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turkish wedding-how it looks like?
(22 Messages in 3 pages - View all)
1 2 3
1.       ziska
10 posts
 16 Mar 2006 Thu 05:32 pm

People can someone of you nature Turks tell me about weddings in Turkey!!!PLs I am planning to marry one turkish guy and don t know anything about customs there!If anyone knows something just share with us ,ok?!
Tessekur ederim!!!

2.       Kadir37
0 posts
 16 Mar 2006 Thu 05:42 pm

3.       chicaurbana
12 posts
 16 Mar 2006 Thu 06:05 pm

Your husband-to-be must be a stranger for you since you don't know anything about his costums. And you're going to get married?

4.       Elisa
0 posts
 16 Mar 2006 Thu 06:07 pm

Quoting chicaurbana:

Your husband-to-be must be a stranger for you since you don't know anything about his costums. And you're going to get married?



I was thinking exactly the same, if you can't ask him, are you sure you want to marry him?

5.       MaryEldar
0 posts
 16 Mar 2006 Thu 06:12 pm

Girls, Don't become angry with Siska!

I think she wants give a surprise to his future husband.
Also... i want know about the theme.

Thank you Kadir for the links.

Chaufis

6.       chicaurbana
12 posts
 16 Mar 2006 Thu 06:21 pm

I'm sorry if I've offended someone or if I will but I have noticed that there are lots of "cyber-relations" here. People are always asking for their love letters to be translated and things like that. I just want to say that it's great having cyber-friends outside your borders, and ask for their costums and habits, and about their language... because that's the real reason of this site. But let's be realistic and adults. That is not love, nor even friendship. I know some people may disagree, but that's the truth. You don't log in Messenger when you need a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. You turn to you family and your "real" friends, the one you can touch and hug. So I just wanted to make it clear that it's great having friends in the net but it's better when you know them in real. And please, stop thinking about weddings! Why don't you travel to Turkey to meet him? Then you will decide.

7.       miss_ceyda
2627 posts
 16 Mar 2006 Thu 07:24 pm

oo very harsh... but maybe true..
i have actually been in one of these "net relationships" myself and at the time, i know it feels very real. there are people who will say, "no.. we are different" but i think all net relationships are the same..

just wait until u are not with the person anymore and u will realise the truth of it hehe sorry to be harsh

8.       xkirstyx
363 posts
 16 Mar 2006 Thu 08:06 pm

I completely agree! There are soo many girls who fall for guys on here, and build their lives around them without even knowing them.

9.       melegim1039
50 posts
 16 Mar 2006 Thu 08:26 pm

Quoting chicaurbana:

I'm sorry if I've offended someone or if I will but I have noticed that there are lots of "cyber-relations" here. People are always asking for their love letters to be translated and things like that. I just want to say that it's great having cyber-friends outside your borders, and ask for their costums and habits, and about their language... because that's the real reason of this site. But let's be realistic and adults. That is not love, nor even friendship. I know some people may disagree, but that's the truth. You don't log in Messenger when you need a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. You turn to you family and your "real" friends, the one you can touch and hug. So I just wanted to make it clear that it's great having friends in the net but it's better when you know them in real. And please, stop thinking about weddings! Why don't you travel to Turkey to meet him? Then you will decide.


i agree, everything you said is completely right im my view... but what makes you think that she has met him on this site? perhaps she has been to turkey and thats how they met.. im just saying. maybe im wrong.
but i visited turkey last year and i now have a turkish boyfriend, i met him there, if it wasnt for him i wouldnt be on this site.. thats why im here to learn turkish beacause i want to make an effort to be a part of his life. even though he already speaks perfect english i wanna make the effort.
you never know this may be the same kind of situation

10.       Deli_kizin
6376 posts
 16 Mar 2006 Thu 10:17 pm

I met my man through internet, which made us decide we felt so strong for eachother, that we wanted to see eachother. Now we met 3 times and next year i will move there. If our relationship continues, then we will definitely get married.

I strongly disagree that you cannot love or have real friendship over internet. Indeed, you miss the loving hands on your shoulders. And im definitely an expert about this. Two years i loved a man, 3 times i got chance to touch him. But in two years, we spoke, spoke and spoke.. to be honest i think we are more SÖZLÜ than most people in a relationship can say. We've been through hard, long distance times. Cold nights alone, visa rejections, my parents who wouldnt let their young blonde daughter go on her own there, took both of us lots of effort. Our love only grew stronger.

Yes we are different. And if you are in a relationship, but you are not different.. then why stay in that relationship at all..

But i agree on the warnings of all those cyber/holiday relationships. You take a big risk and you must definiotely be sure.. not only before making such a big step as a marriage, but in general too. Make sure it is worth to put your heart and effort in. If so, it will be the best you can get Sweetness is sweeter if you know how the bitterness tastes.

