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Jokes and riddles
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460.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 19 Jun 2010 Sat 12:30 pm

 

Quoting si++

 

 

I would never ever in a million years think of gezegen, hansom, Trudy and the Pope being in the same plane. I like this one.{#emotions_dlg.bigsmile}

 

Trudy was vital. . . she is the only member I felt certain would possess a backpack. 

 

The Pope . . . well I wanted a religious figure from TC, but I think Lemon may have ruined the punchline . . . she may have pushed all the "sinners" from the plane.



Edited (6/19/2010) by peacetrain

461.       lady in red
6947 posts
 19 Jun 2010 Sat 01:36 pm

 

Quoting peacetrain

 

 

Trudy was vital. . . she is the only member I felt certain would possess a backpack. 

 

The Pope . . . well I wanted a religious figure from TC, but I think Lemon may have ruined the punchline . . . she may have pushed all the "sinners" from the plane.

 

{#emotions_dlg.lol} - this old joke does adapt well to different people - but I´ve never seen it so personalised before!  [I think Sonunda may have a backpack as well btw ]

 

462.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 19 Jun 2010 Sat 03:54 pm

 

Quoting lady in red

 

 

{#emotions_dlg.lol} - this old joke does adapt well to different people - but I´ve never seen it so personalised before!  [I think Sonunda may have a backpack as well btw ]

 

Yes, it must be eight years or so since I first heard it.  Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, Archbishop Desmond Tutu and an Aussie backpacker were the characters in the one I heard.

 

463.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 21 Jun 2010 Mon 11:30 am

Gigantic Misunderstanding!!

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, ´sack my cook´. 

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

464.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 25 Jun 2010 Fri 04:20 pm

After reading this : http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/10411717.stm

 

10 Catholic Priests

One day there were 10 would-be Catholic priests, going through the tests that would make them ministers. The final test required them to all strip butt-naked and standin a row with little bells attached to their ding-dongs, facing a beautiful naked woman. Well, lo and behold one of the bells went off, but when it did, it fell to the ground. As soon as its owner bent over to pick it up, all the 9 remaining bells sounded at once.Yup. Nine more ordained priests added to the Catholic Church.

Daydreamer liked this message
465.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 30 Jun 2010 Wed 11:27 pm

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari parkI sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN´T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer´s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN´T WORK)

 

more here

466.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 01 Jul 2010 Thu 05:10 pm

Wife-taming method

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to theother and says, ´You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I gohome after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Itake my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakesup and yells at me for staying out so late!´

His buddy looks at him and says, ´Well, you’re obviously taking thewrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Hey honey, wanna fool around?’ ´.and she’s always sound asleep. 

467.       libralady
5152 posts
 01 Jul 2010 Thu 05:24 pm

 

Quoting lady in red

 

 

{#emotions_dlg.lol} - this old joke does adapt well to different people - but I´ve never seen it so personalised before!  [I think Sonunda may have a backpack as well btw ]

 

 

 *blushing* I have several...... different sizes for different occasions, the largest is 65 litre {#emotions_dlg.yes}

468.       libralady
5152 posts
 01 Jul 2010 Thu 05:26 pm

 

Quoting thehandsom

Bra sizes

 

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for It is about time you became informed!

A - Almost Boobs

B - Barely there.

C - Can’t Complain!

D - Damn!

DD - Double damn!

E - Enormous!

G - GEEEEzus Christ!

F - Fake.

 

 Wonder why there is not a similar sizing method for mens pants! They are either small medium or large {#emotions_dlg.satisfied_nod}

469.       libralady
5152 posts
 01 Jul 2010 Thu 05:27 pm

 

Quoting catwoman

 

 

A man goes to a store and sees a woman that he finds attractive. She, however does not pay any attention to him, which he finds surprising because he thinks he´s such a ´catch´! He thinks of the size of his ´stuff´ and wonders why everybody can resist him... {#emotions_dlg.doh} He thinks of the experiences he had had with his girlfriends and remembers that they did not exactly seem to be very impressed with his ´skills´. He quickly dismisses these thoughts and drifts away into a fantasy world where every female is ´grateful´ to him about how he pleased her and every woman will certainly ´come back and ask for more´.

When he returns with his thoughts to the real world, he joins the mysogynists of the world and disrespects real women because they don´t devote their lives to please him and his egocentric, immature, narcissistic ego.

 

the bottom line is that HE JUST HATES SHOPPING FOR SHOES!

 

 Catwoman - this just cracked me up!{#emotions_dlg.lol_fast}

470.       libralady
5152 posts
 01 Jul 2010 Thu 05:29 pm

 

Quoting peacetrain

 The Handsom, Gezegen, the Pope and Trudy were all in a plane together flying through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I´m the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I´m the world´s greatest procreator," proclaimed Gezegen. "This world needs great procreators, so I must live." Gezegen then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"Off Ya!!  I´m the smartest  and most well read member of Turkish Class," bragged The Handsom. "Turkey needs smart, well read, peace-loving men like me. I have so much work left to do, so I must also live!" The Handsom grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope turned to Trudy and said  "I have lived a long life compared to you my child.  Please, take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

 

"Well that´s very kind of you," replied Trudy " but,  please, be my guest and put on the parachute and jump.  Don´t worry about me, I can take care of myself."

 

The Pope was very touched by Trudy´s brave and selfless act.

 

"My child, you seem very self assured, please tell me, how you are managing to keep so calm and be so brave in a situation such as this?" Asked the Pope.

 

"Sure," replied Trudy  "I just watched Turkey´s smartest, well read, peace-loving man jump out of the plane and he was wearing my backpack.!"

 

 Excellent!!!

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