyanide.´ The pharmacist asked, ´Why in the world do you need cyanide?´

 

The lady replied, ´I need it to poison my husband´

The pharmacist´s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ´Lord have mercy!I can´t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That´s against the law! I´ll lose my license!They´ll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not!you CANNOT have cyanide!´

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist´s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ´Well now, that´s different.

You didn´t tell me you had a prescription.´

197.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 08 Nov 2008 Sat 04:03 pm

A Girl´s Guide to Geek Guys

So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you´re wondering where to go from here. All the sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.

Why Geek Dudes Rule

They are generally available.
Other women will tend not to steal them.
They can fix things.
Your parents will love them.
They´re smart.

 

Where The Geek Dude Lurks

While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you´ll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation.

Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength.

 

Once You´ve Nabbed Him

Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether.

Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance.

Geek Cuisine

Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren´t all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.

 

One Last Thing

Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven´t noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don´t ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn´t quite grasped yet.

Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don´t you consider yourself one? Wouldn´t you like a little intellectual stimulation or your own? We thought so.

198.       doudi94
845 posts
 08 Nov 2008 Sat 05:13 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

A Girl´s Guide to Geek Guys

So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you´re wondering where to go from here. All the sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek.

Why Geek Dudes Rule

They are generally available.
Other women will tend not to steal them.
They can fix things.
Your parents will love them.
They´re smart.

 

Where The Geek Dude Lurks

While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you´ll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation.

Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength.

 

Once You´ve Nabbed Him

Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether.

Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance.

Geek Cuisine

Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren´t all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor.

 

One Last Thing

Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven´t noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don´t ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn´t quite grasped yet.

Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don´t you consider yourself one? Wouldn´t you like a little intellectual stimulation or your own? We thought so.

 

 Are you posting this as an advertisment about yourself?

199.       lady in red
6947 posts
 13 Nov 2008 Thu 12:16 am

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it´s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you´re a man. That´s interesting. I´m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There´s nothing left, but we´re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".


Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here´s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn´t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.


The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.


The man asks, "Aren´t you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I´ll just wait for the police.... "



MORAL OF THE STORY:


Women are clever, evil people. Don´t mess with them.

200.       girleegirl
5065 posts
 13 Nov 2008 Thu 03:05 am

 

Quoting lady in red

Women are clever, evil people. Don´t mess with them.

 

 {#lang_emotions_ninja}

201.       lesluv
722 posts
 14 Nov 2008 Fri 01:14 am



2 monkeys in a bath.

The first monkey says "oo oo ah ah"

The second monkey says "well put some cold in then"


{#lang_emotions_bigsmile}

202.       lady in red
6947 posts
 14 Nov 2008 Fri 09:45 am

 

Quoting lesluv

2 monkeys in a bath.

The first monkey says "oo oo ah ah"

The second monkey says "well put some cold in then"

{#lang_emotions_bigsmile}

 

 You´re not supposed to open the crackers before Christmas!!!  {#lang_emotions_laugh_at}

203.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 14 Nov 2008 Fri 11:50 am

How contraceptive pills work:

 

1. Women take pills and urinating they pass contraceptives into gutter systems

2. Frogs absorb water with contraceptives and canot breed

3. Storks have no frogs to eat and die

4. No storks means no one to bring children

204.       lesluv
722 posts
 14 Nov 2008 Fri 01:16 pm

 

Quoting lady in red

 You´re not supposed to open the crackers before Christmas!!!  {#lang_emotions_laugh_at}

 

 I know but all the other jokes are too rude to put on here

205.       Trudy
7887 posts
 14 Nov 2008 Fri 09:20 pm

Two friends in the town of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada were just fed up with the long, harsh winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia. They arrived in Australia still wearing their down jackets, wool hats and snow boots. They wandered into an airport pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G´day, mates. Where´er you from?" One of the Canadians replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan". The Aussie nodded his head in acknowledgement and returned to his table where his buddies asked, "So where are they from?" "Don´t know," replied the Aussie. "They don´t speak English."

206.       lesluv
722 posts
 15 Nov 2008 Sat 10:17 am

A young couple were making passionate love in a van. Suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, ´Oh, big boy, whip me, whip me!´

The guy, in a flash of inspiration, opens the window and snaps the aerial off his van. He then proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, ´Did you get these marks having sex?´

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, ´I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you´ve got the worst case of van aerial disease that I´ve ever seen!´

 

207.       lady in red
6947 posts
 15 Nov 2008 Sat 10:45 am

 

Quoting lesluv

A young couple were making passionate love in a van. Suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, ´Oh, big boy, whip me, whip me!´

The guy, in a flash of inspiration, opens the window and snaps the aerial off his van. He then proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, ´Did you get these marks having sex?´

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, ´I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you´ve got the worst case of van aerial disease that I´ve ever seen!´

 

  lol lol lol - that made me laugh out loud! {#lang_emotions_flowers}

 

208.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 15 Nov 2008 Sat 12:30 pm

A gentleman in his forties complained to his wife that their sex life had become a tad dull and suggested that they should try to spice it up a bit. He suggested that the wife should moan during climax. So one night they´re having sex and the wife asks

- Honey, should I start moaning yet?

- Hold on for a bit more - answers the husband

A few minutes pass and the husband says

- Ok, now, moan, moan!

- Oh my God, the installments of our bank loan went up, kids need new shoes and I have been wearing the same coat for the last three years

lol

209.       libralady
5152 posts
 16 Nov 2008 Sun 01:07 pm

When Grandma went to court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren´t prepared for the answer.  In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ´Mrs. Jones, do you know me?´ She responded, ´Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I´ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you´ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you´re a big shot when you haven´t the brains to realize you´ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.´

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ´Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?´
She again replied, ´Why yes, I do. I´ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He´s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can´t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.´

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ´If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I´ll send you both to the electric chair.´

210.       alameda
3499 posts
 16 Nov 2008 Sun 06:34 pm

 

Quoting libralady

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ´If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I´ll send you both to the electric chair.´

 

Priceless....be careful what you ask for....

211.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 03:01 pm

Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone

 

MATURITY

 

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

 

BATHROOMS

 

A man has 6 items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman´s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 

SHOES

 

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

 

GOING OUT

 

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.

When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...

 

OFFSPRING

 

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

DRESSING UP

 

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.

 

 

WEDDINGS

 

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".

Men talk about "the bachelor party".

 

 

EATING OUT

 

... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in a $20 bill, even though it´s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MIRRORS

 

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women are ridiculous. They will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola´s head.

 

MENOPAUSE

 

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

 

TELEPHONE

 

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

 

ADMITTING MISTAKES

 

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

 

RICHARD GERE

 

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

 

MADONNA

 

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

 

 

MOVIES

 

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.

The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

 

CONVERSATION

 

Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie" -- "What, are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size" -- "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys," etc.

Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mmhmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn´t it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

 

FRIENDS

 

Women on a girls´ night out talk the whole time.

Men on a boys´ night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

 

RESTROOMS

 

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.

Women use restrooms as social lounges.

Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other.

Women who´ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.

 

212.       catwoman
8933 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 04:43 pm

 

Dogs Vs Men

 

-- how dogs are better then men

 

  • Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  • Dogs miss you when you´re gone.
  • You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
  • Dogs feel guilt when they´ve done something wrong.
  • Dogs don´t brag about whom they have slept with.
  • Dogs don´t criticize your friends.
  • Dogs admit when they´re jealous.
  • Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
  • Dogs do not play games with you -
  • except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
  • Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you´re together.
  • Dogs don´t feel threatened by your intelligence.
  • No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
  • You can house train a dog.
  • Dogs are easy to buy for.
  • Dogs are good with kids.
  • Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
  • Gorgeous dogs don´t know they´re gorgeous.
  • You are never suspicious of your dog´s dreams.
  • The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there´s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
  • Dogs understand what "No!" means.
  • Dogs don´t need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
  • Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
  • Dogs do not read at the table.
  • Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
  • You can force a dog to take a bath.
  • Dogs don´t correct your stories.
  • Middle-aged dogs don´t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
  • Dogs aren´t threatened by a woman with short hair.
  • Dogs aren´t threatened by two women with short hair.
  • Dogs don´t weigh down your purse with their stuff.
  • Dogs don´t mind if you do all the driving.
  • Dogs don´t step on the imaginary brake.
  • Dogs admit it when they´re lost.
  • Dogs look at your eyes.
  • Dogs like your size.
  • Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
  • Dogs take care of their own needs.
  • Dogs are color blind.
  • Dogs aren´t threatened if you earn more than they do.
  • Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
  • Dogs are nice to your relatives.
  • Dogs don´t care how you dress.
  • Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

(to be continued)

213.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 04:51 pm

Cat is back with her sexist jokes {#lang_emotions_wtf}

 

===

WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

 

Men only have two feet to track in mud.

Men can buy you presents.

Men don´t have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.

Men are a little bit more subtle.

Men don´t eat cat turds on the sly.

Men open their own cans.

Dogs have dog breath all the time.

Men can do math stuff.

Holiday Inns accept men.

214.       doudi94
845 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 05:57 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

Cat is back with her sexist jokes {#lang_emotions_wtf}

 

===

 

WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

 

Men only have two feet to track in mud.

Men can buy you presents.

Men don´t have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.

Men are a little bit more subtle.

Men don´t eat cat turds on the sly.

Men open their own cans.

Dogs have dog breath all the time.

Men can do math stuff.

Holiday Inns accept men.

 

 

Cat gave waaaaay more reasons!

U only gave 9!

BTW i just finished printing out cat´s joke

Ill put it up in the girls bathroom =D (when our 9 day vacation is over!)

it was 2 pages!

215.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 06:20 pm

 

Quoting doudi94

Cat gave waaaaay more reasons!

U only gave 9!

 

Excuse me, but it is so obvious: her reasons are lacking  substance and gravity...

 

216.       doudi94
845 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 06:24 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

Excuse me, but it is so obvious: her reasons are lacking  substance and gravity...

 

i dont know what that means....

:$

217.       Trudy
7887 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 07:18 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

Excuse me, but it is so obvious: her reasons are lacking  substance and gravity...

 

 I found hers almost all true while yours..... lol

218.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 07:24 pm

 

Quoting Trudy

 I found hers almost all true while yours ARE 200% TRUE.....

 

Thank you Trudy..{#lang_emotions_flowers}

219.       Trudy
7887 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 08:33 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

Thank you Trudy..{#lang_emotions_flowers}

 

 Doctoring someone posts is a no-no. Probably also forbidden by 301.

 

BTW Thanks for that very nice PM in which you apologised for everything rude you ever said to me. But don´t be so harsh on yourself, to lash yourself as a punishment is a bit overdone. lol

220.       libralady
5152 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 08:45 pm

 

Quoting Trudy

 Doctoring someone posts is a no-no. Probably also forbidden by 301.

 

BTW Thanks for that very nice PM in which you apologised for everything rude you ever said to me. But don´t be so harsh on yourself, to lash yourself as a punishment is a bit overdone. lol

 

 So you found the "un-ignore" button! {#lang_emotions_lol_fast}

221.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 08:52 pm

 

Quoting libralady

 So you found the "un-ignore" button! {#lang_emotions_lol_fast}

 

Yes I have been un-ignored..{#lang_emotions_rolleyes}

and guess what? She PMed me back.