11.       chicaurbana
12 posts
 17 Mar 2006 Fri 09:09 am

I'm not saying she met him here, it doesn't matter. The thing is that she is asking for something that, if you knew you husband-to-be, partner, boyfriend and you're thinking about getting married, she should know or at least should have asked her boyfriend. I'm not saying either that net relations should be bad or unproductive. We're not losing our time here, we are learning, it helps to be more tolerant and understand other cultures. But sometimes I read some posts, especially written by girls, that really make me think. As we say in Spanish "her head is full with birds". You will not really know a person if you don't meet him/her in REAL, that's the truth. I can tell because I have had some disappointments. You think that person is great, you cannot stop thinking about him/her, the things he/she says are beautiful, he/she shares anecdotes and things with you. But that's not really a relation, sitting in front of your PC reading words in the screen. Sorry for being harsh again, this is just my opinion.

12.       ziska
10 posts
 17 Mar 2006 Fri 11:13 am

people some of you didn t understand me well.I didn t meet my future husband here and this is not internet love.He was in my country and we spent great time together.I just want to surprise him and because of that i want to know more about wedding and to know turkish too.And he doesn t live anymore in Turkey ,he s in UK now.Sorry for misunderstanding,but i just want tom make him happy.Anyway thanks for all your comments.

13.       Deli_kizin
6376 posts
 20 Mar 2006 Mon 06:00 pm

Quoting chicaurbana:

You think that person is great, you cannot stop thinking about him/her, the things he/she says are beautiful, he/she shares anecdotes and things with you. But that's not really a relation, sitting in front of your PC reading words in the screen. Sorry for being harsh again, this is just my opinion.



Hehe no problem, always free to share your opinion
But i can say that my boyfriend and i learnt to talk. Many people nowadays don't really talk and if they do it's superficial. We can solve anything by words and can keep our patience. We know we are strong to love eachother, as we kept it alive for two years over long distance. Only 5 last months to go and I'll live there

But you're right, it's not a 'real relationship' only to read words.

Well.. hasta luego chica

14.       goner
506 posts
 20 Mar 2006 Mon 06:12 pm

@deli_kizin
how can you know all these things...
you become dangerous hehe

15.       Deli_kizin
6376 posts
 20 Mar 2006 Mon 06:15 pm

Quoting goner:

@deli_kizin
how can you know all these things...
you become dangerous hehe



Common sense is the key-word in this case

Thanks though

16.       Kadir37
0 posts
 26 Mar 2006 Sun 08:28 pm

17.       teaschip
3870 posts
 09 Apr 2006 Sun 03:19 am

Sounds like someone has had a bitter experience. Why do you really care if people form bonds on this chat room? There is no harm with that. People do turn to chat rooms to fill some voids of their life, whether it's emotional, educational or personal. She was merely asking about Turkish weddings, you don't know the whole picture. Deli is correct, positive out comes can happen, however you do have to be realistic at the same time. Just my input.

18.       achilis
3 posts
 09 Apr 2006 Sun 09:40 am

19.       karamurat
7 posts
 09 Apr 2006 Sun 09:50 am

i dont understand what you guys talking about she ask very simpe question and every body giving her kind of bullshit ,marriege is marriege everywhere in the world is the same ,there is a differences off course but the and same shit

20.       Lyndie
968 posts
 09 Apr 2006 Sun 11:59 am

A QUASI PSHYCHOLOGICAL ANALYSIS.

Well, here is my view in this fascinating debate. I think the real point here is not the problem of not knowing about the wedding rituals or where she met him. What the guys who talk about knowing their partner are trying to say (I think) is that if she doesn't know about the wedding customs, what else doesn't she understand about the whole culture.


Lets begin by making a few educated guesses and assumptions here.

I would say her guy is not that educated or sensitive to her individual needs or expectations, because if he was he would not be expecting her to marry him with no knowledge of the ceremony. Already he is taking it for granted that she will just come and be organised and prepared for the wedding by his family. Maybe she will bring her own dress and family, but everything else will be organised by his relatives and she will have to go along with it.

He is quite confident that there are no alternatives to the Turkish way and it therefore doesn't occur to him that she might want some choices. He obviously hasn't offered her any choices about anything because of her lack of understanding about the ceremony itself. This suggests he can't think more broadly or understand the meaning of diversity. It clearly doesn't occur to him that she should have choices. (this will continue after their marriage of course), he obviously has not thought about the importance of this day to her (again,he hasn't told her anything about the ceremonies, and it therefore seems logical to assume that her views on it are not important and this will set the pattern of their marriage.

The adherence to tradition is apparent all over Turkey and each generation accepts the traditions of the past without question. In my experience, there are obviously some exceptions to this, but these are rare and doesnt' seem to be the case here, because if it was an exception he would have asked her views or at least been sure she knew what would happen both at the wedding and throughout their marriage and life together. I am not criticising the adherence of tradition when it is positive but in this case I feel it is doubtful because of the suggestion that she should not have choices. Choices when he does offer them are almost certainly going to be limited to the choices he offers rather than of her thinking of things for herself.

She is not just marrying him, she is marrying his whole family and to some extent she will be marrying the views, beliefs and traditions of the whole community, because she will never be able to anything that would be disapproved of by the wider community. This may be simply small things, like not putting your lipstick on in public, but this refelects the reality of her daily life. OK so what if you can't put your lippie on in public, I hear you say. Well that is just a tiny example of lack of freedom and in my view is just a token of the wider implications of living in a society seeped in ancient tradition.

