General/Off-topic |
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Jokes and riddles
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350. |
13 Mar 2009 Fri 05:13 pm |
INSTALLING A HUSBAND > Dear Tech support, > Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. > In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. > Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I´ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. > What can I do? > > Signed, Desperate
> > DEAR DESPERATE, > First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. > Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don´t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. > But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. > Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) > Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. > In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. > Good Luck, > > Tech Support >
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351. |
13 Mar 2009 Fri 05:32 pm |
INSTALLING A HUSBAND >
Hahaha love it Especially the mother-in-law virus
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352. |
23 Mar 2009 Mon 01:27 am |
Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Match When His Wife Interrupts,
´honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It´s Been Flickering For Weeks Now.´
He Looks At Her And Says Angrily, ´fix The Lights Now? Does It Look Like I Have ´powergen´ Written On My Forehead? I Don´t Think So!´
´fine!´
Then The Wife Asks, ´well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won´t Close Right´
To Which He Replied, ´fix The Fridge Door? Does It Look Like I Have ´fridgidaire´ Written On My Forehead? I Don´t Think So!´
´fine!´ She Says ´then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door? They Are About To Break´
´i´m Not A Carpenter And I Don´t Want To Fix Steps´, He Says, ´does It Look Like I Have ´taylor Woodrow´ Written On My Forehead? I Don´t Think So! I´ve Had Enough Of This, I´m Going To The Pub!!!!´
So He Goes To The Pub And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours................
He Starts To Feel Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home
As He Walks Into The House He Notices That The Steps Are Already Fixed.
As He Enters The House , He Sees The Hall Light Is Working
As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed.
Honey, He Asks, ´how´d All This Get Fixed?´ She Said, ´well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried. Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him. He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.´
He Said, ´so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?´
She Replied, ´hellooooo..,
Do You See ´mr Kipling´ Written On My Forehead? I Don´t Think So!´
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353. |
24 Mar 2009 Tue 05:51 am |
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
Customer: "I´ve been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can´t get through to enquiries, can you help?". Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
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Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I´m sorry, sir, I don´t understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall". ----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?" Operator: "Doesn´t the product name give you a clue?"
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I´d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please". Operator: "I´m sorry, there´s no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ´B´ fell off".
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That´s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven´t got a pen, so I´m steaming up the window to write the number on".
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop". Customer: "OK". Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?". Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK.. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?". Customer: "Sure. You told me to write ´click´ and I wrote ´click´".
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Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ´OK´ button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
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There´s always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time.. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I´m having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing??" Caller: "It´s blank; it won´t accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??" Caller: "What´s a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn´t any cursor: I told you, it won´t accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" Caller: "What´s a monitor?" Operator: "It´s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it´s on??" Caller: "I don´t know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Caller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it´s plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it´s plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can´t reach." Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller:
"No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it´s not because I don´t have the right angle - it´s because it´s dark." Operator: "Dark??" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can´t." Operator: "No? Why not??" Caller: "Because there´s a power failure."
Operator: "A power.......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we´ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I´m afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" Operator: "Tell them you´re too stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
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354. |
24 Mar 2009 Tue 09:43 pm |
Top 20 British holiday complaints...
AMSTERDAM – Holiday goers went to their British travel agency with the most weirdest complaints. What do you think of the next? The Daily Telegraph made a Top 20.
1. A man saw a very clearly exited elephant near a water pool. His honey moon was ruined because he felt ‘so jealous’.
2. A woman threatened to call the police because she said the hotel staff locked her up in her room. The truth is that she thought the ‘Do not disturb sign’ was an order not to leave her room.
3. ‘The beach was too sandy….´
4. A guest in an Australian hotel complained the soup was too strong and too thick. He drank by accident the gravy….
5. ‘Topless sun bathing should be forbidden on the beach, my holiday is ruined because my husband was staring all day to other women.´
6. ‘We bought a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses at a street stall for five euro. It turned out to be fake....’
7. ‘No-one told us there are fish in the sea. Our children were shocked.´
8. ‘Our flight from Jamaica to England took over nine hours, while the Americans were only three on the plane.´
9. ‘My fiancé and I booked a room with two separate beds but we have got a double room. I’m holding you responsible for me now being pregnant.