I am still considering if I should  make her PM public or not..{#lang_emotions_angel}

222.       libralady
5152 posts
 06 Dec 2008 Sat 09:17 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

Yes I have been un-ignored..{#lang_emotions_rolleyes}

and guess what? She PMed me back.

I am still considering if I should  make her PM public or not..{#lang_emotions_angel}

 

 A bottle of Raki says you wont make it public {#lang_emotions_alcoholics}

223.       lesluv
722 posts
 07 Dec 2008 Sun 11:45 pm



One morning while making breakfast,


A man walked up to his wife,


Pinched her on the butt and said...


´If you firmed this up, we could get rid of


Your control top pantyhose.´


While this was on the edge of intolerable,
She kept silent .


The next morning,


The man woke his wife with


A pinch on each of her breasts


And said...


´You know, if you firmed these up,


We could get rid of your bra.´


This was


Beyond


A silent response...


So she rolled over


And


Grabbed him


By his


´DANGLER.´


With a death grip in place,


She said...


   ´You know,


If you


Firmed this up,


We could


Get rid of  


The gardener,


   The postman,
       The pool man


                 And  Your brother



 



 



 



224.       lesluv
722 posts
 08 Dec 2008 Mon 11:10 am

Why Santa couldn´t possibly be a man!!{#lang_emotions_lol}

Men can´t pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don´t answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

Men aren´t interested in stockings unless somebody´s wearing them.

Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

225.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 08 Dec 2008 Mon 01:19 pm

Lesluv, please DO edit post 223. It ruins the allignment

226.       lesluv
722 posts
 08 Dec 2008 Mon 02:14 pm

 

Quoting Daydreamer

Lesluv, please DO edit post 223. It ruins the allignment

 

 has the allignment been restored?

227.       lesluv
722 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 12:39 am

A christmas story for those of you having a bad day

 

 

When four of Santa´s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.


Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank
all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice
had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully, ´Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn´t this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?´


















And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree. {#lang_emotions_bigsmile}

228.       bod
5999 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 04:29 pm

Husband says to his wife:

"If we won the lottery, what would you do with your half?"

 

Wife replies:

"Pack my bags and leave you!"

 

Husband says:

We have won a tenner, here´s your fiver - now f*ck off"

 

229.       TheAenigma
5001 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 04:34 pm

 

Quoting bod

Husband says to his wife:

"If we won the lottery, what would you do with your half?"

 

Wife replies:

"Pack my bags and leave you!"

 

Husband says:

We have won a tenner, here´s your fiver - now f*ck off"

 

 lol lol lol

230.       bod
5999 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 04:40 pm

A man with no arms and no legs is sat on a towel on the beach.

 

3 beautiful women are walking past and the first one says "poor thing, have you ever been kissed?"   He said no so she kissed him and walked off.    The second woman said to him "poor thing, have you ever been hugged?"  He said no so she hugged him and walked off.

The third woman says to him "poor thing, have you ever been f*ck*d?"  He said no so she replied and said:  "Well you are going to be now - the tides coming in!"

 

231.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 04:53 pm

 

Quoting lesluv

A christmas story for those of you having a bad day

 

 

When four of Santa´s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.


Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank
all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice
had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully, ´Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn´t this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?´


















And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree. {#lang_emotions_bigsmile}

lol lol lol lol

 

232.       bod
5999 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 05:22 pm

An Irish woman was admitted to hospital complaining about pain after having phone sex.

 

Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.

 

No Siemen was found........

233.       teaschip
3870 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 08:47 pm

 

Quoting bod

An Irish woman was admitted to hospital complaining about pain after having phone sex.

 

Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.

 

No Siemen was found........

 

 {#lang_emotions_lol_fast}

234.       bod
5999 posts
 10 Dec 2008 Wed 10:39 am

Al Qeada have been putting explosives into cans of alphabet spagetti.......

If one goes off it could spell disaster........

235.       lesluv
722 posts
 13 Dec 2008 Sat 01:34 pm

Rudolph and Dancer were in the stables talking
Rudolph: I don´t think much for the new trainee reindeer, Bernard
Dancer: Really? Why´s that?
Rudolph: Well.. for one, he is behind me, and two, he´s not too good at stopping. {#lang_emotions_wtf}

236.       lady in red
6947 posts
 13 Dec 2008 Sat 10:18 pm

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn´t work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It´s hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn´t surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don´t mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully, 

 

 

 

 

237.       bod
5999 posts
 14 Dec 2008 Sun 03:41 pm

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm........

 

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick come on the bus.

238.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 14 Dec 2008 Sun 09:27 pm

Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol

REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media.

The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.

"It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft´s Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems´ trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java., when it occurred to us that there are no countries named ´ActiveX.´ We tossed around the idea of changing the name of ´ActiveX´ to ´Chile´ or ´Brazil´ -- which also help distance it from the recently-uncovered security holes -- when someone joked that we´d save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we just trademarked the trademark symbol."

Schexnader continued, "Initially, we all laughed -- but one look at Bill´s face, and we knew we´d be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark Office in the morning."

Microsoft hasn´t wasted any time enforcing the new trademark. According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft´s Ministry of Litigation and Law Enforcement, "Use of the ´tm´ symbol will now be restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic Church."

But companies wishing to use the ´(tm)´ symbol will not be left out in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new symbol, ´(tMS)´, to replace the now-restricted ´(tm)´ symbol.

"Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free," states Goldberg, "though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use in the future."

Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, "Apple Computer developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten years ago," but refused to give any details on the exact nature of the lawsuit.

No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for comment Tuesday.

239.       lesluv
722 posts
 14 Dec 2008 Sun 11:30 pm

To Feel Like A Woman

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front
of the plane. "I´m too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I´m going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a
woman! Well I´ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel
like a woman," he says.

He´s gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes,
he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button
at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man
approaches.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm
holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
































"Iron this."{#lang_emotions_lol_fast}{#lang_emotions_get_you}

240.       bod
5999 posts
 15 Dec 2008 Mon 12:35 pm

I´ve just come back from an appointment with a fortune teller........

She told me alot of money would be coming my way.......I left very excited and immediately got hit by a Securicor van........

241.       lesluv
722 posts
 15 Dec 2008 Mon 11:56 pm

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a ´sniffing dog´. ´His name is Sniffer and he´s the best there is. I´ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.´

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, ´Watch this.´ He told Sniffer to ´search.´

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent´s arm.

The agent said, ´ Good boy´, and he turned to the man and said, ´That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I´m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

´Say, that´s pretty neat,´ replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent´s arm.

The agent said, ´That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I ´m making a note of his seat number for the police.´

I like it!´ said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to ´search´ again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn´t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, ´What´s going on?´

The agent nervously replied, ´He…ah...he just found a bomb.{#lang_emotions_wtf}

242.       bod
5999 posts
 16 Dec 2008 Tue 10:56 am

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought, That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face. The fat lady thought, That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him. Bill Clinton thought, George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me. George Bush thought, I hope there´s another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.´

243.       bod
5999 posts
 16 Dec 2008 Tue 02:58 pm

Why doesn´t Santa smoke ?

 

 

´cos it´s bad for his Elf........

244.       lesluv
722 posts
 16 Dec 2008 Tue 03:22 pm

as I´m feeling a bit skint.....(dudu wanted a ferrari!!{#lang_emotions_lol}) and can´t be bothered with writing cards.... here is your christmas card...ho ho ho

 

http://www.hentastic.co.uk/saucy-santa-hen-night/index.htm

245.       dogman
82 posts
 16 Dec 2008 Tue 04:46 pm

 

Quoting bod

Why doesn´t Santa smoke ?

 

 

´cos it´s bad for his Elf........

 

It´s not a problem in the UK because we have a National Elf Service

246.       femmeous
2642 posts
 16 Dec 2008 Tue 04:49 pm

 

Quoting bod

I´ve just come back from an appointment with a fortune teller........

She told me alot of money would be coming my way.......I left very excited and immediately got hit by a Securicor van........

 

 lol yeah thats a lot of money just hit you lol

you lucky!

247.       bod
5999 posts
 16 Dec 2008 Tue 04:53 pm

 

Quoting dogman

It´s not a problem in the UK because we have a National Elf Service

 

But they are trying to stop using it for smoking related problems.......

248.       lessluv
1052 posts
 20 Dec 2008 Sat 05:37 pm

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son´s
house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

´What are you doing?´ she asked.

´I´m waiting for Justin to come home from
work.´ The daughter-in-law answered.

´ But you´re naked!´ the mother-in-law exclaimed..

´This is my love dress,´ the daughter-in-law
explained.

´Love dress? But you´re naked!´

´Justin loves me to wear this dress,´ she
explained.

´Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.´

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

´ What are you doing?´ he asked.

´This is my love dress,´ she whispered,
sensually.

´Needs ironing,´ he said, ´What´s for dinner?´

{#lang_emotions_you_smartass}{#lang_emotions_lol}

249.       FamilyGuy
81 posts
 22 Dec 2008 Mon 10:03 am

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don´t undo my trousers, I´ll burst !

5: I´ve never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet ?

8: It´s a little dry, do you still want to eat it ?

9: Just wait your turn, you´ll get some !

10: Don´t play with your meat !

11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you´ll be able to handle all these people at once ?

13: I didn´t expect everyone to come at the same time !

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in ?

16: You´ll know it´s ready when it pops up.

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That´s the biggest bird I´ve ever had !

19: I´m so full, I´ve been gobbling nuts all morning.

20: Wow, I didn´t think I could handle all that and still want more.

250.       lady in red
6947 posts
 22 Dec 2008 Mon 10:59 am

 

Quoting FamilyGuy

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don´t undo my trousers, I´ll burst !

5: I´ve never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet ?

8: It´s a little dry, do you still want to eat it ?

9: Just wait your turn, you´ll get some !

10: Don´t play with your meat !

11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you´ll be able to handle all these people at once ?

13: I didn´t expect everyone to come at the same time !

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in ?

16: You´ll know it´s ready when it pops up.

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That´s the biggest bird I´ve ever had !

19: I´m so full, I´ve been gobbling nuts all morning.

20: Wow, I didn´t think I could handle all that and still want more.

 

 lollol - I´m really surprised les(s)luv didn´t get in first with this one!

251.       TheAenigma
5001 posts
 22 Dec 2008 Mon 12:26 pm

 

Quoting lessluv

 

 Damn! That sapik is back....AND with an extra S

 

Ooops I forgot to be festive....ermmm how lovely

252.       bod
5999 posts
 22 Dec 2008 Mon 03:00 pm

My poor mother is epileptic.........

 

For xmas I have bought her a strobe light - she´s going to have a fit when she see it lol

253.       lessluv
1052 posts
 22 Dec 2008 Mon 03:16 pm

 

Quoting lady in red

 lollol - I´m really surprised les(s)luv didn´t get in first with this one!

 

 gad damn it ....I had that one all ready for tonight {#lang_emotions_rant}{#lang_emotions_lol}

254.       lessluv
1052 posts
 22 Dec 2008 Mon 03:40 pm

so have this one instead!! (NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED)

 

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
everyone was drinking....even the mouse
with mom in the whore house and smoking grass 
I just settled down with a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn, I heard such a clatter,
I spung off my piece to see what was the matter.
And what to my stoned-out eyes should appear,
but a shitty old sleigh and eight f**king reindeer.

