Got some but please can you contribute with more????Thanx in advance...
Question: What's a quick way to double your money?
Answer: YOU FOLD IT!

Question: What can run but can't walk?
Answer: Water.

Question: Who sits on babies?
Answer: A babysitter.
Question: What's a car with music coming out of it?
Answer: A cartoon.

Question: Why did the boy sleep with a ruler?
Answer: To see how long he could sleep.

Question: What did one wall say to the other wall?
Answer: Meet you at the corner!
Question: Why is "B' such a lazy letter?
Answer: Because it's always in "BED".

Question: What happened when 500 hares got loose on the main street?
Answer: The police had to comb the area.

Question: Why did the man throw the clock out the window?
Answer: To see time fly!
Question: Why did the pickle stay home from school?
Answer: It felt dill.

Question: What is a state you can wear?
Answer: New Jersey.

Question: What the cowboy say to the pencil?
Answer: Draw partner.

a joke i received today:
why do men have only one wife?
because they are protected by law.

How do you know when you have passed and elephant?
You can't put the toilet seat down.

How do you know when you have an elephant in your bed?
By the 'E' embroidered on it's pyjamas.


How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.

There's another one about an elephant and a tree but I can't remember it (guess I'm not an elephant with a memory like that)


What do they call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do they call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.

Did you hear Whoopi Goldberg married Gerard Depardieu? She's now known as Whoopi Depardieu (dupidoo).

grrrrrrrrrrrroan

2 parrots sat on a perch.One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan.

Q: Why did the blonde have square tits?
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?"

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

I personally belive..

A blondie at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor announces"you will have twins"
she bursts into tears.."why are you crying?"the doctor asks.
"I know the father of the first one but who is the father of the other?????"

A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"

Understanding Men

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why It's GREAT To Be A Guy...

- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

- Your orgasms are real. Always.

- Your last name stays put.

- The garage is all yours.

- Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can be president.

- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

- Foreplay is optional.

- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

- You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

- The world is your urinal.

- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

- Same work... more pay.

- Wrinkles add character.

- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

- Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

- Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

- Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

- One mood, all the time.

Politically Correct Descriptions For Men

He does not have a BEER GUT.
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER.
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING.
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.
He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.
He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

Men Are Like...

... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

... Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.

... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...

Two women talking at a weight loss class.

first woman: I've already lost 168 pounds.

second woman : wow what's your secret?

first woman: I divorced it





Doctor: congratulations! You are going to have ababy.

Blonde: Is it mine?

You know ladies, these are rather chauvinistic jokes. How would you like it if the word woman was used instead of man?

Catwoman, I thought you were against all this man-hating crap?

The blond ones were sorta bad too, I just noticed the man ones and mentioned it.

Containing the word "blonde" doesn't make a joke funny

Vay canım you considder me a blonde? Maybe in turkish standard but otherwise.... Don't know whether I should be offended considdering the jokes and all

hehe abi it's funny you say yellow it's very turkish to say that Anyway I'm spoiling the jokes thread sorry (with your post #37 in mind). Carry on

What goes ha ha bonk?

A man or woman laughing his/her head off.


me thinks this is too PC

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Mustache.

Mustache who?

Must you stash your mustache in my knock-knock joke?

Who know would that elephant get offended too!!?? :-S

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

What to you call a spider with no legs?

A currant.

Marty was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him ' Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!
The next morning Marty got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, his wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Marty has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

This will drive you mad................

On the chair where you are sitting right now, lift up your right foot and move it in clockwise circles. At the same time, lift up your right hand and draw 6 in the air..
.
.
.
.
................ your foot will change diretion !!!!

A blonde walks into a store, approachs the counter and says the man behind the counter

"I want to buy that TV in the corner".

The man replies "I don't serve blondes"

Annoyed and angry, she goes home and dyes her hair black. The next day she puts her sunglasses on and goes to the same store, the same guy, points to the same place and says "I want to buy that TV in the cortner"

The man replies again "I don't serve blondes"

Completely perplexed, she goes home and dyes her hair red. Goes back to the store and says the same guy again "I want to buy that TV in the corner"

The man replies "I don't serve blondes"

The woman replies totally frustrated "How do you know I am blonde"
.
.
.
.
.
.
The man replies:
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
....."Because that isn't a TV, it's a microwave!"

