It's causing me much pain...

i've had a turkish boyfriend for just under a year now and we have hit a disasterous moment. His mum doesn't like the idea of him being with me and she has been to see a family to ask for their daughter to marry him, to which they have agreed. My boyfriend is completely opposed to this but is mother is still going ahead with all the plans.

He's told me there's nothing he can do as all it takes is for his parents and the girls parents to go to their local mosque and talk to their "imam" to get the marriage confirmed.

I know it sounds desperate but is there any way at all we can stop this marriage? He still lives with his parents, she will be moving into the family home. It will be only a couple of weeks before the marriage is arranged. He lives in Kemer.

We had planned for a future together... the children and the home that he is currently half way through building will no longer be ours to share and i feel hurt and angry.

If we decided to be together in the future is there any way to escape the marriage a year or so down the line? what are the laws regarding divorce and what are the laws if they have children?

Any advice or help would be much appreciated xxxx

thank you for that advice. I think though that he is caught up in the cultural idea of it all. all he keeps saying is that him and his wife to be will not even have to go and see the "imam" to get this marriage confirmed, that his parents are going and so he has no control over the situation. he is scared of going against is family because of the repercussions, and he's got a good heart so the idea of disobeying his mosque his scary for him too.

thank you.

i do know that it is probably best to let him go and i told him i wanted to finish the relationship but he said he won't allow me to.

both of us are so devastated by the whole thing. he is angry at his mum because she won't listen to a word he says. she simply doesn't want me in his life. i've never felt so cheated out of a happy life as i am right now.

First thing I need to ask is where are you living? Are you near him or living in seperate countries? I have been battling to stay with my boyfriend for 3 years now, and the situation was similar. He to will not stand up to his parents and it has caused me much pain. However he is a sweet man and definatly I could not find someone who compares. So this depends on how far you are willing to go and how much strength you have to wait things out. Not everything is cut and dry. I was given the advice a thousand times to just leave him, and you can't change this, and it not worth it... all things I've heard over and over. So its up to you and how strongly you feel. Do you have the good fight in you!?

we're in seperate countries.
I have a lot of fight left in me he is the best man i have ever met. i am willing to go on saving and preparing for a future with him in turkey, but i need to know that he will not forget me, and that he 100% wants the same thing as i do. what did you do to get through it? what is your situation now?

i posted translation messages to send him but nobody has translated them yet also... can you take a look?

Is it not possible for you to go and stay with his family for a while so they can get to know you? Maybe that would help your situation...
And if your boyfriend went to speak to the imam maybe he could help him. The imam can't be interested in allowing the marriage when your husband is against it. Also I don't understand how he can obey his mother when her discision will ruin his life. This maybe sound stupid but is he really aware of the consequences of being forced to marry this woman? It can't be in the interest of that woman to marry somebody who doesn't care for her at all, either.

yes we've discussed all of these possibilities. the whole process is so fast now that it will be only a couple of weeks before they are married and living in his parents home.
his dad is fine with me, ive met his brother and uncle, but his mum isn't interested.
its so frustrating we are so close to the family acceptine me yet so far since his mum has the last say.
i feel cheated.

I think this is really surprising to me since as far as I have seen I thought it usually was the father having the last word. At least in my case thats how it has been. The mother was actually very impressed with me the father rules the roost. It's always seemed that the mothers are very afraid to loose their sons, therefore will bend for them, but will also not go against what the father says. Anyway, I can totally feel your pain... so hard to lose a relationship when neither of you are to blame.

i am lost in all of this. he has to go through with it as he is at risk of losing his life. he is scared of going against his family's wishes i can tell. because as much as he loves me, there are limits to what he can do, or will do. his mum believes in this method of marriage because it worked for her, and simply because she does not want him to have an english girlfriend or wife.

we just spoke. and he told me he will go through with the divorce if i will not give up on him. but he cannot face to run away from the marriage. its a civil marriage, not a religious one, as requested by the girls parents.

I am sorry but it is very bad situation for both of you.
I don't think so that he will divorce, because their marriage will be religious and formal i think. So it is very hard to give up this marriage. If he says that he will divorce, why does he accept it ? if he can't oppose his family now, how will he do it later about divorce ?

Kerri, as Kemal wrote also..if now your lover has not the guts to face his mom, how will he do it later, after being married both at the civil register and in the church?
or after having kids?
How old is he,, is he so very young??
U can also go there now, and marry him at the civil office..
but, the idea is...can he do it??

