This rather a charming article about cross-cultural marriage

Love all, trust a few

Thinking of having a cross-cultural marriage? Wondering if you can meet the expectations of your boyfriend´s family? It all depends on what they expect of you. Of course, your boyfriend is telling you that everyone will love you.

Everyone has certain expectations of their spouse-to-be, but when you are marrying someone from another country, it adds a whole new dimension.

How can you know whether that someone can give you what you expect -- and whether you can meet their expectations? It can all be very overwhelming. Not to mention an awareness of cross cultural differences, perspectives and issues.

A young Turkish man and a British lady recently moved from England to Ankara. When they came by on vacation, everything was fine. After having been married a few months, the first shock ran through the family. This was when the husband had to do his military service and she was left to live with her in-laws. It is common for the daughter-in-law to live with her Turkish in-laws while her husband is completing his national service. This is not so common abroad. Usually, young people leave home after age 18 or so.

This young daughter-in-law found herself being told she had to live with her husband´s parents while he did his military service. You can imagine how this did not really go over very well. In this case, her in-laws did not know any English and she really did not know any Turkish.

Smiling at each other can only go so far. Needless to say, it became a natural setting for misunderstandings and offense.

Trust and respect between the parents-in-law and their daughter-in-law were lacking.

When you are dating or getting to know someone, a relationship can feed off the cross-cultural differences -- as long as it is tempered with understanding, communication and awareness. This can be true for some time, even for years. However, ultimately, like any relationship, a cross-cultural marriage-type relationship needs to be founded on the same things as all successful relationships: trust, mutual respect and understanding.

After reading my book, "Culture Smart: Turkey," the female Today´s Zaman reader mentioned above contacted me and asked what she should do about her situation. She was finding it very difficult to live with her in-laws. She did not understand the culture and etiquette.

Usually, out of ignorance, when we are in another culture, we can say or do something that causes offense. If we are just a visitor, the Turks may find it funny. When married into the society, it is different. It may even be a problem: Our new family will think our behavior reflects on them. If we are not careful, the cultural mistake may cause tension and hurt feelings.

In our own culture we have an idea of how to tie up loose ends. We talk about things. We apologize, forgive and forget. We need to move ahead with confidence and goodwill.

You have probably heard me say before that I have always thought a short memory is the best memory. Don´t hold grudges. Forgive and forget.

Shakespeare said, "Love all, trust a few."

Ralph Waldo Emerson believed that "our distrust is very expensive."

True, you can fall in and out of love anywhere. Love can change over time. The Today´s Zaman reader who wrote to me said that she finds the initial excitement dwindling as she feels that his family does not trust her and may not really love her.

It is a delicate situation for the Turkish spouse when the foreign spouse has not been fully embraced into their own family -- dealing with problems is difficult.

Just whose side should the Turkish spouse take?

Generally, in Western societies, the husband and wife stick together.

It may not be so here. Many a Western woman has been surprised by her husband´s decision to side with his family. There is a deep emotional tie, almost to the point of guilt, in particular to parents. There may even be a strong financial tie, too.

The initial step to being respected and trusted is when you have shown that you value group views and group activity. In private and family life, Turks expect each family member to serve the common good of the whole family.

"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -- Samuel Johnson

http://www.todayszaman.com/tz-web/yazarDetay.do?haberno=169577

Many of the ladies asking for translation should read this article.....

 No way!  I am all for cross-cutural respect in a marriage, but "being told she had to" live with her husband´s parents?!!  A recipe for disaster.  "Being told" you have to do something, does not seem like a mutually respectful marriage anyway!

  + 1000

a fantastic article, hairy!

you see, this kinda thing irritates me to the core:

" Western woman has been surprised by her husband´s decision to side with his family. There is a deep emotional tie, almost to the point of guilt, in particular to parents. There may even be a strong financial tie, too."

a wife doesnt matter, my family- my parents matter. i can have another wife, but i cant have other parents. so, oh, do whatever with your wife.

 femme....I don´t think you are feeling the lurve!  Why can´t a western woman just find a Turkish orphan if she wants a dudu?  OR she could do what I did......I dragged him to the West and forced HIM to comply with MY customs! 

 oh you sapik, imagine this situation. your dudu runs away from you to turkey. you have to chase him. i mean you are soo madly in love with him. and then you have to obey all the customs and traditions there. and chain yourself to his parents

im evil

tc hate day, hurayyyyy!

 My dudu is equipt with GPS.  I can find him and drag him back to the West if he runs away! 

PS.....don´t be a hater femme!  you need to learn to be a lurver!!

 how did you equip him with gps? is he carrying a chip in his body?

lurve was yesterday  and it was booooooring!

 Yes, every dudu that comes to the US has a GPS chip implanted in his brain.  This is why you never see US women whining about disobedient dudus!  It is always the British girls who loose their dudus!

As for lurve being boring.....I think you are doing it wrong!