my name is amin i am 2 months away of becomming a docter(insha Allah). i am studying in pakistan while my canim (girlfriend) is in the netherlands. both of us are born and raised in the netherlands and are sunni muslims. the problem is i am pakistani and she is turkish. my parents are ok with us getting married but i fear her parents wont be so understanding and reject my preposel. my fear is based on a past experience of her aunt who liked a turkish guy but was not allowed to marry her since he was from a different region in turky. my canim is from the black sea area.my question is if anybody can give me any advice to maximise my chances of getting permission to marry her from her parents. i am already planning on taking a turkish language course so i can prepose in turkish instead of dutch and i am working on understanding the turkish culture which i have noticed is not that different from pakistani culture (both are based on islam) please any advice would help thank you

Erick Haque here:
Well amin, love conquers all. If both of you love each other then family should not intervene. 2 choices, as soon as you go back, elope, take her away and come back after you're married and have two or three kids(the amount of kids will be your choice), second; tell her family how much you love her and all that you are putting on the table : you're a doctor and a semipro basketball player, a good dancer etc. with that in mind, you've seen more than your fair share of indian movies, do as they do
seriously, love conquers all, and she's not going to marry her family, she's going to marry you.(inshallah)

These are my sugestions:

1. Dont use any islamic word like "inşallah" etc. The pronounciation of this word (and smillar words) has a strong effect. You say the word one way and it will mean something very different.
Different pronounciations of the word "inşallah" can mean that you are strongly religious; it can mean that you are hopeful about something; it can mean that are hopeless about something; it can mean that you dont take serious what others talk; it can mean that you are having fun with others; it can mean that you have no idea about something and fibally if you use it too much it can mean that you are not very intelligent.

2. Dont mention at all about having children. This will influence them that you have already planned their doughters whole life.

3. Wearing is very important. You must wear a suit. I suggest a good quaility black suit. Also I suggest the suit should have a modern style and shouldnt be too traditionally.
Even if the parents are poor farmers a suit is a must.

4. Dont bring anything with you traditional from your culture. If you want to bring a gift you can bring chocolates.

5. Dont talk about relion when not asked.

6. You can talk in English with your girlfriend in front of the parents. You could talk about your job with the parents.

7. Never make them think you are going to live in Pakistan, but Turkia or The Netherlands is OK.

i think u had an experient...

May I ask how this will be different for a woman that is american meeting a Turkish mans parents for the first time?

merhaba..most probably your bf's family is modern so they can understand that you and he love eachother and they will join you..a tip for you;if you will meet them first time you need kiss their hand and put it your head...this shows a kind of politeness...

Thank you for that tip, I have heard that you should do that out of respect for those who are older than you. I also had a chance to watch a dvd of a friends wedding in Turkey and noticed that the bride did that to all the guests as they came to wish them well.

yes..you are good observer..

so sofar we have:
- indulge myself in the turkish culture
- dress in a suit when meeting the parents
- speak either dutch or english with my girl in fron of her parents
- try to pronounciate religious terms correctly
- when presenting a gift make sure it is not to radical for the parents such as chocolats
- make no mention of children
- and finally make no plans to live in pakistan

thank you guys so far if anybody else has any more suggestions that would greatly be appreciated.

as for aproaching your man's parents, i think it is very important indeed to show respect and your humbleness. you can do this by kissing the hand and putting it on your forehead but also by being shy and modest. lowering ones gaze when speaking to an elderly is a good example. and dressing concervativly.
learning tukish and learning more about the culture is afcourse the best suggestion i can make.

maybe this will help you.

when i was in high school i used to tutor my girl in english, so everyday i would go over to her house. this was during the period that me and my girl had just gotten together. so i would always be at my best behaviour showing my best qualities. then one day her familly came over unannounced while i was tutoring her. now i knew that in the turkish culture it is considered odd for a guy to be sitting alone with a teenage daughter so i quickly suggested that i should take her to the local library instead and continue there. you should have seen the look on her mothers face when she heard me, because she did not know how to ask me to leave, in fear of me not understanding the turkish social norms. so by showing her familly that i did understand i have made a lasting good impression and i am sure you will find your way of making yours. ohh and one more thing it also helps if you know the general geografie of turkey and a little about it's history such as who was Ata Turk and about the Ottoman Empire. this will help you understand participate in a lot of conversations.