My boyfriend's father has cancer. It has spread to his bones, and the doctor said yesterday he might, at best, have two to three months to live. (He is young-only 60. ) There is a chance I will be in Istanbul for the funeral.

I don't know how I should respond. Of course I will talk to my boyfriend, but I need to understand what happens when someone dies. What are the rites? How should I dress? What are the rituals I should be prepared for?

His parents are pretty conservative Muslims, but accept me with Omer.

I just need understanding about how death is viewed, and any helpful suggestions about how I should act, and what I should expect.

Thank you,
Christine

first i think its so easry to talk about this topic now,,, the man is stell alife and who know may be u or me or any one die before him ,,,,no one know who die first.
here in egyppt we say : death comes suddenly.
and also may be your guy when he see u talk about his father death although he is stell life he might get sad ,, i know how turkish think.

heyyyyyyy , what is most important thing more than what to wear is that: tyr to tell your boy freind to ask hisfather to pray more and read more qurran because as u said he is about to pass so i hope he have good end.

I understand. I didn't mean to be disrespectful. I pray every day, and so does he.. I am just trying to understand something that I guess one cannot understand. I think we are both scared, and sometimes, you focus on the superficial things you can control, when really noone has control of any of this.

thank you for your thoughtful response.
christine

Dear Christine,

Death is death every where,its same,but the difference here is people respond to it
As you can tell,Türk are emotional people,well comparing to Westerns i mean
So you can guess how would they respond,it would be very devastating
They would cry,and cry loud too,and maybe more 'even they shouldn't'
But usually men hide their feelings a bit in this part,but they feel same inside,some of them show it,and personally i guess that is better for them,and some hide it,and that is the hard thing

Another thing,by now,i guess you maybe understand family ties are very strong there
And to a son, father is more than just a father,he is an old friend too,which he can take advice and share with him,along with being a father too

So i am afraid that is going to be strong

My advice,that you stick beside your man, and be patient,he would be very stressed now,and he really need a shoulder to run to it,even he he may not ask
So he might be a bit nervous,and a bit angry,mad

You understand all of those,specially from what i read you are a teacher,its his anger from the situation,so you really need to have patient,and let him feel you are there with him no matter what

And if it happen'ALLAH Forbidden'he would need your shoulders to cry on,and i hope you manage to make him bring out his sorrow,which would be really great

Last advice,and sry that was long one

You said the are conservative Muslims

We have a believe in İslam,that is when a person dies,nothing anyone can do will help him there,except his good work,but his good work ofcourse will end when he pass,i mean he cann't make more good works,so he won't be benefit from it,except from 3 things are very useful for a died person

A good son, would keep praying for him son'kids,not meant only son,a daughter or even people who loves him'
A good work keep on going under his name,
And.... i don't remember the third thing
İ will ask and tell you

But as long as he has a good and he pray for him,this prayers will be helpful to him

Another thing,if you can do something good,useful to people,in his name
Anyone got a benefit from this thing,he will be rewarded for it

Example to make myself clear,

İf for instant,you give money regularly to a poor people,in his name,he will have the benefit from it there

İf you make a free water supply in the street,for thirsty people to drink from it,with each one he use it,the died person will have benefit of it,even he already died

Even if you plant a tree,as long as it is alive,he will continue to have benefit out of it

So mainly,you can see people while visiting the graves,they bring some plants and try to grow it there,or bring some plants which can live a long while

And so on...


Ohhh,and another thing,you can cry ofcourse,but better not cry with a high sound 'it shouldn't' because it could hurt the died person,he died yes,but they still can feel us

And mostly,when they put him in the grave yard,they stay with him for a while,maybe hour or more,its better for him too,and read Quran there,well not just better,but very very good to do this tho

İ hope that would be useful to you,if i remembered something else,i would tell you,and please feel free to ask

Hope ALLAH be with him and support him,and all his family ,amin

Yes Yusuf,thank You

İf he was a writer,a scientist,or something like that,and left material,knowledge,or something like that
People can read,and gain benefit out of it

I am very sorry to hear about your boy friends father.
I deal with terminally ill on a daily basis.
There are three phases you will see.
1. Denial shock anger
2. Guilt
3. Acceptance

My best advice is to embrace this person here and now so there will be no what if's or I should have told him.

As far as traditions go I know nothing

Noela

hi cristine,
that was very sad to hear my dear..
you know what, i have also an experience a bit like
where you are now..
it did happen last 2004, my ex boyfriend's mom
had a colon cancer (i dont know if i say it right)
but that time really one of the hardest days of my
life too.. The time they found out that his mom was illed,
he doesnt talk to me that much anymore..
i even call him everyday, but he was so upset
and he doesnt want to speak with anybody, including me
his girlfriend.. this really hurts me a lot.. and i would
like to know really what should i do just to comfort him,
when in fact he never cares of anybody that time..
of course, i understand how painful it is for him..
but it is painful on my side, too..
i cry everytime he rejected my call or refuse to see me..
all i want is ti give him support but he really can take
anyone's advice, he's really a stranger that days..
i decided to gave him some time..
i let him alone so he would make up his mind..
i send him sms everyday, with my comforting words..
he never reply at least once, and that's fine..
i understand him.. it took 3 months until his mom
had passed away.. i went to funeral and the burial..
i saw how hard it is for him.. would you ever believe,
he never cry for the 4days funeral, not even a single tear
from him but all i can see was the saddest eyes ever..
and on the burial, the moment his mom was putting under,,
i saw how he cried.. i cried as i saw him in vain..
her mom is so close to me too and so i cried much too..
after that, i hugged him tight and told him that i
will still be here no matter what..
girl, comfort her and that is the best thing to do..
show him how you care about him..
everything will be fine soon..