This is extremely blondist!!!

Geeeeeeeeezzz... let's fight ladiez, I'm putting my bet on adonisTheCarismatic!

That is a losing bet kitty.

Three drunks show up at the local whorehouse and the madam realizes they are too drunk to be able to function.

One by one, she sends them up to a room containing an inflatable rubber female doll.

The first drunk returns bragging about what great sex he just got done having; the second one does the same, but the third one returns with a puzzled look on his face.

When asked about it by his buddies he says, "I thought I was doing great until "I bit her on the tit, she let a fart and flew out the window!"

This little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"


The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking.


"That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table.


He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.


She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.


After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Maam, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "the teeth".

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now.
Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Just small inter-sex talks...
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Yo Mama Jokes (5 Year Old Edition)

A farmer needs a new cockerel for his chickens. He goes to the bazaar and finds a really horny one.

As soon he gets back, he realeases the cockerel into the coop and he starts working on chickens with all feathers flying ,cluckings etc.

The cockerel seems extrelemy horny and he is always on a chicken. the farmer starts to get worried about the cockerel incase something will happen to him.

And a week later, when the farmer comes back to the coop, he sees the cockerel is laying on his back, his legs are up and his tongue is sticking out and a vulture is circling above!!

The farmer starts to grumble ' I knew it was coming, i wanted a real one but i never expected he would die in a week'
And at that moment the cockerel, whose legs are up and laying on his back, opens an eye and says to the farmer:
'shhhh and get out of here before you scare the vulture'

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson, be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be
disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on
a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read
it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized ".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do
not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &
Johnson.

Some nun jokes:

Two nuns are driving along on a stormy night when they are pulled over by a vampire. One nun says to the other "show him your cross" The other yells out the window " get out of our $%^%ing way you git!",

Three nuns die and end up at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter says that before they can enter, they must first each answer a question. To the first he asks " who were the first humans?" She says "Adam and Eve" and he lets her in. To the second he asks "where did they live?" She says "In the garden of Eden" and she too is admitted. Then he asks the third, "what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She replies "My goodness that's a hard one" and he opens the gate once again.

A vicar and his friend are playing golf. His friend misses a three foot putt and says "damn! missed the bugger!" The vicar is shocked by his language and tells him that God will strike him down if he keeps on cursing. The friend laughs and says the same thing when he misses the next shot. Suddenly, there is a bolt from the sky and the vicar is struck dead! Then a voice out of the heavens calls "Damn! Missed the bugger!"

British sense of humoUr made my day


John Cleese's "Letter To America"

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra"; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for "Big Girls Blouse").

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese

Very funny Daydreamer!!

I love John Cleese!

Brilliant!

The Colonel and the Camel

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"

"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point."

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?"

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

"Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"

Better health plan

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was
being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room
where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the
Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

"Ah," said the doctor, "Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that
you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."

"Oh." said Her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable."

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open
and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

"Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty, "I demand an explanation of
this kind of sordid goings- on!"

"Ah," said the Doctor, "same problem - better health plan."

Pet Names

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her real name about ten years ago."

O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,etc. on TV.

Believe it or not.
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MENstrual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

Beauty Parlor:
A place where women curl up and dye

Cannibal:
Someone who is fed up with people

Dust:
Mud with the juice squeezed out

Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

Gossip:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage

Handkerchief:
Cold storage

Inflation:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

Raisin:
Grape with a sunburn

Tomorrow:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

Mosquito:
An insect that makes you like flies better

Yawn:
An honest opinion openly expressed

Secret:
Something you tell to one person at a time
Atom Bomb: An invention made to end all inventions.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Classic: A book which people praises, but do not read.

College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually looks forward to the trip.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

World's Worst Pick-up Lines...


Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

-What do dyslexic agnostic insomniacs do?
-Stay up all night wondering if there's a dog.

MATH
Smart man + smart woman = Romance
Smart man + dumb woman = Pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = Affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = Marriage

Men's Guide to Women's Language

She's says It means
---------- --------

You want -- You want

We need -- I want

It's your decision -- The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want -- You'll pay for this later

We need to talk -- I need to complain

Sure, go ahead -- I don't want you to.