10. ‘According to the 3-room apartment of our friends our 1-room apartment was much smaller..´
11. ‘The brochure said: No hairdressers at the location. We are trainee hairdressers. Are we allowed to go there?´
12. About a holiday in Spain: There are no many Spanish people, the receptionist speaks Spanish, the food is Spanish and there are too many foreigners.´
13. ‘The beach was not like showed in the brochure. In the brochure it is yellow, in reality it is white.´
14. ‘We need to stand in line outside, without air-conditioning.´
15. ‘You as a tour operator have to tell us up front about noisy hotel guests.´
16. ‘I got bitten by mosquitoes. No one told me they would do that.´
17. ‘You should announce in the brochure that the local store does not sell delicious cookies.´
18. ‘It is only laziness from shop owners to close their shop in the afternoon. During siesta I need often things, they should forbid it!´
19. ‘Almost every restaurant I visited during my trip to Goa (India) had, to my disgust, curry on the menu. I don’t like spicy food at all.´
20. ‘We booked an excursion to a water park. But no one told us we need to bring bathing suits and towels.´
Source: http://www.telegraaf.nl/buitenland/
Edited (3/24/2009) by Trudy
[Got corrected by my favourite English teacher.... ;)]
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355. |
24 Mar 2009 Tue 10:32 pm |
9. ‘My fiancé and I booked a room with two separate beds but we have got a double room. I’m holding you responsible for me now being pregnant.
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356. |
25 Mar 2009 Wed 12:26 am |
Top 20 British holiday complaints...
AMSTERDAM – Holiday goers went to their British travel agency with the most weirdest complaints. What do you think of the next? The Daily Telegraph made a Top 20.
1. A man saw a very clearly exited elephant near a water pool. His honey moon was ruined because he felt ‘so jealous’.
2. A woman threatened to call the police because she said the hotel staff locked her up in her room. The truth is that she thought the ‘Do not disturb sign’ was an order not to leave her room.
3. ‘The beach was too sandy….´
4. A guest in an Australian hotel complained the soup was too strong and too thick. He drank by accident the gravy….
5. ‘Topless sun bathing should be forbidden on the beach, my holiday is ruined because my husband was staring all day to other women.´
6. ‘We bought a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses at a street stall for five euro. It turned out to be fake....’
7. ‘No-one told us there are fish in the sea. Our children were shocked.´
8. ‘Our flight from Jamaica to England took over nine hours, while the Americans were only three on the plane.´
9. ‘My fiancé and I booked a room with two separate beds but we have got a double room. I’m holding you responsible for me now being pregnant.
10. ‘According to the 3-room apartment of our friends our 1-room apartment was much smaller..´
11. ‘The brochure said: No hairdressers at the location. We are trainee hairdressers. Are we allowed to go there?´
12. About a holiday in Spain: There are no many Spanish people, the receptionist speaks Spanish, the food is Spanish and there are too many foreigners.´
13. ‘The beach was not like showed in the brochure. In the brochure it is yellow, in reality it is white.´
14. ‘We need to stand in line outside, without air-conditioning.´
15. ‘You as a tour operator have to tell us up front about noisy hotel guests.´
16. ‘I got bitten by mosquitoes. No one told me they would do that.´
17. ‘You should announce in the brochure that the local store does not sell delicious cookies.´
18. ‘It is only laziness from shop owners to close their shop in the afternoon. During siesta I need often things, they should forbid it!´
19. ‘Almost every restaurant I visited during my trip to Goa (India) had, to my disgust, curry on the menu. I don’t like spicy food at all.´
20. ‘We booked an excursion to a water park. But no one told us we need to bring bathing suits and towels.´
Source: http://www.telegraaf.nl/buitenland/
The British and Dutch are so closely aligned with their holiday dislikes - miserable lot
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357. |
25 Mar 2009 Wed 07:39 am |
The British and Dutch are so closely aligned with their holiday dislikes - miserable lot
Hmmm, do I sense some hurt British pride here?
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358. |
25 Mar 2009 Wed 01:07 pm |
Hmmm, do I sense some hurt British pride here?
Not mine! But it is true, the British moan about the same things when the go on holiday
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359. |
25 Mar 2009 Wed 01:25 pm |
Not mine! But it is true, the British moan about the same things when the go on holiday
But the post WAS about Brits
And I agree - I am ashamed of Brits on holiday - drunk, moaning about wanting chips instead of local food, no attempts to learn the language....yuck!
Edited (3/25/2009) by TheAenigma
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360. |
25 Mar 2009 Wed 02:10 pm |
But the post WAS about Brits
And I agree - I am ashamed of Brits on holiday - drunk, moaning about wanting chips instead of local food, no attempts to learn the language....yuck!
Oh so it was! hahaha........ I saw Amsterdam and thought it must have been Dutch as well
Edited (3/25/2009) by libralady
[curled up under desk with embarrassment ...........]
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