Hello Everyone!

I know this is pathetic of me to post a question regarding my relationship with my Turkish boyfriend but I can´t help myself.  So sorry to those I offend.  But here goes....

He says he loves me all the time and that I´m beautiful and special and that I am his life.  But he doesn´t like to spend his free time with me!  I have to beg him to do anything with me.  He would rather play cards or backgammon with his friends or on his computer than hang out with me.  I never had a boyfriend do this before.  Is this a Turkish thing?  I don´t get it.  He´s not a boy.  He´s 35 years old and has his own business.  He even asked me to marry him.  Why would he want to marry someone he doesn´t like to spend time with?  I don´t think it´s a visa thing because he´d rather live in Turkey and so would I.

I asked him why he does this and he says it´s not true, that we do spend time together.  I don´t think 2 hours at night in bed correlates to hanging out and sharing experiences.  He just doesn´t get it.

Is it a Turkish thing?  Or did I fall in love with a jerk?  He won´t even help me learn Turkish.  He makes one of his workers tutor me.  We´ve been together 6 months now, but it seems it´s always been this way.  He´s really sweet to me otherwise.  Am I stupid or what?

Yes it might be a Turkish thing for some men..He sounds like my father actually..He almost spent his entire life in ´kahvehane´s..

Why dont you learn back gammon and okey and 51 for yourself. And arrange a room and smoke many cigs inside -do not open the windows- so the room can be quite smokey. And make turkish tea with carbonate. And also learn a few swearing words..

Basically, you try to create kind of same environment, incase it helps..

loved it!

Dear Handsom

thank you for your reply.  you know what?  you just totally described my boyfriend.  I am doomed.  I used to think the problem was that he doesn´t speak very good english but now...maybe not.  He´s just that kind of guy.  Thank you.

 Funny thing, you are describing someone I know (knew) very well.  I think it is a Turkish man thing no matter the age or where they live, that is all irrelevant   A Turkish man is a Turkish man - fullstop.

 does he sleeps with his socks on as well?

I think it´s not a turkish thing. There´re many turkish men who like to meet his girlfriend and spend time with her. There might be many like yours in Turkey, as well, but thinking that it´s a turkish thing would be quite over simplfying things. It´s just high probability that being a non turkish you fell on such a type who does not know the real meaning of having a relationship. They are the kind of men you have to avoid because the bad news is that they never change. You´ll never be satisfied in this relationship, you´ll just get more and more frustrated and hurt. Don´t ever think to start a life with him. He will marry you, you´ll have kids, but you will always feel yourself isolated.

 mltm...write this day down on a calendar.......I agree with you totally!  

This sounds like a case of "He´s Just Not That Into You." 

 +1000 Completely agree... (strange )

 why all the men is the same when u just found out that your choice was not a good one.why u (or yall) never wanna try to see ur faults? you know whats it called in psychology

not all the women are good and not all the men are bad

Ah, sorry for the way that read!  I only ment that the turkish man I knew sounded the same as hers...   Just that some are not very good at dumping their woman when "true love" has run it´s course  

True, not all women are good and not all men are bad   sorry again

Can it also be called ´keeping your options open´?

So you are confirming my statement

I am neither confirming nor denying. Infact, my lips are sealed about this matter..

That must be a first

 Also known as "sitting on the fence"

 also known as keeping a a back up plan....

If you plan things right in the first place then you shouldn´t need a backup plan.......

But if you ever discover how to plan things right in the first place - kindly tell me how!

What difference does it make really? Are you going to complain less or be bothered by it less if you decide it´s a "Turkish" thing?

Ha ha.  

  if its a turkish thing she will feel better, but if its her fault to fall in love with a total jerk....no need to say more

Yeah, maybe. Although, quite often, the total jerks don´t show that side until later ...

She´ll have to ultimately be in this relationship. So whatever the reason, if he doesn´t change, I think she needs to asks herself if his behavior is something she can live with (and be happy) - Turkish or jerk (or both), doesn´t matter.

Totally agreed......

There are jerks (both male and female and those in between) in all societies - it is not just a Turkish thing.   And it is only the responsibility of an individual to ensure they are happy.