With a dirty old man who was beating his dick,
I knew at that moment, it must be St. Nick.
He flew across the lawn and up the house wall,
he cried onward you b*****ds or it´s off with your balls.

Then down the chimney he came like a bat out of hell,
I knew at that moment, the fat f**ker fell.
He filled all the stockings with drugs and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother who´s queer.

And up again he went with a fart,
that son of a bitch blew my chimney apart.
And I heard him say as he flew out of sight,
"piss on you all it´s been a hell of a night."

 

 

 

255.       bod
5999 posts
 22 Dec 2008 Mon 05:08 pm

 

Quoting FamilyGuy

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS


2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

 

Why can I only say these at Christmas..........

Clearly you haven´t met my girlie yet

256.       lessluv
1052 posts
 23 Dec 2008 Tue 04:38 pm

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece.


He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy.


He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn´t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn´t see anything, the second day he didn´t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

257.       amicamia
24 posts
 24 Dec 2008 Wed 12:22 am

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious , he was about to go and see why his wife hadn´t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said,

"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"

258.       amicamia
24 posts
 24 Dec 2008 Wed 04:46 pm

TOO HOT /

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short email back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the email ended up going to
JeanJohn@world.net.

A Jean Johnson in Duluth was the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher´s wife when she came home,just wanted to take a look at the last mails sent by her dearest before he passed away.When she took one look at the e-mail box,she promptly fainted.Her mother heard her falling down,rushed into the room.As she was trying to pick her up,she saw the mail on the screen:
-Darling,arrived safely,miss you a lot.I’ve just booked your place,waiting you to arrive tomorrow.
P.S:Here is too hot!

{#lang_emotions_wtf}

259.       amicamia
24 posts
 24 Dec 2008 Wed 04:56 pm

An Affair/

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There´s no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

260.       amicamia
24 posts
 25 Dec 2008 Thu 08:27 pm

Two factory workers are talking.The woman says:
"-I can make the boss give me the day off.
"-And how would you do that? "asks the man.
The woman says, "-Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and asks:
"-What are you doing? "
"-I´m a light bulb."The woman replies:
The boss then says, "-You´ve been working so much that you´ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
As the man starting to follow her, the boss shouts:
- "And where are you going ? ! "
The man says:
"-I´m going home, too. I can´t work in the dark
."

{#lang_emotions_confused}

261.       lessluv
1052 posts
 28 Dec 2008 Sun 01:35 am

Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, ´Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years´?

The fairy godmother replied, ´Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?´

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

´The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.I´m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques,and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chairturnedintosolid gold.

Cinderella said,
´Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother´

The fairy godmother replied,

´It is the least that I can do.What do you want for your second wish?´

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,

´I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.´

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years..

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
´You have one more wish; what shall it be?´

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, ´I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.´

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
´Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.´

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other´s eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........................

.................................................. ......................................
´Bet you´re sorry now that you had my balls cut off´

262.       lessluv
1052 posts
 28 Dec 2008 Sun 08:16 pm

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ´Slim Fast´. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn´t let such a comment go unrewarded.


The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April", he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snigger. "It´s not talcum powder;

it´s ´Miracle Grow´!!!!!!

{#lang_emotions_rolleyes}

263.       amicamia
24 posts
 31 Dec 2008 Wed 11:58 pm

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity,and kept repeating:
"Why did you die?.. Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said:
"Sir, I don´t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I´ve ever seen before.For whom do you mourn so deeply?Your child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered:
"My wife´s first husband!..ohh...Why did you die???
Why did you die?!!!"

264.       lessluv
1052 posts
 03 Jan 2009 Sat 04:13 am

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can´t baptise cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don´t let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don´t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don´t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time
.
8) You can´t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don´t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

1 The best place to be when you´re sad is Grandpa´s lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:


1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don´t hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today´s mighty oak is just yesterday´s nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It´s like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy inside the box.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD


1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you´re down there.

4) You´re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It´s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it´s a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.





THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:


1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don´t believe in Santa Claus.


3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.




SUCCESS:


At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.

At age 35 success is . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.




Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short. Dance naked

265.       lessluv
1052 posts
 03 Jan 2009 Sat 10:13 am

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ´What is Politics?´
Dad says, ´Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The Nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.´
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parents´ room and finds his mother
asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny´s room finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ´Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.´
The father says, ´Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.´
The little boy replies,
´The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government
is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep
sh**.

266.       lessluv
1052 posts
 05 Jan 2009 Mon 06:23 am


Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland, on Ouldeniz beach couldn´t seem
to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for
some advice..



"Mate, it´s obvious," says the lifeguard, "you´re wearing them old baggy
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They´re years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato > down inside ´em. I´m
tellin´ ya man...you´ll have all the babes ya want!"



The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new
tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was
disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away,
laughing, looking sick!


So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What´s wrong now?"



"JAHEESUS !" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"


 


267.       bod
5999 posts
 06 Jan 2009 Tue 12:14 pm

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, ´´Jesus is watching you!´´while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, ´´Who said that?!´´ Once again he heard the same thing, ´´Jesus is watching you!´´ The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, ´´Cornelius.´´ The robber said, ´´What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!´´ The parrot said, ´´The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!´´

268.       aneczkabubu
26 posts
 06 Jan 2009 Tue 10:47 pm

 

Quoting geniuda

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno´t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! :-S lol

 

 hehe i think you can find something similar in every language...{#lang_emotions_flowers}that is our beautiful mind working this way!!!

269.       bod
5999 posts
 07 Jan 2009 Wed 11:56 am

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it nearly full and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him. ´Why don´t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!´ The blind man replies: ´If you would´ve put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we´d be sitting in the bus´.

270.       lessluv
1052 posts
 15 Jan 2009 Thu 01:48 am

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, ´I´ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition.´

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, ´You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.´

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man´s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.........






´Clean my house.´

271.       teaschip
3870 posts
 15 Jan 2009 Thu 02:05 am

 {#lang_emotions_laugh_at}

Quoting lessluv

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, ´I´ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition.´

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, ´You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.´

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man´s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.........






´Clean my house.´

 

 

272.       lady in red
6947 posts
 16 Jan 2009 Fri 02:16 pm

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Don´t take life too seriously. You´re not getting out alive, anyway.

Everybody lies, but it doesn´t matter since nobody listens

Everyone is entitled to my opinion

God loves stupid people. That´s why he made so many

If something goes without saying, LET IT!

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn´t work anyway

Just remember...if the world didn´t suck, we´d all fall off

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges ?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

 

Not really jokes - more truisms (or should that be aphorisms ) {#lang_emotions_unsure}  - but I liked them

 

273.       cybernetics
753 posts
 17 Jan 2009 Sat 11:50 am

a man calls his home and and his gardener answer the phone after 4-5 ringing

 

gardener : hello,

the man : why you did answer the phone very late ?

gardener : i am sorry sir, i was trying to fix the garden shovel

the man: what happened ?

gardener : your dog died today and the shovel broked while i was digging a grave for your dog.

the man : OH GOD , MY DOG !!! , what happened to my dog, why he died ?

gardener : he did fell down in the pool

the man : my dog can swimm, this is bullshit..

gardener : sir, your house burned today and the fire brigade did use the water of the pool to extinguish your house, and your dog did fall down in empty pool ..

the man : WHAT ??? MY HOUSE?? WHY ? HOW?

gardener : sir, your mom had an heart attack today and she died too and the one of the someones who were they came in the house to help for her, droped his/her cigarette on the carpet and the fire did start because of this.

the man : OMG OMG, MY MOMMMM ? WHAT THE HELL? WHYYY??

gardener: sir, when your mom get in your bed room to take something from there, she saw your wife with another man in your bed and she had an heart attack.

the man : F...k!!!! omg omg omg , what the hell is going on there oh god ( and he asked while he is crying) , is there any positive thing today??

gardener : oh yes sir there is, do you remember that you went to doctor to test for HIV virus last week?

the man : yes i remember.

gardener : the test results came today and ITS POSITIVE .....

 

274.       Merih
933 posts
 17 Jan 2009 Sat 01:39 pm

 

Quoting cybernetics

a man calls his home and and his gardener answer the phone after 4-5 ringing

 

gardener : hello,

the man : why you did answer the phone very late ?

gardener : i am sorry sir, i was trying to fix the garden shovel

the man: what happened ?

gardener : your dog died today and the shovel broked while i was digging a grave for your dog.

the man : OH GOD , MY DOG !!! , what happened to my dog, why he died ?

gardener : he did fell down in the pool

the man : my dog can swimm, this is bullshit..

gardener : sir, your house burned today and the fire brigade did use the water of the pool to extinguish your house, and your dog did fall down in empty pool ..

the man : WHAT ??? MY HOUSE?? WHY ? HOW?

gardener : sir, your mom had an heart attack today and she died too and the one of the someones who were they came in the house to help for her, droped his/her cigarette on the carpet and the fire did start because of this.

the man : OMG OMG, MY MOMMMM ? WHAT THE HELL? WHYYY??

gardener: sir, when your mom get in your bed room to take something from there, she saw your wife with another man in your bed and she had an heart attack.

the man : F...k!!!! omg omg omg , what the hell is going on there oh god ( and he asked while he is crying) , is there any positive thing today??

gardener : oh yes sir there is, do you remember that you went to doctor to test for HIV virus last week?

the man : yes i remember.

gardener : the test results came today and ITS POSITIVE .....

 

 

 It was really a nice one..

275.       Melek74
1506 posts
 19 Jan 2009 Mon 05:59 pm

Forgiveness ...

 

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ´How many of you have forgiven your enemies?´
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Miss Kay´´; ´Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?´
I don´t have any.´ She replied, smiling sweetly.
´Miss Kay", that is very unusual. How old are you?´
´Ninety-eight.´ she replied.
´Oh, Miss. Kay, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can
live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?´  
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:  
´I out lived the b*****s. ´  !

276.       lessluv
1052 posts
 19 Jan 2009 Mon 11:41 pm

Computer geek  programmer quotes.......{#lang_emotions_lol}

 

 

 

 

If at first you don´t succeed; call it version 1.0"

"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."

"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there´s Google."

"unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep" - my daily unix command list

"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." - Robert Firth

"If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise."

"The more I C, the less I see."


"To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password."

"After Perl everything else is just assembly language."

"If brute force doesn´t solve your problems, then you aren´t using enough."

"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."

"Unix is user-friendly. It´s just very selective about who its friends are."

"COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods."

“Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” — Michael Sinz

"There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don´t."

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - This is not humorous by itself; but in the context it´s a classic by Bill Gates in 1981

Microsoft: "You´ve got questions. We´ve got dancing paperclips."

"Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer." - Erik Naggum

"Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell."

"SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it."

"Windows95: It´s like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.

"People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song ´Start me up´ in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn´t use the line ´You´ll make a grown man cry´."

"I´m not anti-social; I´m just not user friendly"

"A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"

"The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2."

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila"

"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d"

"To go forward, you must backup."

"I would love to change the world, but they won´t give me the source code"

"A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting."

"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."

"Better to be a geek than an idiot."