Maybe she comes from a culture herself where these small restrictions are normal and so she expects this. But if she doesn't then she is for some shocks. If a person enters into this culture prepared and fully understanding of what they are doing, then this is different, but again, her lack of knowledge of the ceremony suggests otherwise.

SInce she knows so little about the wedding ceremony (at the very heart of the beginning of her new life), there are doubtless hundreds of small things which will impact on her life which she doesn't have a clue about. Some of these things will be positive and some negative but at the end of the day, when you marry someone, anyone, there is a learning process about that individual (unless you have lived with them already), this process is hard enough, but the addition of cultural pressures and differences add to the burden. She may well love her husband enough to make changes and sacrifices in her life for him. But does she know she will have to make changes and sacrifices to satisfy his mother? His father? His brothers? Her new sisters? The neighbours who will watch her every move and report back any misdemeanours to her new family? Does she know that everything she does and says will be reported to her husband? Anything she does that is unacceptable to them, he will be expected to talk to her about and he will, because the pressure on him to maintain cultural traditions and behaviours will be so great that he will go along with the wishes of his family and the behaviours of the wider community.

Again, maybe she lives in a cultural community of her own with the same values and behaviours and this will not be new to her but if she doesn't then she will quickly feel oppressed and friendless.

I suspect that she has no idea of the change that will take place in her relationship when she becomes a 'wife'. If she is not from a culture like this, then she probably believes that her relationship with him will stay the same, but they will just be married. To be a wife in Turkey changes your status enormously; in some ways positively, but in many ways negatively, because her new status will bring new responsibilities which she will not be able to choose for herself. Her own husband, who she probably thinks she knows so well will also gain a new status and with that he will also have new responsibilities to her and more importantly her behaviour and obligations. He will be burdened to behave in a certain way and his burdens will become her burdens.

One of the reasons I was so dismayed at the removal of the forum topics 'My Turkish boyfriend/girlfriend' was that these discussions clarified many of the problems facing relationships with a Turkish partner. This is I felt was an essential learning tool for everyone considering marrying someone from Turkey. Positive and negative experiences could be exchanged and discussed and to the interested eye, the cultural difficulties to be faced were clear in every post. Equally, these forums were valuable to any Turks wishing to marry someone from another country, because they were also able to learn of the expectations, views and values of people from outside Turkey and give them something to think about in relation to their ability to maintain and nurture their relationship.

Marriage to someone from any different culture always requires compromises and sacrifices from both sides, and in this case the lack of information about something as fundamental as the actual wedding ceremoney suggests that her guy hasn't considered this two way process at all and she herself has not considered his lack of consideration as being just the beginning of a long and rocky road.

21.       Deli_kizin
6376 posts
 09 Apr 2006 Sun 02:39 pm

Quoting ziska:

People can someone of you nature Turks tell me about weddings in Turkey!!!PLs I am planning to marry one turkish guy and don t know anything about customs there!If anyone knows something just share with us ,ok?!
Tessekur ederim!!!



I think Lyndie's post was very clarifying and true in many ways, but i think everybody here forgets one thing:

If i read this post, i feel like i could have written it. And i would have done it from this point of view:

- I'm deeply in love with Kadir and we had conversations about marrying. But the conclusion was, that it's in too far future to discuss about it. We don't know what life wil bring us, therefore we don't want to get attached to eachother with such a sacred thing.
- Thóugh we don't exactly plan to marry (i'm not his fiancee, he hasn't proposed, we laid this decision in the hands of time and put it in the futue), i am very willing to marry this man, as he matches my needs. Ofcourse i have to adapt and learn to understand the culture, but Kadir has told me (last night really ) that he doesn't want to crash my culture, so we will find 'our culture'.
- But i do feel the needs to be as beautiful as i can be in his eyes. I feel the need to please him, to surprise him. And therefore it could have been me asking about turkish wedding customs, just to surprise my man by the fact i actually took the time and consideration to think about such an important and sacred decision in our (love)life.

Who knows, maybe Ziska felt the same, maybe she wanted to do something for her love, before he would enlighten her. Maybe they won't get married tomorrow or next month, maybe she's like me: willing and eager to learn the other culture, in order to be prepared for that marriage, once it comes upon our ways.
The best way, is to prepare together with your love, but i think, as I will be the one who has to learn the most and has to grow acquainted (how to type?) with the culture and its people, i will try to be one step ahead of discussions and talks, so that Kadir won't have to explain everything ovr and over again to me. Because I am sure that loving me, no being with me, is difficult for him too. I might be moving to hís country, but i will come with mý values and he has to get usedto them too.

If Ziska is not like i just tried to describe, i recommend everybody to read Lynda's post once again


Sophie, forgive me for using his name again and telling about my stuff, but i thought was appropriate for this discussion
btw, mum is making us mousaka for tonight

22.       Kadir37
0 posts
 06 May 2006 Sat 02:53 pm

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