I just want to let you all know that English belongs to me now. I just bought it this morning. I will be sending you all revised language books in the near future. I have decided to make my changes starting with Europe. Here is your first lesson in advance:

English in the World Community:

I am announcing that English will be the official
language of the European Union rather than
German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, I have conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft
"c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants
jump with
joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".
This
should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan
have one
less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
sekond
year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced
with
"f". This will make words like fotograf 20%
shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new
spelling
kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters which have always ben a deterent to
akurate
speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the
silent
"e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should
go
away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps
such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be
dropd from
vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve
vil
hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and
evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a
united
urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking
German
like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

I am zo sory

No idea if this has already been posted, still, I find it hilarious


Why is English so difficult?

Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
1 I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
2 I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, across the ages, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Thank you Daydreamer and Femme and Elisabeth and who ever was the originator of both of the posts....I needed that today, and my co-workers are enjoying them too!