You could always name him after me

Jack wakes up with a killer hangover after attending his firm´s Christmas Party.

He doesn´t even remember how he got home. It´s 8.30am. What day is it?
Thursday?

His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggles into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummets as he wonders what the hell he did last night.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sits up.

The bedroom is clean and tidy; there is no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the window and all is serene.

He stumbles to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, sees that he has a black eye. This is not a good sign, but no memories are returning.

As he concentrates hard on getting the world into focus, he sees a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

´I´ll ring your office and tell them you won´t be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There´s snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today; hope your eye doesn´t hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,

Jillian. x ´

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper.

His teenaged son is sitting at the table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asks his son what happened the previous night.

´Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it. Then you threw-up in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.´

Confused, he asks his son, ´So, why is everything in such perfect order - aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and a lovely cooked breakfast waiting for me?´

His son replies, ´Oh THAT!... well Mum eventually dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, ´Leave me alone you slapper, I´m happily married´!!!!!!!!

Broken Coffee Table £250

Rug Doctor Carpet Clean £25

Hot Breakfast £3.50

Two Aspirins 20p

Saying the right thing, at the right time..........PRICELESS!

Little-known facts:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.  (Now that´s more like it ! )
 
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet  (O.M.G.!)

A pig´s orgasm lasts 30 minutes..  (In my next life, I want to be a pig)
 
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
 
..... (I´m still not over the pig.)
 
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour  (Don´t try this at home, maybe at work)
 
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male´s head off.  (Honey, I´m home. What the ..@*&!?) (or maybe...’Sorry I’m late..don’t bite my head off&rsquo
 
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It´s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
 
...(30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
 
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.  (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.  (Something I always wanted to know.)
  
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.  (Hmmmmm......)
 
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people... (If you´re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
 
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.  (Okay, so that would be a good thing)
 
A cat´s urine glows under a black light.  (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich´s eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that) 

Starfish have no brains  (I know some people like that too.....)
 
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they´ll live a lot longer)
 
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

To continue the rather flatulent tone.....

WHEN YOU SHOULD NEVER FART:
1. Inside a crowded Lift.
2. Inside a public library.
3. On a crowded train.
4. Whilst giving a speech.
5. In Church.
6. Whilst on a date.
7. In a packed lecture theatre.
8. In your office.
9. At a cinema.
10. In a walk-in freezer - it´ll linger a while
11. In a ticket line.
13. On an airplane.
14. During confession
15. In the bed, whilst feeling frisky.
16. In bed when you´re feeling frisky
17. While fighting fire in a burning building
19. In a patrol car for a minor violation

WHEN TO FART:
1. Bosses office as you are about to leave. - best to make sure it´s silent but violent.
2. In a bathroom.
3. In the cashiers line - it´s bound to speed things up.
4. The empty elevator before you get off.
5. Beside an occupied dressing room - no doubt it´ll quickly become unnocupied.
6. Your co-workers cubicle at the office.
7. When deep sea diving.
8. Back seat of the Police Mobile after being arrested.
9. In your car if you´ve been carjacked.
10. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.

Tell it to the Germans

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHvATmUsSg&NR=1

Heh Heh

I´ve just looked out of my bedroom window over the park opposite and there are three beings all together - mother, child and dog. They all appear to be having an enjoyable time. The mother is holding a lead in her hand......

The lead is attached to the child and the dog is running around free
Just the way things should be - tee hee

seeing babyglam logged)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))world did not change much during my TC absence.......))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  Yes I always feel somehow comforted with that!! thankfully she has made it past the main page and is exploring Turkish poetry

I got my own Granny)))))))))she called me a nasty boy....or sth like that..not sure