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My Istanbul Dream

by Myra (12/5/2006)

My Istanbul Dream

My story starts in South Africa. I was just discharged from hospital after a serious spinal operation and the warning from the doctor - now stay at home and lay down for the next 4 months.

I entered my home and I felt so hopeless, vulnerable and with a lot of pain and effort I made it to my couch – to lay my trembling body down.

 

One month ago - my world came to a halt when I woke up one morning to prepare to go to work. I tried to get up and use my legs to walk but this was impossible. I felt this pain from my foot right up my leg and hip - and into my brain – I laid down again and covered myself with a blanket to keep my body warm . . . . . .later the same day I was rushed to hospital.

 

I look at the big clock on the wall – and it seems like even time was going to stop for me. I looked around the room - nobody there - everybody busy working – it is just me and the walls, pain and my thoughts. My friends decided to bring me a computer and connect me to the internet – so I can at least have contact with the outside world.

 

I spent most of my time searching the web – visiting chat rooms meeting people . . . and this is how I met Ahmet (lets give him this name for obvious reasons).

 

Every morning I would connect onto the internet to see my friends online – and especially this one person Ahmet – he was always waiting for me to sign on. My hopeless situation changed as he brought some hope and life into my lonely world. My pain became bearable as he filled my empty days with his company. I became addicted to Ahmet and his soothing words – as if he was actually sitting next to me in the room. He would even send me his prayers – asking Allah-God to heal me – and for our Matchmaker to help us get together soon !!!

 

After some time – some weeks I think - he declared his feelings and we started to dream about the day I would be healthy enough to fly to Turkey and meet him in person.

 

Ahmet would send me poems like these :

All my life I’ve waited
Floating, dreaming, wishing
For the day when you would come my way
That day has come
My heart flutters at the sound of your voice
My hands shake as I reach to touch your face
In heaven there can only be a better place
Soaring through the clouds
The wind beating at my skin
Breathing heavy, feeling numb
You’re all I need, my number one

 

another one:

My senses are genuine.. all I truly know is what I feel...the melody of my heart
that sails through the seas of my soul,
and carries wind with the pledge of my love to you...
the wind that caresses me gently in the ambience of eternity...

 

Ahmet told me about his passion to help other people – and that I should find South African companies prepared to give large sums of loans for building projects. I was surprised when he repeated his request – and I asked him why he and his friends cannot manage their own finance in Turkey. I do not know how and where to start finding finance for them in South Africa.

 

I should have read between the lines – and see the warning lights but my dream to meet this very ‘romantic’ lover and to see Istanbul somehow overshadowed the little voice inside me. I wanted to meet this seriously devoted lover who keeps on sending me the most beautiful poems as we started and ended our days and nights on the internet – while he keeps on sending me his romantic letters –telling me how he felt hopelessly in love with me. This is such a wonderful feeling – Ahmet really loves me!

 

Sometimes I find myself willing to do anything
That’s just a piece of you my darling
When you will be near we'll enjoy the time.
I realize we need each other more than ever.
I’m out of control and all I want is to love you.
I need and want only you

If only I could hold you in my arms
and have you next to me charms
Maybe this aching that I feel for u
would finally set me free loving u

I stand here waiting...
praying to finally be by your side
Oh God ...please help...
help me learn how to survive!

 

It was a lovely sunny day in October when I arrived at Istanbul airport. Ahmet was there to meet me and he gave me 2 red roses and took me into his arms and kissed me on my cheeks. At last – we were together !

 

I keep on looking at the face of this man standing in front of me. He looks different and strange – and not the same person I imagined from the internet. My brain could not put Ahmet from the internet together with this man.

 

I look into his eyes – searching for the warm love – but there was nothing – his eyes were ice cold and empty as they stare down mine. Oh stop this . . . I talk to myself. “Give it some time – u are just feeling tired now – soon everything will be just fine”

 

On our arrival at the hotel – Ahmet handed me the bill for the double room he had booked! Rather shocked but still not showing any emotions in front of the hotel manager – I paid for the room with my credit card.

 

Ahmet waited in our room as I took my first shower in Istanbul. I spent the night on the aircraft as we were flying from South Africa – and the warm refreshing water flowing over my body made me feel refreshed again.

 

When I finally stepped outside the bathroom - Ahmet made love to me for the rest of the afternoon!! I was still trying to come to terms with this stranger in my room – but I told myself – this is what we were both been waiting for the past 4 months.

 

The next few days we explored Istanbul.

 

I fell in love with this friendly city and its people. Strangers go out of their way to make a visitor feel welcome. Many times we were invited into the colorful carpet shops for apple tea and then Ahmet would proudly introduce me as his future wife. He would say – “she is under my umbrella and blanket for my protection”

 

Ahmet suggested we take a trip with the luxury liner to Mudanya and Bursa for a weekend. Again I paid for everything including all the meals that we enjoyed since I arrived in Istanbul. Although I enjoyed the trip by sea to Mudanya and the surrounding area – the reality slowly became clear to me. The voice inside me started to warn me again – something is wrong.

 

It was our first evening in the beautiful Mudanya and we were sitting outside our hotel room on the balcony overlooking the harbor. The Russian ships were busy offloading their precious scrap metal for melting purposes in Mudanya. Ahmet was constantly talking about the finance he urgently needs for ‘his’ projects. He was spoiling this beautiful evening as he continued talking about these projects. Eventually I told him that I was in no position to arrange finance from South Africa – in fact I had no idea where to start. He became serious and insisted that I should find finance soon. I told him that he was asking something impossible from me – the same thing if he would instruct me to pilot those Russian ships back to Russia . . . . . impossible and we would all perish at sea.

 

Then the real man emerged!!!! He became very upset with me – saying that he was looking for an obedient wife – not a small minded person like me – he is actually looking for a business woman . . . . . and I do not fit the picture anymore !!

 

The romantic dream suddenly broke and fell to the ground in a million pieces. The reality slowly took momentum in my mind and heart – as I felt the tears running down my face! This was all just a fantasy . . . a dream . . . wrapped in a paper bag called a lie !! This man was not in love with me – he had a motive – money !

 

I still remember the wonderful days in Istanbul and the Sultanamed area – and the drummer that woke me at 04:45 in the morning – when everybody was reminded of the Ramadaan. I remember those prayers (from the Mosque across the road from the hotel), that went out daily as my broken heart and soul joined in harmony – praying to Allah-God – as I tried to come to terms with the very sad ending of my Istanbul dream.

 





Tiara, veromcm, ziba and Unmei-de-Lange liked this essay

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