"Windows isn´t a virus, viruses do something."

"Geek´s favorite pickup line: Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform? "

"Be nice to geeks when you´re in school, you might end-up working for one when you grow-up."

"Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail."

"Evolution is God´s way of issuing upgrades."

"The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back."

"It´s a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages."

"The box said ´Required Windows 95 or better´. So, I installed LINUX."

"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."

277.       Elisabeth
5732 posts
 20 Jan 2009 Tue 12:19 am

 

Quoting lady in red

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

 

 

 This is the TC creed!!{#lang_emotions_lol_fast}

278.       femmeous
2642 posts
 20 Jan 2009 Tue 11:33 am

 

Quoting Elisabeth

 This is the TC creed!!{#lang_emotions_lol_fast}

 

 yes lol especially the first part

279.       si++
3785 posts
 21 Jan 2009 Wed 04:45 am

     Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
     them decides to call 911:
      Blonde:   We need help. We´re three blondes changing
                a light bulb.
      Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
      Blonde:   Yes.
      Operator: The power in the house in on?
      Blonde:   Of course.
      Operator: And the switch is on?
      Blonde:   Yes, yes.
      Operator: And the bulb still won´t light up?
      Blonde:   No, it´s working fine.
      Operator: Then what´s the problem?
      Blonde:   We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
                we all fell and hurt ourselves.

280.       si++
3785 posts
 21 Jan 2009 Wed 04:48 am

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop.  His boss
comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you
handle it?  "The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss´s
positive comments he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She:  "How much for the black one?"
He:   "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She:  "I think I´ll take the black one.  I´ve never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
  A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
dildo?"
He:  "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He:  "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I´ll take the white one.  I´ve never had a white one
      before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
  About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are
your dildos?"
He:  "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He:  "Well, that´s a very special dildo...it´ll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I´ll take the plaid one, I´ve never
     had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
 Finally, the guy´s boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

281.       libralady
5152 posts
 22 Jan 2009 Thu 02:18 pm

 

Quoting si++

 Finally, the guy´s boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

 

 Great punch line!! {#lang_emotions_lol}

282.       lessluv
1052 posts
 24 Jan 2009 Sat 07:58 pm

How the fight started..........

My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was changing channels. She asked, ´What´s on the TV?´
I said, ´Dust.´ And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our next anniversary. She said, ´I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.´
I bought her a set of scales... And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station. And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver´s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ´Unbutton your shirt´. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ´That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me´ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ´You should have dropped your trousers. You might have received disability allowance too.´
And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ´Do you know her?´ ´Yes,´ I sighed, ´She´s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn´t been sober since.´
´My God!´ says my wife, ´who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?´
And then the fight started...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I´ll have the rib-eye steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren´t you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

---------------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ´I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.´ The husband replies, ´ Well your eyesight´s near perfect.´
And then the fight started.....

------------------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Stella for £14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream would.
And then the fight started....

--------------------------------------------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her bum look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started.....

---------------------------------------------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o´clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ´Holy crap. That must be my husband!´ So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ´I AM your husband!´
The woman yelled back, ´Yeah, then why were you running?´
And then the fight started.....

----------------------------------------------------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the trailer to the car, and proceeded to reverse out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife´s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ´The weather out there is terrible.´
My loving wife of 10 years replied, ´Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?´
And then the fight started ...

---------------------------------------------------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven´t been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that´s when the fight started.....

--------------------------------------------- - - -

My wife and I are watching ´Who Wants To Be A Millionaire´ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn´t even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I´d like to phone a friend." And that´s when the fight started....

--------------------------------------------------------------------

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn´t work, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the car, e-mail, golf, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
´When you finish cutting the grass,´ I said, ´you might as well sweep the driveway.´
And that´s when the fight started...

283.       libralady
5152 posts
 24 Jan 2009 Sat 09:02 pm

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ´Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?´
The father, surprised, answers, ´Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman´s boobs are like melons, round and firm. In
Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After
50, they are like onions´.

Onions?´

Yes, you see them and they make you cry.´

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ´Mom, how many kinds of ´willies´ are there?´
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ´Well dear, a man goes through
three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree´.

´A Christmas tree?´
Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.´

 

{#lang_emotions_satisfied_nod}

 

284.       Trudy
7887 posts
 24 Jan 2009 Sat 09:04 pm

 

Quoting libralady

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ´Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?´
The father, surprised, answers, ´Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman´s boobs are like melons, round and firm. In
Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After
50, they are like onions´.

Onions?´

Yes, you see them and they make you cry.´

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ´Mom, how many kinds of ´willies´ are there?´
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ´Well dear, a man goes through
three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree´.

´A Christmas tree?´
Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.´

 

{#lang_emotions_satisfied_nod}

 

 Why do I have the idea that some of our male friends don´t like this joke? lol lol

285.       lessluv
1052 posts
 24 Jan 2009 Sat 09:10 pm

 

Quoting Trudy

 Why do I have the idea that some of our male friends don´t like this joke? lol lol

 

 

only the ones in their 50´s who are the proud owners of christmas trees{#lang_emotions_lol}

286.       Trudy
7887 posts
 24 Jan 2009 Sat 09:18 pm

 

Quoting lessluv

only the ones in their 50´s who are the proud owners of christmas trees{#lang_emotions_lol}

 

 Also all others, foreseeing their future....

287.       libralady
5152 posts
 24 Jan 2009 Sat 09:18 pm

 

Quoting lessluv

only the ones in their 50´s who are the proud owners of christmas trees{#lang_emotions_lol}

 

 Heavens know what happens in their 60´s {#lang_emotions_lol}

288.       lessluv
1052 posts
 24 Jan 2009 Sat 09:29 pm

 

Quoting libralady

 Heavens know what happens in their 60´s {#lang_emotions_lol}

 

 TIIIIIIIIIIMBER{#lang_emotions_lol}

289.       tamikidakika
1346 posts
 24 Jan 2009 Sat 09:35 pm

 

Quoting libralady

 Heavens know what happens in their 60´s {#lang_emotions_lol}

 

prostate surgery!{#lang_emotions_scared}and everything comes to an end. my father`s nightmare...{#lang_emotions_lol_fast}

290.       libralady
5152 posts
 25 Jan 2009 Sun 06:26 pm

An ode to all those who want to get on in life {#lang_emotions_laugh_at}

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here´s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M

N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



And


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,


A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,


B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing
Will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While
 Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

291.       Trudy
7887 posts
 25 Jan 2009 Sun 06:38 pm

In my language ´hardwork´ gives me 107% but ´knowledge´ only 70%!!! (So, as long as I work it doesn´t matter I´m bond once in a while....?) lol

292.       Trudy
7887 posts
 25 Jan 2009 Sun 06:39 pm

 

Quoting Trudy

In my language ´hardwork´ gives me 107% but ´knowledge´ only 70%!!! (So, as long as I work it doesn´t matter I´m bond once in a while....?) lol

 

 Blond of course... (See, first evidence given....)

293.       kafesteki kush
104 posts
 25 Jan 2009 Sun 10:54 pm

 

Quoting Trudy

 Blond of course... (See, first evidence given....)

 

 I love the bond version{#lang_emotions_cool}

294.       kafesteki kush
104 posts
 25 Jan 2009 Sun 10:57 pm

There are at least SEVEN types of ORGASM of a Man:{#lang_emotions_ninja}
1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................
2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................
3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No....
4. The Traveler - Ahh, I´m coming, I´m coming..............
5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God........
6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More...............
7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you move, I´ll kill you....

295.       Trudy
7887 posts
 25 Jan 2009 Sun 11:09 pm

 

Quoting kafesteki kush

There are at least SEVEN types of ORGASM of a Man:{#lang_emotions_ninja}
1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................
2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................
3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No....
4. The Traveler - Ahh, I´m coming, I´m coming..............
5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God........
6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More...............
7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you move, I´ll kill you....

 

 Pity your gender is ´none´ - else I could have asked what type you are... lol lol

296.       kafesteki kush
104 posts
 25 Jan 2009 Sun 11:29 pm

 

Quoting Trudy

 Pity your gender is ´none´ - else I could have asked what type you are... lol lol

 

 Apron´s string attached.......

oh mother,........{#lang_emotions_angel}

297.       kafesteki kush
104 posts
 26 Jan 2009 Mon 07:10 pm

how to find  an ideal woman?4 tips

1.It is essential to find a woman who loves and can cook and her hobby is cleaning,dusting and ironing.

2.It is important to find a woman who earns well and can provide a man with money

3.It is vital to find a woman who can fullfil  all your secretive dreams and desires

4.BUT the prior is that these three women do not know each other{#lang_emotions_cool}

298.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 26 Jan 2009 Mon 07:41 pm

 

Quoting kafesteki kush

how to find  an ideal woman?4 tips

1.It is essential to find a woman who loves and can cook and her hobby is cleaning,dusting and ironing.

2.It is important to find a woman who earns well and can provide a man with money

3.It is vital to find a woman who can fullfil  all your secretive dreams and desires

4.BUT the prior is that these three women do not know each other{#lang_emotions_cool}

 

Why do we need to find ONE woman only? 

299.       kafesteki kush
104 posts
 26 Jan 2009 Mon 07:46 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

Why do we need to find ONE woman only? 

 

 who said that?Did you get the joke???{#lang_emotions_unsure}

300.       lady in red
6947 posts
 26 Jan 2009 Mon 08:12 pm

 

Quoting kafesteki kush

 who said that?Did you get the joke???{#lang_emotions_unsure}

 

 Yes H - please read the posts properly before responding!!  lol lol

301.       Trudy
7887 posts
 26 Jan 2009 Mon 08:16 pm

 

Quoting lady in red

 Yes H - please read the posts properly before responding!!  lol lol

 

 He couldn´t, totally flabbergasted by the idea of three women..... lol lol

302.       kafesteki kush
104 posts
 28 Jan 2009 Wed 02:18 pm

{#lang_emotions_wink}

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie.”  Looking around he noticed the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the
bar. A few sips later the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.”  At this, the man called the bartender over.  “Hey, I must be losing my mind,” he told him.
“I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me.  It’s the peanuts…they’re complimentary.”

303.       Trudy
7887 posts
 28 Jan 2009 Wed 08:40 pm

POST-GRADUATE COURSE FOR WOMEN AT CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY


Unfortunately all courses below are cancelled. (There were no candidates that needed them.)


 


1st year - 1st semester


Language 1: Are you ready to go? Definition of the word ‘yes’. .


Reading a map: Logic before intuition.


Driving 1: You can, using automatic gear.


Driving 2: The meaning of little flickering red lights.


Honour & obey: The tiny letters of ‘I promise…’


Why your mother is not welcome.


Classical clothing: wearing things you’ve worn before.


Etiquette 1: Men do need space in the bath room.


Communication skills 1: Tears, the last solution, not the first.


Unknown possibilities of banking: Make a deposit


 


2nd semester


Language 2: Rhetorical questions (Used to be: ‘Honey, am I too fat?)


Practice: Shopping in less than 4 hours.


Etiquette 2: His razor is really his!


Remote control: Only for men.


Communication skills 2: Think before speaking.


Driving 3: Remaining a constant speed: is that possible?


Football: No game but a religion.


Cooking 1: The comeback of bacon & eggs.