I'm not upset -- Of course I'm upset, you moron.

You're so manly -- You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive -- Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!-- I'm on my period!

This kitchen is so incovenient-- I want a new house.I want new curtains and new carpeting, and new furniture...

I heard a noise -- I noticed you were asleep

Do you love me? -- I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me?-- I did something today that you're really not going to like.

You have to learn to communicate-- Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me??-- [To late, you're dead!]


Yes -- No

No -- No

Maybe -- No

I'm sorry -- You'll be sorry

I'm not yelling -- Yes, I'm yelling because I think this is important

Women's Guide to Men's Language

Men's Dictionary

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay

Rules that guys wish women new

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
7. Shopping is something we will never enjoy.
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
9. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
10. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
13. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
17. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
18. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
19. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
20. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
21. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
23. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
24. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
25. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
26. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

What Men REALLY Mean ...

"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means...."Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means...."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures, and has a better driving record than I have."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...."As long as you don't expect me to paint it. In which case I like the color it is NOW nust fine."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means...."It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...."She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means...."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...."I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...."She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, blood, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address and eye color of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means...."Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely cueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...."You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...."I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...."You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't let her try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find any clean socks, the kids are hungry, and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."I'm starting to like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...."Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...."I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means...."It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her." s
Really means.... "She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...."Let's go someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

:-S

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory two meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(1 After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.'

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

Girl Power! Have a go, it is harder than you think

Today´s discussion reminded me of that (now, why would a men give it all up? )

HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954


* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

* Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you´ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

* Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children´s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

* Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

* Some don´ts: Don´t greet him with problems or complaints. Don´t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

* Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

* Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

* The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

This is actually a beautiful story, not a joke...

Far far away, there was a kingdom where a beautiful, independent and self-confident princess lived. One day, the princess saw a frog sitting on a rock and staring at the crystal-clear pond next to the castle. The frog quickly jumped on the princesses´ knees and said: "Beautiful Lady, I used to be a handsome prince, until one day an evil witch cast a spell on me. Your one kiss will make me a young, swift prince again. Then we will marry and will live with my mother in your castle. There, you will be preparing meals for me, do my laundry, give birth to my children and we will live happily ever after... " That evening, while making supper, spicing it with white wine and preparing an onion-sour cream sauce, the princess, while quietly giggling, thought:

- "I don´t fuc...g think so"

And she kept on rolling over the frying frog legs on the pan.

 Great story. hahaha

Cat,Disney will sue you lol

To much for their prince charming

boooo..

This is not funny..

As I said, it´s not supposed to be funny, it´s very serious... and be careful handsom, the "prince charming" story (like Canli said), is a thing of the past!

I will sue Disney for spreading lies to children!!!

 lollll...count me in then...

Except for Disney,we wouldnt have Dudu ´s

We can make LOTS of money out of that  lol

 Especially that last sentence.....  

A laugh for Monday!  They glued his flip flops...

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1501908/flip_flop_glue_prank/

How to speak to a Woman and remain..."POLITICALLY CORRECT"

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN & BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a "beer gut" - he has developed a "liquid grain storage facility"

He is not a "bad dancer" - he is "overly caucasian"

He does not "get lost all the time" - he investigates alternative destinations"

He is not "balding" - he is in "follicle regression"

He is not a "cradle robber" - he prefers "generational differential relationships"

He does not get "falling-down drunk" - he becomes "accidentally horizontal"

He does not act like a "total ass" - he devolops a case of "rectal-cranial inversion"

He is not a "male chauvinist pig" - he has "swine empathy"

He is not afraid of "commitment" - he is "relationship challenged"

He is not "horny" - he is "sexually focused"
It´s not his "crack" you see hanging out of his pants - "its his rear cleavage"

The Perfect Couple

 
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
 
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were
driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding
road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in
distress.
 
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.  There
stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting
to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the
perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their
vehicle.  Soon they were driving along delivering the
toys.
 
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.  Only one
of them survived the accident.
 
Who was the survivor?  (Scroll down for the answer.)

















The perfect woman survived.  She´s the only one who really
existed in the first place.  Everyone knows there is no
Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
 
 
***** Women stop reading here.     *****
***** This is the end of the joke. *****
***** Men keep scrolling.          *****




















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the
perfect woman must have been driving.  This explains why
there was a car accident.
 