 Interesting...

 do you mean flashers,streakers,peeping Toms,fancy men or just castrats,cyclists and squirrels?

 But you make yourself sound guilty!   You know keeping your options open can have backfiring consequences

Why so interesting???

Maybe I am unusual in that a large number of my friends are gender neutral - but "those in between" has no negative conotations to me.   It seems that you feel otherwise!   I really do not understand why you might think of flashers, streakers, etc.

1000% agreed! They´re here in America too I don´t think it´s a matter of being Turkish...it´s more a matter of the heart (where their heart is) and maybe how they were raised....

Seems I am the only chick here to take a different view on this situation. I don’t see what the big deal is about people in relationships having their own lives and interests. I have never understood the mentality that once you are a couple you have to spend all your time together. If the other person is too clingy, that is a bigger red flag in my opinion.

You HAVE to have your own interests, your own friends, your own life. Whether this is the case here, who knows, but everyone seems to be jumping to the conclusion that this guy is a huge jerk. Clearly there is not enough information in the original post to know.

As for the BF in this situation not teaching this girl Turkish…what was the understanding between you? Did he say he would teach you? Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable in his teaching skills….I am quite confident in my command of my own language but that does not translate to me being confident enough to teach it to someone else.

Assuming you moved to Turkey (which it sounds like from your post) if anyone chooses to move to a country where they do not know the language then the onus is on them to learn it so that they do not isolate themselves….preferably BEFORE moving.

If you are the kind of person that needs the constant attention from your mate, then clearly this would not be a good relationship and if he has been this way the whole time you have been together and you don’t feel you are getting what you need….what are you waiting for?  Leave.

You HAVE to have your own interests, your own friends, your own life. Whether this is the case here, who knows, but everyone seems to be jumping to the conclusion that this guy is a huge jerk. Clearly there is not enough information in the original post to know.

Have you ever heard of emotional abuse? look it up on wiki. How nice of you to be so forgiving. where i live ( a central european country) the turks have a reputation for being the ultimate macho. racist, you might say, but, unfortunately, i´m an immigrant myself! what a turn up for the books! the fact is, (and i have experienced this over a period of 30 years,  in 5 different countries), turkish men, and their ilk, have ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT for women or their rights.  the situation quoted above is very common. nice european girl wants to have relationship with apparently "loving and devoted" turkish boyfriend. what it ends up as, is a someone for the guy to ´sleep´ with when HE feels like it. marriage? i think someone has to be around for more than 5 minutes at a time for that to happen. i am well aware that i sound like a bigot, all i can say is a year ago i was also very forgiving, but seeing the damage that this a**hole has done to an intelligent, creative happy girl makes me ill.

heres a list of what he didnt help her with:

find an apartment

find a car

pay the deposit on her apartment

move in

put up shelves

decorate (shes still waiting)

organize a holiday

take her to the doctor when she had food poisoning  (serious)

find her an english speaking doctor

he was always "busy´

i know he didnt do any of this because I DID, and i am married and have a child.

you might say these are things that she should be able to do herself. i agree.

she doesnt speak the language here,

i do. 

so does he. so why isn´t the always absent boyfriend helping?

oh, and by the way, he hates my guts for helping her. " being a hero"  as he puts it.

Your post is quite confusing....are you talking about the original poster?  A friend?  Yourself? 

You seem to have personal issues that you are bringing into this.  Where do you get emotional abuse out of this girls post???? 

I think she is referring back to her earlier post in the thread where she says she has a friend who is having the same problems.

I am referring both to the original poster, and to my friend. Where do i get the emotional abuse? Look it up.

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/ 

Now i´m sure to some of you, this may seem over the top, maybe for you such behaviour is normal. But what the original poster is suffering IS emotional abuse.  I dont have any "personal issues" that i am bringing into this.  I have stood and watched this happen over the last year and a half.