Also adding to what Kemalsis and ceylanOANA said. I know how you feel, I really do (slightly different situation) but if he loved you that much wouldn't he just completely refuse? I would and I know that I will be doing so in the future, going against my mothers wishes, and I know she will do a lot to try and stop me and my man being together but nothing, not even her will stop us.

I love him to pieces and he loves me too just as much, and when my mother realises that I am happy she will accept him because he is making me happy and I know that is what she really wants.

So maybe he has to go the extra mile to prove how much he loves you for his mother to realise she wrong all along. Also because you obviously make him happy, you might even make her happy, because after all its her son.

I wish you luck for the future

he has already changed his story from it being a religious to being a civil marriage..that would set alarm bells ringing for me.. and besides if he is going to go through with the ceremonies then i agree that he is not likely to divorce her in the future.its an expensive and long process.i know because one of okkes's family is currently going through it and even then it is usally discussed with the older male members of the family and agreed upon before it actually happens.

anyway, you are free to do whatever you want, but it appears as though he will be married within the next few weeks and if you want to be with him,the most you will ever be is a bit on the side.

İ'm sorry,but i do not understand !

İn İslam,you cann't and shouldn't force anyone to marry the others.
But in the past,and i guess it is still in some places,they usually force the girls for marring to a man,for his family,position,maybe cause he's rich,or what ever.
But my point,the forcing was on the girls,not men

The man supposed to be the one who is doing the asking part from the girl's family.

Beside,İmam cann't marry them in islam unless the man was there and repeat some words meaning he want to marry this girl and he will treat her well as ALLAH ordered him,and at same time,one man of the girl's family must be there,usually her father to ask the girl if she approve or not ,or sometimes she be there too.

So can you explain how anyone can force the man to be married ? :-S

Sorry to be the bearer of doom and gloom to this thread, but to me it sounds like a "get out of jail card". There are so many stories exactly like this one on a MSN group site and various other MSN group sites to do with Turkish men and foreign women. Here is one if you want to take a look: English Girlfriends of Turkish men

I hope I am wrong and apologise if that is the case.

you have all given me food for thought, he won't let me end our relationship but obviously he isn't doing everything he can to stop the marriage, i have posted something in translation for any of you that can help, i need send this message to him urgently

My heart goes out to you Kerryogden - i feel your pain and i pray that with the help of God and all the wonderful people on this site - u are going to get through this very bad storm in your life.

My heart does go out to you that you could possible loose your love but as other members have already said there are a few things that are puzzling me.
I am yet to hear of a wife over ruling the her husband and if father is in support of you, mother is usually told to button it and she wont go against her husbands decison through respect even if she doesnt agree to it .
I also can't see that he cannot go against his mothers wishes and refuse the marriage but in the future will be brave enough to stand up to her and get a divorce ! if he can do that then why can he not stand up and say he wont get married.
I hate myself for writing this but i do write as i feel and although my thoughts are negative and you probably dont want to read what im saying .
There is also the situation of being miles apart,you cannot actually see the situation over there unravelling and people can say anything to appease the situation and when its too late and he's married he can say sorry its too late now i am married.
Please these are just my thoughts i dont know him, i dont know you and i dont have any evidence of your situation but like robyn saud its already changed from a religious ceremony to a civil one.
How can he say you cant finish the relationship when by what he is saying its going to be over in a couple of weeks anyway, ask him to be totally and utterly honest with you, i also feel for his future wife as well as him, how can they ever have a relationship if his heart lies elsewhere and also for her if she actually knows about you, my heart would be ripped out if i knew i was married to a man who loved someone else!
This is probably the most negative post ive ever written anywhere and i dont mean to be cruel or to upset you but things just dont sound right

Kind Regards

Jackie

xx

Arranged marriages? I guess I didn't know they still existed. If my Turkish boyfriend whom I planned to spend the rest of my life with, told me his mother arranged for him to be married and he was going through with it, I would set him free in a heart beat. For me personally, I want a man not a mamas boy. You know we all at one time have to make decisions that are best for us, not what our parents feel we need to do. At a certain time in your life, your expected to make independent decisions and become an adult. This guy sounds like he has alot of growing up to do. But again, I'm an outsider looking in and once again, I don't have tolerance for a culture that still lives in the stone age. I like traditions but this is too extreme for me.

