after living in South America for a while I got used to hearing all the 'machista' jokes...here are a couple translated from Spanish so that the 'men' don't feel left out!

Q. Why don't women ski?
A. Snow doesn't last long in the kitchen.

Q. Why do women wear white when they get married?
A. Because it matches the kitchen appliances.

Q. When is a women most intelligent?
A. When she's pregnant. She's guaranteed to have at least two brain cells then!

Ok...just a few that I remembered from my time spent there. No offense ladies...we know we're smarter than these no brainer 'machista' jokes!!!!

Blonde jokes

*** no offence please ***

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the
bosses' faces.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A: A shower has to be turned on to get wet.


Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws?
A: Practice.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".



Blonde Medical Terminology

Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited

Great!! Keep them coming!

thanks for the jokes! i need them today..

POST-GRADUATE EDUCATION FOR MEN AT CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY

Starting in February 2007 the university will have a special program for men. Following courses are available:

1st Year, 1st semester
• How to avoid stupid behaviour.
• You too can do domestic tasks.
• Learn to be silent.
• What do women want for Christmas?
• Miraculous washing techniques.
• Understanding the answer of your wife when coming home at 04.00 AM.
• Parenthood: it does not stop at conception.
• Do something with your life: learn how to cook!

1st Year, 2nd semester
• How to behave when you are wrong.
• Learn to live with your incompetence.
• You, the weaker sex.
• Reasons to buy flowers.
• Language: Weekend and sport are not synonyms.
• Practice: how to buy a bread without getting lost

2nd Year, 1st semester
• Morning dilemma: take a shower!
• Practice: How to pull down the toilet seat
• Loosing your addiction to the remote control.
• How to behave older and wiser than your children.
• Clean underwear. Really, it works.

2nd Year, 2nd semester
• You too can drive defensively.
• Honest: you do NOT look like Tom Cruise, especially not when you are naked.
• '@7?#%**#?&' cut out of your dictionary.
• Mother-in-law: just human.
• Etiquette: Burping is not necessary.
• Real men do ask when they are lost.

Good luck!!!

I suppose now that Lyndie is back blonde jokes are out of the question

Ok here are some jokes from me

1)A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

2)An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

3)A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.

Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?"

"No, just get on with it."

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.

"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

This isn't a joke but I did find it funny

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.