Helo Friends,

I am in a turmoil. I just dont know how to handle my situation and hence seek advise from Turkish friends. My story may sound strange to a lot of you but please read on....

I am a married Indian woman, aged 45 years. I have a good husband and a son aged 18. 4 years ago I met this Turkish Man on chat. He is 56 years old and also married for the last 34 years. He has a grown up son and a married daughter. What started as fun chat for me (and him as he says) has now turned into a serious romance. We talk to each other everyday, chat and also send sms. For the last 2 years I have been telling him to plan a holiday to India. He also has said he wants to come. However, twice he had told me he is coming and both times it did not work. Now again he has said he will come and then suddenly last week he told me that Indian food may not suit him so he does not want to come but instead we should both meet in another country, maybe UK. I was very sad & upset and told him he should not have given me hopes if he knew all along he was not coming. When he found I was upset & sad, he told me he will come, but not now as he has to complete a job assignment. After the assignment is over, he promises to come.

What do you feel ? Do you think this man is as serious as I am about this romance or is he just playing around with my emotions? I am so confused. More so because I am not the kind of person for an extra marital affair, yet I dont have any guilt when it comes to loving this man. Please help me. I am in desperate need for advise. Should I continue this relation and wait in hopes of his assignment being over and then believe that he will come or should I just say it is useless and forget everything about him?

I know he loves me but I dont know why the hesitation from his side. Please please please help me !

Jessica

this is a little more complicated then just is he serious or not. how is your relationship with your husband? and how is the guy's relationship with his wife? we can guess it must be bad, but...

Dear Jessica, I am sure that the feelings you two have for each other are strong but don't forget that Internet environment is not the natural environment where feelings and love can develop in the way we all want them to....and sometimes people don't show there who they really are. There no recipes for such situations, I guess that you will come up with a good idea and I wish you luck!

dear jessica,

hi! when i read your story, i am pretty much shocked. You see, i am 23 years old married since 2000 and have a 4 year old daughter. Exactly August last year, my husband left me for another woman he just met 6 months before that very day that he told me he will leave me. when i heard this, i was totally devastated. their love story much like you and this turkish guy. the only difference is that she is not married and they met in the company where my ex husband is new employee that time. the first person that came to my mind is our daughter. i didn't thought about myself, i even beg him not to leave me even it's his fault for the sake of our kid. but he left me anyway. i am left with anger and hate. hate to myself because i felt that i let other person take what belongs to me.

i felt guilty, why? because i feel that i am a part in destroying my daughter's right to live happily in a complete family. i could not understand how my ex could have done what he did. i think it's selfish just because he feels that he is happy with this girl. i could never be happy with anybody knowing that a lot of people will be hurt. i cannot smile while otners are crying because of waht i have done. i am sorry to tell all these things to you but i wanna ask you, are you really ready to face all the consequences that this relationship will bring to you in the future? think about your son, think about all the people involve, put your place in your turkish man's wife or in any person's shoes that would be affected by your actions? how would it feel?

i hope i did not make it more confusing to you..i just wanted you to figure out how does it feel to be in my situation. may God help you make the right decision!!!

Jessica: Reading point of view: An outsider looking in!

He is making too many excuses. It is prolonging your life needlessly. He is happy to continue your internet attention.
Remember, if you met up with him, you probably wouldn't have the same relationship as sitting behind a computer.

Thank you all my well wishers who have taken time out to read my problem and reply to me. Most of what you all have told me is also what I agree with. I just dont know what to do but I earnestly each one of you (if u care) please remember me in your prayers and ask God to show me the way. I have tried several times to be away from this relation but he keeps calling me and sending mails and this makes me weak and once more I get back into it all. I just keep praying that I can ignore him. Maybe things would have been easy if he would also ignore me when I am out of touch. The fact that he keeps calling & mailing me,makes me feel that he really loves me and he too tells me this. I know mine is a very strange and also silly kind of relation to understand and I have also told him so, but he keeps convincing me that this is true love. I hate myself at times to think how I can be into all this but I guess if I knew the answer then I would back off. Anyways all I request to all of you, who read my story, please pray that I can find the right way to this relationship. I am the last person who would want to spoil any other life for my own selfishness but I do love this man so much. God help me !

Jessica my heart goes out to you. Sometimes feelings get in the way and one can't help fall for someone despite ones circumstances. I don't believe love has to be mutually exclusive, but that's just me! We are in a world that is very stuck in old traditions and judgements. You are brave to post this up!

I read a statistic that around 65% of marriages will see one of the partners having an affair - very sad really. And very very telling.

I can't say what your Turkish man is doing here it does seem a bit worrying. But 4 years has been a long time. It seems you both love each other very much emotionally. I suspect he is finding it difficult to juggle his wife and you?

There is another way forward here that does not bow to the conventional 'affairs' notion. Affairs always seem to end up hurting everyone concerned.

Is it possible for you to speak to your husband about this? And for your friend to speak to his wife? Sometimes it is not especially if there is little love in the relationship or he has an inflexible highly traditional approach to life. However if there is love there then it may be possible. Perhaps an open relationship can happen that is at least honest and without all the lies and secret deceits of affairs. We are living in a world that has changed a lot and the old business of loving only one person monogamously is not for all people. Relationships can be redefined but I think honesty & integrity is 100% essential.
Dual or multiple relationships are very hard work - as you yourself are discovering (even when honesty is involved and all parties know what is going on) but they can work and work very well benefiting and bringing joy to all involved.
They are often a very much better option than the trauma and sadness of divorce. Contrary to what people believe it often involves loving selflessly and being willing to make compromises all round.

I'm sure many people percieve those in multiple relationships as selfish. I can see their point it is terrible when woman are abandoned on a whim and children get hurt in the process. This is the outcome of many affairs and it's a shame. But sometimes it is not to do with an affair so much as a nasty type of person.
There are people who have left a partner for another but who still care for their children and ex very well.


People who have multiple partners are especially loving and have the capacity to love each person in the relationship as an individual in their own right with no comparisons drawn.
This is why it comes as a great big shock to them to discover they are capable of loving other people with no guilt!

There is a word that decribes relationships with multiple partners - 'Polyamory.' There is info on the web. Please look and see if this might not be a better option than an affair for you, your husband and your friend.

Take care. If you need to pm me you are welcome.
I wish you the best.