Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

Bored of letter writing? Here is a site that will do it for you! I have tested it and created a 1 paragraph letter for AllTooHuman as follows:

http://clipmarks.com/clipmark/D71C2E25-A8CE-47AF-BE41-E8BFE047184B/

My complaint about Mr. All Too Human
Writing this letter stems from a desperation to be heard, if not by a court of law, then by a court of public opinion. As this letter will make clear, I've known some extortionists who were impressively prudish. However, Mr. All Too Human is illogical, and that trumps prudish every time. Although he is trying to portray himself as a great philosopher on par with Wittgenstein or some such personage, Mr. Human's analects are designed to numb the public to the jingoism and injustice in mainstream politics. And they're working; they're having the desired effect. Mr. Human's hypocrisy is transparent. Even the least discerning among us can see right through it. I hope it will not disappoint you to learn that Mr. Human likes goals that talk about you and me in terms which are not fit to be repeated. Could there be a conflict of interest there? If you were to ask me, I'd say that I frequently talk about how he should pay for his mistakes. I would drop the subject, except that we must reach out to people with the message that his insanity has reached record levels. We must alert people of that. We must educate them. We must inspire them. And we must encourage them to fight for what is right. In summary, it is my prayer that people everywhere will join me in my quest to mention a bit about acrimonious devotees of conspiracy theories such as Mr. All Too Human.

You too, Brutus?

Well then, here is my complaint about you:

While you're probably sick of hearing about Mrs. Aenigma, it is crucial that you read this letter. Those readers of brittle disposition might do well to await a ride on the next emotionally indulgent transport; this one is scheduled nonstop over rocky roads. As soon as you're strapped in, I'll announce something to the effect of how in the Old Testament, the Book of Kings relates how the priests of Baal were slain for deceiving the people. I'm not suggesting that there be any contemporary parallel involving Aenigma, but I once had a nightmare in which Aenigma was free to destroy the natural beauty of our parks and forests. When I awoke, I realized that this nightmare was frighteningly close to reality. For instance, it is the case both in my nightmare and in reality that words cannot convey the hurt and despair that I and so many others feel for those who were personally attacked by Aenigma. And that's why I'm writing this letter; this is my manifesto, if you will, on how to argue about her bruta fulmina. There's no way I can do that alone, and there's no way I can do it without first stating that I'm not very conversant with her background. To be quite frank, I don't care to be. I already know enough to state with confidence that if Aenigma truly believes that she should leave us in the lurch because "it's the right thing to do", then maybe she should enroll in Introduction to Reality 101. I want to bring meaning, direction, and purpose into our lives. But first, let me pose an abstract question. How will Aenigma's habitués react when they discover that Aenigma wants to condition the public to accept violence as normal and desirable? The answer should be self-evident, so let me just point out that we must remove our chains and move towards the light. (In case you didn't understand that analogy, the chains symbolize Aenigma's capricious deeds, and the light represents the goal of getting all of us to study the problem and recommend corrective action.) She demands obeisance from her dupes. Then, once they prove their loyalty, Aenigma forces them to abandon the idea of universal principles and focus illegitimately on the particular.

Aenigma spouts the same bile in everything she writes, making only slight modifications to suit the issue at hand. The issue she's excited about this week is Marxism, which says to me that Aenigma's profiteering and power mongering will convert lush forests into arid deserts in the near future. (Actually, Aenigma has had it easy all her life but that's not important now.) In such a brief letter as this, I certainly cannot refute all the writings of the most antipluralism-oriented sandbaggers you'll ever see, but perhaps I can brush away some of their most deliberate and flagrant comments. There are few certainties in life. I have counted only three: death, taxes, and Aenigma doing some prolix thing every few weeks. No one can be right all of the time. And that's why I say to you: Have courage. Be honest. And show principle, gumption, verve, and nerve. That's the patriotic thing to do, and that's the right thing to do.

ahhh...could it be love blossoming??

What or which?

its a shame he was deleted that letter was one of the funniest things i've read here at tc

I'm sure he'll be back under a new name.

Dismissedddd! Break it uppppp!