An Apple pie recipe (only for men)

1´ Take 10 eggs from the fridge, place 7 remaining eggs on the table, clean the floor, next time be careful!
2´ Take a big bowl and break eggs in to it, break eggs on the edge of a bowl.
3´ Clean the floor, please be more careful! We have 5 eggs in the bowl.
4´ Take a mixer and attach the wings and start whipping eggs.
5´ Attach the wings one more time but attach them to the end until you hear a click. Start whipping.
6´ Wash you face, hands and back. There are now 2 eggs in the bowl, exactly what we need for a pie.
7´ Cover the walls and ceilling with newspapers and the furniture with plastic bags. Now we start adding flour.
8´ Pour 200gr into a glass and collect the rest 800gr back into the container.
9´ Make sure the walls and the ceiling are covered properly, start mixing.
10´ Have a quick shower!
11´ Take 4 apples and a sharp knife.
12´ Go to the pharmacist and get a first aid kit. When you return start peeling the apples. Apply the first aid kit on your thumb!
13´ Chop apples into cubes, remember that we need 2 apples, therefore dont eat more than a half an apple! Treat all your fingers now with the aid kit.

14´ The only surviving apple chopped into pieces chuck into the bawl with a pastry, collect the rest from the floor and wash (dont eat them, put back into the bowl).

15´ Mix everything. wash the fridge!
16´ Pour the mixture into the baking tray, put into the oven.
17´ An hour later if theres still not result, turn the oven on.
18´ After you wake up dont call for a fire brigade, just open the windows and the oven.

How many forum users do we need to replace a light bulb?
1 user to say there is a need to replace a bulb.
14 users who will share similar experiences of replacing the bulbs and write how else they would have done it.
7 users who will warn of dangers during the replacement.
1 user who will take the thread to the "Enlightment" forum.
2 users who will start arguing and move it to the section of "Electrics"
7 users who will point the spelling and grammar errors in the posts of "bulb".
5 users who will get offended by those who noticed errors
3 users who will correct the errors
6 users who will argue over if the word must be spellt "bulb" or "bolb" and another 6 who will call them stupid.
2 proffessional electrics who will inform everyone that it is actually called a "lamp"
15 all-knowing users who will state that they know the subject and it should be called a "bulb"
19 users who will write that this forum is not for "bulbs" and it should be moved to the section of bulbs.
11 users who will defend the topic stating that everyone uses the bulb thus the topic is relevant
36 users who will debate over the best methods, where to buy the bulbs of which brand and which brand bulbs are faulty.
7 users who will post links to see the illustrated various types of bulbs.
4 users who will write that those links dont work and send other links.
13 users who will quote several posts signing under "Me too / +1 / Agree".
5 users who will write that they are leaving because they cant stand the controversions arounf bulbs any more.
4 users who will write "we had such topics before".
13 users who will write "google" before asking questions about bulbs.
1 user who will hijack and ask about how to replace the tyres.
1 user who will reply to the question a year later and start the whole thing again.

What rubbish!  Nobody on this site remotely resembles the users you have described above. 

This is an OUTRAGE!  It´s just insulting to light bulbs!  Don´t you know that there are thousands of light bulbs around the world who never get their moment to light up a room?  They are systematically broken before they even make it out of the box!  Your such a simpleton, lemon!  

Exactly! Esp. me

Bread is more useful than poetry - Aragon

Truth is stranger than fiction!  (not sure who said this but it is sooooo true!)

What comes to my mind is Bad Religion

"Stranger Than Fiction"

a febrile shocking violent smack
the children are hoping for a heart attack,
tonight the windows are watching,
the streets all conspire,
and the lamppost can´t stop crying,
if I could fly high above the world,
would I see a bunch of living dots spell the world stupidity?,
or would I see hungry lover homicides,
loving brother suicides,
and olly olly oxenfrees,
who pickaside and hide

the world is scratching at my door,
my morning papers got the scores,
the human interest stories, and the obituary

cockroach naps and rattling traps,
how many devils can you fit upon a match head?,
caringosity killed the Kerouac cat,
sometimes truth is stranger than fiction

in my alley around the corner,
there´s a wino with feathered shoulders,
and a spirit giving head for crack and he´ll never want it back,
there´s a little kid and his family eating crackers like thanksgiving
and a pack of wild desperados scornful of living

the worlds is scratching at my door....

cradle for a cat, Wolfe looks back,
how many angels can you fit upon a match?
I want to know why Hemingway cracked,
sometimes truth is stranger than fiction

life is the crummiest book I ever read,
there isn´t a hook, just a lot of cheap shots,
pictures to shock and characters an amateur would never dream up

On the thread "Two pennies for your thoughts" people needed to lighten up, they are fed up with the true image of God.

