A man with no arms and no legs is sat on a towel on the beach.

3 beautiful women are walking past and the first one says "poor thing, have you ever been kissed?"   He said no so she kissed him and walked off.    The second woman said to him "poor thing, have you ever been hugged?"  He said no so she hugged him and walked off.

The third woman says to him "poor thing, have you ever been f*ck*d?"  He said no so she replied and said:  "Well you are going to be now - the tides coming in!"

An Irish woman was admitted to hospital complaining about pain after having phone sex.

Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.

No Siemen was found........

Al Qeada have been putting explosives into cans of alphabet spagetti.......

If one goes off it could spell disaster........

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn´t work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It´s hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn´t surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don´t mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully, 

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm........

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick come on the bus.

Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol

REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media.

The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.

"It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft´s Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems´ trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java., when it occurred to us that there are no countries named ´ActiveX.´ We tossed around the idea of changing the name of ´ActiveX´ to ´Chile´ or ´Brazil´ -- which also help distance it from the recently-uncovered security holes -- when someone joked that we´d save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we just trademarked the trademark symbol."

Schexnader continued, "Initially, we all laughed -- but one look at Bill´s face, and we knew we´d be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark Office in the morning."

Microsoft hasn´t wasted any time enforcing the new trademark. According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft´s Ministry of Litigation and Law Enforcement, "Use of the ´tm´ symbol will now be restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic Church."

But companies wishing to use the ´(tm)´ symbol will not be left out in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new symbol, ´(tMS)´, to replace the now-restricted ´(tm)´ symbol.

"Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free," states Goldberg, "though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use in the future."

Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, "Apple Computer developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten years ago," but refused to give any details on the exact nature of the lawsuit.

No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for comment Tuesday.

I´ve just come back from an appointment with a fortune teller........

She told me alot of money would be coming my way.......I left very excited and immediately got hit by a Securicor van........