Example. my friend has food poisoning, serious food poisoning. BF cannot be found, or contacted. cell phone off etc. so i take her to the doctor. BF is upset with me because i "made him look bad", by taking his GF to the doctor, a phrase that he often uses when he has failed to step up.  THE NEXT WEEK the BFs sister has food poisoning. he drives 250 KM at the dead of night to take  her to the doctor. (and by the way, the sister is an adult, and lives in a large town)   This is not personal. this about how other human beings should be treated.  I just know he´s never around when he´s supposed to be, doesn´t contact my friend for days, but gets angry with her if she does something on her own.  Oh, and the things he says like "you better not wear that skirt unless i´m with you"    The original poster has been with her BF for six months, and cannot hope for anything better than she has now, it will not change, he will not change. I only hope for her sake that he doesn´t become violent.  I´ve seen that happen too. 

What she will have to come to terms with is that her BF comes from a culture where women are 2nd class citizens. read the report from  The History foundation and The Human Rights Foundation of Turkey, regarding streotyping of women in Turkish schoolbooks. (Where children learn the attitudes they will have later in life).  Its an attitude Turkish men carry with them all their lives.

You are stereotyping based on a personal situation. You also seem to be reading what you want to see out of the original post to justify stereotyping. Just because this particular man likes to spend time with his friends does not constitute emotional abuse. You can give me all the links and reports in the world…I’m not a stupid woman. I know what emotional abuse is.  Unless you know all the details related to the original poster´s situation then you cannot know…from what was originally written…that this is emotional abuse. 

As for the situation with your friend…from the “list” that you have posted….I have to wonder if she is looking for a partner or a sugar daddy. While I see validity in the “serious food poisoning” incident, I fail to see why should he find her an apartment, PAY for her deposit, find her a car, or decorate for her! 

It goes back to what I originally said….if a person chooses to move to a country where they don’t know the language then they should LEARN it before they go (not to mention being responsible enough to talk about arrangements and setting up health care in advance).  And if a person is not getting what they need in a relationship then they should leave. 

I didn´t write "find an apartment, find a car" , I wrote "help find an apartment, help find a car" which means "Being Involved in your partners life". My friend is not looking for a sugar daddy, she earns her own way, she simply wants her BF to be involved in her life, not just his.  And my error, just to clarify, I didn´t make it clear that no money changed hands on the deposit, I guaranteed the deposit for the first month.

I don´t really want to get into an argument here, I have my opinion, you have yours. If you think wanting your BF of 18 months to call and let you know what is going on after you haven´t heard anything for 24 hours or more, and his cell phone is switched off, and this on a regular basis  is clingy, then I guess that´s clingy. 

No-one mentioned constant attention. we´re talking about any attention at all.

As far as the other items on the list are concerned, where I come from BFs usually help out with such things, especially if they say they love you.   Cars, decorating,moving house, being there generally, again, being involved. 

These are all things that I have done for other friends, neighbours, co-workers. Maybe I´m just a nice person. And all my other friends have done similar things for their friends, co-workers, neighbours, and especially their partners. I thought that was normal behaviour.

But to get back to the main point. The things  the original poster wrote:

"I know this is pathetic of me to post a question regarding my relationship with my Turkish boyfriend but I can´t help myself.  So sorry to those I offend.  But here goes...." 

Isn´t that an indication of how bad she feels about the situation? People asking advice don´t generally call themselves pathetic.

She doesn´t say he spends time with his friends, she says he spends all his time with his friends. Not quite the same thing. 

I have known several European women who have been in relationships with Turkish men, and they have all said the same thing, it´s great if you want to have kids and stay in the house all day, but if you want a life, forget it. And as far as stereotyping goes, as I posted, I´m a foreigner in this country myself, and have lived all over the world, so I think I have a pretty broad mind regarding most cultures.  Anyway,  

´Nuff said.  Everything we do is a choice, sometimes not the right one. I just hope my friend doesn´t get too  damaged by this "relationship" and the same goes for the original poster.

I think what Rezzy has written is a very interesting observation and she is not stereotyping Turkish men at all!  In fact what she is doing is confirming many of the hundreds of similar posts from girls/women with or who have had Turkish boyfriends.  How many other personal situations has she reflected here?  We see this all the time in the translation forum, not possibly so graphically described but it is all there.  But I do make the point, we only generally hear the bad stories and not the good stories

I agree with you completely actually, and am a bit surprised at GG´s comments.  However, I don´t think this pattern of behaviour is unique or general in Turkey, but does have some cultural roots for some Turks. I think the reason we see so many similar Turks on this website, or hear about them from others, is because most women are meeting Turks from touristic places, where staff are probably less educated and more absorbed into the culture that breeds this kind of behavour.  To assume "all turks" are like this is completely wrong.  I have seen some "great" examples of these type of men in the west too. 

