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This May Be True

by waiting_in_vain (7/3/2008)

This May Actually Be True

Two years ago, I graduated college from a top notch University. What I learned from my experience from then on is that, life doesn'y depend on what University I came from, or whether my parents is rich, or how smart a person is, life is unpredictable. Everything was well planned, from the place I want to work, to the curtains I'll have on my new place when I move out of my parents' house. But actually, my parents are hardly seen at home, they are based in another country, but I'm not totally lonely. I have friends and relatives who takes care of me. Due to my parents' usual absence, they shower me with all their money can buy. so when I decided to get serious with my life, I asked my Dad if I could go for a little holiday alone, before I start my own journey with life and the hardships of earning a living. Fortunately, he said yes to me.


I was so happy that day, and I decided to go out because I felf quite impulsive to buy something for my trip.  Actually, I was planning to go to Japan.  I went to a bookshop and looked for a travelling book.  I stared at the shelf, and I regret that I went there, because I became more confuse to where will I go. So, instead I got this magazine that I buy monthly just for the sake of buying something.


Went home, had dinner, watched the news on tv, had a shower, and I opened the magazine.  An article on that issuse tackles about Turkey, travelling to Turkey actually. 

 I'm not totally ignorant about Turkey, for starters, I have always been fascinated with Turkey.  For some reason I don't know.  Yeah, may I know the reason, but I guess, there are too many inter-twined reasons for that.  so why not travel to Turkey?


A week after, I arrived in Istanbul on an afternoon.  I was so tired from the trip, I decided to just doze off, I have less than 2 weeks to stay.  It was freezing. I managed to get myself to sleep. For a person who doesn't like sleeping much, I woke up exactly 4 hours after. and it was only 10:00pm.  I found it great, coz I didn't "waste" time dozing off.  Straight from the elevator, I headed to the information clerk, and I asked if they have a map or something they could give to tourists.  They handed me with one.



Went out of the hotel, and I started to walk.  After few minutes of senseless walking, I took a cab and I asked if the driver could bring me to somewhere there are dance clubs.  The driver brought me to Bodrum.  I went to a bar that seems to play house music.  I stepped in and headed to the bar, I ordered a vodka.  I seated there, patiently waiting for something to happen as I watched the crowd dance.  I'm not bored at all. It just a habit I share with my friends, that we usually start to "party" at around 11pm or 12am.


I began to feel the beat and I started to feel that I'm part of the crowd when the alcohol kicked in.  So I decided to check my mobile before I start to go to the crowd of fun.  While I was replying to my friends' messages, a group of men approached the bar.  I think they are college students from nearby city who went to Istanbul for the weekend.  JUst by the looks of, they do look like they are students.  The look of "having fun while they can" look. One of them sat beside me.  He accidentally bumped me which caused me to drop my mobile.  He picked up my phone and handed it to me. And he said something..maybe it's a "sorry". I really don't know..I can't speak Turkish at all.  I just smiled. Busy again with my mobile,  he some sort of asked me something, and I answered back in English, and I said, "I'm sorry, I can't speak Turkish", and I smiled.  He looked he seemed to understand what I meant. Then he faced his group again, as I prepared myself for the night of fun. As I walked myself to the crowd, he walked towards me, and he said "my English is not so good, can I ask you something?" and I nodded, as an affirmation.  "Are you a tourist?" I nodded again.  "I'm K ( for the purpose of anonimity, I'll just use initials), I'm with my friends. Who are you with?" I said,"I'm alone." And he said, "Oh, I see, you can join us. If you want?"  without even thinking I said yes.  Not that I usually do this, I don't really go out with people I don't really know.  I'm always surrounded by my friends, and now that I'm all alone, it seems that I needed to be with a group.But the thing is, they are all boys and I'm a girl.  Nothing seems to be a problem, they are very nice and we partied the night away, but I stayed away from alcohol,but I enjoyed.  When it is about 3:30 am, I told them I had to go.  K insisted to walk me out of the bar, I said ok.  Actually , it was kinda sweet of him to do that.  When we were outside, waiting for a cab, he asked me my name, so I introduced myself formally.  "I'm A, I'm 23, I from *.  I'm here for a holiday.  I needed some break. And you?"  He said he is 21, still in college and taking up engineering. I asked him if he is actually from Istanbul, but he said no. He's just there for the weekend with some friends. He asked if I'm with a travelling tour, and I said that I'm not.  We talked for 15 minutes, without even noticing the cabs that are passing.  He offered to go with me as I tour some parts of Istanbul.  I said yes, are friends coming? He thought for a while, and said "no, they are not coming." In some short while of silence.. I broke it by asking if we could meet somewhere, or have breakfast, he agreed to meet me in a nearby fastfood near my hotel.  He accompanied me and we said our goodnights at the lobby.

