Istanbul - Story of Love and Hearthache

by arogdoma (4/13/2005)

My Poignant Love Story

The first time I saw Deger was at a hotel in Bostanci where I was staying. The date was 02 January 2004, a date I will never forget. She was standing at the front-desk dressed in her uniform, wearing glasses.... looking very proper and business-like. I saw her, saw her smile, and immediately knew that this girl was the girl I wanted to be with forever. I did not know if she had a boyfriend or was married, and I was hoping that she was unattached. But I was thinking that such a beautiful girl could not be unattached. I could not stop staring at her and was glad that she did not see me because then she would have noticed the stupid look on my face. The look that a 16 year boy has on his face the first time he falls in love. I wanted to speak to her, even just greet her, but I was very afraid. I was shy, I could not believe this. Everytime I walked past the front-desk I looked out for her, but I did not see her again. The one time that I saw her at the front-desk I decided that I must say something to her so that she will at least notice me. I went up to the front-desk with an excuse that my access card was not working. As I approached Deger another girl (Tugba) at the front-desk called me to help me. But I just managed to get a look at her name tag and noticed the name Deger on it. This was a start at least.

 

I was not aware that at night when I requested a wake-up call that it was Deger that I was speaking to. The next night I was at the bar in the hotel having dinner when I noticed Deger come in. I immediately got up and went towards the bar and greeted her. She smiled at me and greeted me in return. I knew then for sure that I was in love with her and that no other girl or woman could ever make me change my feelings for her. The next evening I saw her again standing at the front desk. I was leaving the bar after dinner and was going towards the elevator. She saw me and she smiled. I smiled shyly and then put my head down. I looked up again and I could not believe... she was still smiling at me. From that moment on I knew that Deger was mine, forever. I would do whatever it took to get her into my life and make her part of my soul. I went back to my room and a little later called for a wake-up request. It was Deger who I was speaking to. I could not believe and I immediately put the phone down. Eventually, after a few minutes I got enough courage to call again. This time I asked if it was her, Deger on the phone. She said yes, and I was even more shocked when she knew that it was me, Fique, calling her. I had to ask her out and I did, to my surprise. She ofcourse said she had to think about it, but it was good enough for me. A few minutes later my phone rang, and it was Deger calling me. I was expecting her to say that she had decided not to go out with me. But she asked me two questions, "Are you Muslim?" and "Are you married?". I was in heaven because I knew that she asked these questions because she was interested in me. The next night I called her again to find out if she had decided to go out with me. She said that she had not thought about it yet. I was disappointed, very disappointed. She said that I must give her my phone number and she will call me the next day. I instead asked her for her number and told her that I will call her but she must "Please, please go out with me, at least once". The next day I called her and WOWWWWW, she said that she will meet me at a restaurant in the evening. That day I could not wait for the evening and was swearing and cursing the way time seemed to drag on forever.

 

Wednesday 06 January 2004, evening arrived at last and I took a taxi and went to the restaurant where she told me to meet her. I got out of the taxi and as I walked up the stairs towards the restaurant, I see the most beautiful girl in the world with the most beautiful smile on her face coming out to meet me. We shake hands.... I actually made contact with her, touched her. We went in and sat at the table and order somethings to eat. I do not remember the food I order, but I know I could not eat because of nervousness. I could not remember the conversation we had. Everything went in a blur, a few hours of time that I wish I could capture and place in history for everyone to see and know. The next 3 hours went by in a flash. Deger had to go back home. I offered to take her home but she refused. She would take a bus. I waited with her at the bus stop and when the bus arrived, we shook hands and she left. Later that night I called her and we spoke on the phone. Of course I asked her out again, and she agreed to this. The next evening we met again this time at Divan restaurant. This time I was more comfortable and I believe that our conversation was more mature. Again the time past very quickly. She had to leave. Deger was going to spend the night at her friend's home. I offered to drop her off with a taxi and she agreed to this. I remember in the taxi she was saying that her hands were ice cold. I tried to feel them and she let me only for a few seconds and immediately pulled her hands away, at the same time going red in the face. We arrived at her friends home and I got out of the taxi with her. I offered to shake her hands but this time she said that she will kiss me. And she did on either side of my face. Boy, was I in heaven then....