By the way, if you´re a woman and you´re reading this, you
have illustrated another important point: women never
listen either.

How to talk to a man - five secrets every woman should know!

1. You cannot talk to men the way you talk to other women.

SECRET #1: Don’t approach men for conversation when they are not in an approach mode. Give them time and opportunity to be able to listen to you. They want to be there for you and give you what you need, but you have to understand that they need to have distractions removed, time to focus on the conversation, and a clear and defined understanding of what you want from them.

2. Men have been programmed for centuries to take care of the family.

SECRET #2: Don’t misinterpret the silent male or underestimate how much you mean to him. He is highly vulnerable to you.

3. Men do not heal from emotional wounds as well as women do.

SECRET #3: You give meaning to your guy’s life. You matter far more to him than either of you realize. Be careful and kind with your words.

4. Men relate to other people better by doing activities with them.

SECRET #4: Find at least one activity that you both have a passion for and do it together. This strengthens your bond and gives him a sense of success.

5. Men love routine.

SECRET #5: Build some loving routines together. You might think that you are both just wordlessly watching TV, while he might see that activity as part of your togetherness. Predictable patterns in your relationship keep him grounded.

The truth.....:

The truth is this Trudy, not what you posted.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ´Good morning, Ma´am. What are you doing?´
´Reading a book,´ she replies, (thinking, ´Isn´t that obvious?´
´You´re in a Restricted Fishing Area,´ he informs her
´I´m sorry, officer, but I´m not fishing. I´m reading´
´Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.  I´ll have to take you in and write you up.´
´For reading a book?´ she replies.
´Yes, ´ he answers.
´If you do that, I´ll have to charge you with sexual assault,´ says the woman..
´But I haven´t even touched you,´ says the game warden.
´That´s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.´
´Have a nice day ma´am,´ and he left.

HAHAHA!!!!!!!!I really liked this one!!!!!!

Turkish wedding customs thread reminded me this joke:

Naive bride:

In one of the villages in Anatolia, a girl lived. Because her family did not send her to schools, kept her inside and away from the boys of the village, she was a bit naive.
One day her family got her married to a boy called Hasan. At first night, she looks at  Hasan and get surprised what she sees and asks what it is.
Hasan says that: "No men have this but only me. Dont mention this secret to anybody!!"
Then they make love and the naive bride likes it very much.
A year later, Hasan goes to the army and leave his wife with a friend called Ahmet. A week later Ahmet forgets his friend and gets naked in front of the naive bride. When she sees what Ahmet has, she gets surprised but they make love anyway.
Hasan comes back from the army, the night comes, just before they start, the naive bride asks:
-I have a question for you Hasan. You said you were the only one having it but I was told, Ahmet has it too.
Hasan:
-I had two and I have given one of them to Ahmet.
And the naive bride goes:
-My sweet Hasan, why did you give the better one to Ahmet?

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked, The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

 "Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman´s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ´no´ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said ´no´ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ´yes,´ you would have given me all three. Lord, I´m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT´S why I said ´yes´ to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it´s for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That´s our story, and we´re sticking to it.

 Great story with an o-so true last paragraph.....

So true!

 oh i might have held out for brad pitt ha ha

Hazardous Materials Information Sheet

MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6 kg, but known to vary from 40-200 kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without know reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

Art of Negotiation

After a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What is it?"

"I know you created me and have provided this place with all this lovely food and all of the wonderful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ´companion´ for you."

"What´s a ´companion´, Lord?"

"Another being more like the angels than the animals you now have for company. This will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. The creature will be so intelligent that it can figure out what you want before you want it. This being will be so sensitive and caring that it will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Its beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. This entity will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire and will be the perfect answer to your loneliness, " replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"One thing, Adam, this is going to cost you."

"How much?"

"A right arm, right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time. Finally he says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

Doudie beat you to it with this one - http://www.turkishclass.com/forumTitle_31107_7 

Stop stealing the children´s jokes and find your own!