Silence: The ultimate place no woman has ever been.


Practice: You can buy condoms as well.


Putting the toilet seat down yourself.


 


2nd year - 1st semester


Calling and remaining order.


Language 3: Telephone calls.


Driving 4: Make-up and driving is as water and fire!


The limits of make-up.


Cooking 2: Soy sprouts and corn salad are not meant for human consumption.


Communication skills: Getting what you want without whining.


Men-management: Domestic duties can wait until after the match.


Driving 5: Introduction to parking.


The penis: His best friend can become your best friend.


Oil and gasoline: Your car need both.


The 7-outfits-week: It does not need to be new to be good.


 


2nd semester


Higher maths: How to use the video.


Menstruation: Your problem, not his.


Dancing: Why men do not like it.


Communication skills: Ending a Telephone call.


Dust: A painless natural phenomenon only women can see.


Language 4: Clean and dirty: the nuance of ‘bearable’.


Not everything is what it seems: Why credit cards are no toys.


Your husband: A male chauvinistic pig or a vulnerable victim of youth trauma’s that is surviving by letting the prehistoric man inside himself free?

304.       kafesteki kush
104 posts
 28 Jan 2009 Wed 10:43 pm

a crash course 4 women

Women´s Training Courses

Long awaited training courses are now finally available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don´t Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

305.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 29 Jan 2009 Thu 02:26 am

This is an actual letter sent to the then DFAT Minster, The Hon Alexander Downer and the then Immigration, The Hon Minister Amanda Vanstone. The Government tried in desperation to censure the author, but to no avail.

A happy Federal government customer.

 

 

Dear Mr. Minister,

 

I´m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

 

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I´ve filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver´s license, on the last eight passports I´ve ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I´ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I´ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.

 

Also..would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother´s name is Audrey, my Father´s name is Jack, and I´d be absolutely f*** astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

S**T!

 

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I´m really pissed off this morning. Between you an´ me, I´ve had enough of all this bulls**t! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*** address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin´ there!

 

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can´t even grow a beard for God´s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a s**t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I´d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ´cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another f*** copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

 

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that´d be too f*** easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f*** heads cut off, and then having to find some high society wanker to confirm that it´s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo..the one where we´re not allowed to smile?! ...you f*** morons

 

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

 

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it´s me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850!
In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances.
I´m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone ´important´ to verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F*** PAKISTAN!!!......a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the ´right sort of government.´

You are all F*** idiots

306.       kafesteki kush
104 posts
 29 Jan 2009 Thu 11:31 pm

The nun is running religion class at primary school

she is asking

well,kids..let´s play the guessing game

it is red,has long tail,jumps over the tree branches and eats nuts

Johnny is raising his hand

´ for 99% it is a squirrel but as far as I know you sister,than can be Jesus{#lang_emotions_unsure}

 

 

307.       lessluv
1052 posts
 06 Feb 2009 Fri 02:14 am

Peter invites his Mum for tea. She notices his flat mate Joe is very handsome and slightly camp and although she suspected Peter´s gay he denies that anything is going on and says that they are only flat mates. A week later Joe says to Peter, "Ever since your mam came to tea, I can´t find the frying pan." Peter emails his Mum & says.
"Dear Mum, I´m not saying that you DID take the frying pan, and I´m not saying you DID NOT take the frying pan, but, its been missing ever since u came 4 tea. Love Peter". His Mum replies. "Dear son, I´m not saying u DO sleep with Joe and I´m not saying u DO NOT sleep with Joe, but, if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the frying pan by now. Love Mum"

{#lang_emotions_smile}

308.       adana
416 posts
 08 Feb 2009 Sun 12:53 am

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.

Life is good.

 

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called ‘Cowkimon’ and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

An ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch and forget about the cows

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre. Then midway
through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply. When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister with all the shit around him.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

 

 

 

 

309.       lessluv
1052 posts
 16 Feb 2009 Mon 02:06 am

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don´t do that. There´s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren´t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don´t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

310.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 05:16 pm

How RUSSIA will take over the world!

+ 20 C - Greeks put on sweaters (if they can find them)
+ 15 C - Hawaiians turn on the heaters (if they have them)
+ 10 C - Americans shake, Russians are planting cucumbers.
+ 5 C - You can see your own breathing. Italian cars don´t start. Norwegians take a bath. Russians drive with lowered windows.
0 C - Water freezes in America, in Russia it thickens.
- 5 C - French cars don´t start.
- 10 C - You´re planning a vacation to Australia.
- 15 C - Your cat insists to sleep in your bed. Norwegians put on sweaters.
- 18 C - New York landlords turn on the heaters. Russians make their last seasonal picnic.
- 20 C - American cars don´t start. People in Alaska start wearing long-sleeves.
- 25 C - German cars don´t start. Hawaiians are dead.
- 30 C - Politicians start talking about homeless people. Your cat prefers to sleep in your pajamas.
- 35 C - Too cold to think. Japanese cars don´t start.
- 40 C - You´re planning a 2-week hot tub bath. Swedish cars don´t start.
- 42 C - Transportation stops in Europe. Russians eat ice cream on the street.
- 45 C - All Greeks are dead. Policians really start doing something for the homeless.
- 50 C - Your eyelids start sticking when you blink. In Alaska, people close the window in the bathroom.
- 60 C - White bears start moving south.
- 70 C - The hell froze.
- 73 C - Finnish special services evacuate Santa Claus from Lapland. Russians wear earmuff hats.
- 80 C - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-114 C - Ethyl alcohol is freezing. Russians are unhappy.
-273 C - Absolute zero, atomic movement stops. Russians wear boots.
-295 C - 90% of the planet is dead. Russian soccer team becomes the world champion.

311.       Melek74
1506 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 06:01 pm

 

Quoting Daydreamer

Too funny. lol

 

Poland should import some Kononowicz sweaters to help the Greek and Norwegians.

 

 



Edited (2/17/2009) by Melek74
Edited (2/17/2009) by Melek74

312.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 06:31 pm

 

Quoting Melek74

 

Too funny. lol

 

Poland should import some Kononowicz sweaters to help the Greek and Norwegians.

 

 

You must have immigrated to that evil USA too long to remember that the official name of those sweaters is...Turkish Sweaters lol

 

313.       Melek74
1506 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 06:52 pm

 

Quoting Daydreamer

 

You must have immigrated to that evil USA too long to remember that the official name of those sweaters is...Turkish Sweaters lol

 

 

OMG, are you for real? lol I had no idea.

314.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 07:28 pm

 

Quoting Melek74

 

 

OMG, are you for real? lol I had no idea.

 

Absolutely, the name originated from the times of deep communism when Poles would go to Turkey to do illegal busines buying such sweaters, cheap leather and fake perfumes lol Oh, and Halva

315.       tamikidakika
1346 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 07:33 pm

 

Quoting Daydreamer

 

 

Absolutely, the name originated from the times of deep communism when Poles would go to Turkey to do illegal busines buying such sweaters, cheap leather and fake perfumes lol Oh, and Halva

 

just a side note: those Poles would do some other kinds of illegal things too in Turkey.

 

 

you want to tell melek about that too, dd?{#lang_emotions_lol_fast}

 



Edited (2/17/2009) by tamikidakika

316.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 07:38 pm

 

Quoting tamikidakika

 

 

just a side note: those Poles would do some other kinds of illegal things too in Turkey.

 

 

you want to tell melek about that too, dd?{#lang_emotions_lol_fast}

 

 

ahm like what? Enlighten us please

317.       tamikidakika
1346 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 07:40 pm

 

Quoting Daydreamer

 

 

ahm like what? Enlighten us please

 

 

ehehehe, prostitution for example.

 

318.       libralady
5152 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 07:45 pm

 

Quoting tamikidakika

 

 

 

ehehehe, prostitution for example.

 

 

 Is there any nationality you have missed out in your mission to ensure we all realise that Turkey is a supreme nation for which you are going to receive the highest honour of Turkishnesssssssssssssssssss - a putty medal {#lang_emotions_laugh_at}

319.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 07:47 pm

 

Quoting tamikidakika

 

 

 

ehehehe, prostitution for example.

 

 

aww that lol

Apparently they did a good job training DUDUS who prostitute with evil Brits now lol

320.       tamikidakika
1346 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 07:50 pm

 

Quoting Daydreamer

 

 

aww that lol

Apparently they did a good job training DUDUS who prostitute with evil Brits now lol

 

yes we are proud of our dudus. that`s how we ......  those evil Brits.{#lang_emotions_satisfied_nod}

321.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 07:55 pm

 

Quoting tamikidakika

 

 

yes we are proud of our dudus. that`s how we ......  those evil Brits.{#lang_emotions_satisfied_nod}

 

lol lol lol

(I just hope the global crisis will not jeopardise the trade)

322.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 08:07 pm

 

Quoting tamikidakika

 

 

yes we are proud of our dudus. that`s how we ......  those evil Brits.{#lang_emotions_satisfied_nod}

 

am I misunderstanding here about those ´.....´ ?

323.       tamikidakika
1346 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 08:09 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

 

 

am I misunderstanding here about those ´.....´ ?

 

that stands for "kiss". I don`t even want to hear what you thought it was.{#lang_emotions_scared}{#lang_emotions_satisfied_nod}

324.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 08:26 pm

 

Quoting tamikidakika

 

 

that stands for "kiss". I don`t even want to hear what you thought it was.{#lang_emotions_scared}{#lang_emotions_satisfied_nod}

 

OHA yani..

I am sure you would not mind someone sends the same ´....´ to you either.. (I am sure you would not want to hear what I mean in this case..)

A bit of manner ya..



Edited (2/17/2009) by thehandsom

325.       lady in red
6947 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 09:13 pm

 

Quoting Daydreamer

 

 

aww that lol

Apparently they did a good job training DUDUS who prostitute with evil PSYCHOTIC MAD BAD Brits now lol

 

 lol lol  - Poland - dix pointes; Turkey - nil pointes!  (Brits - probably about minus cinq!  {#lang_emotions_laugh_at}  )

 

 

!

326.       Trudy
7887 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 09:18 pm

 

Quoting lady in red

 

 

 lol lol  - Poland - dix pointes; Turkey - nil pointes!  (Brits - probably about minus cinq!  {#lang_emotions_laugh_at}  )

 

 

!

 

 Oh you poor Brits, minus cinq pointes? Need a shoulder to cry on?

327.       TheAenigma
5001 posts
 17 Feb 2009 Tue 09:48 pm

 

Quoting tamikidakika

 

 

yes we are proud of our dudus. that`s how we ......  those evil Brits.{#lang_emotions_satisfied_nod}

 

Proud of your slimy male prositututes? {#lang_emotions_confused}

 

328.       tamikidakika
1346 posts
 18 Feb 2009 Wed 01:20 am

 

Quoting TheAenigma

 

 

Proud of your slimy male prositututes? {#lang_emotions_confused}

 

 

if they are slimy, why are all the english females after them? are they that desperate?{#lang_emotions_razz}

329.       lessluv
1052 posts
 18 Feb 2009 Wed 01:31 am

 

Quoting tamikidakika

 

 

if they are slimy, why are all the english females after them? are they that desperate?{#lang_emotions_razz}

 

 how can they resist.......

