merhaba!

I was browsing the site reading different stories about Turkish boys and foreign girls...and I want to ask you how serious the relation should be in order for a girl to be presented to the boy`s family? Is this something ordinary (like in the western families) or "meeting the parents" and "sleeping in their house" are supposed to be something quite serious?

tesekkurler

hi

I think it will show itself. When I met Kadir's parents, I was nervous too. But they are very modern people and we shook hands and kissed both cheeks. It was a bit embarrassing as in Holland we kiss three times: the first cheek gets a second kiss.
So I moved to give the third, and there was no cheek

I would behave like you usually do. If they are open-minded people, they will understand that you don't know the cultural code, and just saying one or two things in Turkish, will show them that at least you try

When I first met Kadir's mum, I said 'çok memnun oldum'. She smiled 'ohh so cute' gibi, so I figure this is only said when leaving

The next morning (Kadir and I got separate bedrooms and I stayed in a room with my younger sister), I offered to help with the breakfast, so she told me to cut the bread and pour the tea. Though I don't consider myself to be an adult and I'm sure that Kadir's previous girlfriends will have looked older, I'm sure his mother would never have treated them the friendly way she treated me. Kadir's parents don't speak English very well, so they spoke Turkish to me and I replied them in basic, 'mistake-full' Turkish. But I showed that I tried

I think it is all about your attitude: just be friendly and open and let them know that you really appreciate their invitation.

I agree with Erdinç.. the hand-kissing thing is really not a good idea. Before Kadir and I left the pansiyon he stayed in, the family of the owner (we became friendly with them), came to wave us goodbye. Kadir shook hands and kissed and I followed. One of the elder woman, who was a lovely, small, woman just grabbed my hand and I kissed and she put it on my forehead. So.. if someone really has the intention to do this to you, they will already probably do so

Like Erdinç said.. I'd be warned though.. Maybe they will just smile, because they don't usually do it, but understand that you read it probably in a travel-guide.. but maybe they expected you to do so anyway. In that case..

There is a whole and unique way of understanding the World behind this hand kissing tradition. I don't want to talk to much on this unique way but it is sick. If my parents were the type of people who let their hands kissed by adults I would stop talking to my parents. It's too sick.

hepinize cok tesekkur ederim!

still, my question was not about hand-kissing (an interesting issue, though), but about how seriuos a relation is supposed to be when the girl meets the parents....

Yes I am also interested in knowing what is sick about this. My ex-boyfriend told me you do this to older people in Turkey, but he was from a traditional religious family, should this have been some sort of "sign" to me?

As when my grandfather was very sick just before he died, my b/f did this to him when he would visit. We are 25, is this odd?
Thanks

sorry had to delete

I am sure you are right. However, don't you think it would be wise to listen to the advice of fellow Turkish classmates? Perhaps, as was suggested, it would be interesting to talk to a "city" Turkish girl about this subject. If your relationship is as serious as you say, it would be wise to find out all your can about your boyfriend's family, and their true feelings about your relationship. Good luck!

Problem family? Oh what do you mean Erdinç? Is this a serious thing to happen? Why? I just thought it was a sign of respect.

Apologies in advance if this upsets anyone, but I do not believe there is ANY occasion when a "traditional" Turkish family would be happy for their son to marry outside their culture, religion and country, unless the long term prospects of such a marriage were of financial benefit.

Such things are taken so lightly in European countries and it is only the happiness of the daughter or son which matters. We do not have to support our parents when we start working and throughout our lives, and in fact rely on our parents financially throughout much of our lifetime.

In Turkey the opposite is true and therefore the financial prospects of marriage MUST be of great importance to them. I am sure there are exceptions, but this is just my view.

It can be a sign of respect but in this case the ones who kiss give the respect and not the ones who let their hand kissed ask for respect. There is reason to be suspicious since the person should not ask for her hand to be kissed.

I agree that it is a sign of respect but it is more common for children. Kissing hands between adults is very limited to certain relatives.

In any case there is strong reason for being suspicious. Most of our members in this website are from West Turkia and they have no idea about these traditional families. If it had been reletad to themselves they would automaticaly avoid contact with those people.

Signs to be suspicious of:

1. If adults kiss another adults hand
2. If there is economical relation inside the bigger family
3. If the family owns lots of land but is very poor
4. If there is a female living in a house of relatives that you can not explain
5. If young female members of the family wear headscarf
6. When walking in the street if female family members are walking behind a male family member (age of this male is unimportant).
7. If your boyfriend has no normal female friend at all
8. If your botfriend listens arabesk music
9. If your boyfriend can't wear a short and t-short in public or he shows some resistance for wearing either shorts or t-shorts.
10. If any of the male members of the family wear a silver ring

You should be suspicious about this family.

well, my husbands family and family friend sall expect me to kiss their hands-theres nothing starnge or weird about it.but they are from a village
and i am fully accepted and appreciated despite not being turkish.....could be because im muslim and dont look english neway
so think that some people here are wrong and highly judgemental yaw

and by the way to answer ur question yes being presented to the family is serious

