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Jokes and riddles
(518 Messages in 52 pages - View all)
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140.       Trudy
7887 posts
 30 Aug 2008 Sat 10:31 am

141.       doudi94
845 posts
 31 Aug 2008 Sun 07:53 pm

HAHAHA!!!!!!!!I really liked this one!!!!!!

Quote:thehandsom

By the way, if you´re a woman and you´re reading this, you
have illustrated another important point: women never
listen either.

142.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 03 Sep 2008 Wed 04:52 pm

Turkish wedding customs thread reminded me this joke:

 

Naive bride:

In one of the villages in Anatolia, a girl lived. Because her family did not send her to schools, kept her inside and away from the boys of the village, she was a bit naive.
One day her family got her married to a boy called Hasan. At first night, she looks at  Hasan and get surprised what she sees and asks what it is.
Hasan says that: "No men have this but only me. Dont mention this secret to anybody!!"
Then they make love and the naive bride likes it very much.
A year later, Hasan goes to the army and leave his wife with a friend called Ahmet. A week later Ahmet forgets his friend and gets naked in front of the naive bride. When she sees what Ahmet has, she gets surprised but they make love anyway.
Hasan comes back from the army, the night comes, just before they start, the naive bride asks:
-I have a question for you Hasan. You said you were the only one having it but I was told, Ahmet has it too.
Hasan:
-I had two and I have given one of them to Ahmet.
And the naive bride goes:
-My sweet Hasan, why did you give the better one to Ahmet?

143.       lady in red
6947 posts
 03 Sep 2008 Wed 07:17 pm

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked, The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

 "Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman´s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ´no´ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said ´no´ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ´yes,´ you would have given me all three. Lord, I´m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT´S why I said ´yes´ to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it´s for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That´s our story, and we´re sticking to it.

 

144.       Trudy
7887 posts
 03 Sep 2008 Wed 07:58 pm

 

Quoting lady in red

Whenever a woman lies, it´s for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That´s our story, and we´re sticking to it.

 

 Great story with an o-so true last paragraph..... lol lol

145.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 04 Sep 2008 Thu 12:03 pm

 

Whenever a woman lies, it´s for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That´s our story, and we´re sticking to it.

 

So true! lol

146.       lesluv
722 posts
 04 Sep 2008 Thu 02:29 pm

 

Quoting Trudy

 Great story with an o-so true last paragraph..... lol lol

 

 oh i might have held out for brad pitt ha ha

147.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 05 Oct 2008 Sun 01:29 am

Hazardous Materials Information Sheet

MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6 kg, but known to vary from 40-200 kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without know reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

148.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 05 Oct 2008 Sun 01:35 am

Art of Negotiation

After a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What is it?"

"I know you created me and have provided this place with all this lovely food and all of the wonderful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ´companion´ for you."

"What´s a ´companion´, Lord?"

"Another being more like the angels than the animals you now have for company. This will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. The creature will be so intelligent that it can figure out what you want before you want it. This being will be so sensitive and caring that it will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Its beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. This entity will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire and will be the perfect answer to your loneliness, " replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"One thing, Adam, this is going to cost you."

"How much?"

"A right arm, right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time. Finally he says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

149.       lady in red
6947 posts
 05 Oct 2008 Sun 11:03 am

 

Quoting thehandsom

Hazardous Materials Information Sheet

 

Doudie beat you to it with this one - http://www.turkishclass.com/forumTitle_31107_7 

 

Stop stealing the children´s jokes and find your own! {#lang_emotions_laugh_at}

150.       catwoman
8933 posts
 09 Oct 2008 Thu 07:31 am

THINGS YOU´D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK (but probably shouldn´t)

1. I can see your point, but I still think you´re full of shit.
2. I don´t know what your problem is, but I´ll bet it´s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you´ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I´m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I´ll try being nicer if you´ll try being smarter.
7. I´m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. It sounds like English, but I can´t understand a damn word you´re saying.
9. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
10. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
11. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don´t give a damn.
12. I´m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
14. I´m not being rude. You´re just insignificant.
15. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
16. Do I look like a people person?
17. This isn´t an office. It´s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
19. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
22. I´m trying to imagine you with a personality.
23. Can I trade this job for what´s behind door #1?
24. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
25. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
26. Oh I get it... Like humor... But different.

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