330.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 18 Feb 2009 Wed 01:40 am

 

Quoting tamikidakika

 

 

if they are slimy, why are all the english females after them? are they that desperate?{#lang_emotions_razz}

 

I think only desperate people pay for something that soooooo easy to get for free {#lang_emotions_unsure}

331.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 18 Feb 2009 Wed 01:45 am

 

Quoting Daydreamer

 

 

I think only desperate people pay for something that soooooo easy to get for free {#lang_emotions_unsure}

 

Do you remember that programme?

http://www.channel4.com/health/microsites/M/manhunters/turkish-toyboys.html

well..Those women in that programme, seemed so desperate and the boys seemed very slimy ...

332.       libralady
5152 posts
 18 Feb 2009 Wed 08:21 am

 

Quoting thehandsom

 

 

Do you remember that programme?

http://www.channel4.com/health/microsites/M/manhunters/turkish-toyboys.html

well..Those women in that programme, seemed so desperate and the boys seemed very slimy ...

 

 How could we ever forget............. {#lang_emotions_puking}

333.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 06 Mar 2009 Fri 07:15 pm

What does a programmer say to his wife after a fight?

a href="to the kitchen"

 

What does an IT guy has on his tombstone?

- "John_Doe.zip"

 

Two admins are talking:

a: A friend of mine has damaged the main server in 5 minutes

b: Is he a hacker?

a: Nah, a moron

 

lol

334.       bod
5999 posts
 06 Mar 2009 Fri 07:22 pm

 

Quoting Daydreamer

What does a programmer say to his wife after a fight?

a href="to the kitchen"

 

 

But that requires him to oblige her with a click.

Surely it should be:

 

onLoad="wife.location.href=´the kitchen´;

 

Or a better solution:

 

Content-type: text/html

Content-location: the_kitchen

Cache-control: no-cache

 

 

 



Edited (3/6/2009) by bod

335.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 06 Mar 2009 Fri 07:38 pm

 

Quoting bod

 

 

But that requires him to oblige her with a click.

Surely it should be:

 

onLoad="wife.location.href=´the kitchen´;

 

Or a better solution:

 

Content-type: text/html

Content-location: the_kitchen

Cache-control: no-cache

 

 

 

 

Oi! That was supposed to be a joke not something to elaborate on! Them bloody nerds never allow tiniest mistakes for the sake of the joke {#lang_emotions_rant}

 

or

 

Content-type: text/html

Content-location: the_TC.lounge

Cache-control: no-cache

 

336.       bod
5999 posts
 06 Mar 2009 Fri 08:24 pm

 

Quoting Daydreamer

 

 

Content-type: text/html

Content-location: the_TC.lounge

Cache-control: no-cache

 

 

Why would we want HTML in the TC Lounge???

 

Content-type: mime/x-bartender

Accept-language: en

Accept-language: tk

Host: turkishclass.com:80

Set-cookie: choc=chip; path=/

Content-location: the_TC.lounge

 

337.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 06 Mar 2009 Fri 08:38 pm

 

Quoting bod

 

 

But that requires him to oblige her with a click.

Surely it should be:

 

onLoad="wife.location.href=´the kitchen´;

 

Or a better solution:

 

Content-type: text/html

Content-location: the_kitchen

Cache-control: no-cache

 

 

 

 

This is a huge no from me bod because I hate javascript

338.       bod
5999 posts
 06 Mar 2009 Fri 10:06 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

 

 

This is a huge no from me bod because I hate javascript

 

That is why I gave you a server side HTTP header solution as a better option

339.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 06 Mar 2009 Fri 10:22 pm

 

Quoting bod

 

 

That is why I gave you a server side HTTP header solution as a better option

 

he he

Today I was trying to write this programme which is a thread itself and wakes up every minute and does something.

I wanted it to do something extra just after every night (after 24:0. First I thought I could get away with a simple method but I have changed my mind later on as the lines of programme started to pile up (which I hate).

 

Now I have a new object called MidnightCowboy

 

 MidnightCowboy{

 

public void getUp(){}

 

public void findTheBest(){

//finds something from db for me

}

public void dealWithIT(){

//deals with the work

}

public boolean howWasIT(){

//returns true if it has been  successful

 

 

}

 

340.       bod
5999 posts
 11 Mar 2009 Wed 05:45 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

 

 

he he

Today I was trying to write this programme which is a thread itself and wakes up every minute and does something.

I wanted it to do something extra just after every night (after 24:0. First I thought I could get away with a simple method but I have changed my mind later on as the lines of programme started to pile up (which I hate).

 

Now I have a new object called MidnightCowboy

 

 MidnightCowboy{

 

public void getUp(){}

 

public void findTheBest(){

//finds something from db for me

}

public void dealWithIT(){

//deals with the work

}

public boolean howWasIT(){

//returns true if it has been  successful

 

 

}

 

 

 

If it is going to happen in the middle of the night - make sure you use a protected class lol

341.       portokal
2516 posts
 12 Mar 2009 Thu 12:26 am

OUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
 Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
 Do not walk beside me, either.
 Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It´s always darkest before dawn. So if you´re going to steal your neighbor´s newspaper, that´s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It´s not important unless you aren´t getting any.
5. Don´t be irreplaceable. If you can´t be replaced, you can´t be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you´re unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
 That way, when you criticize them, you´re a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
 and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don´t squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don´t have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don´t park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don´t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, & a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double yr money is to fold it in half & put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light & a dark side,& it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren´t learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don´t get until just after you need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
30. We are born naked, wet, hungry,& get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.

 

342.       portokal
2516 posts
 12 Mar 2009 Thu 12:28 am

Dear Bandleader:

We look forward to your performance at our daughter´s wedding. If you don´t mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite songs. If you could play these at some point during the reception, we´d be grateful:

Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange it for full ensemble and nothing in 4/4 please.

Mahavishnu Orchestra, "Dance of the Maya" and please have the guitarist play John Mclaughlin´s solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we particularly liked his use of polyrhythms. If you find it too difficult you can leave out the feedback.

Any of John Coltrane´s duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of atonality is not everyone´s cup of tea, but all our guests love high register tenor saxes.

We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. We particularly like "The Rite of Spring." If you want to use the sheet music it´s OK. We like a tempo of about 1/4 note = 93.

Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa´s "The Grand Wazoo." If you want to play it in the original key of B flat, that would be fine. And my cousin Jeannie would like to sing the baritone sax solo, though you may have to play that part in another key--she has kind of a high voice.

When my new son-in-law takes off the garter, could you play just a little of Varese´s "Ionization." It´s such a funny piece, we think it would go over real well. Much better than "The Stripper."

And for the bride & groom´s first dance, please slow things down a bit by doing Barber´s "Adagio For Strings." It´s so much better than "We´ve Only Just Begun" or the "Anniversary Waltz."

When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you please segue to Thelonius Monk´s "Ruby, My Dear" - it´s in honor of my wife´s grandmother whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family.

Thanks very much for all your help. We´ll certainly be happy to recommend your band to all our friends.

By the way, the gig pays $250 for the group, and before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a sandwich and a soda.

343.       portokal
2516 posts
 12 Mar 2009 Thu 12:32 am

Can you imagine working at the following Company?
It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is?

It´s the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line...

344.       bod
5999 posts
 12 Mar 2009 Thu 01:23 am

 

Quoting portokal

It´s the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line...

 

I´m sure it is much the same in nearly every country´s administration.......

345.       portokal
2516 posts
 12 Mar 2009 Thu 01:46 am

 

Quoting bod

 

 

I´m sure it is much the same in nearly every country´s administration.......

 

agreed... I, for example know a country where the number of those comitting fraud would be overwhelming in a statistics like this...

And I am also sure that most of us would not want to work for such a company...

346.       alameda
3499 posts
 12 Mar 2009 Thu 01:54 am

 

Quoting portokal

Can you imagine working at the following Company?
It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

It´s the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line...

 

 Portokal, I´m curious just how up to date this is and from where you got this information?

347.       portokal
2516 posts
 12 Mar 2009 Thu 02:01 am

 

Quoting alameda

 

 

 Portokal, I´m curious just how up to date this is and from where you got this information?

 

lol

 

It is from a joke site,

unfortunaely I did not keep the address.

I am convinced it isnot  up to date, maybe not 100% accurate.

Yet, this is a great idea for a detailed, exact research...



Edited (3/12/2009) by portokal [using past tense II form while negating with auxiliary, to do-I confessed]

348.       bod
5999 posts
 12 Mar 2009 Thu 02:49 am

 

Quoting portokal

 

 

It is from a joke site,

unfortunaely I did not keep the address.

 

 Here perhaps???

349.       portokal
2516 posts
 12 Mar 2009 Thu 03:55 pm

 

Quoting bod

 

 

 Here perhaps???

 

Yup, that was the site!!!



Edited (3/12/2009) by portokal [(none)]

350.       sheena
308 posts
 13 Mar 2009 Fri 05:13 pm

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
> Dear Tech support,
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
> In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
> Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I´ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
> What can I do?
>
> Signed, Desperate

 


>
> DEAR DESPERATE,
> First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
> Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don´t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
> But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
> Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
> Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
> In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
> Good Luck,
>
> Tech Support
>

{#lang_emotions_bigsmile}

351.       TheAenigma
5001 posts
 13 Mar 2009 Fri 05:32 pm

 

Quoting sheena

INSTALLING A HUSBAND >

{#lang_emotions_bigsmile}

 

 Hahaha love it   Especially the mother-in-law virus

352.       lessluv
1052 posts
 23 Mar 2009 Mon 01:27 am

Husband Is At Home Watching A
Football Match When His Wife Interrupts,

´honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
It´s Been Flickering For Weeks Now.´

He Looks At Her And Says Angrily,
´fix The Lights Now? Does It Look Like I Have ´powergen´ Written On My Forehead?
I Don´t Think So!´

´fine!´

Then The Wife Asks,
´well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
It Won´t Close Right´

To Which He Replied,
´fix The Fridge Door?
Does It Look Like I Have ´fridgidaire´
Written On My Forehead?
I Don´t Think So!´

´fine!´ She Says
´then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
To The Front Door? They Are About To Break´

´i´m Not A Carpenter And I Don´t
Want To Fix Steps´, He Says, ´does It Look Like I Have ´taylor Woodrow´
Written On My Forehead?
I Don´t Think So! I´ve Had Enough Of This, I´m Going To The Pub!!!!´

So He Goes To The Pub And Drinks For A
Couple Of Hours................

He Starts To Feel Guilty About How
He Treated His Wife, And Decides
To Go Home

As He Walks Into The House He Notices
That The Steps Are Already Fixed.

As He Enters The House , He Sees The
Hall Light Is Working

As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
The Fridge Door Is Fixed.

Honey, He Asks, ´how´d All This Get Fixed?´
She Said, ´well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried. Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I
Told Him.
He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.´

He Said,
´so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?´

She Replied, ´hellooooo..,

Do You See ´mr Kipling´ Written On My Forehead? I
Don´t Think So!´

 Perfecto 






353.       lessluv
1052 posts
 24 Mar 2009 Tue 05:51 am

Actual
call centre conversations
!!!!!


Customer:
"I´ve been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and
can´t get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator:
"Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the
Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are
our opening hours".

