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Jokes and riddles
(518 Messages in 52 pages - View all)
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230.       bod
5999 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 04:40 pm

A man with no arms and no legs is sat on a towel on the beach.

 

3 beautiful women are walking past and the first one says "poor thing, have you ever been kissed?"   He said no so she kissed him and walked off.    The second woman said to him "poor thing, have you ever been hugged?"  He said no so she hugged him and walked off.

The third woman says to him "poor thing, have you ever been f*ck*d?"  He said no so she replied and said:  "Well you are going to be now - the tides coming in!"

 

231.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 04:53 pm

 

Quoting lesluv

A christmas story for those of you having a bad day

 

 

When four of Santa´s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.


Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank
all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice
had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully, ´Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn´t this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?´


















And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree. {#lang_emotions_bigsmile}

lol lol lol lol

 

232.       bod
5999 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 05:22 pm

An Irish woman was admitted to hospital complaining about pain after having phone sex.

 

Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.

 

No Siemen was found........

233.       teaschip
3870 posts
 09 Dec 2008 Tue 08:47 pm

 

Quoting bod

An Irish woman was admitted to hospital complaining about pain after having phone sex.

 

Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.

 

No Siemen was found........

 

 {#lang_emotions_lol_fast}

234.       bod
5999 posts
 10 Dec 2008 Wed 10:39 am

Al Qeada have been putting explosives into cans of alphabet spagetti.......

If one goes off it could spell disaster........

235.       lesluv
722 posts
 13 Dec 2008 Sat 01:34 pm

Rudolph and Dancer were in the stables talking
Rudolph: I don´t think much for the new trainee reindeer, Bernard
Dancer: Really? Why´s that?
Rudolph: Well.. for one, he is behind me, and two, he´s not too good at stopping. {#lang_emotions_wtf}

236.       lady in red
6947 posts
 13 Dec 2008 Sat 10:18 pm

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn´t work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It´s hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn´t surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don´t mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully, 

 

 

 

 

237.       bod
5999 posts
 14 Dec 2008 Sun 03:41 pm

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm........

 

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick come on the bus.

238.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 14 Dec 2008 Sun 09:27 pm

Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol

REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media.

The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.

"It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft´s Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems´ trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java., when it occurred to us that there are no countries named ´ActiveX.´ We tossed around the idea of changing the name of ´ActiveX´ to ´Chile´ or ´Brazil´ -- which also help distance it from the recently-uncovered security holes -- when someone joked that we´d save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we just trademarked the trademark symbol."

Schexnader continued, "Initially, we all laughed -- but one look at Bill´s face, and we knew we´d be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark Office in the morning."

Microsoft hasn´t wasted any time enforcing the new trademark. According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft´s Ministry of Litigation and Law Enforcement, "Use of the ´tm´ symbol will now be restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic Church."

But companies wishing to use the ´(tm)´ symbol will not be left out in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new symbol, ´(tMS)´, to replace the now-restricted ´(tm)´ symbol.

"Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free," states Goldberg, "though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use in the future."

Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, "Apple Computer developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten years ago," but refused to give any details on the exact nature of the lawsuit.

No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for comment Tuesday.

239.       lesluv
722 posts
 14 Dec 2008 Sun 11:30 pm

To Feel Like A Woman

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front
of the plane. "I´m too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I´m going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a
woman! Well I´ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel
like a woman," he says.

He´s gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes,
he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button
at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man
approaches.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm
holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
































"Iron this."{#lang_emotions_lol_fast}{#lang_emotions_get_you}

240.       bod
5999 posts
 15 Dec 2008 Mon 12:35 pm

I´ve just come back from an appointment with a fortune teller........

She told me alot of money would be coming my way.......I left very excited and immediately got hit by a Securicor van........

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