If it is going to happen in the middle of the night - make sure you use a protected class

OUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
 Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
 Do not walk beside me, either.
 Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It´s always darkest before dawn. So if you´re going to steal your neighbor´s newspaper, that´s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It´s not important unless you aren´t getting any.
5. Don´t be irreplaceable. If you can´t be replaced, you can´t be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you´re unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
 That way, when you criticize them, you´re a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
 and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don´t squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don´t have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don´t park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don´t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, & a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double yr money is to fold it in half & put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light & a dark side,& it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren´t learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don´t get until just after you need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
30. We are born naked, wet, hungry,& get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.

Dear Bandleader:

We look forward to your performance at our daughter´s wedding. If you don´t mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite songs. If you could play these at some point during the reception, we´d be grateful:

Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange it for full ensemble and nothing in 4/4 please.

Mahavishnu Orchestra, "Dance of the Maya" and please have the guitarist play John Mclaughlin´s solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we particularly liked his use of polyrhythms. If you find it too difficult you can leave out the feedback.

Any of John Coltrane´s duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of atonality is not everyone´s cup of tea, but all our guests love high register tenor saxes.

We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. We particularly like "The Rite of Spring." If you want to use the sheet music it´s OK. We like a tempo of about 1/4 note = 93.

Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa´s "The Grand Wazoo." If you want to play it in the original key of B flat, that would be fine. And my cousin Jeannie would like to sing the baritone sax solo, though you may have to play that part in another key--she has kind of a high voice.

When my new son-in-law takes off the garter, could you play just a little of Varese´s "Ionization." It´s such a funny piece, we think it would go over real well. Much better than "The Stripper."

And for the bride & groom´s first dance, please slow things down a bit by doing Barber´s "Adagio For Strings." It´s so much better than "We´ve Only Just Begun" or the "Anniversary Waltz."

When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you please segue to Thelonius Monk´s "Ruby, My Dear" - it´s in honor of my wife´s grandmother whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family.

Thanks very much for all your help. We´ll certainly be happy to recommend your band to all our friends.

By the way, the gig pays $250 for the group, and before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a sandwich and a soda.

Can you imagine working at the following Company?
It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is?

It´s the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line...

I´m sure it is much the same in nearly every country´s administration.......

agreed... I, for example know a country where the number of those comitting fraud would be overwhelming in a statistics like this...

And I am also sure that most of us would not want to work for such a company...

 Portokal, I´m curious just how up to date this is and from where you got this information?

It is from a joke site,

unfortunaely I did not keep the address.

I am convinced it isnot  up to date, maybe not 100% accurate.

Yet, this is a great idea for a detailed, exact research...

 Here perhaps???

Yup, that was the site!!!

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
> Dear Tech support,
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
> In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
> Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I´ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
> What can I do?
>
> Signed, Desperate

>
> DEAR DESPERATE,
> First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
> Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don´t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
> But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
> Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
> Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
> In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
> Good Luck,
>
> Tech Support
>