THINGS YOU´D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK (but probably shouldn´t)

1. I can see your point, but I still think you´re full of shit.
2. I don´t know what your problem is, but I´ll bet it´s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you´ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I´m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I´ll try being nicer if you´ll try being smarter.
7. I´m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. It sounds like English, but I can´t understand a damn word you´re saying.
9. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
10. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
11. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don´t give a damn.
12. I´m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
13. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
14. I´m not being rude. You´re just insignificant.
15. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
16. Do I look like a people person?
17. This isn´t an office. It´s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
19. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
22. I´m trying to imagine you with a personality.
23. Can I trade this job for what´s behind door #1?
24. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
25. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
26. Oh I get it... Like humor... But different.

Subject: Prospective Employee Assessment

To:  All Managers

The following guidelines shall be used when hiring new personnel.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don´t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it´s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they have left early, put them in Sales.

Subject: FW: continuing ed for men

WICOE (Women In Charge Of Everything) is proud to announce its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN ONLY
 
Note: due to the level of complexity and difficulty, ea ch course will accept a maximum of eight participants.

The course is over two days and the topics covered include :

     DAY ONE

    HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
    Step by step guide with slide presentation

    TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
    Round table discussion

    DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
    Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

    DISHES & SILVERWARE;
    DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
    Debate among a panel of exper ts.

    REMOTE CONTROL
    Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

    LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
    Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming
    Open forum


     DAY TWO

    EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
    DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
    Group discussion and role play

    HEALTH WATCH;
     BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
    Power-Point presentation

    REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
    Real life testimonial from the one man who did
 
    IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
    Driving simulation

    LIVING WITH ADULTS;
    BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
    Online class and role playing

    HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
    Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
 
    REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU´RE GOING TO BE LATE
    Bring your calendar or PDA to class

    GETTING OVER IT;
    LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
    Individual counselors available

Nobody commented on the continuid education for men post!

 Oh you poor popsy!  I thought it was very funny and I shall be employing some of these lessons in my own house.................even after 32 years he still "forgets" everything I have ever taught him!

 Are there really men who can learn all this?

Muhahahhahahaha

 I take that as a ´no´?

This thread is getting increasingly anti men..

(ah..of course, most of you recently discovered that you are all lesbians..)

 Can the truth be ´anti men´?

You mean switching directions from anti-woman (mostly posted by YOU Mr. Thehandsom!) to something closer to home?

Why it doesn´t pay to get married:

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one en-

gaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks

after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how

best to spice up their sex lives.



After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by

engaging in some S&M role playing.



The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last

Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend´s

office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people

had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather

bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so

aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right

then and there!"



The engaged woman giggled and said, "That´s pretty much my

story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me

waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose

and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only

screwed all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!



The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot

of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over

at Grandma´s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put

on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice,

a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.

I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got

home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down

and yelled, ´Hey, Batman, what´s for dinner?´"

The truth about the  American, British and Ozzie dumbness

http://sgsa.gameshowvideos.com/feud.php

I am always interested in articles taht start with "the truth about..."

The Home Game

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don´t get any points for doing something she expects -- sorry, that´s how the game is played.

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party.............................   0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
    a college drinking buddy......................................  -2
Named Tiffany.....................................................  -4
Tiffany is a model ...............................................  -6
When mingling, you hold your mate´s hand and gaze at her 
    lovingly......................................................  +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "ol ball and chain" and
    pat her on the butt ..........................................  -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you
    if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere
    near as attractive as you"....................................  +2
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she´s 
    attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don´t worry, she´s a lousy  
    kisser".......................................................  -6
That woman is her sister.......................................... -90
You have one drink, and that´s it.................................   0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle......  -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18

A Night At Home
You watch TV together.............................................   0
You rent a movie..................................................  +1
You rent a movie and it´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY...................  +3
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout........... +5
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep....................  -1
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool........... -2
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................  -5  
    (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding........................................ -10
You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25

Grooming
You trim your nails...............................................  +5
You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15
You shave on the weekends.........................................  +2
You don´t shave on the weekends...................................  -4
You don´t bathe on the weekends either............................  -8

Gloves

Accompanied by his sweetheart´s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart."

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp form wearing."

