INSTALLING A HUSBAND
> Dear Tech support,
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
> In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
> Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I´ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
> What can I do?
>
> Signed, Desperate

>
> DEAR DESPERATE,
> First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
> Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don´t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
> But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
> Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
> Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
> In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
> Good Luck,
>
> Tech Support
>

 Hahaha love it   Especially the mother-in-law virus

Actual
call centre conversations
!!!!!


Customer:
"I´ve been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and
can´t get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator:
"Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the
Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are
our opening hours".

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung
Electronics

Caller: "Can you give
me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator:
"I´m sorry, sir, I don´t understand who you are
talking about".
Caller:
"On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC
wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now,
can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator:
"I think you mean the telephone point on the
wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC
Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your
European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in
Australia ?"
Operator: "Doesn´t the
product name give you a clue?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring
about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

"If I register my car in France , do I have to change
the steering wheel to the other side of the
car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory
Enquiries

Caller:
"I´d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff
please".
Operator:
"I´m sorry, there´s no listing. Is the spelling
correct?"
Caller:
"Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish
Bar but the ´B´ fell off".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then
there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in
Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are
you sure?"
Caller:
"Yes. That´s what it says on the label; Woven in
Scotland ".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On
another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a
phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven´t got a pen,
so I´m steaming up the window to write the number on".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech
Support: "I need you to right-click on
the Open Desktop".
Customer:
"OK".
Tech Support:
"Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer:
"No".
Tech Support:
"OK.. Right-Click again. Do you see a
pop-up menu?"
Customer:
"No".
Tech Support:
"OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?".
Customer:
"Sure. You told me to write ´click´ and I wrote
´click´".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In
the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the
´OK´ button displayed?"
Customer:
"Wow. How can you see my
screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller:
"I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two
weeks will I have my file back
again?".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------

There´s
always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in
a long time.. I think this guy should have been promoted,
not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect
Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring
the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk
employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):


Operator: "Ridge Hall,
computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:
"Yes, well, I´m
having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator:
"What sort of trouble??"
Caller:
"Well, I was
just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller:
"They disappeared."
Operator:
"Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller:
"Nothing."
Operator:
"Nothing??"
Caller:
"It´s blank; it won´t accept anything when I
type."
Operator: "Are you
still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:
"How do I
tell?"
Operator: "Can you
see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller:
"What´s a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can
you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:
"There isn´t any
cursor: I told you, it won´t accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor
have a power indicator??"
Caller:
"What´s a monitor?"
Operator:
"It´s the thing with the screen
on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that
tells you when it´s on??"
Caller:
"I don´t know."
Operator:
"Well, then look on the
back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into
it. Can you see that??"
Caller:
"Yes, I think so."
Operator:
"Great. Follow the cord to the
plug, and tell me if it´s plugged into the wall.
Caller:
"Yes, it
is."
Operator: "When you were
behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller:
"No."
Operator: "Well,
there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable.."
Caller:
"Okay, here it is."
Operator:
"Follow it for me, and tell me if
it´s plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller:
"I can´t reach."
Operator:
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:

"No."
Operator: "Even
if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller:
"Oh, it´s not because I don´t have the right angle - it´s
because it´s dark."
Operator:
"Dark??"
Caller:
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only
light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: "Well,
turn on the office light then."
Caller:
"I can´t."
Operator:
"No? Why not??"
Caller:
"Because
there´s a power failure."

Operator: "A
power.......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we´ve got it
licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller:
"Well, yes, I keep
them in the closet."
Operator:
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and
pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it
back to the store you bought it from."
Caller:
"Really? Is
it that bad?"
Operator:
"Yes, I´m afraid it is."
Caller:
"Well, all
right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator:
"Tell them you´re
too stupid to own a
computer!!!!!"

Top 20 British holiday complaints...

AMSTERDAM – Holiday goers went to their British travel agency with the most weirdest complaints. What do you think of the next? The Daily Telegraph made a Top 20.

1. A man saw a very clearly exited elephant near a water pool. His honey moon was ruined because he felt ‘so jealous’.

2. A woman threatened to call the police because she said the hotel staff locked her up in her room. The truth is that she thought the ‘Do not disturb sign’ was an order not to leave her room.

3. ‘The beach was too sandy….´

4. A guest in an Australian hotel complained the soup was too strong and too thick. He drank by accident the gravy….

5. ‘Topless sun bathing should be forbidden on the beach, my holiday is ruined because my husband was staring all day to other women.´

6. ‘We bought a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses at a street stall for five euro. It turned out to be fake....’

7. ‘No-one told us there are fish in the sea. Our children were shocked.´

8. ‘Our flight from Jamaica to England took over nine hours, while the Americans were only three on the plane.´

9. ‘My fiancé and I booked a room with two separate beds but we have got a double room. I’m holding you responsible for me now being pregnant.

10. ‘According to the 3-room apartment of our friends our 1-room apartment was much smaller..´

11. ‘The brochure said: No hairdressers at the location. We are trainee hairdressers. Are we allowed to go there?´

12. About a holiday in Spain: There are no many Spanish people, the receptionist speaks Spanish, the food is Spanish and there are too many foreigners.´

13. ‘The beach was not like showed in the brochure. In the brochure it is yellow, in reality it is white.´

14. ‘We need to stand in line outside, without air-conditioning.´

15. ‘You as a tour operator have to tell us up front about noisy hotel guests.´

16. ‘I got bitten by mosquitoes. No one told me they would do that.´

17. ‘You should announce in the brochure that the local store does not sell delicious cookies.´

18. ‘It is only laziness from shop owners to close their shop in the afternoon. During siesta I need often things, they should forbid it!´

19. ‘Almost every restaurant I visited during my trip to Goa (India) had, to my disgust, curry on the menu. I don’t like spicy food at all.´

20. ‘We booked an excursion to a water park. But no one told us we need to bring bathing suits and towels.´

Source: http://www.telegraaf.nl/buitenland/

 The British and Dutch are so closely aligned with their holiday dislikes - miserable lot

 Hmmm, do I sense some hurt British pride here?

 Not mine!  But it is true, the British moan about the same things when the go on holiday  

 But the post WAS about Brits

And I agree - I am ashamed of Brits on holiday - drunk, moaning about wanting chips instead of local food, no attempts to learn the language....yuck!

 Oh so it was!  hahaha........ I saw Amsterdam and thought it must have been Dutch as well