 

The next night I was leaving for home and we had decided to meet again just before I left. During the afternoon I received a message from Deger saying that she had to attend a meeting after her normal work hours. She would call me when she was finished. The evening was approaching and still no call. I was thinking that she was not interested in me after all and was just making an excuse not to see me again. I cannot explain how devastated I felt then. But eventually she sent a message telling that she was finised with the meeting and that she would wait for me at the taxi station next to the hotel. I left the office in a flash and went to the hotel. As I walked towards the taxi station I saw her standing there. She saw me and came running to me with this gorgeous smile on her face, and she hugged me the way lovers do but only in movies. It is difficult for me to describe the sensations that ran through my body, the emotions that flowed through my entire being when this happened. We then got into a taxi and went to Carrefourre for a very quick meal because I had to leave for the airport. I remember as we stood on the escalator I put my arm around her and she felt very uncomfortable about this. It was time for me to leave to the airport and I was crushed. We stood outside in the rain hugging each other so tightly, not wanting to let go, as if this was the last time we would be together again. I went to the airport and eventually to Jeddah. I was planning to be back in Istanbul again only on 8th February. This meant one month without seeing the girl I wanted for the rest of my life. The month went very slowly, very painfully. We spoke on the phone quite a lot. We got to know each other more. I opened myself to her and told her things about me that no one, or very few people knew. Both of us fell more and more deeply in love with each other.

 

Saturday, 08th February 2004, eventually arrived. I was at Istanbul airport and my love was outside waiting for me. I saw her and walked towards her. She did not see me and walked right past me. I called out to her, I saw that smile of hers. We hugged each other very briefly because she was still uncomfortable in public. We went to Gloria Jean's at the airport and had coffee. Most of the time we just smiled at each other, in a very silly way I think. We then left to my hotel in a taxi. We held hands, and smiled more, like two adolescents. I checked in to the hotel and then we went out. Deger took me to the seaside area of Fenerbahce and Moda. We were sitting at the seaside and I kissed her for the first time on her lips. She was surprised and I think a little shocked. It was very clear that she was not comfortable kissing in public. Later we were sitting at a cafe and drinking coffee and I surprised her again with a kiss on her lips. Again she went red. I am not sure if I was doing things too quickly but in my culture and country these things happen very naturally, even in public. But I did not understand the Turkish culture and more particularly, I did not know Deger's values and morals. I knew then that she had to be mine. This girl was innocent and pure and I would belong to her. I would love her, I would care for her, and I would devote my life to her.

 

The next few days passed quickly once again. I went to her house and met her beautiful mother. I know now that when Deger is older she would still be beautiful. Maybe even more beautiful than she is now because she looks very much like her mother.

 

During that week it snowed very heavily and roads were closed. I stayed many days and nights at Deger's home. It was unbelievable. This was my family, my wife and my mother. These two people meant so much to me, more than any one else, ever.

 

Time passed very quickly. Deger wanted to marry me, be my wife. How lucky a guy I was. And I wanted to marry her, more than anything else in the world. But there was a problem. Should I marry her knowing very well that I am dying? Yes, I am dying because of blood clots in my brain which was sustained during a car accident. Deger knew about this and she even saw a few times the excrutiating pain I suffered due to blood pressure on the brain. Even sometimes I lost track of where I was, who I was with. But she did not know I was dying. She did not know that at anytime the blood clots may erupt and haemmorage my brain. She does not know that as everyday passes by her Bitanem, her Hayattin, her Askim is dying.

 

What do I do? Marry her and make her a widow? Or leave her now so that she does not have to suffer the consequences of losing her love tragically?