The type of jealous, possessive yet disinterested behaviour is quite common with "macho" men and makes them feel better about themselves.  There is a certain degree of mysogyny there too - they don´t actually enjoy a woman´s company very much, but need to be loved and need her for sex.  These men don´t particularly like women very much, they mistrust them.  They can´t relate to them at all, or laugh and have fun with them.   They enjoy the power they have over them, and subconsciously they gradually brainwash the woman into believing that they are worthless and that they NEED the man so much that they can never leave him.

If a man is telling you what to wear, and what NOT to wear;  if he is unhappy when you go out alone with friends;  if he gets angry with you frequently; if he doesn´t like your friends; if he prefers the company of his male friends; if he shows no interest in your family or other aspects of your life -  YOU SHOULD GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP FAST.  Things will never get better, they will get considerably worse.  You will get more and more dependent and put up with more and more abuse.  Emotional abuse invariably leads to physical abuse....

Just to clarify the situation, everyone is under the assumption that I am female, for some reason.  I´m male, 53 years old wife and teenage child.

 Yes I noticed that you called your self a "guy" but everyone was calling you "she"!!

    It seems that it´s unusual for a man to have any interest in these issues.

Isn´t this just how lots of men (of any background) behave (or would behave) if they can get away with it? In Britain, they even made a TV comedy out of it (Men behaving badly).  Lots of men choose not to behave like this, of course, but it all comes back to cultural attitudes which privilege boy children over girl children.

If we bring our sons up to think they´re little princes, they´re going to behave like it. And the people who benefit from this arrangement (males) will seek to perpetuate this attitude for as long as possible.

And let´s not  forget that it was only relatively recently even in Britain that a woman was considered the property of her husband or father, had no legal right to her own property etc. etc. 

It´s called patriarchy, whence sexism. England has only had equal pay legislation since 1976! 

Exactly my point. We are not talking about the average "dumbass" here, but specifically about Turkish boyfriends. All cultures have their share of idiot Macho men, but the "machoness´ seems endemic in Turkish culture. That coupled with the perception ( by Turks), that foreigners are inferior, makes for a pretty bad mix.  Have a look at the report I quoted earlier (schoolbooks). 

 Really??? 

 I don’t know what is so surprising about my comments.  Yes, we consistently see posts from women crying about their situations with dudu’s…..but we also consistently see women who are not taking responsibility for their own part in it.

If you go into a relationship and move to a country where you do not know the language and have to rely on your man to do everything for you…then you have to take responsibility for your isolation.   

We do not know, from the original message, what the entirety of the situation is.  To me, jumping to the conclusion that it is emotional abuse, based on the very limited amount of information....is quite a big leap.

I think you are missing a few points here..

First of all, being a macho man is not charactheristic of Turkish men  only but almost every men in the region of Middle East and most part of Asia..

Also being an islamic society has had its effects as well as far as the equality of women and men is concerned..

The other important part is the level of culture of the men you are dealing with..I am not going to go and try to prove that we are  a country NOT full of macho men but the when the level of the culture goes up, the abuse of women´s rights drops down (at least it should be the case ) so as the machoism at that respect..

And I will also challenge your conclusion about  Turkish men think that foreigners are inferior.. I am not entirely sure what sort of Turks you have been encountered so far but again it is a matter of culture of the men you are dealing with. Most of us wont think the same way..

And when it comes to the individual case you are talking about, excuse me asking this but is this girl having a low IQ?

What does she waiting for to finish that relationship?

He is showing every single indication that there is nothing between them, why is your friend not getting it?

And one more note, a real Turkish man would not accept that type of help you are giving, from any other man. 

If I were you, I would be quite careful about those helps.. Because most of the Turkish men would be quite picky about these things and will write off a relationship straight away  if they see the same man is turning up with help when necessary.

it seems like the elections made theH quite nationalistic today

 Oooooops Sorry  I suppose I was generalising - it is normally women who write these sort of things, and it is not unusual for a girl to call herself a guy - as in you guys (if I start to explain the hole gets bigger )

Ha ha..