OK I stand corrected. Free drinks at the bar for Chantal and Cyrano!

probabluy because we arent so judgemental about people..but take them on the person that they are..rather than where they come from..or wot they do

and i AM FULLY ACCEPTED and active in life where i live..in the turkish community that we know just 2 put da record straight

YEY CYRANO

İ see it as a sign of respect too,i don't think it is a rule applying to every family,each family is different with its own believes,and there are some educated turkish people,who live in a modern and educated turkish families,and has a very open prospect to the western life style,they already lived there,and they STİLL kissing the parents hands,it shows respect,although i never done such a thing before,it is not easy,but,i appreciate it,even they are from the high member of the society,but they don't see no harm in kissing parents hands,out of respect,they have done the hard thing and thats lovely

YEY CHANTAL TOO

If you marry a somebody you expect to share your life. You expect to make desicions together related to your marriage.

For instance you expect to decide together where you will live, buy a house, grow your children, where you invest your money etc. In a traditional family a man, instead talking to his wife will talk to other male members of his familiy and then will make desicions on these issues.

Of course it is possible that the male members might decide on directions where it is the most to benefit from. In all possible cases, in too tradition families the females have no say but the man and his family may pretend differently until a certain time.

If you think this is not a problem for you then good luck.

i know because i am 21-and not disrespectful-firstly aenigma if u knew anything about basildon u would know that we have quite a lot of turkish people from a traditional kurdish village background living together in this area.
secondly he has lots of family in london..who we see frequently
SO NEXT TIME PLEASE CHECK UR FACTS BEFOR EMAKING ASSUMPTIONS YEH
Secondly, erdinc, i grew up in england..i may be muslim but im not a pushover..i dont take crap from him or his family...he already tries to tell ne what to do..and i tell him where 2 shove it

Erdinc, i understand most of what u say.. but .. what does the silver ring symbolise? is it some kind of sign for power?

i meant thirdly,erdinc

oh yeah...and i have no money..so nothing to gain

No. Silver ring is a religios symbol for men.

who said i lived in turkey yawwww?? :-S

why wots funny izmir

yes it is.

Are you even serious, Erdinç? What does the silver ring has to do with it all? Anyways from your list and even without it i know that they are in no way ´a problem family´!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

already got a british passport..anything else he could gain?

i never read ur post...i just found it disturbing what people try 2 incinuate..personally i think its pathetic and immature
it is the 21st century u know guys

A silver ring that is worn by men is an İslamic symbol and means I'm one of you my brothers. By wearing a silver ring they are expecting support, recognition and easier commonication within their religious communities. It is a sign of commitment for their religious community.

of course.... well it could be my brain and sparkling wit.. i did get straight a's

im muslim hun-i dont drink very cheap yaw

Woow.. In only 10 minutes we got from 3 pages to 7 pages? Stop talking

Thanks for the drinks BTW .

Erdinç: why do you always say Turkish people are bad, and only think of living in Western countries with girls who have a lot of money?? I've never seen you saying anything positive about Turkey .
You make me curious about how you got yourself into the UK

I'm serious..

So am I!

Hahahahaha!

well...hubby is married to me(obviously) and muslim and yet wears a gold ring...as do all the other turkish muslim men i know that are married :-S

As I said, many natives here have never been to places in Turkia where I spend years living there. It is normal that you don't know everything about traditional lifstyles in Turkia. Of course it is only natural that foreign teenagers who like spending time in our forums may know even less.

I'm in the UK as part of my job as a teacher. I have worked and lived in many different cities, towns and villages in Turkia as part of my job.

I don't need to show another sorce of the things that I mention here. I'm writing the things that I know from my own experience.

i know..just saying yaw

Why can't people just be themselves. If someone is from another country, culture or religion, there should be tolerance I feel. I shouldn't have to worry about meeting someones family and what to wear not what to wear, what to say or not to say, kiss or not to kiss. I don't think this is less consideration or a lack of respect at all. When foreigners come to my country I don't expect them to change how they dress, communicate etc... We all should show more patience and tolerence for eachother. Don't get me wrong, I would want to set a good impression on the family, but really isn't that commen sense. No, I'm not going to wear a miniskirt, but then again I'm not wearing a long sleeved shirt and long dress. However, I would want the family to accept me for who I am, not who I'm pretending to be.

Very well said , Teaschip,
I am totally agree with you.

Great in an ideal world...but its not an ideal world sadly.

But it can also be in real world,just like teaschip has said, ''I'm not going to wear a miniskirt, but then again I'm not wearing a long sleeved shirt and long dress ''

So she is going to respect their traditions,and not going to be odd among them,but at same time,she would have her own space

And i totaly agree with that,because you just cann't pretend all the time to be someone else other than yourself

Or at least other than the one you want,and able to be

Great - totally agree with you! But whilst there is still massive prejudice of race, religion and nationality, nothing you wear will make much difference.

I have only just picked up this thread and want to make a comment about the handkissing.

When I went the wedding of a friend in Istanbul, when he was receiving guests after the ceremony, I noticed that he greeted an old lady and he kissed her hand and put it on his forehead. Now he is 35 and a very liberal Turk.

