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Humorous Quotes
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I was 18 about six years ago - i'm 28 now.
Frank Bruno
Moses Kiptanui - the 19-year-old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago.
David Coleman, BBC TV athletics.
He certainly looks older than he did last year.
Mark Cox, BBC TV tennis.
He must have discovered euthanasia. He never seems to get any older.
John Francome, Channel 4 Racing.
My seven year old who is now ten.
Lady Olga Maitland MP
President Ronald Reagan is alive and well and kicking tonight, one day after the assassination attempt, just two months into his pregnancy.
Anon. US TV newscaster.
The first black President will be a politician who is black.
Governor L. Douglas Wilder of Virginia.
Woman is Sheep Dog champion.
The Guardian Headline. (1977)
Everything for your pets. Send s.a.e. for ill. cat.
Anon. Shropshire newspaper advert (for a pet shop)
A squid as you know has ten testicles.
Graham Kerr, The Galloping Gourmet
We've already hunted the grey whale into extinction twice.
Andrea Arnold (199
He looks up at him through his blood-smeared lips.
Harry Carpenter, BBC TV boxing.
These people haven't seen the last of my face. If i go down, i'm going down standing up.
Chuck Person
Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand.
Ted Lowe, BBC TV snooker.
Celtic manager David Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.
John Greig (1986)
It's just like a knee injury - except its in the head.
Ray Perkins
Do you scratch your bottom while taking a bath? Have it reglazed by the professionals.
Edinburgh Advertiser.
I'm for a stronger death penalty.
President George Bush.
I am not wanting to make too long speech tonight, as i am knowing your old English saying, 'Early to bed and up with the cock'.
Anon. Hungarian diplomat
The British boys are adopting the attacking position - Cox up at the net.
Dan Maskell BBC TV tennis.
On making enquiries at the hospital this afternoon, we learn that the deceased is as well as can be expected.
Jersey Evening Post.
Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more reveived slight injuries.
Tokyo Times.
I'm hoping we can fight again or at least have a re-match.
John Conteh
This is John Major's last desperate throw of the dice and we will ensure it scores a double blank.
Jack Straw MP (1993)
Beethoven had 10 children and practised on a spinster in the attic.
The Philadelphia Bulletin
I've studied the lyrics note by note.
Gary Barlow (Take That) (1993)
Cannabis smuggling by troops. Investigation by Joint Chiefs.
Morning Star headline.
On a chinese olympic high jumper:
There was a chink in Zhus armour.
David Coleman BBC TV athletics (1984)
I aint gonna let no darkies and white folks segregate together in this town.
Eugene Connor, Police Commissioner Birmingham Alabama (195
The question of South Africa has been the nigger in the wood pile.
Ken Turner (1982)
on the most requested songs of the week:
Sound off is still on top and i'd like to kiss you goodnight on the bottom.
Anon. Australian D.J.
There is a commotion in the stands, i think it has something to do with a fat lady...i've just been informed that the fat lady is the Queen of Holland.
J. 'Dizzy' Dean US TV baseball.
Silly Signs:
Hotels:
from a rule book for Japanese Hotel chamber maids:
Light pranks add zest to your services but dont pull the customers ears.
Irish hotel:
Please do not lock the door as we have lost the key.
Swiss hotel:
If you have any desires pray ring for the chamber maid.
Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the maid.
Norweigian hotel:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Athens hotel:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily.
Yugoslav hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
Istanbul hotel:
To call room service please open the door and call 'room service'.
Clothes:
Rome laundry:
Ladies leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Swedish shop:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
Hong Kong clothes shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Travel:
Thai travel office:
Would you like to ride on your own ass.
Czech travel office:
Take one of our horse driven tours we guarantee no miscarriages.
Japanese road guide:
Beware of greasy corner where lurk skid demon. Cease step on, approach slowly, round cautiously, resume step on gradually.
Japanese road guide:
At the rise of the hand of the policeman, stop rapidly, do not pass him or otherwise disrespect him.
Thai taxi:
Safety first! please putting on your seatbelt and preparing for accident.
Spanish airline sick bag:
Bag to be used in case of sickness or to gather remains.
Indonesian tour guide:
If we are lucky we will see duck boys brining their ducks to town men massaging their cocks on the road dont miss it on your visit to Bali.
Medical:
Romanian surgery:
Specialist in woman and other diseases.
Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by latest methodists.
Food and Drink:
Chinese restaurant:
Serve you with hostility.
Tokyo bar:
Cocktails for ladies with nuts.
Tokyo restaurant:
Buttered saucepans and fried hormones.
Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Swiss cafe:
Special Today: No Ice Cream.
Cairo hotel:
Please try the tarts of the house. Avaliable for your delight on the trolley.
Yemini hotel:
Fish rotty and spaghetti bologrease.
Mexican hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the drinking water served here.
Mistranslations:
Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip turn cock to right.
the Chinese mistranslation of 'Pepsi comes alive' slogan:
Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
Japanese ski-lodge:
Foreigners are requested not to pull cock in bath.
Budahpest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals, if you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Moscow cemetary:
You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily. Except Thursday.
Annapurna, Nepal sign post:
Before you defecate make sure there is no latrine around.
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The humour police may have already woken up 
