I thought we could use a joke thread so live life with laughter and post your jokes here!

here are a few of my favourite jokes.in a conversation style..

Man:Are you tired because you have been running through my mind all day?
Woman:Yes, I was looking for a brain cell.

Man: Do you believe in love at first sight?
Woman: I did, until you came along

Man: Do you think you could fall in love with me?
Woman: Only if I was pushed

Man:Are u a magician because I think you have me under your spell?
Woman: No,if I was you wouldn't be here now

Man: You take my breath away
Woman: Then why are you still breathing?

just a few small jokes to tickle you

These I saw in Japan, in a cafe for expacts:

Men are like ….
chocolate bars – sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips
parking spots – all the good ones are taken and the rest is handicapped
commercials – you can’t believe a word they say
popcorn – they satisfy you, but only for a short while
mascara – they usually run at the first sight of emotion
lava lamps – fun to look at but not very bright
laxatives – they irritate the shit out of you

(And men, do not get angry....
)

3 Jokes about faithful friends...

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

I love this thread!! Thanks to those who have posted jokes so far, I enjoyed them.

Hehe I am glad you have enjoyed them so far lovebug......ahhh it's good to see that it's making people laugh

Men are like..... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like..... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like..... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like..... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like..... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like..... Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like..... Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate interest.

Men are like..... Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like..... Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Men are like..... Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like..... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like..... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like..... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like..... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like..... Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like..... Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

(and still I do love some of you, guys....)

after living in South America for a while I got used to hearing all the 'machista' jokes...here are a couple translated from Spanish so that the 'men' don't feel left out!

Q. Why don't women ski?
A. Snow doesn't last long in the kitchen.

Q. Why do women wear white when they get married?
A. Because it matches the kitchen appliances.

Q. When is a women most intelligent?
A. When she's pregnant. She's guaranteed to have at least two brain cells then!

Ok...just a few that I remembered from my time spent there. No offense ladies...we know we're smarter than these no brainer 'machista' jokes!!!!

Blonde jokes

*** no offence please ***

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the
bosses' faces.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A: A shower has to be turned on to get wet.


Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws?
A: Practice.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".



Blonde Medical Terminology

Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited

Great!! Keep them coming!

thanks for the jokes! i need them today..

POST-GRADUATE EDUCATION FOR MEN AT CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY

Starting in February 2007 the university will have a special program for men. Following courses are available:

1st Year, 1st semester
• How to avoid stupid behaviour.
• You too can do domestic tasks.
• Learn to be silent.
• What do women want for Christmas?
• Miraculous washing techniques.
• Understanding the answer of your wife when coming home at 04.00 AM.
• Parenthood: it does not stop at conception.
• Do something with your life: learn how to cook!

1st Year, 2nd semester
• How to behave when you are wrong.
• Learn to live with your incompetence.
• You, the weaker sex.
• Reasons to buy flowers.
• Language: Weekend and sport are not synonyms.
• Practice: how to buy a bread without getting lost

2nd Year, 1st semester
• Morning dilemma: take a shower!
• Practice: How to pull down the toilet seat
• Loosing your addiction to the remote control.
• How to behave older and wiser than your children.
• Clean underwear. Really, it works.

2nd Year, 2nd semester
• You too can drive defensively.
• Honest: you do NOT look like Tom Cruise, especially not when you are naked.
• '@7?#%**#?&' cut out of your dictionary.
• Mother-in-law: just human.
• Etiquette: Burping is not necessary.
• Real men do ask when they are lost.

Good luck!!!

I suppose now that Lyndie is back blonde jokes are out of the question

Ok here are some jokes from me

1)A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

2)An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

3)A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.

Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?"

"No, just get on with it."

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.

"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

This isn't a joke but I did find it funny

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

It is fun! And what a nerve to fill in a form like this (when you're 17)...

A burnette, a redhead, and a blonde are sitting in the waiting room at the doctors office. The three of them start talking and realize they are all there because they are pregant. The burnette states we will be having a girl, I know this because I was on top when the baby was conceived. The redhead says well if that is how it works than i will be having a boy because my husband was on top when we conceived. All of a sudden the blonde start crying uncontrollably, whats wrong the other two women ask....Still sobbing the blonde replies...I'm going to have puppies!!!!!

haha thats funny

Grrrrrr. Its about time we had some brunette jokes!

REVENGE!

Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation

Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage

Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?
A. Fisher-Price

AND FINALLY MY FAVOURITE:

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their moustache.

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? "The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.

So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

This one is from Soviet Russia time.

God fed up with the international affairs in the World and decided to destroy the World. He called the 3 leaders and declared His decision and said them "go tell about this to your country".

US leader gave a TV adress on TV during the primetime.
"Citizens, I have 2 news for you. One is good, one is bad. Good news is there is a God. Bad news is He will destroy the World."

Soviet leader gave a speech at the Communist Party center.
"Comrades, I have 2 news for you. One is bad, one is worse. Bad news is there is a God. Worse news is He will destroy the World."

Israil leader gave a speech on TV. "Fellow Israilies, I have 2 news for you. One is good, one is great. Good news is there is a God. Great news is there will be no Palestine state anymore."

Some more jokes about men....

Why don’t men have a midlife crisis?
They remain in their puberty always.

What is the difference between a singles bar for men and a circus?
In the circus the clowns do not talk.

The difference between a man and a dog?
Training a dog takes less time.

Why is sleeping with a man the same as watching a soap?
Exactly when it gets interesting it is over.

Why are blonde jokes that short?
So men can remember them.

What did God say after he made the man?
I can do better!

Why do men want to marry a virgin?
They cannot stand criticism.

Why do men give their penis a name?
Because they do not want a stranger to take all their decisions.

Why is it so hard to find a handsome and sensitive man?
They already have a boyfriend.

How do men sort their underwear?
Dirty and dirty but wearable.

Which book in the world has the least pages?
“What men know about women”.

What is the difference between a man and ET?
E.T. called home.

Why can’t a man fake an orgasm?
He cannot pull such a stupid face on purpose.

When does a woman know her husband is cheating on her?
When he starts to take a shower twice a week.

Why find men it so difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts do not have eyes.

Why do you need 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg cell?
Because they do not want to ask where to go to.

What have electric trains and breasts in common?
Both are meant for children, but men play the most with it.

What is the difference between a new man and a new dog?
After a year the dog is still exited when he sees you.

What is the best way to make a man do something?
Telling him he is too old to do that.

What have men and computers in common?
No one understands why that act so strange and they always have not enough memory.

Men vs Women
This is not a joke but still fun to read. And by the way it was written by a man.

RELATIONSHIPS
First of all, a man does not call a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are Morons." Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then, at three on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total bitch. But I want to let you know there's always a chance for us."

This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer
extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX
Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay.

MATURITY
Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

HATS
Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.

GROCERIES
A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping.
A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or
less lane.

HANDWRITING
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chickenscratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.

GOING OUT
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her
makeup.

CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip in Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.
When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

MIRRORS
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store window, toasters.

MENOPAUSE
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Look, love I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

DRESSING UP
woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.


LOCKER ROOMS
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

WEDDINGS
When reminiscing about weddings women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

GARAGES
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.


THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALL
Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.

Q. Why has a woman smaller feet than a man?
A. So she can stand closer to the sink.

A Nasreddin Hodja joke:

A traveller came back from Africa and told about his amazing experiences. "It is so hot there, everyone walks naked," the man said. The Hodja asked: "But if everyone is naked, how can you distinguish men from women?"