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

85 RULES AND INSTRUCTIONS FOR BEING "ONE OF THE GUYS"

1. Don´t call. EVER.
2. If you don´t like a girl, don´t tell her. It´s more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don´t want to answer, a grunt will do.
8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn´t your fault.
9. Lie.
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- don´t ask. People will think you have no penis.
12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
15. Everyone considers a man more important if he can write his name in urine.
16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she´s missing and love you for not giving up on her.
17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
18. Don´t wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
19. Lie.
20. Deny everything. Everything.

...

...

...

You stay by her side the entire party.......................   0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
    a college drinking buddy................................  -2
Named Tiffany...............................................  -4
Tiffany is a model .........................................  -6
When mingling, you hold your mate´s hand and gaze at her 
    lovingly................................................  +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "ol ball and chain" and
    pat her on the butt ....................................  -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you
    if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere
    near as attractive as you".............................  +2
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she´s 
    attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don´t worry, she´s a lousy  
    kisser".................................................  -6
That woman is her sister.................................... -90
You have one drink, and that´s it...........................   0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle.  -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted. -18

A Night At Home
You watch TV together.........................   0
You rent a movie............................  +1
You rent a movie and it´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY.....  +3
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout...... +5
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep........  -1
It´s SENSE and SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool.... -2
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?"...................  -5  
    (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding............... -10
You reply, "Where?"..................... -25

Grooming
You trim your nails............................  +5
You trim your nails in the living ro.......... -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..... -15
You shave on the weekends.....................  +2
You don´t shave on the weekends............  -4
You don´t bathe on the weekends eith.....  -8

This is very offensive and quite asshole-like, primitive, and sexist in a fascistic way. I thought that a mature man like you would not post such low ´jokes´.

  - where did you get the idea he is mature!! 

(BTW I thought your last post was very funny!!! - Not only mature but 100% true as well

yeah yeah.

Feminist beach voleyball team with its captain, catwoman playing again.

(omg..look at their unshaved legs and hair from their armpits )

I spend some times translating this in another thread. it is better not wasted (I find it funny anyway)

’93 Harbi çýktýðýnda, Lâzlar toplanýp Abdülhamid’e telgraf çekmiþler: Padiþahým, bize 40,000 tüfek ver; biz varýp Moskofun haddini bildiririz. Sultan düþünmüþ; vaziyet zaten kötü, ne kaybederiz? “Verin Lâz kullarýma 40,000 tüfek” buyurmuþ. Lâzlar düzülmüþ Trabzon’dan yola; Zigana geçidine varmýþ ve birden, zýnk diye durmuþlar. Geçidin sað baþýnda, kayalarýn üzerinde bir Kürt þaki, uzaklara bakýyor. (Ahmed aðabey bu noktada elini gözlerine siper eder ve tekrarlardý: “Aþaðýdaki Lâzlara hiç bakmýyor, uzaklara bakýyor.” Sola dönmüþler; orada da ikinci bir Kürt þaki, aþaðýdaki Lâzlara deðil, sadece uzaklara bakýyor.... Dönmüþler Trabzon’a; Ýstanbul’a bir tel daha çekmiþler: “Sultaným, Zigana geçidini iki Kürt eþkiya tutmuþ. Sen hele bir bölük jandarma gönder, geçidi açsýnlar, sonra biz gene varýr Moskofu tarümar ederiz.”

 --------------------------------

During 1877-1878 Ottoman -Russian war, lazs (people from the black sea region) sent a telegraph to Sultan  Abdülhamid : "our sultan, sent us 40.000 rifles. we will go and teach Moskov a lesson". Sultan thinks about it a bit: "The situation is not great and what do we lose?" and he orders "give 40.000 rifles to my laz subjects ".

Then lazs start to travel from Trabzon (a northern city). When they arrive to this place called Zigana passage (in the mountains) they stop abrutly. Because they see a Kurdish brigand on the right side , on a rock and he looking far away (not looking at lazs). They turn to the left, another Kurdish brigand. He is looking at far away too..Then lazs turn back to Trabzonand send another telegraph to Istanbul. "My sultan, two Kurdish brigands are holding Zigana passage, please send some  gendarmes so they could open the passage , then we go and deal with Moskov""

Handsom, this is really a teenager response. I know you think it´s funny, but many people out there take it seriously. Do you really find demeaning women such a good ´joke´ topic? And, I would like to check if your legs are shaved first before you can have any business in making comments about mine.