LL you completely lost me here 

And you were not already lost ??

Well I got very lost...because I noticed a reference to the poster being male in his original post but then it seemed to disappear!!!

And when it comes to the individual case you are talking about, excuse me asking this but is this girl having a low IQ?

What does she waiting for to finish that relationship?

He is showing every single indication that there is nothing between them, why is your friend not getting it?

And one more note, a real Turkish man would not accept that type of help you are giving, from any other man. 

If I were you, I would be quite careful about those helps.. Because most of the Turkish men would be quite picky about these things and will write off a relationship straight away  if they see the same man is turning up with help when necessary.

Well, I seemto have ruffled a few feathers here.

1. The woman is extremely intelligent.  Intelligent people get emotionally abused, too.  She is, like many many other people, hoping it will get better. That´s known as being human.  People will stay in relationships long after they should, because they have hope.

2. Real Turkish men won´t accept help. Is that right? So who is supposed to do the things that need doing? Real people accept help, it´s normal.

3. Be careful? In what way be careful?  Thats a very macho statement.

4. "If the same man is turning up with help when neccessary"  - "when neccessary" - that means something needs to be done. So why isn´t he doing the stuff himself?  Would it be Ok then if a woman was doing the helping?

5. Has anyone bothered to read any of the links, or the History Foundation  report?

6. From a Turkish  schoolbook: “We are Turkish, we are superior to everyone else.” (M. Ulusavaþ (2007), Middle School Traffic and First Aid, p. 47. Ankara: Ministry of Education Publications).

7.  What point am I missing? " First of all, being a macho man is not charactheristic of Turkish men  only but almost every men in the region of Middle East and most part of Asia." - And that makes it OK?

8. So when exactly will the level of the culture go up? -

Quote from a Department of State report - Human Rights In Turkey,  2004

link - http://www.state.gov/g/drl/rls/hrrpt/2004/41713.htm -

This was 5 years ago. Has everything changed dramatically?

It appears that most posters want to blame the women for "letting this happen", rather than accepting the fact that the men may, just possibly, be  emotional abusers.  Why is that?

Rezzyrezzy..do you have problems with Turks?just a kind of inferiority complex?bad experience or crusade in the name of all to be maiden willing to screw?no expectations-no pain..so are you advocating the compaign against Turks feeling not macho enough?or protecting"these innocent souls"?Let them experience!and stop insulting Turks,would u please?

Well, I seemto have ruffled a few feathers here.

I dont think you did (it could have been my hair )

1. The woman is extremely intelligent.  Intelligent people get emotionally abused, too.  She is, like many many other people, hoping it will get better. That´s known as being human.  People will stay in relationships long after they should, because they have hope.

Well, the case you are talking is ( according to me)  a hopeless case from the the woman´s point of view..The messages are clear and if she is not getting the message you may call it ´she is hoping´ but I will call it ´being naive´. A person should know when to finish a relation. Obviously she does not know.. 

2. Real Turkish men won´t accept help. Is that right? So who is supposed to do the

things that need doing? Real people accept help, it´s normal.

She can do many of those things you mentioned in your earlier posts.. There are many single women living and dealing with all those things by themselves..Is she disabled?

3. Be careful? In what way be careful?  Thats a very macho statement.

I would be. Because your helps might be the reason to write her off in his mind (I spent many years abroad and if my partner asked the same man for help for those type of things,the things would be different for me right now..And many of my friends work abroad if there was a person like you helping their wives, they would not stay married. That is the reason I said I would be careful)

4. "If the same man is turning up with help when neccessary"  - "when neccessary" - that means something needs to be done. So why isn´t he doing the stuff himself?  Would it be Ok then if a woman was doing the helping?

A woman should be able to deal most the things by herself..As I said, many single women are in the same situation. 

5. Has anyone bothered to read any of the links, or the History Foundation  report?

I have not..But what is it going to tell us which we dont know?

6. From a Turkish  schoolbook: “We are Turkish, we are superior to everyone else.” (M. Ulusavaþ (2007), Middle School Traffic and First Aid, p. 47. Ankara: Ministry of Education Publications).