This book is for Barba and her friends with pink glasses. God is going to destroy everything and YOUR love the planet earth is vain.

The book of Zephania

 ¹ The word of the LORD that came to Zephaniah son of Cushi, the son of Gedaliah, the son of Amariah, the son of Hezekiah, during the reign of Josiah son of Amon king of Judah:

Warning of Coming Destruction

 ² "I will sweep away everything
       from the face of the earth,"
       declares the LORD.

 ³ "I will sweep away both men and animals;
       I will sweep away the birds of the air
       and the fish of the sea.
       The wicked will have only heaps of rubble ^[a]
       when I cut off man from the face of the earth,"
       declares the LORD.

Against Judah

 ⁴ "I will stretch out my hand against Judah
       and against all who live in Jerusalem.
       I will cut off from this place every remnant of Baal,
       the names of the pagan and the idolatrous priests-

 ⁵ those who bow down on the roofs
       to worship the starry host,
       those who bow down and swear by the LORD
       and who also swear by Molech, ^[b]

 ⁶ those who turn back from following the LORD
       and neither seek the LORD nor inquire of him.

 ⁷ Be silent before the Sovereign LORD,
       for the day of the LORD is near.
       The LORD has prepared a sacrifice;
       he has consecrated those he has invited.

 ⁸ On the day of the LORD´s sacrifice
       I will punish the princes
       and the king´s sons
       and all those clad
       in foreign clothes.

 ⁹ On that day I will punish
       all who avoid stepping on the threshold, ^[c]
       who fill the temple of their gods
       with violence and deceit.

 ¹⁰ "On that day," declares the LORD,
       "a cry will go up from the Fish Gate,
       wailing from the New Quarter,
       and a loud crash from the hills.

 ¹¹ Wail, you who live in the market district ^[d] ;
       all your merchants will be wiped out,
       all who trade with ^[e] silver will be ruined.

 ¹² At that time I will search Jerusalem with lamps
       and punish those who are complacent,
       who are like wine left on its dregs,
       who think, ´The LORD will do nothing,
       either good or bad.´

 ¹³ Their wealth will be plundered,
       their houses demolished.
       They will build houses
       but not live in them;
       they will plant vineyards
       but not drink the wine. (God constantly punishes Israel)

The Great Day of the Lord

 ¹⁴ "The great day of the LORD is near—
       near and coming quickly.
       Listen! The cry on the day of the LORD will be bitter,
       the shouting of the warrior there.

 ¹⁵ That day will be a day of wrath,
       a day of distress and anguish,
       a day of trouble and ruin,
       a day of darkness and gloom,
       a day of clouds and blackness,

 ¹⁶ a day of trumpet and battle cry
       against the fortified cities
       and against the corner towers.

 ¹⁷ I will bring distress on the people
       and they will walk like blind men,
       because they have sinned against the LORD.
       Their blood will be poured out like dust
       and their entrails like filth.

 ¹⁸ Neither their silver nor their gold
       will be able to save them
       on the day of the LORD´s wrath.
       In the fire of his jealousy
       the whole world will be consumed,
       for he will make a sudden end
       of all who live in the earth."

¹ Gather together, gather together,
       O shameful nation,

 ² before the appointed time arrives
       and that day sweeps on like chaff,
       before the fierce anger of the LORD comes upon you,
       before the day of the LORD´s wrath comes upon you.

 ³ Seek the LORD, all you humble of the land,
       you who do what he commands.
       Seek righteousness, seek humility;
       perhaps you will be sheltered
       on the day of the LORD´s anger.

Against Philistia

 ⁴ Gaza will be abandoned
       and Ashkelon left in ruins.
       At midday Ashdod will be emptied
       and Ekron uprooted.

 ⁵ Woe to you who live by the sea,
       O Kerethite people;
       the word of the LORD is against you,
       O Canaan, land of the Philistines.
       "I will destroy you,
       and none will be left."

 ⁶ The land by the sea, where the Kerethites ^[a] dwell,
       will be a place for shepherds and sheep pens.

 ⁷ It will belong to the remnant of the house of Judah;
       there they will find pasture.
       In the evening they will lie down
       in the houses of Ashkelon.
       The LORD their God will care for them;
       he will restore their fortunes. ^[b]

Against Moab and Ammon

 ⁸ "I have heard the insults of Moab
       and the taunts of the Ammonites,
       who insulted my people
       and made threats against their land.

 ⁹ Therefore, as surely as I live,"
       declares the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel,
       "surely Moab will become like Sodom,
       the Ammonites like Gomorrah—
       a place of weeds and salt pits,
       a wasteland forever.
       The remnant of my people will plunder them;
       the survivors of my nation will inherit their land."

 ¹⁰ This is what they will get in return for their pride,
       for insulting and mocking the people of the LORD Almighty.

