Hii there! I was so happy i found your website. I am a Asian Chinese-Philippine Lady who happens to have a Turkish fiance and soon to marry this year or next year. I want to learn more about the basic characteristics of a turkish husband. There are rumors that turkish husband are very jealous in many ways. Is that true?

Hello there! Thank´s nazafarin! Thank´s for your reply.. but just wonderin´ if there are descrimination of nationality in Turkey?... especially i will be moving there this month.

nazafarin,

Please keep such thoughts to yourself! you might wanna consider being a little more politicaly correct here, otherwise I also think that you might be kicked out of here.

As to the question about husbands, i think it depends on the girls behaviour. If she respects the man she will get respect fom him.

My husband is kurdish and yes he is a jealous man but i give him honesty and respenct and  he does the same and we laugh the jealousy off.

Please next time open threads under appropriate forum.

This is "living and working in Turkey" forum.

You had to open your thread under "Offtopic". Thanks.

What?

I haven´t quoted the message posted but can I say I am disgusted that the posting has not been removed!

Seems it isn´t political enough???

I agree with you tinababy 100%

nazafarin_k -  her first message was bad enough, but the second one is outright disgusting, she should be kicked off here.

 Unfortunately I am the only mod on here at the moment and I don´t have access to this section of the forum.

 Posts are only removed when they offend Canli´s religion.  Insulting posts about blonde europeans are perfectly acceptable to her....

AE are you really offended? Somebody had a hard time and either lost a bf to a blonde European b*** or is a male who wanted to get a blonde European b** but they didn´t want him. Calm down. Asians come to Turkey, somebody wants you there - isn´t that racist?

 Hey! I am calm thank you DD - just enjoying the double standards that make this site so special!

I agree with you tinababy. The ´c´ word is definitely cause for removal-disgusting!

 Sorry gals, but you will have to wait for Lady in Red to come along and sort it out.  As I mentioned above, I dont have access to this forum to modify it otherwise I would have deleted the whole thread!!!

I cannot believe what ý have just read!

Completely dýscustýng and not to mentýon racýst!

As a blonde european wýfe of a turkýsh man ý fýnd thýs comment very offensýve and ý thýnk that the user ýn questýon should be asked to leave the sýte.

Comments lýke that are not helpful or constructýve.

Wow!  This is a new low.....Hopefully, it gets deleted soon! 

 Same here too, all i can do is to PM admin about it and he delete it.

As a blonde European woman I am neither a slut nor a c***. I hope this thread will be deleted and the author removed from the site. I am shocked by the use of such language - it is truly unacceptable.

I am neither a blond nor a eureppean but it really hurts to read such comment and bad words.

Hope that  "what ever her name" would be deleted soon because she just diminishes respect and politeness from this wonderful site

Ým so sorry for that.

We can have many different kind of people here, that we have no control over the way they are.

But we at least have control over the way things are allowed here to keep the site peaceful place for everyone.

Ý believe she already has been warned against that kind of attitude, we are just waiting for admins to come and sort the thread out.

Merhaba arkadasim.........i am a filipina woman too,and fallen in love  to a Turks guy but i guess theres no racial discrimination eh..infact Turkish family are very hospitable and accomodating as far as i know..and so friendly too...

I have been out all day.  Sorry about this everyone - I thought my comment in the first instance might have been enough - but obviously not.  I now have a feeling that this ´lady´ has been here before and was equally unpleasant last time.  However, she has now been deleted from the site and hopefully won´t be back.

I absolutely do not think that it´s how you thought. CANLI is judicious enough not to let any kind of insults. Maybe, you have not thought of it but she was not just around to delete it.

You make yourself missed, recently you just appear to make your admirable judgements. I hope everything goes well with you.

But on the contrary, you give such a reaction maybe because you are a blonde european yourself,too.

 Actually I could not give a damn what a silly member wants to say about european blondes to be honest (I wonder why the european brunettes have it so easy! )  I would have the same reaction to ANYONE being called a C**T on this site and no action being taken

I am great thanks and enjoying criticising you....your concern for me overwhelms me   Perhaps you are still smarting from my comment about you experiementing on your pets

 I started to doubt that you took it seriously.

