General/Off-topic |
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Jokes and riddles
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| 260. |
25 Dec 2008 Thu 08:27 pm |
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Two factory workers are talking.The woman says:
"-I can make the boss give me the day off.
"-And how would you do that? "asks the man.
The woman says, "-Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and asks:
"-What are you doing? "
"-I´m a light bulb."The woman replies:
The boss then says, "-You´ve been working so much that you´ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
As the man starting to follow her, the boss shouts:
- "And where are you going ? ! "
The man says:
"-I´m going home, too. I can´t work in the dark."
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| 261. |
28 Dec 2008 Sun 01:35 am |
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Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, ´Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years´?
The fairy godmother replied, ´Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?´
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
´The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.I´m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques,and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chairturnedintosolid gold.
Cinderella said,
´Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother´
The fairy godmother replied,
´It is the least that I can do.What do you want for your second wish?´
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
´I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.´
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years..
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
´You have one more wish; what shall it be?´
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, ´I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.´
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
´Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.´
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other´s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........................
.................................................. ......................................
´Bet you´re sorry now that you had my balls cut off´
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| 262. |
28 Dec 2008 Sun 08:16 pm |
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One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ´Slim Fast´. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn´t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April", he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snigger. "It´s not talcum powder;
it´s ´Miracle Grow´!!!!!!
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| 263. |
31 Dec 2008 Wed 11:58 pm |
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity,and kept repeating:
"Why did you die?.. Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said:
"Sir, I don´t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I´ve ever seen before.For whom do you mourn so deeply?Your child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered:
"My wife´s first husband!..ohh...Why did you die???
Why did you die?!!!"
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| 264. |
03 Jan 2009 Sat 04:13 am |
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can´t baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don´t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don´t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don´t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time
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8) You can´t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don´t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
1 The best place to be when you´re sad is Grandpa´s lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don´t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today´s mighty oak is just yesterday´s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It´s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy inside the box.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you´re down there.
4) You´re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It´s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it´s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don´t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short. Dance naked
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| 265. |
03 Jan 2009 Sat 10:13 am |
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ´What is Politics?´
Dad says, ´Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The Nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.´
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parents´ room and finds his mother
asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny´s room finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ´Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.´
The father says, ´Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.´
The little boy replies,
´The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government
is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep
sh**.
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| 266. |
05 Jan 2009 Mon 06:23 am |
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Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland, on Ouldeniz beach couldn´t seem
to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for
some advice..
"Mate, it´s obvious," says the lifeguard, "you´re wearing them old baggy
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They´re years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato > down inside ´em. I´m
tellin´ ya man...you´ll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new
tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was
disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away,
laughing, looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What´s wrong now?"
"JAHEESUS !" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"
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| 267. |
06 Jan 2009 Tue 12:14 pm |
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One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, ´´Jesus is watching you!´´while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, ´´Who said that?!´´ Once again he heard the same thing, ´´Jesus is watching you!´´ The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, ´´Cornelius.´´ The robber said, ´´What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!´´ The parrot said, ´´The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!´´
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| 268. |
06 Jan 2009 Tue 10:47 pm |
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fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno´t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! :-S  
hehe i think you can find something similar in every language... that is our beautiful mind working this way!!!
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| 269. |
07 Jan 2009 Wed 11:56 am |
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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it nearly full and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him. ´Why don´t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!´ The blind man replies: ´If you would´ve put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we´d be sitting in the bus´.
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| 270. |
15 Jan 2009 Thu 01:48 am |
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, ´I´ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition.´
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, ´You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.´
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man´s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.........
´Clean my house.´
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