 I headed to my room. Thinking deep, that maybe he thinks that I'm easy coz I went to party with people I don't know, or what does he actually think about me.  Or maybe people are here are just nice to tourists.  I wasn't attracted to him, he seemed nice, he is cute, but I don't feel any attraction.



He toured me to places in Istanbul.  I enjoyed every single place of it.  But I wasn't really paying attention, I feel uneasy coz he was really nice and a gentleman.  It's weird that I felt uneasy, maybe because we don't have the same nationality.  We spend the weekend together.  We had a dinner before he went back to the university. I still had 3 days staying in Istanbul.  It felt like centuries of torture.  It's not that I don't like the place.  It's his absence that makes me unusually "empty".


We traded our email addresses.  As soon as I got back in my city.  I was able to have a chat with him. on daily basis, we talk about just about anything.  As reality snapped back, I told him I could no longer talk to him regularly.  Coz I have to get a job and try to be independent.  He signed out.  I tried to be online as often as possible, for few days, but I have to go back to where I left myself.  About a week after our last talk, he was online.  I waited for him to talk to me first.  He said he is sorry, and he was just drunk the last time we talked, and he bagun to tell me things.  That he likes me a lot, that he wants to be with me, that he stays up till morning just to talk to me. And he is getting sick because of it. He said, we can no longer be like that.  coz he has to go back to a normal life. I agreed.  I stupidly agreed.



 Weeks passed, and I soon "forgot" about him.  Back to my normal self, busy doing job related stuff.  I decided to check email.  I was flooded by offline messages from him, asking me if am I avoiding him, that he is beginning to worry how I am, that he is taking back what he said, and he said we could try and be ok of being "friends".  I emailed him and explained that I was just busy, and I havent been online since.



From then on, we became some sort of a couple. Yes, I know it's soooooooo stupid, having a long distance relationship with I spent just 2 days.  But, what can I do, I seem to fall for him, he's just too sweet.  He would let me the snow falling, the bruise that he had, and he plays the guitar so I could sleep. We were too old for such childish puppy love.  But the whole process of starting to fall, falling inlove, being inlove, is too good to  refuse.


All of a sudden, he bagan not to communicate with me.  So, I waited. But I gave up after 3 days. I went online again for the last time, he was on.  He said, his ex want to get back together.  And what we have is just a "dream", I too far.  and all of our issues  suddenly became BIG issues.  So why would I push myself to a person, who didn't want me any longer I agreed not to talk to him any longer.



Once in a great while...I go online for the 24 hours and see if he signs in.  He does, everytime.  He doesn't really talk to me, or should I say, chat.  He just call, and sees if I answer.  I do answer.  And I just stare at him and do nothing. Then he hangs up.


I really don't know what he really wants. I don't know what goes on in his mind.  But, I really like him, I do love him.  I hate to admit it.  I'm too scared to say it even to myself.  And all the while now, I've been trying so hard to understand his culture, his language, his religion.  Everything about him.  Except, him.  Maybe, in time..we actually are meant to be together.  For now, I'm enjoying learning about Turkey, the culture, the people, the government, Islam.  Not to prove him wrong that it was an issue.  It is an issue.  We grew up on differnt countries, it's alright that we are not the same. Perfect things are boring and lacks luster.

 Even if he finally realized that we aren't really meant as a couple.  Or whatever we shared..It was so great to be able to know Turkey. It was amazing,very interesting, the culture, the places, the people, the person that made me fall inlove with Turkey.  Maybe, I'm still waiting for him, but I can wait for him while I go on. So, maybe while waiting.. I could finally find what's really for me.  It was worth the wait. And I know the wait is fulfilling.



emjay, Tiara and maryistanbul liked this essay

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