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Jokes and riddles
(518 Messages in 52 pages - View all)
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250.       lady in red
6947 posts
 22 Dec 2008 Mon 10:59 am

 

Quoting FamilyGuy

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don´t undo my trousers, I´ll burst !

5: I´ve never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet ?

8: It´s a little dry, do you still want to eat it ?

9: Just wait your turn, you´ll get some !

10: Don´t play with your meat !

11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you´ll be able to handle all these people at once ?

13: I didn´t expect everyone to come at the same time !

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in ?

16: You´ll know it´s ready when it pops up.

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That´s the biggest bird I´ve ever had !

19: I´m so full, I´ve been gobbling nuts all morning.

20: Wow, I didn´t think I could handle all that and still want more.

 

 lollol - I´m really surprised les(s)luv didn´t get in first with this one!

251.       TheAenigma
5001 posts
 22 Dec 2008 Mon 12:26 pm

 

Quoting lessluv

 

 Damn! That sapik is back....AND with an extra S

 

Ooops I forgot to be festive....ermmm how lovely

252.       bod
5999 posts
 22 Dec 2008 Mon 03:00 pm

My poor mother is epileptic.........

 

For xmas I have bought her a strobe light - she´s going to have a fit when she see it lol

253.       lessluv
1052 posts
 22 Dec 2008 Mon 03:16 pm

 

Quoting lady in red

 lollol - I´m really surprised les(s)luv didn´t get in first with this one!

 

 gad damn it ....I had that one all ready for tonight {#lang_emotions_rant}{#lang_emotions_lol}

254.       lessluv
1052 posts
 22 Dec 2008 Mon 03:40 pm

so have this one instead!! (NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED)

 

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
everyone was drinking....even the mouse
with mom in the whore house and smoking grass 
I just settled down with a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn, I heard such a clatter,
I spung off my piece to see what was the matter.
And what to my stoned-out eyes should appear,
but a shitty old sleigh and eight f**king reindeer.

With a dirty old man who was beating his dick,
I knew at that moment, it must be St. Nick.
He flew across the lawn and up the house wall,
he cried onward you b*****ds or it´s off with your balls.

Then down the chimney he came like a bat out of hell,
I knew at that moment, the fat f**ker fell.
He filled all the stockings with drugs and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother who´s queer.

And up again he went with a fart,
that son of a bitch blew my chimney apart.
And I heard him say as he flew out of sight,
"piss on you all it´s been a hell of a night."

 

 

 

255.       bod
5999 posts
 22 Dec 2008 Mon 05:08 pm

 

Quoting FamilyGuy

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS


2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

 

Why can I only say these at Christmas..........

Clearly you haven´t met my girlie yet

256.       lessluv
1052 posts
 23 Dec 2008 Tue 04:38 pm

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece.


He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy.


He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn´t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn´t see anything, the second day he didn´t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

257.       amicamia
24 posts
 24 Dec 2008 Wed 12:22 am

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious , he was about to go and see why his wife hadn´t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said,

"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"

258.       amicamia
24 posts
 24 Dec 2008 Wed 04:46 pm

TOO HOT /

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short email back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the email ended up going to
JeanJohn@world.net.

A Jean Johnson in Duluth was the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher´s wife when she came home,just wanted to take a look at the last mails sent by her dearest before he passed away.When she took one look at the e-mail box,she promptly fainted.Her mother heard her falling down,rushed into the room.As she was trying to pick her up,she saw the mail on the screen:
-Darling,arrived safely,miss you a lot.I’ve just booked your place,waiting you to arrive tomorrow.
P.S:Here is too hot!

{#lang_emotions_wtf}

259.       amicamia
24 posts
 24 Dec 2008 Wed 04:56 pm

An Affair/

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There´s no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

260.       amicamia
24 posts
 25 Dec 2008 Thu 08:27 pm

Two factory workers are talking.The woman says:
"-I can make the boss give me the day off.
"-And how would you do that? "asks the man.
The woman says, "-Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and asks:
"-What are you doing? "
"-I´m a light bulb."The woman replies:
The boss then says, "-You´ve been working so much that you´ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
As the man starting to follow her, the boss shouts:
- "And where are you going ? ! "
The man says:
"-I´m going home, too. I can´t work in the dark
."

{#lang_emotions_confused}

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