This was a difficult situation because only DeliKizin and I moderate the ´Living in Turkey´ Forum where this was posted (and where I don´t think you would normally expect to find posts needing instant deletion).  DK is not around much at the moment as she is doing exams and I was out all day today.  So neither Canli nor LL could do anything about it except post something in the admin forum (which they both did) but because of the time difference in the US and CW and Admin most probably being at work, unfortunately, on this occasion, there was no-one there to do anything about it immediately. 

 Darling LIR, had I known the situation was entirely your fault I would NEVER have complained.  You are, of course, completely forgiven

(Thanks for the latest cardie by the way..... )

 This is great....I now know where to post my smut!!!

 ...............and as do everyone else who reads this thread.....

Gee....I missed this excitement and can only guess what went on.

Yes, I also think that our mods and administrators are all too biased. They don´t delete stuff they don´t see or know about. So unacceptable!

 Great post Catwoman oops sorry Admin.  Unfortunately you failed to notice that I was not criticising ALL admins or mods.  I was criticising Canli, as is my right according to your rules and regulations, as her posts are her personal views (somewhat clannish and religiously swayed though they may be) and thus her actions as a mod tend to be biased.

Anyway, as we now know the reason why the posts could not be deleted, this discussion is pointless....unless of course you wish to persue this further because you love discourse with me and refuse to delete me

 Everyone sees through their own eyes....things not be seen by other eyes....

Maybe you need some rest canim..

   ....I feel a need to modify coming on!!

Cecille

dig through this site, it will offer you loads of colourful infos.

Moving to an another country is not easy, especially since you seem to be not so very informed about cultural differencees. Dig up some readings about turkish history and society, lifestyle and get informed. Specially on the area you are going to leave.

About turkish men, yes, they are gealous, with a high sense of possesivity. But then again, french have it, too, britsh, romanians, hungarians - it is the level of posessiveness and freedom accepted in a couple that differs. Depending on your husband´s character, you may find out, you have a strict kitchen - rule. Then again, if you are rspectfull, fair and honest, you will-at least should - get the same feelings.

Be aware of your mother in love!

In turkey, as well as in the balcanians, they say the man is the head of the family, but the woman is the neck that turns him... And mothers have the strong tendency to continue this anatomical peculiarity in their sons´ life, too...

If your husband is a well educated person, you will get loads of respect and care and understanding.

And if he is intelligent, cultivated and rafinated, you may also taste heaven - with a man that is a kind, gentle companion and which knows to take care of you, works to find out your happiness, gives to the cesar´s wife what is worth to the cesar´s wife.

In this case , I certainly wouldnever move out of Turkey...

So get very well informed, because it is your life and happiness on the bet!

Good luck, inspiration, cleverness and loads of happiness to you!!

Yes, Turkish husbands are jealous, as are all people in monogamous relationships. Some try to hide their jealousy, others don´t. How it is manifest is important. I think if you recognize the why and what, it helps deal with it.

Helen Fisher, a anthropology professor at Rutgers University has an interesting talk on monogamy on philosophy talk you can listen to.

Her website can be seen here. She is facinating to read and listen to.

 All people?  

Well my dear, some do sublimate and deny this basic human condition...but yes...it´s part of the human chemistry....I didn´t make the rule, but at least I do recognize it..........

Of course, there are some special people who claim to not experience jealousy...However it is a scientific fact that being in a monogamous relationship (is there something about the word monogamous you fail to comprehend?) includes not wanting to share....

I guess you didn´t bother to read the link....hmmm? Too bad, Dr Fisher spent 30 years researching the subject....but of course, you know better.

 alameda...I am going to have to disagree with you (I know you are shocked) only because many scientists/researchers have studied many subjects for many years only to have their research later refuted.  (I am thinking about many of Freud´s theories in particular).  Just because a majority of people fall into a certain behavior type doesn´t mean we all do.  Anyway, I don´t think jealousy is automatic in all people regardless of what research is out there....unless you can find a study that interviewed every human on the planet.   

 I´m pretty sure she can find a link about that....

 I did not accuse you of promiscuity; you read that into my comment all by yourself.

Please consider the fact that my comments are not exclusively intended for you.

If one is in love, and one wants to inspire love in the beloved, isn´t it a better idea to figure  what the beloved loves, then become a source of what one´s beloved desires?