There are more than 5000 racist references in publications from  ministry of education. But a Turk in a foreign country is a different matter. We call those racist remarks ´Turkish propaganda for Turks´ most of the times.

7.  What point am I missing? " First of all, being a macho man is not charactheristic of Turkish men  only but almost every men in the region of Middle East and most part of Asia." - And that makes it OK?

I never said that was OK..

8. So when exactly will the level of the culture go up? -

Quote from a Department of State report - Human Rights In Turkey,  2004

link - http://www.state.gov/g/drl/rls/hrrpt/2004/41713.htm -

This was 5 years ago. Has everything changed dramatically?

Increasing the level of culture is a  process and it is dynamic..

It appears that most posters want to blame the women for "letting this happen", rather than accepting the fact that the men may, just possibly, be  emotional abusers.  Why is that?

Sorry but he might be an emotional abuser or a jerk but why is this woman not finishing it and letting it continue?

Rezzyrezzy, what you´re describing does seem like an example of abuse. Your friend should have kicked that guy out of her life. Why hasn´t she done that? He´s obviously not what she wants her bf to be like so why continue?

 Rezzy has already answered this..........

Is it more convenient to stay than it is to get out of a bad relationship?? 

exactly my thoughts

And as for having no one else to turn to, since he´s no help anywhy what´s the difference?

Often women stay in crappy relationships because they think that although it´s crap at least it´s the crap I know - a pointless statement that will lead her nowhere. She´s having it rough with him, so when she gets him off her back at least she´ll have one less reason to worry

Rezzyrezzy..do you have problems with Turks?just a kind of inferiority complex?bad experience or crusade in the name of all to be maiden willing to screw?no expectations-no pain..so are you advocating the compaign against Turks feeling not macho enough?or protecting"these innocent souls"?Let them experience!and stop insulting Turks,would u please?

Lets not get personal, ay?    Remarkably informed remark, I must say.            

"Maiden all willing to screw"? "  " Let them experience"   WTF?

Once again, people in abusive relaltionships become trapped in a cycle that they cant break out of. this is a known fact, not supposition.  Read the information about emotional abuse in the link.

There are more than 5000 racist references in publications from  ministry of education. But a Turk in a foreign country is a different matter. We call those racist remarks ´Turkish propaganda for Turks´ most of the times.

Um, which means that children in Turkey are brought up to be racist, doesn´t it?  And children of those children who move to other countries take those values with them, don´t they? And thats what stays with them.

Rezzyrezzy, what you´re describing does seem like an example of abuse. Your friend should have kicked that guy out of her life. Why hasn´t she done that? He´s obviously not what she wants her bf to be like so why continue?

 Read the link about emotional abuse.

Let me clarify smoething here. We  do not live in Turkey, I have already made that clear. The woman came here at short notice to work, therefore did not have the opportunity to learn the language. In her home country, she would of course be doing all the things that were mentioned, no problem, and has done so very successfully .

But in her home country, her BF would be involved in her life. 

When I first came to live here i had to have help with daily things, and my GF helped me. Because she wanted to be involved in my life.

So, because the husband/boyfriend is not doing anything, and someone else is, he ends the relationship?

Surely, if he was doing what he was supposd to be doing, there woukd be no need for outside help?

Is it more convenient to stay than it is to get out of a bad relationship??

Good grief! Please read up on emotional abuse!

Ladies and gentleman, this is me signing off.

I give up. 

All of my posts have  been based on personal experience, or the experiences of friends, or documented fact.

 I see no point in discussing this matter further.

I wish you all, happy, fulfilled lives, with stable, non-abusive, helpful,  partners.

 And to the original poster, kali1969, I wish you all the luck in the world. You´ll need it.  

I hope you are only signing off from this thread?

You should not stop posting just because some people disagree.  If that was the case I would never post a single thing

I´ll swing by occasionally. 

No, it´s not because someone disagreed with me, this discussion could go on forever, because it concerns human behaviour, both innate and learned.

And that, in itself, would take several lifetimes to get through.

 Disagreement does not equate to ignorance!