I would assume that this is a custom between families and not one that an "outsider" would particpate in.

We will be waiting for it. You got me curious.

I once sent a song to a Turkish friend of mine and he said people would find it very very weird that a young western girl liked such music. I think it was halk müziği though.

Speaking of Arabesk, can someone in the meantime tell me some good Arabesk singers? (to state music as 'good' you don't necessarily have to like it ).

Here are two of the very best songs of all time of music of pain:

edit:
active links are below on the next message.

It doesn't get any more arabesk than this.

Yes, it doesn't work now. Must be because their bandwidt.

Well I found them both and downloaded and listened them. I like the Ibo-song, but I've really had enough of his voice. I wish someone else sang it, cos I like the instruments and melody-line.

The other one doesn't really do anything with me. I think that is because the instruments are not that prominent. I usually love the songs with strong company of instruments.

It is very interesting everything that was said. However, I am very attentive to erdinc's comments, and I pondered on the list of 10 things or signs to look for in a 'problem or too traditional' family. So if i can associate with two or more things in my boyfriend's family which are the wearing of headscarves and he not having any close female friends, should I be concerned. He does not like the idea of me talking to guys or going out with a mxied group of friends. I assumed this was a common Turkish behavior. Please do enlighten me.

caribena,
The assumtions foreign women make about their Turkish boyfriends usually ruin their life. It is very common for a foreign female to be in relation with a Turkish guy who would never have a normal relationship with a Turkish girl. Foreigners simply don't understand some lifstyles because there is no such lifestyle or anything smillar where they come from.
I have serious doubts about your relationship from what you have told.

really ???

Why ?

Oh yes, I've heard of that in the UK too. Men do it mostly, they cut themselves to relieve tension and stress Personally I'd sooner have a nice bottle of red wine to do the same job

Julia

I would like to say, not to worry about all this debate on the forum.
Different people seem to be generalising to such an extent that you should be trying to read into the entire family mentality from different traditions they follow.
What I and my friends have found is that all familys will give you a great amount of patients for mistakes you make. And they will show great respect for any tiny amount of effort you show e.g. the women respect that I help in the kitchen (me being a man) and the men respect me for learning backgammon. Further, they really enjoy watching me try my best with the language.

As for which customs will be important. The only person to know will be your partner. Just for an example of how particular it can be for different families and communities I'll explain my partners family. They part of the Tukish communities that were exiled from Bulgaria, and now live in the Europe side of Turkey. In Bulgaria they did not kiss hands, but in this part of Turkey they do, so some people pull htere hand away with a laugh and an extra kind hand shake, and other let you kiss the hand. I only ever kiss hands when I have seen my partner do it. The same with kissing cheeks. The normal reaction is one of laughter, or the 'well trained' boyfriend (in the nicest possible way), and gratitued for the effort.
As for all the customes your partners family follow, I would say, some of them your partner may forget to mention (being so normal for him) and therefore you will have to learn along the way, but as I have said, don't be scared as they will give you room for error....

.....and if they don't.....well that's in-laws.

Is it really hand Kissing.. OR.. Pretending?
cause normaly when we kiss someone on the cheeks,for saying hello,we pretend to kiss

I only ever did hand kissing to his grandparents, anyone else was both cheeks (pretending as such..just sort of rub cheeks lol) although ill admit the first time i did it to his mother infront of a crowd i actually kissed her and left proof, when she turned around the silence broke and everyone started laughing as she wore my lipstick on her flushed cheeks!!!

Never again..

I only ever kiss someones hand when its forced in my face, anything to keep the in laws( x inlaws) happy, but the close family members dont tend to only the olders..

My eldest daughter who is know coming up three refuses to kiss hands and kisses both cheeks of all male family members, though she still tries to snog all her turk aunties, grandam .. i didnt teach her!!

Me and My girls get accpeted by the in-laws, even though me and my x husband now divorced and have nothing to do with him..i still have contact on regular basis with all his family, whilst hes not bothering too, and to think at one point i was worried of not being accepted!

salla..

I love my Turkish in (X)Laws so much....that, im preparing to meet my boyfriends family soon, yaaaa no real kissing cheeks this time

This thread and the talk about traditional families has really shocked me. It is not what I have experienced at all. Of course there are some families that have major problems (as there are anywhere) but you can't put everyone in a category just because they keep some old traditions.

My in-laws are somewhat conservative but they have accepted me with open arms even though the relationship has caused them some problems. Those who speak english have become really good friends of mine and those who don't (which is most of them) encourage me to learn turkish and they want me to teach them english and all together they are ten times more generous and friendly than my own family. They have quickly made me relax even though their culture is very different from anything I have seen before.

Hi everyone. I would like to start off first by stating that I also have a Turkish fiance, whom I love with all my heart. I'm a black female from Texas, and he's from Adana-Incirlik. I was wondering if anyone was familiar with the area, and if so, what can you tell me that I should know. Having read through some of the postings on here, I've noticed that everyone is pretty opinionated, and I like that. So if i could get some feedback, I would GREATLY appreciate it.
Thanx