Of course, nobody owns another, the key is in being loveable.

Jealousy is a normal and necessary part of any close relationship. What does not fit into a romantic relation is the "suspicion" that may follow.

"love" goes out, when "suspicion" walks in...

Suspicion creates jealousy don´t you think?  Why would you be jealous of something that you are not aware of?

I think jealousy is a sign of lack of trust. If you trust your partner why should you be jealous of him/her? I wouldn´t be able to live with someone who doesn´t trust me or somebody I don´t trust.

I´d call a man/woman who is not jealous at all is ignorant in a relationship.

Lack of trust causes jealousy, but when there´s jealousy, it does not mean that it´s because of lack of trust because there´s one more thing which is something essential (in my opinion) in a relationship that leads to jealousy as well: possessiveness

 Looks like both me and my husband are both ignorant then............ and somehow we have managed to be married for 32 years without being jealous...............

 I was thinking the same about me and my husband...although we haven´t been married for 32 years (congrats, by the way) we have managed dating and 4 years of marriage without any sign of jealousy....I guess I am happy to be blissfully ignorant about jealousy!

Seems sometimes ignorance is blessing

 Let me be ignorant then, instead of - in my eyes - unnecessary and silly being jealous.

 I guess all these none jealous ladies wouldn´t mind if their husbands or lovers took another spouse or paramour?.....after all...they aren´t jealous....hmmm?

what they don´t know won´t hurt them eh?? ignorance is bliss!

Not necessarily.

A trusting and loving partner would normally be jealous of any uninvited intruder into his/her love´s privacy. Suspion of one´s own partner´s integrity need not follow, if mutual trust is there.

 Thank you for your wise words!!! Obviously I have some way to go yet....................

 alameda, just because people don´t naturally feel jealousy doesn´t mean that they don´t have any emotions at all.  If this happened to me, I would be hurt and angry.....not jealous. What would be the point of being jealous after finding out that your significant other has already betrayed you.  For me, the relationship would be over.  Much of my energy would be spent on healing......not jealousy.

 See Elisabeth...you ARE jealous! You may choose to not define it that way, but the reality of the situation is, you do not want to share the special affection of your beloved´s affection with anyone else.

I think what we have is a different understanding of the semantics involved with the word "jealousy".  You do not want your relationship threatened with the loss or diversion of your beloved to another, you do not want to loose the love you have.

Being jealous does not mean you become obsessed and insane, that is something else again. In the "West" being jealous is considered uncool.

I am jealous and not ashamed in the least about it.  I would not try to keep the affections of my beloved by force, that is sure to suffocate the love.

Elizabeth, repeat after me:

we are jealous, we are jealous, we are jealous.................... well if you chant a mantra long enough you believe it?

 OK, alameda says I am so I must be....maybe if I say it enough I will believe it.

+1 alameda

Jealousy has always been seen as something negative, and something some people feel ashamed of even if what they feel is something that can be described as jealousy.

Maybe because of different perceptions.

I´ll give an example to show that it does not mean that you do not trust your partner.

Forexample you are in a pub or restaurent wherever, a girl approaches to your boyfriend and becomes too close to him even if your bf is not interested at all, and you know totally that he would not cheat on you or even look at any girl else you. You would feel disturbed and angry against this girl. And I call it "jealousy".

But if you call your bf a few times to check him when he´s in a pub with his friends, this is jealousy as well but the kind of jealousy that is caused by lack of trust.

 I think there is not really a clear definition in the English language of the word jealous. It is often confused with envy, which is quite another unrelated emotion. Envy is to be avoided, while being jealous is natural.

Being jealous does not mean you try to posess or control your beloved. I think this is one time that there is no word to describe what I mean. Often times words loose their meaning through common use. The word jealous comes out of the word zeal. Certainly people are zealous in their affection towards their beloved.

According to your example I´m still not jealous. I wouldn´t dream of calling my partner several times when he´s out with friends. Why should I? And for that girl approaching him? I won´t be angry with her. I would feel sorry that she´s making a fool of herself trying to get someones attention who is clearly not interested.

Excuse me, but given this example why would I be "jealous"  if my boyfriend is not paying any attention to her?? .. but if the case would be that he is ignoring me and being more focus on her, then I would be dissapointed and most probably somehow angry at him because he is not being respectful ..it all depends on how the whole scenario looks like but If I really trust him why should I be jealous if he isnt interested in her?