I never stated that it did.  However, persons in emotionally abusive relationships can´t just get out. That is the whole basis of the relationship, and why it is abusive. Have you never heard of battered wives´ syndrome? If people could just get out of these relationships, they would, obviously.

Heres a quote - . 

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

I was living with him for about 6 months and now we´ve been apart for about 4 months.  I did have my own life.  I had friends in the village.  I used to go out.  I went hiking a lot.  I´m not clingy--at least I don´t think so. 

Some things have changed since we´ve been apart.  I´ve been emailing him in Turkish using a translator and now he won´t shutup.  gawd!  who knew a man could talk so much.  I really do love him and I think we had a lot of misunderstandings.  Now it is better but we haven´t seen each other for awhile either so I think he´s trying harder.

He still wants to get married and I keep saying no.  and he still wants kids.  and i keep saying no.  i don´t understand why he won´t dump me.  I´m supposed to go to Turkey in about a week to be with him.  but i´m still undecided.

he doesn´t seem to know how to relate to women.  i really don´t think he´s being malscious when he does this stupid stuff.  he´s a village boy.  a simpleton!  ha ha ha ha!  sorry, i´m being snarky now.

and yes, later i realized that he can´t teach me turkish.  He´s not able to.  i´m not angry about that anymore.

i just felt neglected by him.  i don´t think he meant to do it.  i think he just doesn´t know how to be in a relationship.   i might give it one more try this summer and see how it goes.  we can talk a lot better now.  but we still have nothing in common.

anyways, blah, blah, blah, i can go on forever about this.

cheers,

Callie

 I think this sentence says all.

Sometimes people are just not meant to be together, regardless of where they come from

yeah, we have nothing in common and you´re right sometimes people just aren´t meant to be together.  i just got done MSN-ing with him and it was his same old crap.  and all his friends were there.  and he really couldn´t be bothered with me.  it´s the end of the saga!  he wants a woman to love him and he wants one in his bed but other than that i don´t think he´s all that interested.  but damn the sex was good!  ahhh, well....next you´re the best!

rezzyrezzy,

you are right about women, you know sometimes it happens to men too, they get stuck in these abusive relationships and start believing all the crap that is either said to them or beat into them.  i´ve worked with domestic violence agencies and i´ve taken a lot of courses on gender and equality and otherness in contemporary culture.  there does seem to be something in the human condition that helps us get stuck in these horrible situations.  and i´m sorry you got "beat up" so bad on this site for your opinions had i known this site had continued on i would have come to your rescue.  i could´ve been your hero!

that being said, my soon to be EX-boyfriend was never hurtful to me.  just neglectful.  he helped me a lot with whatever i wanted/needed - it seemed to be a matter of pride for him.  in fact, he did most of the cooking, and some of the cleaning.  and i used his car whenever i wanted.  and he gave me money--not a lot.  i used to go out 2-3 nights a week without him.  he never said nothing.  he would encourage me to go out and have fun.  and he was the snuggle king!  and his was a very giving lover.

but it was more like i was his pet than his girlfriend.  he loved me like one loves a pet.  you provide for it, but really in the end it has it´s place.

i´m not sorry.  i had a great time and a shit time too.  all in all it was a grand adventure!  my first Turkish experience.  my first time in a muslim country.  i love Turkey!  it´s just a great place to be.  soon i will return to my real love - Turkey.

i hope you come back here, rezzyrezzy and see my post.  i´m going to be okay

Hi, i only gave up because i was getting so much flak, and it seemed to be a waste of time.  People will do what they want to do, regardless.  I hope you will find a fulfilling relationship, if thats what you want. Very few people do. cheers.

I have a Turkish partner and usually he likes to spend time with me. But we also (both) need some "buddy" time, we´re not attached to the  hip! It doesn´t matter if your boyfriend´s behaviour is typically Turkish or not. What matters is that it makes you feel bad, so you need to talk about it and change it! Try to find more things you can do together.

I had the same conversation with my boyfriend, since sometimes he has a hard time planning alone time for us. Taking me out together with family and friends is nice, but being together at times is nice too  He kept on inviting other people when I planned romantic outings for the both of us  We discussed it, and we found a middle way in which we both feel comfortable.