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung
Electronics

Caller: "Can you give
me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator:
"I´m sorry, sir, I don´t understand who you are
talking about".
Caller:
"On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC
wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now,
can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator:
"I think you mean the telephone point on the
wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC
Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your
European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in
Australia ?"
Operator: "Doesn´t the
product name give you a clue?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring
about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

"If I register my car in France , do I have to change
the steering wheel to the other side of the
car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory
Enquiries

Caller:
"I´d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff
please".
Operator:
"I´m sorry, there´s no listing. Is the spelling
correct?"
Caller:
"Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish
Bar but the ´B´ fell off".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then
there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in
Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are
you sure?"
Caller:
"Yes. That´s what it says on the label; Woven in
Scotland ".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On
another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a
phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven´t got a pen,
so I´m steaming up the window to write the number on".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech
Support: "I need you to right-click on
the Open Desktop".
Customer:
"OK".
Tech Support:
"Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer:
"No".
Tech Support:
"OK.. Right-Click again. Do you see a
pop-up menu?"
Customer:
"No".
Tech Support:
"OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?".
Customer:
"Sure. You told me to write ´click´ and I wrote
´click´".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In
the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the
´OK´ button displayed?"
Customer:
"Wow. How can you see my
screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller:
"I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two
weeks will I have my file back
again?".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------

There´s
always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in
a long time.. I think this guy should have been promoted,
not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect
Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring
the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk
employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):


Operator: "Ridge Hall,
computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:
"Yes, well, I´m
having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator:
"What sort of trouble??"
Caller:
"Well, I was
just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller:
"They disappeared."
Operator:
"Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller:
"Nothing."
Operator:
"Nothing??"
Caller:
"It´s blank; it won´t accept anything when I
type."
Operator: "Are you
still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:
"How do I
tell?"
Operator: "Can you
see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller:
"What´s a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can
you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:
"There isn´t any
cursor: I told you, it won´t accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor
have a power indicator??"
Caller:
"What´s a monitor?"
Operator:
"It´s the thing with the screen
on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that
tells you when it´s on??"
Caller:
"I don´t know."
Operator:
"Well, then look on the
back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into
it. Can you see that??"
Caller:
"Yes, I think so."
Operator:
"Great. Follow the cord to the
plug, and tell me if it´s plugged into the wall.
Caller:
"Yes, it
is."
Operator: "When you were
behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller:
"No."
Operator: "Well,
there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable.."
Caller:
"Okay, here it is."
Operator:
"Follow it for me, and tell me if
it´s plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller:
"I can´t reach."
Operator:
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:

"No."
Operator: "Even
if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller:
"Oh, it´s not because I don´t have the right angle - it´s
because it´s dark."
Operator:
"Dark??"
Caller:
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only
light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: "Well,
turn on the office light then."
Caller:
"I can´t."
Operator:
"No? Why not??"
Caller:
"Because
there´s a power failure."

Operator: "A
power.......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we´ve got it
licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller:
"Well, yes, I keep
them in the closet."
Operator:
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and
pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it
back to the store you bought it from."
Caller:
"Really? Is
it that bad?"
Operator:
"Yes, I´m afraid it is."
Caller:
"Well, all
right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator:
"Tell them you´re
too stupid to own a
computer!!!!!"

354.       Trudy
7887 posts
 24 Mar 2009 Tue 09:43 pm

Top 20 British holiday complaints...

AMSTERDAM – Holiday goers went to their British travel agency with the most weirdest complaints. What do you think of the next? The Daily Telegraph made a Top 20.

1. A man saw a very clearly exited elephant near a water pool. His honey moon was ruined because he felt ‘so jealous’.

2. A woman threatened to call the police because she said the hotel staff locked her up in her room. The truth is that she thought the ‘Do not disturb sign’ was an order not to leave her room.

3. ‘The beach was too sandy….´

4. A guest in an Australian hotel complained the soup was too strong and too thick. He drank by accident the gravy….

5. ‘Topless sun bathing should be forbidden on the beach, my holiday is ruined because my husband was staring all day to other women.´

6. ‘We bought a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses at a street stall for five euro. It turned out to be fake....’

7. ‘No-one told us there are fish in the sea. Our children were shocked.´

8. ‘Our flight from Jamaica to England took over nine hours, while the Americans were only three on the plane.´

9. ‘My fiancé and I booked a room with two separate beds but we have got a double room. I’m holding you responsible for me now being pregnant.



10. ‘According to the 3-room apartment of our friends our 1-room apartment was much smaller..´

11. ‘The brochure said: No hairdressers at the location. We are trainee hairdressers. Are we allowed to go there?´

12. About a holiday in Spain: There are no many Spanish people, the receptionist speaks Spanish, the food is Spanish and there are too many foreigners.´

13. ‘The beach was not like showed in the brochure. In the brochure it is yellow, in reality it is white.´

14. ‘We need to stand in line outside, without air-conditioning.´

15. ‘You as a tour operator have to tell us up front about noisy hotel guests.´

16. ‘I got bitten by mosquitoes. No one told me they would do that.´

17. ‘You should announce in the brochure that the local store does not sell delicious cookies.´

18. ‘It is only laziness from shop owners to close their shop in the afternoon. During siesta I need often things, they should forbid it!´

19. ‘Almost every restaurant I visited during my trip to Goa (India) had, to my disgust, curry on the menu. I don’t like spicy food at all.´

20. ‘We booked an excursion to a water park. But no one told us we need to bring bathing suits and towels.´

Source: http://www.telegraaf.nl/buitenland/



Edited (3/24/2009) by Trudy [Got corrected by my favourite English teacher.... ;)]

355.       lessluv
1052 posts
 24 Mar 2009 Tue 10:32 pm

Quote:The lovely Trudy 

9. ‘My fiancé and I booked a room with two separate beds but we have got a double room. I’m holding you responsible for me now being pregnant.

{#emotions_dlg.lol}

356.       libralady
5152 posts
 25 Mar 2009 Wed 12:26 am

 

Quoting Trudy

Top 20 British holiday complaints...

AMSTERDAM – Holiday goers went to their British travel agency with the most weirdest complaints. What do you think of the next? The Daily Telegraph made a Top 20.

1. A man saw a very clearly exited elephant near a water pool. His honey moon was ruined because he felt ‘so jealous’.

2. A woman threatened to call the police because she said the hotel staff locked her up in her room. The truth is that she thought the ‘Do not disturb sign’ was an order not to leave her room.

3. ‘The beach was too sandy….´

4. A guest in an Australian hotel complained the soup was too strong and too thick. He drank by accident the gravy….

5. ‘Topless sun bathing should be forbidden on the beach, my holiday is ruined because my husband was staring all day to other women.´

6. ‘We bought a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses at a street stall for five euro. It turned out to be fake....’

7. ‘No-one told us there are fish in the sea. Our children were shocked.´

8. ‘Our flight from Jamaica to England took over nine hours, while the Americans were only three on the plane.´

9. ‘My fiancé and I booked a room with two separate beds but we have got a double room. I’m holding you responsible for me now being pregnant.


10. ‘According to the 3-room apartment of our friends our 1-room apartment was much smaller..´

11. ‘The brochure said: No hairdressers at the location. We are trainee hairdressers. Are we allowed to go there?´

12. About a holiday in Spain: There are no many Spanish people, the receptionist speaks Spanish, the food is Spanish and there are too many foreigners.´

13. ‘The beach was not like showed in the brochure. In the brochure it is yellow, in reality it is white.´

14. ‘We need to stand in line outside, without air-conditioning.´

15. ‘You as a tour operator have to tell us up front about noisy hotel guests.´

16. ‘I got bitten by mosquitoes. No one told me they would do that.´

17. ‘You should announce in the brochure that the local store does not sell delicious cookies.´

18. ‘It is only laziness from shop owners to close their shop in the afternoon. During siesta I need often things, they should forbid it!´

19. ‘Almost every restaurant I visited during my trip to Goa (India) had, to my disgust, curry on the menu. I don’t like spicy food at all.´

20. ‘We booked an excursion to a water park. But no one told us we need to bring bathing suits and towels.´

Source: http://www.telegraaf.nl/buitenland/

 

 The British and Dutch are so closely aligned with their holiday dislikes - miserable lotBig smile

357.       Trudy
7887 posts
 25 Mar 2009 Wed 07:39 am

 

Quoting libralady

  The British and Dutch are so closely aligned with their holiday dislikes - miserable lotBig smile

 

 Hmmm, do I sense some hurt British pride here? lol lol

358.       libralady
5152 posts
 25 Mar 2009 Wed 01:07 pm

 

Quoting Trudy

 

 

 Hmmm, do I sense some hurt British pride here? lol lol

 

 Not mine!  But it is true, the British moan about the same things when the go on holiday Confused 

359.       TheAenigma
5001 posts
 25 Mar 2009 Wed 01:25 pm

 

Quoting libralady

 

 

 Not mine!  But it is true, the British moan about the same things when the go on holiday Confused 

 

 But the post WAS about Brits

And I agree - I am ashamed of Brits on holiday - drunk, moaning about wanting chips instead of local food, no attempts to learn the language....yuck!



Edited (3/25/2009) by TheAenigma

360.       libralady
5152 posts
 25 Mar 2009 Wed 02:10 pm

 

Quoting TheAenigma

 

 

 But the post WAS about Brits

And I agree - I am ashamed of Brits on holiday - drunk, moaning about wanting chips instead of local food, no attempts to learn the language....yuck!

 

 Oh so it was!  hahaha........ I saw Amsterdam and thought it must have been Dutch as well You crazy? 



Edited (3/25/2009) by libralady [curled up under desk with embarrassment ...........]

361.       TheAenigma
5001 posts
 25 Mar 2009 Wed 02:18 pm

 

Quoting libralady

 

 

 Oh so it was!  hahaha........ I saw Amsterdam and thought it must have been Dutch as well You crazy? 

 

 Heheh - well I don´t think any other nationalities are much different when travelling either - maybe we are just the best at laughing at our faults eh?

362.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 27 Mar 2009 Fri 02:21 am

SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people´s heads pop up over the walls to see what´s going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate.

AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ´black box´.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you´ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you´ve hit ´reply all´.


GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The ´no-stars´ comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there´s actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: ´Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!´.

MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you´re in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she´s got 4 buttocks

363.       lessluv
1052 posts
 14 Apr 2009 Tue 01:43 am

Especially for the Scarlet One!!Razz

 

An old lady visits the dentist, sits on the chair, lowers her knickers and lifts her legs in the air. The dentist says that he´s not a gynocologist. She says "I know, I want you to take my husbands teeth out!"

 

 

364.       lady in red
6947 posts
 14 Apr 2009 Tue 03:22 pm

 

Quoting lessluv

Especially for the Scarlet One!!Razz

 

An old lady visits the dentist, sits on the chair, lowers her knickers and lifts her legs in the air. The dentist says that he´s not a gynocologist. She says "I know, I want you to take my husbands teeth out!"

 

 

 

Lesley! - could you please make it clear that this joke was for me (to amuse me!) and not about me - your comment is a bit ambigiuous!  You smartass!