This is what I called "being an insecured person" !! it is clear that if you call your bf/gf several times while he/she is with friends is because you want to find out what is exactly what he/she is doing?. People who do this only show how insecured they are sometimes  towards their partner.

This is example  not being jealous (according to me, of course!!).

I have friends who have been happily married for years now  When we go out to pub just to have a couple of drinks,  I notice they dont get calls from their husbands every single minute...they know their husbands "trust" them as much as they trust their husbands.

 Are we allowed to have those????

 This is a personal attack.  I have specifically stated in several posts that I am not jealous! 

 No but I´ve always been a bit of a rebel! 

No supporting link? GG, how do you expect some people to understand what you say without one?

 Okay Elisabeth....you are not jealous.....so be it....

Although you did say you would mind sharing your husband with other wives....you said you do have feelings...do those feelings have a name???

But as you say, you are not jealous....

More to the point on the topic of this thread which was are Turkish men jealous?.....it really wasn´t about if you, an American, or Trudy a European are jealous.

The question was regarding Turkish men, and I believe they are.

I´m soooooooooo sorry that I got that wrong. Happily for me it means I don´t need to search for a link for the word ´condescending´, you know what that means.

 Yes I do Trudy.....but all this has nothing to do with the topic. It´s personal dispute.

Do you want to understand Turkish culture better? You seem to be facinated with the country, based on all the trips you have made and judging from your many essays, you don´t really seem to understand the culture, but rather seek to impose your standards on it.

Turkey is NOT Holland. Even if you are not Christian, the culture is mostly dominated by Christian culture and evolved out of a Protestant Christianity, in fact your countries government policies, although secular, base their policies on basic Christian doctrine.  

 What is accepted as normal in Holland, or many other places in Europe, is not considered normal or acceptable in Turkey.

Being casual with one´s love interest and not showing any display of jealousy is one very basic difference.

 Look who´s talking.....

I am not going decry anything anyone has written here because that is your view and you are entitled to that view.  But please listen when some of us say we are not jealous.

I wrote how long I had been married and I have never been jealous.  If my husband wants to look at another woman, then so what?  If I want to look at another man, so what?  It does not mean we are going to run off with someone else, far from it, it makes our relationship stronger if we allow each other that stretch of freedom.

If I did not have my freedom (and him likewise) to the extent to which we allow, we would not have been married for so long.

LL is am still chanting my mantra.....can I stop now?

 Hahaha!! Oh sorry I didn´t say how long for.................. yes of course you can stop and go and get a well earned drink in the lounge which appears to be sadly in decline in these times of recession   some people hey???

 Lounge is very lonely......our bartender has been on hiatis!  I will have to start without everyone!

Not having enough time to write, but want to add my 2 pennies.

Jealousy is norm in our culture, it goes both ways, i mean its a he and a she thing , no differences here.

To us, its essential in the relationship to some extent, but if it exceeded it, then its sickness and can break up the relationship all together

Still, if you dont feel jealous, then you simply dont care, dont love !

So, actually we dont really get it when others ´other cultures´ say they dont get/feel jealous.

Ýn our logic/understanding/culture, Yes, s/he trust him/herself, successful, trust him/her and at same time feel jealus too...by no mean nothing to be ashamed of!

 A sensible post in a sea of crap

Complete agree!

 It is not "jealousy" which breaks up relationships....it is the "suspicion".

 They are two totally different creatures....

Jealousy is not a cultural norm - it is a deeply human feeling!

We all have it, and it comes along with having a mate, and along with living with potential distractors of our partner. Jealousy is in a way the reversed desire of keeping what is "yours". Through history and in different cultures there were always ways to fight for the lady you want, for eg. In fairy tales, look how many difficulties one has to overpass to attain the love of his life. And gealousy implied duels,  fighting of two men, to settle things down. Who´s better for the woman. The same goes on the other directon too. The wiser woman, better cook, nicer, more beautiful is the one that will attract more. So gealousy is a natural feeling.

