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Jokes and riddles
(518 Messages in 52 pages - View all)
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180.       catwoman
8933 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 03:08 am

With special dedication to thehandsom:

 

JUST SAY NO

Are you attracted to someone else?
Are all these guys at work having a crush on you?
Do I have any issues with communication and showing affection?

 

JUST SAY YES

Am I still any good in bed (are you ever NOT faking)?
Do you ever want to see me other then the day I get paid at work?
Do you like my beer belly and bald scalp?


181.       catwoman
8933 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 11:15 pm

85 ways of how to be ´one of the guys´, continued...

 

41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don´t.

42. Try to have a good memory, but it´s OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend´s birthday and eye color.

43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can´t see them, they can´t see you.

44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

46. Lie.

47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don´t know.

48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don´t know.

49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON´T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.

51. You are male, therefore you are superior.

52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.

53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

54. Don´t ever notice anything.

55. If you´re going out with someone but you love someone else, don´t say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.

56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

58. Lie.

59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you´ve done nothing wrong.

60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway.

...

...

...

182.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 11:17 pm

 

Quoting catwoman

85 ways of how to be ´one of the guys´, continued...

 

41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don´t.

42. Try to have a good memory, but it´s OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend´s birthday and eye color.

43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can´t see them, they can´t see you.

44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

46. Lie.

47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don´t know.

48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don´t know.

49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON´T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.

51. You are male, therefore you are superior.

52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.

53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

54. Don´t ever notice anything.

55. If you´re going out with someone but you love someone else, don´t say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.

56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

58. Lie.

59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you´ve done nothing wrong.

60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway.

...

...

...

This is getting quite offensive!!!{#lang_emotions_you_smartass}{#lang_emotions_get_you}

 

183.       catwoman
8933 posts
 19 Oct 2008 Sun 11:58 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

This is getting quite offensive!!!{#lang_emotions_you_smartass}{#lang_emotions_get_you}

 

Truth hurts? (at least it´s not a manual of how to humiliate your partner! {#lang_emotions_razz})

184.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 20 Oct 2008 Mon 12:37 am

 

Quoting catwoman

Truth hurts? (at least it´s not a manual of how to humiliate your partner! {#lang_emotions_razz})

 

well..I have an advice for you: ´it is better for you to stick to mltm´..

Because ´she is what you ever get´ with this rate...

185.       mltm
3690 posts
 20 Oct 2008 Mon 12:47 am

 

Quoting thehandsom

Because ´she is what you ever get´ with this rate...

 

 What does it mean? {#lang_emotions_unsure}

186.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 20 Oct 2008 Mon 01:32 am

 

Quoting mltm

 What does it mean? {#lang_emotions_unsure}

 

I meant , no men will want to be with her..

It is just A joke mltm..

187.       catwoman
8933 posts
 20 Oct 2008 Mon 02:22 am

 

Quoting thehandsom

I meant , no men will want to be with her..

 

That is simply not true. Maybe it is hard to comprehend, but there is a saying "a man of quality is not threatened by a woman of equality".

188.       wendy.boo
20 posts
 23 Oct 2008 Thu 01:33 pm

They got me...

http://i38.tinypic.com/33lleyt.jpg

 

189.       catwoman
8933 posts
 23 Oct 2008 Thu 09:19 pm

85 ways to be ´one of the guys´... last installment

 

61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don´t know."

62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

64. Don´t ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn´t come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.

66. Other peoples´ pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.

67. Lie.

68. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you´ve done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

69. 69

70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn´t want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn´t talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"

71. Three words: Let´s be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it´s bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I´ll pretend I want to be your friend.

72. Lie.

73. If you´re on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you´ve been laid in.

74. Here´s a good trick. Tell a girl that you´re going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad´s room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)

75. If a girl breaks up with you because you´re in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE´s the one who wanted to end the relationship.

76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.

77. Default facial expression: blank stare.

78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.

79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON´T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn´t work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don´t know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn´t do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.

81. Beer. Then more beer.

82. One word: FOOTBALL!

83. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don´t want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???

84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.

85. LIE.

190.       lesluv
722 posts
 23 Oct 2008 Thu 10:12 pm

Little boy says to his father....."dad, where does poo come from?"

Dad says "the food passes down esophagus to the stomach, where the digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as ´poo´."

"Blimey", says the little boy " and what about Tigger"

 

{#lang_emotions_lol_fast}

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