 

(and reclaiming your position as Chief Sapýk since cynic ´left´ I´m pleased to see!!  lol )

 

 

365.       lessluv
1052 posts
 15 Apr 2009 Wed 11:12 pm

 

Quoting lady in red

 

 

Lesley! - could you please make it clear that this joke was for me (to amuse me!) and not about me - your comment is a bit ambigiuous!  You smartass!

 

(and reclaiming your position as Chief Sapýk since cynic ´left´ I´m pleased to see!!  lol )

 

 

 ok this was a joke about for LIR.... no gynecologists or dentists were injured in the making of this jokeBig smile

 

366.       lessluv
1052 posts
 16 Apr 2009 Thu 08:19 am

A doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most
of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring in a
list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes
grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control.
´Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?´
´Yes, they help me sleep at night.´

´Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING
in these that could possibly help you sleep!´
She reached out and patted the young Doctor´s knee.

´Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind
one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my
16 year old granddaughter drinks. And believe
me, it helps me sleep at night.´


Wink

367.       lessluv
1052 posts
 16 Apr 2009 Thu 05:22 pm

The doctor said, ´Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.´

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men´s clothing store and thought, ´That´s what I need... A new suit.´

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ´I´d like a new suit..´

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, ´Let´s see... size 44 long.´

Joe laughed, ´That´s right, how did you know?´

´Been in the business 60 years!´ the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit
it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ´How about a new shirt?´

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ´Sure.´

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ´Let´s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.´

Joe was surprised, ´That´s right, how did you know?´

´Been in the business 60 years.´

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ´How about some new underwear?´

Joe thought for a moment and said, ´Sure.´

The salesman said, ´Let´s see..... size 36.

Joe laughed, ´Ah ha! I got you! I´ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.´

The salesman shook his head, ´You can´t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.´



New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

368.       Trudy
7887 posts
 16 Apr 2009 Thu 07:21 pm

 

Quoting lessluv

The doctor said, ´Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.´

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men´s clothing store and thought, ´That´s what I need... A new suit.´

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ´I´d like a new suit..´

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, ´Let´s see... size 44 long.´

Joe laughed, ´That´s right, how did you know?´

´Been in the business 60 years!´ the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit
it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ´How about a new shirt?´

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ´Sure.´

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ´Let´s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.´

Joe was surprised, ´That´s right, how did you know?´

´Been in the business 60 years.´

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ´How about some new underwear?´

Joe thought for a moment and said, ´Sure.´

The salesman said, ´Let´s see..... size 36.

Joe laughed, ´Ah ha! I got you! I´ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.´

The salesman shook his head, ´You can´t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.´



New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

 

 Poor man! lol lol lol

369.       lady in red
6947 posts
 21 Apr 2009 Tue 12:21 pm

 

Quoting Trudy

 

 

 Poor man! lol lol lol

 

 It´s not true Trudy! Laugh at

370.       lady in red
6947 posts
 21 Apr 2009 Tue 12:22 pm

 
A very pretty young speech  therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers´ Action  group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the  slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you  can tell me the
name of the town where you were born, without  stuttering, I will have
wild and passionate sex with you until your  muscles ache and your eyes
water. So, who wants to go first  ?"

The Englishman piped up.  "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That´s no use, Trevor" said the  speech therapist, "Who´s next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and  blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That´s no  better. There´ll be no sex for you, I´m afraid,  Hamish.

How about you, Paddy  ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out  " London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally  steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


....."-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".



Edited (4/21/2009) by lady in red

371.       sheena
308 posts
 28 Apr 2009 Tue 11:58 am







When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And
During her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?
´Tarzan not know sex´ he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ´Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.´
Horrified Jane said, ´ Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how
To do it properly.´
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
´Here´ she said, pointing to her privates, ´you must put it in here.´
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
Stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ´ What did you do that
For ?´

Tarzan replied, ´Check for squirrel.´

372.       adana
416 posts
 29 Apr 2009 Wed 10:59 am

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

That´s not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It´s very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He´s cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu
A piece of cake,huh?<img src='/static/images/smileys//lol.gif' alt='lol'> (fast)

373.       lady in red
6947 posts
 29 Apr 2009 Wed 07:09 pm

 

Quoting adana

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

 

Haha!  Oldies but goodies!   My son could do with this - he´s in Shanghai studying Chinese at the moment!

374.       adana
416 posts
 30 Apr 2009 Thu 11:26 pm

 

Quoting lady in red

 

Quoting adana

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

 

Haha!  Oldies but goodies!   My son could do with this - he´s in Shanghai studying Chinese at the moment!

 lucky dog...!!!never felt enchanted by Chinese except shaolin cloister performance...ahhh...Bruce-he was the man..Big smile

 

375.       lady in red
6947 posts
 11 Jun 2009 Thu 01:46 am

A few ´blond´ jokes I was sent today (apologies to blond tc members! )

 

- Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,
´Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?´
The other blonde turns and says
´Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????´

 

- A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died. 
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 
She says, ´What´s the story?´ 
He replies, ´Just crap in the carburetor´
She asks, ´How often do I have to do that?´

 

- A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. 
She replied in a huff, ´I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!´

 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor´s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
´Impossible!´ says the doctor. ´Show me.´ 
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream. 
The doctor said, ´You´re not really a redhead, are you? 
´Well, no´ she said, ´I´m actually a blonde.´ 
´I thought so,´ the doctor said, ´Your finger is broken.´
 
- A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ´PULL OVER!´ 
´NO!´ the blonde yelled back, ´IT´S A SCARF!´

 

-  A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...
It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, ´If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?´
She thought for a time and then asked, ´Is it on or off?´

 

376.       Manning
22 posts
 12 Jun 2009 Fri 06:19 am

Q: What´s brown and sticky?

 

A: A stick.

 

 

377.       lessluv
1052 posts
 30 Jun 2009 Tue 02:34 am

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on...


The first surgeon, from Bristol , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second, from Manchester , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."


The third surgeon, from Edinburgh , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."


The fourth surgeon, from Birmingham chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those blokes always understand when you have a few parts left over."


But the fifth surgeon, from London shut them all up when he observed: "You´re all wrong, Politicians are the easiest to operate on"...............................
.................................."There´s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the backside are interchangeable."

378.       catwoman
8933 posts
 30 Jun 2009 Tue 06:42 pm

 

Quoting lessluv

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on...


The first surgeon, from Bristol , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second, from Manchester , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."


The third surgeon, from Edinburgh , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."


The fourth surgeon, from Birmingham chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those blokes always understand when you have a few parts left over."


But the fifth surgeon, from London shut them all up when he observed: "You´re all wrong, Politicians are the easiest to operate on"...............................
.................................."There´s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the backside are interchangeable."

 

muuuuuuhahahahhahhhahaha

Love it! lol lol lol

379.       lessluv
1052 posts
 21 Jul 2009 Tue 11:17 am

In an attempt to reclaim my sapik title.

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.

 
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

"Ken ya swaller?" asked Bluey

The woman signalled ´No!´, desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Bazza. The woman shook her head, No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bottom.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration ´Ya know Bluey, I´d heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that´s the first time I ever seen somebody do it.´

 

 

 

Big smile

 

 

380.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 21 Jul 2009 Tue 01:26 pm

 

Quoting lessluv


Bazza said in admiration ´Ya know Bluey, I´d heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that´s the first time I ever seen somebody do it.´

 

 

 

Big smile

 

 

 

muahahahahahahahahahahahaha

381.       lady in red
6947 posts
 21 Jul 2009 Tue 02:33 pm

 

Quoting lessluv

In an attempt to reclaim my sapik title...

 

Big smile

 

 

 

 Long Live The Queen!

 

382.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 21 Jul 2009 Tue 09:49 pm

Two guys are talking:

A: I´ve read that whomen who take the initiative in bed are happier. I asked my wife to do it...

B: And?

A: She went to sleep saying she is indeed happier

383.       Deli_kizin
6376 posts
 21 Jul 2009 Tue 10:53 pm

What´s a whoman

384.       lady in red
6947 posts
 22 Jul 2009 Wed 09:10 pm

 

Quoting Deli_kizin

What´s a whoman

 

It´s a man who can never remember anyone´s name KD!  lol 

385.       Deli_kizin
6376 posts
 24 Jul 2009 Fri 02:01 pm

 

Quoting lady in red

 

 

It´s a man who can never remember anyone´s name KD!  lol 

 

 lol lol RIL

386.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 31 Aug 2009 Mon 07:21 pm

A Husband´s Moment of Realization

 

 A woman´s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

 

 As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

 

 

 "What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck." Wink

387.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 01 Sep 2009 Tue 10:39 am

Ode to the perfect man

 

The perfect man is gentle

And never cruel or mean.

He has a perfect smile

And is always neat and clean.

 

The perfect man likes kids

And will raise them by your side.

He will be a caring father,

And good husband to his bride.

 

The perfect man loves cooking.

He will clean and vacuum, too.

He´ll do what´s in his power

To show his love for you.

 

The perfect man is sweet,

Writing poems with your name.

He´s a best friend to your mother

And will kiss away your pain.

 

He never makes you cry

Nor caused you hurt in any way.

To hell with this endless poem --

The perfect man is gay.

388.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 01 Sep 2009 Tue 11:42 am

 

Quoting thehandsom

 

 

The perfect man is gay.

 

 

lol so true!!!

 

389.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 02 Sep 2009 Wed 11:59 am

In America, they say it´s 10:00 do you know where your children are?

In England, they say it´s 10:00 do you know where your husband is?

In Paris, they say it´s 10:00 do you know where your wife is?

And in Poland, they say it´s 10:00 do you know what time it is?

 

Mwuahhhhhhhhahaha!!!!

 

 

390.       Melek74
1506 posts
 02 Sep 2009 Wed 02:38 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

And in Poland, they say it´s 10:00 do you know what time it is?

 

Mwuahhhhhhhhahaha!!!!

 

 

 

 I will get you

391.       _AE_
677 posts
 02 Sep 2009 Wed 06:37 pm


A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her Husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, Protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping soundly
for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn´t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
a Passionate moment in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you´re not there."


Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I´ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
Got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
Poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.


To which the Husband replied,
 "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.” lol

392.       Elisabeth
5732 posts
 02 Sep 2009 Wed 08:27 pm

 

Quoting _AE_


 "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.” lol

 

EWWWWWWW!!!!  I hope she burns that costume!

 

393.       cedars
235 posts
 03 Sep 2009 Thu 06:38 pm

A WOMAN´S WEEK AT THE GYM 

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.  He is something of a Greek god- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.  Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT-!! It´s a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn´t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn´t help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells.  When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don´t have any triceps! And if you don´t want dents in the floor, don´t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn´t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I´m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.  I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

394.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 06 Sep 2009 Sun 05:33 pm

Drastic Diet

 

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. ´´Guaranteed my ass,´´ he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ´´If you can catch me you can have me!´´

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ´´I like the way this company does business.´´

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there´s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ´´If you can catch me, you can have me.´´

He´s after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it´s worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he´s ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program. 

´´Are you sure,´´ asks the representative on the phone, ´´this is our most rigorous program...´´ 

´´Absolutely,´´ he replies. ´´ I haven´t felt this great in years!´´

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds an athletic well built guy standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ´´If I catch you, I have you!!´´´

395.       lessluv
1052 posts