About suspicions, what Alpha said above - it is like in business, once bitten you are suspicious. Maybe it is only the degree of it. Let´s say vigilency is a normal outcome of knowing you might loose what you have... Until trust comes in there is much water to run down the Nile, as they say. There is seldom such thing as predestination, love needs to be fed, with many things. Sometimes even jealousy. To know that you have to treasure what you have. And up to the spiritual level,there is a long way to run...

Dear Cecile, since it has been started a huge discussion on this issue, it is not the jealousy what is the real topic to talk about here, . It is the way man operate, how much freedom they give you. How much possessiveness they show in balancing their jealousy. Sometimes it is easier to "cage" women than to offer her what she needs. So musulmanism hides traps, also, because it is said, one has to treat her wife well, but what is well? and who is a true follower of the guidelines? It is also about sexism, men are to have freedom in satisfying their hunting needs even at the cost of the happiness they offer to their women. This is what you have to face and try to balance for your own needs for happiness

What if jealousy starts at the point when one is forbidden to leave the house, just not to be a target of other men´s gazes?

What if jealousy starts when the other is constantly flirting with people?

It is natural to admire beauties and delightful to realise that you have your partner who has many qualities and whom you love. But when these little games turn into a much more unfair attitude, then is what i call jealousy. Cecile is afterall intending to live in Turkey...

And yes, Libra, I agree, freedom is one of the key concepts of long lasting relationships.

 Flirting is an art.  It has nothing to do with infidelity, but more about charm.  It is thought "proper" for example to mildly flirt with your boss´s wife/husband to make them feel special

Dont give flirting a bad name!

Flirting should be practised often and the world would be a nicer place

agreed - unless he does it often and in front of my very own eyes... he should be also good at doing it!

PS. ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH your boss´ relatives?

From what I know of Turkish culture, that is a recipe for disaster!Ahh....the fun of cultural differences....

Though I am sure, that turkish men do not loose a chance to throw a charming and admirative look at the boss´s wife...

Well, I think most Turkish men are very careful how they look at the boss´s wife. I think the term respectful is more like it. Flirting with the boss´s wife would not be a good career move, generally speaking..........

 Wonderful!

There are many ways of keeping your freedom; marriying a Turkish man is not one of the smartest ways. 

hmm... mind me, but i do not think flirting means only a direct glance thrown at a lady, maning an admirative appreciation of her curves and possible veleities as magna mater... flirting is a subtile and versatile art.

yup... nice to chamble and throw opinions late in the evening on cosy subjects...

I think the feeling of jealousy decreases by the years of relationship. The things that make you jealous become really the serious things, I guess if your husband starts to have an affair with a woman, then you will get jealous. Just an imaginative scenery.

Then there´s this sweet kind of jealousy, usually at the begining of a relationship. If he admires a woman, you wish it was you, and you tease him, nothing harmful. Just you´re looking for attention from his part. An initial phase in a relationship, where you´re hungry for love and attention.

Jealousy is not a pure emotion, it´s complexed, and consists of different emotions. It has degrees and types. A little bit of sun at the right dose gives fresshness and vitality to your skin, but too much of sun burns your skin. When it starts to annoy your partner or/and limits his/her life, then it becomes  harmful both to you and to your relationship.

But at the same time, at right times, and in right degrees, it makes the one you´re jealous of feel himself/herself loved and protected. And as well, being a little bit of jealous motivates you to improve yourself.

Lovers in the beginning of the relationships resembles little children. It´s real. Most of the attitudes and feelings of lovers show similarity with children. Like a little child getting jealous of his/her mother´s attention going to someone else, a lover do not want to share his lover. It does not mean that the child does not trust his/her mum, in the contrary she´s his/her most trusted.

"in my opinion", jealousy has always existed in romantic relationships even though we are not classified as a jealous person and as it has survived till today, it must have kind of benefits to the relationship.

Any jealousy in a relationship means that it never starts for me.........

I find jealousy the biggest turn off of all!!!

 well, I forgot to add that there may be exceptions

There is an interesting fact that actually jealousy, if expressed in certain ways makes us run off the fastest way possible. This feeling feeds games also, which can be benefic, but also malefi to a relationship, depending on the extent and intensity of the feeling. In certain conditions, I can agree with Bod. On the other hand, jealousy implies the desire tyo fight with possible competitors, but there are other ways, too...

Well, that gives credibility to the saying, "there is something for everyone....."