This rather a charming article about cross-cultural marriage

Love all, trust a few

Thinking of having a cross-cultural marriage? Wondering if you can meet the expectations of your boyfriend´s family? It all depends on what they expect of you. Of course, your boyfriend is telling you that everyone will love you.

Everyone has certain expectations of their spouse-to-be, but when you are marrying someone from another country, it adds a whole new dimension.

How can you know whether that someone can give you what you expect -- and whether you can meet their expectations? It can all be very overwhelming. Not to mention an awareness of cross cultural differences, perspectives and issues.

A young Turkish man and a British lady recently moved from England to Ankara. When they came by on vacation, everything was fine. After having been married a few months, the first shock ran through the family. This was when the husband had to do his military service and she was left to live with her in-laws. It is common for the daughter-in-law to live with her Turkish in-laws while her husband is completing his national service. This is not so common abroad. Usually, young people leave home after age 18 or so.

This young daughter-in-law found herself being told she had to live with her husband´s parents while he did his military service. You can imagine how this did not really go over very well. In this case, her in-laws did not know any English and she really did not know any Turkish.

Smiling at each other can only go so far. Needless to say, it became a natural setting for misunderstandings and offense.

Trust and respect between the parents-in-law and their daughter-in-law were lacking.

When you are dating or getting to know someone, a relationship can feed off the cross-cultural differences -- as long as it is tempered with understanding, communication and awareness. This can be true for some time, even for years. However, ultimately, like any relationship, a cross-cultural marriage-type relationship needs to be founded on the same things as all successful relationships: trust, mutual respect and understanding.

After reading my book, "Culture Smart: Turkey," the female Today´s Zaman reader mentioned above contacted me and asked what she should do about her situation. She was finding it very difficult to live with her in-laws. She did not understand the culture and etiquette.

Usually, out of ignorance, when we are in another culture, we can say or do something that causes offense. If we are just a visitor, the Turks may find it funny. When married into the society, it is different. It may even be a problem: Our new family will think our behavior reflects on them. If we are not careful, the cultural mistake may cause tension and hurt feelings.

In our own culture we have an idea of how to tie up loose ends. We talk about things. We apologize, forgive and forget. We need to move ahead with confidence and goodwill.

You have probably heard me say before that I have always thought a short memory is the best memory. Don´t hold grudges. Forgive and forget.

Shakespeare said, "Love all, trust a few."

Ralph Waldo Emerson believed that "our distrust is very expensive."

True, you can fall in and out of love anywhere. Love can change over time. The Today´s Zaman reader who wrote to me said that she finds the initial excitement dwindling as she feels that his family does not trust her and may not really love her.

It is a delicate situation for the Turkish spouse when the foreign spouse has not been fully embraced into their own family -- dealing with problems is difficult.

Just whose side should the Turkish spouse take?

Generally, in Western societies, the husband and wife stick together.

It may not be so here. Many a Western woman has been surprised by her husband´s decision to side with his family. There is a deep emotional tie, almost to the point of guilt, in particular to parents. There may even be a strong financial tie, too.

The initial step to being respected and trusted is when you have shown that you value group views and group activity. In private and family life, Turks expect each family member to serve the common good of the whole family.

"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -- Samuel Johnson

http://www.todayszaman.com/tz-web/yazarDetay.do?haberno=169577

Many of the ladies asking for translation should read this article.....

 No way!  I am all for cross-cutural respect in a marriage, but "being told she had to" live with her husband´s parents?!!  A recipe for disaster.  "Being told" you have to do something, does not seem like a mutually respectful marriage anyway!

  + 1000

a fantastic article, hairy!

you see, this kinda thing irritates me to the core:

" Western woman has been surprised by her husband´s decision to side with his family. There is a deep emotional tie, almost to the point of guilt, in particular to parents. There may even be a strong financial tie, too."

a wife doesnt matter, my family- my parents matter. i can have another wife, but i cant have other parents. so, oh, do whatever with your wife.

 femme....I don´t think you are feeling the lurve!  Why can´t a western woman just find a Turkish orphan if she wants a dudu?  OR she could do what I did......I dragged him to the West and forced HIM to comply with MY customs! 

 oh you sapik, imagine this situation. your dudu runs away from you to turkey. you have to chase him. i mean you are soo madly in love with him. and then you have to obey all the customs and traditions there. and chain yourself to his parents

im evil

tc hate day, hurayyyyy!

 My dudu is equipt with GPS.  I can find him and drag him back to the West if he runs away! 

PS.....don´t be a hater femme!  you need to learn to be a lurver!!

 how did you equip him with gps? is he carrying a chip in his body?

lurve was yesterday  and it was booooooring!

 Yes, every dudu that comes to the US has a GPS chip implanted in his brain.  This is why you never see US women whining about disobedient dudus!  It is always the British girls who loose their dudus!

As for lurve being boring.....I think you are doing it wrong!

