Yes H - please read the posts properly before responding!! 

 He couldn´t, totally flabbergasted by the idea of three women.....

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie.”  Looking around he noticed the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the
bar. A few sips later the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.”  At this, the man called the bartender over.  “Hey, I must be losing my mind,” he told him.
“I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me.  It’s the peanuts…they’re complimentary.”

POST-GRADUATE COURSE FOR WOMEN AT CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY

Unfortunately all courses below are cancelled. (There were no candidates that needed them.)

1st year - 1st semester

Language 1: Are you ready to go? Definition of the word ‘yes’. .

Reading a map: Logic before intuition.

Driving 1: You can, using automatic gear.

Driving 2: The meaning of little flickering red lights.

Honour & obey: The tiny letters of ‘I promise…’

Why your mother is not welcome.

Classical clothing: wearing things you’ve worn before.

Etiquette 1: Men do need space in the bath room.

Communication skills 1: Tears, the last solution, not the first.

Unknown possibilities of banking: Make a deposit

2nd semester

Language 2: Rhetorical questions (Used to be: ‘Honey, am I too fat?)

Practice: Shopping in less than 4 hours.

Etiquette 2: His razor is really his!

Remote control: Only for men.

Communication skills 2: Think before speaking.

Driving 3: Remaining a constant speed: is that possible?

Football: No game but a religion.

Cooking 1: The comeback of bacon & eggs.

Silence: The ultimate place no woman has ever been.

Practice: You can buy condoms as well.

Putting the toilet seat down yourself.

2nd year - 1st semester

Calling and remaining order.

Language 3: Telephone calls.

Driving 4: Make-up and driving is as water and fire!

The limits of make-up.

Cooking 2: Soy sprouts and corn salad are not meant for human consumption.

Communication skills: Getting what you want without whining.

Men-management: Domestic duties can wait until after the match.

Driving 5: Introduction to parking.

The penis: His best friend can become your best friend.

Oil and gasoline: Your car need both.

The 7-outfits-week: It does not need to be new to be good.

2nd semester

Higher maths: How to use the video.

Menstruation: Your problem, not his.

Dancing: Why men do not like it.

Communication skills: Ending a Telephone call.

Dust: A painless natural phenomenon only women can see.

Language 4: Clean and dirty: the nuance of ‘bearable’.

Not everything is what it seems: Why credit cards are no toys.

Your husband: A male chauvinistic pig or a vulnerable victim of youth trauma’s that is surviving by letting the prehistoric man inside himself free?

a crash course 4 women

Women´s Training Courses

Long awaited training courses are now finally available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don´t Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

This is an actual letter sent to the then DFAT Minster, The Hon Alexander Downer and the then Immigration, The Hon Minister Amanda Vanstone. The Government tried in desperation to censure the author, but to no avail.

A happy Federal government customer.

Dear Mr. Minister,

I´m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I´ve filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver´s license, on the last eight passports I´ve ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I´ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I´ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also..would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother´s name is Audrey, my Father´s name is Jack, and I´d be absolutely f*** astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

S**T!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I´m really pissed off this morning. Between you an´ me, I´ve had enough of all this bulls**t! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*** address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin´ there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can´t even grow a beard for God´s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a s**t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I´d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ´cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another f*** copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that´d be too f*** easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f*** heads cut off, and then having to find some high society wanker to confirm that it´s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo..the one where we´re not allowed to smile?! ...you f*** morons

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it´s me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850!
In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances.
I´m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone ´important´ to verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F*** PAKISTAN!!!......a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the ´right sort of government.´

You are all F*** idiots

The nun is running religion class at primary school

she is asking

well,kids..let´s play the guessing game

it is red,has long tail,jumps over the tree branches and eats nuts

Johnny is raising his hand

´ for 99% it is a squirrel but as far as I know you sister,than can be Jesus

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch.

Life is good.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called ‘Cowkimon’ and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

An ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch and forget about the cows

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre. Then midway
through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply. When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister with all the shit around him.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don´t do that. There´s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren´t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don´t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

How RUSSIA will take over the world!

+ 20 C - Greeks put on sweaters (if they can find them)
+ 15 C - Hawaiians turn on the heaters (if they have them)
+ 10 C - Americans shake, Russians are planting cucumbers.
+ 5 C - You can see your own breathing. Italian cars don´t start. Norwegians take a bath. Russians drive with lowered windows.
0 C - Water freezes in America, in Russia it thickens.
- 5 C - French cars don´t start.
- 10 C - You´re planning a vacation to Australia.
- 15 C - Your cat insists to sleep in your bed. Norwegians put on sweaters.
- 18 C - New York landlords turn on the heaters. Russians make their last seasonal picnic.
- 20 C - American cars don´t start. People in Alaska start wearing long-sleeves.
- 25 C - German cars don´t start. Hawaiians are dead.
- 30 C - Politicians start talking about homeless people. Your cat prefers to sleep in your pajamas.
- 35 C - Too cold to think. Japanese cars don´t start.
- 40 C - You´re planning a 2-week hot tub bath. Swedish cars don´t start.
- 42 C - Transportation stops in Europe. Russians eat ice cream on the street.
- 45 C - All Greeks are dead. Policians really start doing something for the homeless.
- 50 C - Your eyelids start sticking when you blink. In Alaska, people close the window in the bathroom.
- 60 C - White bears start moving south.
- 70 C - The hell froze.
- 73 C - Finnish special services evacuate Santa Claus from Lapland. Russians wear earmuff hats.
- 80 C - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-114 C - Ethyl alcohol is freezing. Russians are unhappy.
-273 C - Absolute zero, atomic movement stops. Russians wear boots.
-295 C - 90% of the planet is dead. Russian soccer team becomes the world champion.