Living - working in Turkey |
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"being presented to the family"
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| 1. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 12:12 pm |
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merhaba!
I was browsing the site reading different stories about Turkish boys and foreign girls...and I want to ask you how serious the relation should be in order for a girl to be presented to the boy`s family? Is this something ordinary (like in the western families) or "meeting the parents" and "sleeping in their house" are supposed to be something quite serious?
tesekkurler
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| 2. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 01:07 pm |
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hi
Edited (2/6/2009) by Marinka
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| 3. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 03:29 pm |
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Quoting Marinka: It is common to kiss the hand of older people and press it to your forhead. |
This is a bad idea. I don't suggest for an adult female or male to kiss anybodies hand. This tradition actually applies for children. They kiss people's hand and get some money or sweets during Bayram.
Among adults it is not very common. Only very local and too traditional families keep that one living among adults.
In small villages kissing hand means I opey your power. Kissing hand among adults is more common among villagers and farmers.
The best thing to do is to kiss cheeks with his mother, first one side and then the other. You don't actually kiss her cheek but pretend doing so. With the father you just shake hands.
If you actually kissed the father's hand and the father did let you kiss his hand you should seriously reconsider your situation. He shouldn't have let you.
The kissing hand tradition is not a good sign if you have seen it in a familiy. I would be very suspicious about that kind of familiy where I see an adult kissing another adults hand. I would think they are too traditional or conservative. The problem with these type families is that they get involved too much in relateions.
If I had a fiance and had introduced her to my mother she would never kiss my mother's hand and if she did by incident I would leave her.
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| 4. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 03:48 pm |
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I think it will show itself. When I met Kadir's parents, I was nervous too. But they are very modern people and we shook hands and kissed both cheeks. It was a bit embarrassing as in Holland we kiss three times: the first cheek gets a second kiss.
So I moved to give the third, and there was no cheek 
I would behave like you usually do. If they are open-minded people, they will understand that you don't know the cultural code, and just saying one or two things in Turkish, will show them that at least you try 
When I first met Kadir's mum, I said 'çok memnun oldum'. She smiled 'ohh so cute' gibi, so I figure this is only said when leaving
The next morning (Kadir and I got separate bedrooms and I stayed in a room with my younger sister), I offered to help with the breakfast, so she told me to cut the bread and pour the tea. Though I don't consider myself to be an adult and I'm sure that Kadir's previous girlfriends will have looked older, I'm sure his mother would never have treated them the friendly way she treated me. Kadir's parents don't speak English very well, so they spoke Turkish to me and I replied them in basic, 'mistake-full' Turkish. But I showed that I tried
I think it is all about your attitude: just be friendly and open and let them know that you really appreciate their invitation.
I agree with Erdinç.. the hand-kissing thing is really not a good idea. Before Kadir and I left the pansiyon he stayed in, the family of the owner (we became friendly with them), came to wave us goodbye. Kadir shook hands and kissed and I followed. One of the elder woman, who was a lovely, small, woman just grabbed my hand and I kissed and she put it on my forehead. So.. if someone really has the intention to do this to you, they will already probably do so 
Like Erdinç said.. I'd be warned though.. Maybe they will just smile, because they don't usually do it, but understand that you read it probably in a travel-guide.. but maybe they expected you to do so anyway. In that case..
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| 5. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 03:51 pm |
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Quoting erdinc:
If you actually kissed the father's hand and the father did let you kiss his hand you should seriously reconsider your situation. He shouldn't have let you. |
Well...maybe the father wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable or silly by taking his hand back. Knowing that this girl comes from a different culture, and she is just trying to be polite, anyone could bare such mistakes.
I do agree with you though, that if he accepted his hand to be kissed and especially if he found it normal, then he must be very conservative.
Quote: If I had a fiance and had introduced her to my mother she would never kiss my mother's hand and if she did by incident I would leave her |
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| 6. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 04:13 pm |
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There is a whole and unique way of understanding the World behind this hand kissing tradition. I don't want to talk to much on this unique way but it is sick. If my parents were the type of people who let their hands kissed by adults I would stop talking to my parents. It's too sick.
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| 7. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 04:27 pm |
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hepinize cok tesekkur ederim!
still, my question was not about hand-kissing (an interesting issue, though), but about how seriuos a relation is supposed to be when the girl meets the parents....
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| 8. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 04:30 pm |
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Quoting erdinc: If my parents were the type of people who let their hands kissed by adults I would stop talking to my parents. It's too sick. |
Erdinç, you must realize that you make a whole bunch of people wondering here now.. Can you explain us what is so sick about it? OK it might be old-fashioned, but I don't understand the "sick" part..
Would you mind explaining?
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| 9. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 04:45 pm |
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Quoting juliacernat: hepinize cok tesekkur ederim!
still, my question was not about hand-kissing (an interesting issue, though), but about how seriuos a relation is supposed to be when the girl meets the parents....
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I've been told that parents in Turkey usually don't meet for a long time. When you meet, it means you and your boyfriend are in a real serious relationship, where words as 'engagement' and 'marriage' already are well known to both of you
I think, however, that for foreign girlfriends/boyfriends, it is a different issue.
You should ask your boyfriend about these. He knows his family best! He knows how they will see the fact that they meet you in an early stage (ofcourse it is not me to judge whenever it is early or not  .
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| 10. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 04:53 pm |
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Yes I am also interested in knowing what is sick about this. My ex-boyfriend told me you do this to older people in Turkey, but he was from a traditional religious family, should this have been some sort of "sign" to me?
As when my grandfather was very sick just before he died, my b/f did this to him when he would visit. We are 25, is this odd?
Thanks
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