 ¹¹ The LORD will be awesome to them
       when he destroys all the gods of the land.
       The nations on every shore will worship him,
       every one in its own land.

Against Cush

 ¹² "You too, O Cushites, ^[c]
       will be slain by my sword."

Against Assyria

 ¹³ He will stretch out his hand against the north
       and destroy Assyria,
       leaving Nineveh utterly desolate
       and dry as the desert.

 ¹⁴ Flocks and herds will lie down there,
       creatures of every kind.
       The desert owl and the screech owl
       will roost on her columns.
       Their calls will echo through the windows,
       rubble will be in the doorways,
       the beams of cedar will be exposed.

 ¹⁵ This is the carefree city
       that lived in safety.
       She said to herself,
       "I am, and there is none besides me."
       What a ruin she has become,
       a lair for wild beasts!
       All who pass by her scoff
       and shake their fists.

(and indeed these nations do not exist anymore)

The Future of Jerusalem

 ¹ Woe to the city of oppressors,
       rebellious and defiled!

 ² She obeys no one,
       she accepts no correction.
       She does not trust in the LORD,
       she does not draw near to her God.

 ³ Her officials are roaring lions,
       her rulers are evening wolves,
       who leave nothing for the morning.

 ⁴ Her prophets are arrogant;
       they are treacherous men.
       Her priests profane the sanctuary
       and do violence to the law.

 ⁵ The LORD within her is righteous;
       he does no wrong.
       Morning by morning he dispenses his justice,
       and every new day he does not fail,
       yet the unrighteous know no shame.

 ⁶ "I have cut off nations;
       their strongholds are demolished.
       I have left their streets deserted,
       with no one passing through.
       Their cities are destroyed;
       no one will be left—no one at all.

 ⁷ I said to the city,
       ´Surely you will fear me
       and accept correction!´
       Then her dwelling would not be cut off,
       nor all my punishments come upon her.
       But they were still eager
       to act corruptly in all they did.

 ⁸ Therefore wait for me," declares the LORD,
       "for the day I will stand up to testify. ^[a]
       I have decided to assemble the nations,
       to gather the kingdoms
       and to pour out my wrath on them—
       all my fierce anger.
       The whole world will be consumed
       by the fire of my jealous anger.

 ⁹ "Then will I purify the lips of the peoples,
       that all of them may call on the name of the LORD
       and serve him shoulder to shoulder.

 ¹⁰ From beyond the rivers of Cush ^[b]
       my worshipers, my scattered people,
       will bring me offerings.

 ¹¹ On that day you will not be put to shame
       for all the wrongs you have done to me,
       because I will remove from this city
       those who rejoice in their pride.
       Never again will you be haughty
       on my holy hill.

 ¹² But I will leave within you
       the meek and humble,
       who trust in the name of the LORD.

 ¹³ The remnant of Israel will do no wrong;
       they will speak no lies,
       nor will deceit be found in their mouths.
       They will eat and lie down
       and no one will make them afraid."

 ¹⁴ Sing, O Daughter of Zion;
       shout aloud, O Israel!
       Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
       O Daughter of Jerusalem!

 ¹⁵ The LORD has taken away your punishment,
       he has turned back your enemy.
       The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you;
       never again will you fear any harm.

 ¹⁶ On that day they will say to Jerusalem,
       "Do not fear, O Zion;
       do not let your hands hang limp.

 ¹⁷ The LORD your God is with you,
       he is mighty to save.
       He will take great delight in you,
       he will quiet you with his love,
       he will rejoice over you with singing."

 ¹⁸ "The sorrows for the appointed feasts
       I will remove from you;
       they are a burden and a reproach to you. ^[c]

 ¹⁹ At that time I will deal
       with all who oppressed you;
       I will rescue the lame
       and gather those who have been scattered.
       I will give them praise and honor
       in every land where they were put to shame.

 ²⁰ At that time I will gather you;
       at that time I will bring you home.
       I will give you honor and praise
       among all the peoples of the earth
       when I restore your fortunes ^[d]
       before your very eyes,"
       says the LORD.

You contradict yourself... All I said is that God can both show mercy, and punish. Then you said God is wrathfull. Then I said again, God also has mercy. Then you said "yes, God has both mercy and wrath", and now you are back on the "only wrath" path. Why? Are you trying to scare me or something? I don´t see the point.

Matt. 7:1 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged."

Matt 7:2-5 "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother´s eye? How can you say to your brother, ´Let me take the speck out of your eye,´ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother´s eye.  At Galilee, the Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan, Jesus was talking to the multitudes gathered there after hearing of His message and of His healings to beseech them to not become like the pharisees and hypocrites who think they are above sin.

So lemon, I believe it is safe for you to take a rest now and have some fun knowing that even Jesus did not want us judging eachother.  I am fairly sure God has got it covered!