Deep stuff...and there is just one thing I want to say:
I dont think that by RESPECTING traditions and go on with them one person lives in "Stone Age"...

traditions and culture are integral parts of what we are.
Some people believe it and follow it hook, line and sinker and some people don't. i respect that. Questioning/asking people who practice those is not bad for us to learn and understand. But questioning/giving comments to insult and to be obnoxious is another thing.

I am not going to quote the whole of Qdemir post but he does have a point - Femme Fatal, being a woman who seduces the male only to administer her "poison". The Mata Hari being one, although for me she was a heroine.

What I am trying to say here is that we all think our view is the right one and we should all give each other the benefit of the doubt and consider the other person may have a good point. Lots of us here come from different cultures and countries and of course for many of those, English is not their first language, therefore sometimes the true meaning is lost because of the grammar or use of words.

Being a Librian I like to see peace, harmony and balance and am often tryng to restore calm to disorder (Not normally here but in other aspects of my life).

Have a good evening - better than mine, nothing on TV (I only receive 5 channel!) so consequently I am here.......

THANK YOU QDEMİR FOR TAKİNG TİME TO WRİTE SUCH "FULL" POST.

ELİNE DİLİNE SAGLIK,

I am so sorry this causing you so much pain. Has your boyfriend come up to his family and told them that he wants to be with you and only with you and that he is serious with you? Have you ever met his family or have they gotten to know you at all? If you ask yourself these questions and the answers are "i don't know" or "no" maybe you should think twice about your boyfriend. but if your answer to at least the first question is a "yes" maybe you both could find ways to escape this. you said he lives with his parents...what if he just escapes from his home to your place and hide? or just confront his parents about it with both of you face to face with his parents like adults.

Kerrie Ogden, if a man TRULY loves a woman then he will do EVERYTHING in his power to be with her and only her and escape an arranged marriage.

if your boyfriend goes through /succumbs into this arranged marriage and saying that "he can't really do anything about it"...that is B**L S%IT!!!... he has a choice just like everybody else...he can either marry her or NOT marry her...if he can't make that choice because of his parents that just shows that he's not man enough to fight for what he really wants! he's not man enough make his own choices or he just doesn't want to or maybe he doesn't know what he wants.

Ask yourself this, do you honestly want to be with a man who can't make his own decisions? somebody who can't fight hard enough for the both of you? perhaps you should move on there are better things for you out in this world. I know this is easier said than done.

I'm not trying to be harsh or anything like that. Its just I think that sometimes we love so much we go into it with eyes closed. I am almost in the same situation. My boyfriend is Turkish and I am Asian and my parents does not allow me to see him but he still comes here as often as he can to see me in secret. but i fought with my parents and i let them know that i want to see him. and if he decides to stay here in the US (which is a problem for us) then we will see where our relationship goes and perhaps we'll get married. He is 30 years old and i am 22 we have cultural and religious differences... it is so hard but we are trying to work it out and i am not sure whether it will work out or not but i at least know we are both trying hard and not giving up easily.

I have come to accept that if things don't work out. it is okay because I'm young and there are many chances for me. you should think the same way too. there plenty of chances that you will encounter and one day you will find somebody who will chase you till the end of the milky way. and you should give your love for someone who is more deserving of it.

I'm not saying things will not work out but you should think things through by yourself and work out things with boyfriend and his family. I wish you the best in your situation. if you believe that there is a God out there... this is happening for a reason because God has great plans for you and this too shall pass... believe me you will only come out of this situation a better and wiser person.

I wish you the best.

KERRIEOGDEN,
What I want you to know is that I am Romanian and my fiancee is Turk. His family is not very religious (so, please do not believe all the things you read here or see on tv
THEY ARE ALMOST LIKE US, THE REST OF EUROPEANS...AN OVERWHELMING PERCENT)
NOT ALL TURKS ARRANGE MARRIAGES, CMON, PEOPLE..WAKE UP AND DON'T SPEAK IF U DON'T KNOW THE REALITY FROM THERE..
I HAD PROBLEMS WITH MY FAMILY, REGARDING OUR MARRIAGE...NOT HIS!!
HIS PARENTS ARE HAPPY, AND THEY ARE VERY EAGER TO KNOW ME, IN 3 WEEKS...
BUT I FOUGHT WITH MY MOM, TO BE WITH HIM AND TO ACCEPT THE IDEA THAT HE IS SPEACIAL TO ME!!
HE EVEN WANTS TO BECOME ORTHODOX, COS HE KNOWS THAT HERE,
MY PEOPLE HAVE GREAT PREJUDICES REGARDING ISLAM...
SO, please, ask your lover to fight, like a man, because this has nothing to do with religion
and to decide if he wants you...
I don't want you to suffer...please, forgive me..
Just have a mature final talk with him and ask him to be honest

