merhaba!

I was browsing the site reading different stories about Turkish boys and foreign girls...and I want to ask you how serious the relation should be in order for a girl to be presented to the boy`s family? Is this something ordinary (like in the western families) or "meeting the parents" and "sleeping in their house" are supposed to be something quite serious?

tesekkurler

Hi Julia,

I have some experience in being presented to a family, so i can say how it happened to me.

I knew him 5 months after he invited me to Ankara to spend New Year with him and his family. Actually i was very nervous, because we have some traditions and for any girl to be presented to a boy's family is something serious. I also asked many people about how i should behave what i should wear and what i should do and say. Here are some examples:
Some people advised me to cover my sholders and not wear shorts or skirts that show knees. (well, wearing something super sexy would be regarded as indiscent in any country i think)
Some people said that i should not start speaking unless being asked, because it is more polite than beinf a chatter box. (i didn't believe it and was right to do so)
There were of course other things that i was told, but i'd better tell you what i actually witnessed.

First of all i think that the family of my boyfirend is unique. They did not mind my staying at their house for such a family occasion as Xmas although they've never even seen me before! Secondly, they didn't mind me and my boyfriend locking up in a room and showing affection to each other when we were around them (by this i don't mean snogging or making out, we just simply hugged, kissed and behaved like any other normal couple).
Thirdly, they were incredibly hospitable. i truly believe that this is common for most of the families, but i was shocked to what extend one can be kind and caring! For example one time we were planning to leave the house when some guests came over and stayed for as long as they pleased, nobody even hinted them that it was the qwrong time to come or that it was too late. They were offered food, tea and showed that they are very welcome.
Julia, if you are planning to visit a family, i would only give you one advice. It is common to kiss the hand of older people and press it to your forhead. This is something that i couldn't get used to. Especially because it concerns both men and women.
To get a better idea of what rules there are i think you should also ask other people about their experiences, but mine is just for comparison. Hope it'll help, good luck!

I think it will show itself. When I met Kadir's parents, I was nervous too. But they are very modern people and we shook hands and kissed both cheeks. It was a bit embarrassing as in Holland we kiss three times: the first cheek gets a second kiss.
So I moved to give the third, and there was no cheek

I would behave like you usually do. If they are open-minded people, they will understand that you don't know the cultural code, and just saying one or two things in Turkish, will show them that at least you try

When I first met Kadir's mum, I said 'çok memnun oldum'. She smiled 'ohh so cute' gibi, so I figure this is only said when leaving

The next morning (Kadir and I got separate bedrooms and I stayed in a room with my younger sister), I offered to help with the breakfast, so she told me to cut the bread and pour the tea. Though I don't consider myself to be an adult and I'm sure that Kadir's previous girlfriends will have looked older, I'm sure his mother would never have treated them the friendly way she treated me. Kadir's parents don't speak English very well, so they spoke Turkish to me and I replied them in basic, 'mistake-full' Turkish. But I showed that I tried

I think it is all about your attitude: just be friendly and open and let them know that you really appreciate their invitation.

I agree with Erdinç.. the hand-kissing thing is really not a good idea. Before Kadir and I left the pansiyon he stayed in, the family of the owner (we became friendly with them), came to wave us goodbye. Kadir shook hands and kissed and I followed. One of the elder woman, who was a lovely, small, woman just grabbed my hand and I kissed and she put it on my forehead. So.. if someone really has the intention to do this to you, they will already probably do so

Like Erdinç said.. I'd be warned though.. Maybe they will just smile, because they don't usually do it, but understand that you read it probably in a travel-guide.. but maybe they expected you to do so anyway. In that case..

There is a whole and unique way of understanding the World behind this hand kissing tradition. I don't want to talk to much on this unique way but it is sick. If my parents were the type of people who let their hands kissed by adults I would stop talking to my parents. It's too sick.

hepinize cok tesekkur ederim!

still, my question was not about hand-kissing (an interesting issue, though), but about how seriuos a relation is supposed to be when the girl meets the parents....

Yes I am also interested in knowing what is sick about this. My ex-boyfriend told me you do this to older people in Turkey, but he was from a traditional religious family, should this have been some sort of "sign" to me?

As when my grandfather was very sick just before he died, my b/f did this to him when he would visit. We are 25, is this odd?
Thanks