A cross-cultural relationship brings a lot extra to the relationship. Extra good and extra bad. I think a good point in this piece was that the girl was married very young, they were married before his army! So my guess is they also married rather fast. If she was a bit longer with this guy in a relationship she would have known what the custom is, that she was expected to live with his family. She could also have simply stayed in the other country where she came from, and this would be perfectly acceptable for her husbands family as well. Or, she could have sat down with his family and her husband and explain what is normal in her culture, and find a middle way.

The most important thing in any relationship is communication, but when two cultures are in one relationship this becomes EXTRA important. And some interest in eachother´s cultures also helps. I know that my partner has his mom on a pedastle. This I already knew from the beginning of our relationship, it´s a part of him. He also knows that my family is very important for me, although we do not live with eachother

Well it was a stupidity to get married and move to Turkey knowing he didnt finish his military duty. What was she expecting to do in Turkey not knowing the language alone while he was away??? Of course she had to stay with parents, some trustable people or if I was her I would go to my country to live for few months. I would die living with people with whom I cant communicate for several months. I could go straightly to madhouse after that   I cant stay even for few days, communication and understanding ech other is very important.

 It is definately a challenge to be around people who don´t speak your language.  I don´t think I would go mad but It would be difficult especially if you really needed something quickly (like if  you got sick).  My husbands family speaks very little English (and my Turkish is far from fluent), but I think over the years we have developed our own communication (half English, half Turkish but mostly sign language).  It takes a lot of patience!

What in the world is a dudu??  I have a sweetheart in Turkey, but I ´m waiting until he gets through his mili. It´s not THAT long after all, and he´s postponed it as long as possible. The girl should have taken language classes, because for one it would show goodwill to her  husband, and more importantly to his family. I come from a family that respects their elders, and parents are  very important. We have the same thing in Venezuela, live with the parents while husband is away if you don´t have your own home. That way the husband´s precious person is being cared for by trusted and loved people. 

A ´´dudu´ is a Turkish Class word for a Turkish resort worker who´s main aim in life is to extract as much as he can in the way of mobile phones, laptops, money and hopefully (if the he can find a willing English/Dutch girl)visa, from any gullible female tourist he comes across. Please note that in no way do we think that this is the behaviour of a typical Turkish man - it is definitely a ´resort´ thing!

Ý looked in dictionary... dudu can be translated as  ´parrot´...figurative speaking...

This was the thread that started it all:-

http://www.turkishclass.com/sfa/turkce/forumTitle_22242

B"H

WOW, culturally, there are so many similarities; maybe it´s just a Middle-Eastern-ish thing?  Israelis also have conscription, and since my hubby and I are now both in America, he and I both served voluntarity in the Marines; now he´s still in and will be for 30 years if he can, and even though we´re both religiously the same, our cultures are so different I still can´t communicate with his family.  I agree with whomever said his military duty should have been finished first.  I eventually ived with my OWN family when he was deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan, and even that seemed foreign!  My father still won´t let me leave his house without him if my husband not present, can´t be alone at all.The couple should have discussed these difficulties prior to marriage since they sound more modern than my family.  The husband should have laid down the law to his parents, and expect the worst reaction from them.

 Someone needs to change this in the dictionary!  Dudu is a TC cultural phenomenon!   

 We should demand for a prize: we invented a new word!

 Do they give Nobel prizes for making up words??

 Don´t they?

Edited (8/18/2009) by lady in red [blank post! ]

 Yes?

What happened??  - it was avery witty post

LIR did you break the rules and get your post deleted? 

 She was acting out again...

  - admin isn´t immune to tc gremlins you know  

(I´d try to re-post - but I feel the moment has passed    )

 That´s never stopped anyone else!

OK OK!  But it wasn´t really a witty post - I lied!  I was just pointing out that it was Trudy who first put the name ´dudu´ to resort workers - so if there is a Nobel prize for new words - she should be up for it!! 

You have a probem with this??? 

I´m innocent! (I know nothing - but I´m not from Barcelona...   )

Trudy - this is your answer to everything - ´I´m innocent´  - nobody can be THAT innocent!!  

 Butbutbut I am.....

Was this experience coming from Trudy and her travels to Turkey...  Why don´t you write an essay Trudy about these dudus?

 Trudy is pretty mum about her dudu experiences.  We will have to get her drunk at the next TC slumber party....maybe we can get her to talk then!

Cause I only had 1!!!! And I´ve never been to Marmaris (which was in the quote LIR meant.)

 Yes!  I have a HUGE problem with you not being witty!!!     I think your brain has gone to mush from your holiday.  Hopefully now that you are back at TC you can recapture your wit!

I had a fight this year with my partner, and his family actually came to visit him and were all upset with him! I guess they DO really love me, lol. They seemed to be very angry with him that he upset me I guess because I made sure they had low expectations of me in the beginning (told them I can´t cook, and have no idea about how to run a household). After that I could only impress them They are thrilled when I am able to cook an egg!