dear qdemir
i dont remember i asked u a question to make a psycho-analyses of my personality. i have asked a different question.
if u have thought u would gain a hand clapping from others for mocking me, then u've received that.
as for my nick u have absolutely no idea of its history: i actually prefer being femme plus fatale than other stupid ones like "miss smth" "princess" and bla-bla!
a very weak analyses based on faulse guessings, dear qdemir.
hehehe, dating? are you really serious about this? u gallopped too far ahead.
i have no need to avoid telling from where im, i keep to my statement: nobody asked from where im, so had no need to tell.
nice point for u, because u know very well which country im from but u kept defining me as a don or molokan cossak, which was actually a good joke!
i think any person who has at least a tiny brain can guess where im from seeing the sites i've given in my profile.

thank you for teaching me about religions, but i think i know about religions more than u. btw, what are those holy religions u r talking about?
as for a religion and its use for the society, u r right, its indeed an opium for the dark mass. the religion gives them the feeling of security but also hurts severely telling the sweet stories. tell me, what is a beauty in religions?

as for the soviet union, i rush to tell u that there were no religions and still was much safer due to the severe punishments than in the post soviet period. pls, dont think i adore communism, or feel nostalgia towards poor old ussr.

is it my turn to analize ur personality?

'if u have thought u would gain a hand clapping from others for mocking me, then u've received that. '

'i think any person who has at least a tiny brain can guess where im from seeing the sites i've given in my profile.' (and so you meant he has 'no braın' )

' is it my turn to analize ur personality? '

Please...

For your information FF the forums are PUBLIC and ANY person can read/ answer / quote / ask (I thought you knew...) if you wanted your message to be PRIVATE to him didnt you know that there is something called "Private Messages"?
Just a reminder...

İ guess we'll never stop meeting like this,will we ?

You either are attacking Easterns,or attacking İslam,then ask why on earth Muslims feel hurt about it ?!
Hmmm,you know,we not just hurt,but fed up from people attacking our religion.
'being sarcastic is sort of attacking btw,we're talking about religion here'

And,some people tend to respect their religion,and surprisingly to you maybe,Muslims are from those people.

So when you attack our religion we feel hurt,and ask you not to do so,and respect it.
İf you want to state your opinion about anything,its your right of course,but attacking is far from being your right!

And we won't attack any religion back,because,we are ordered from ALLAH to respect other religions.
Now you understood why we only,Muslims feel hurt no one else ? because we been attacked no one else and we don't attack religions back,we shouldn't too,so why on earth would you feel hurt about it?!

Ps:
Well said qdemir

Please, I really don't think this is the place to discuss religious differences. Have some respect for the authors problem and if you can't say something constructive that could help her, I suggest you refer from posting at all.

femme_fatal I hope you don't mind me asking, I actually mean it but don't mean to be rude.....

Do you always argue with people or are you just arrogant when people disagree with you?

Friends, why arguing?
Kerri needed advice..not ..all these

canli,
very simply i criticise it in christian portals, if u dont mind.

Whooh this discussion has been going on for ages.... put your claws away people

And btw,haven't you noticed something from what Kerrieogden has posted here ?

Who is againist the marrige is her boyfriend's mother,although she is going well with his father,and part of his family too,but his mother not approving.

Hmmmm,would this tell you something about Muslims weak,helpless women who are staying at home doing nothing except serving men,and following them ?

İ guess not all women who are Muslims and staying at home are weak after all !

Ps: İ'm sorry Kerrieogden,that has nothing to do with your post,its some old issue.
As i told you,in İslam,he marry himself,no one can marry him against his well.

merhaba!
I am hereby asking for ceasing the ostilities!
Really, the initial post is refering to a completely different subject and we are not helping the girl in anyway by continuing in this manner!
On the other hand, a little bit of extra thinking would be helpful; there is no need to defend a thesis or a so called thesis with so much eagerness- after all there have been libraries of books written on these sensitive subjects and reading and finding out more would be of greater help!
...and anyway wise men usually sit at the same table talking about the things which unite not on those which separate them