Hi all

I've got a problem. I met my Turkish b/f when I was on holiday in August this year. I like him a lot and since I have been back in England he has been calling and texting every day. He was very keen for me to go out there again and indeed, I have booked to go back in November this year. However, since telling my close friends and my mum and dad, I am having doubts because they think I am barmy! Firstly, I am a 35 year old divorcee with a 17 year old child (yes he knows all of this) and they think I should know better. Secondly, they are sure I am going to be in danger as their view is that Turkish men are only ever after sex, money and a visa to come live in England. I was elated and excited about going back in November but now I feel confused and worried. Especially since my bloke, Hakim keeps asking me to bring various things over for his family etc. I am now wondering if I am being taken for a ride. Not only that but he has already talked about marriage and the possibility of children in the future and I thought he was joking! My mum thinks that if I go over I am likely to spend every penny I've got keeping him, his freinds and family occupied the whole time. Hakim is not rich, he works in a bar for the summer months only and he seems so sincere and lovely. However, now I don't know what to do.... Any advice or has anyone been in the same boat?

Many thanks

A rather sad.... Andrea

I would love to be putting your mind at rest but I think it is important that us ladies are honest with each other.

There are a considerable amount of Turkish men who feign love in the hope of a visa and/or money. There are equally a lot who genuinely fall for you very quickly although in my experience they fall out of love just as quickly.

There are also those that really are genuine!!

The only unfortunate thing is that there is no way of knowing but if there are alarm bells ringing then you must listen to them. I was once engaged to be married to Turkish guy who I ended it with when he asked me for money. I don't regret ending it but I still feel for him and often wonder wether he genuinely needed the cash or wether he was attempting to play me.

I'm going on a bit now but there really is no true answer other than to trust your instincts and be wary if you are parting with your money.

Hope all works out well for you - and if you've already booked why not just go and see??? You never know!!

Hi

Its Me Nickie from the translation site!

I am exactly the same - met my turkish boyfriend a month ago and am due back in just over a week to see him.

I am also divorced with two children and he has also mentioned marriage and another baby!

I have same concerns and fears as you - as do my family and friends! HElp/chat ? !

x

HI ANDREA , AS YOU ALREADY KNOW I AM IN THE SAME SITUATION -- I MET MY MAN IN JUNE AND WE CHAT ON MSN ,TEXT AND PHONE EVERY SINGLE DAY . HE HAS NEVER ASKED ME FOR MONEY OR GIFTS -- ONLY SOME ENGLISH HAIR GEL!!!!
I AM GOING BACK TO HIM IN 3 WEEKS TIME AND WE WERE GOING TO TRY FOR A VISA BUT HE HAS NO MONEY AND EVEN THO I DON'T HAVE A BAD INCLOME I HAVE NO SAVINGS AND AM NOT IN A POSITION TO GET A LOAN. I ALSO HAVE KIDS AND AM NEARING 40!!!!AS WELL AS WORKING I AM ALSO STUDYING FOR A DEGREE AND IT IS MY STUDENT LOAN I AM USING FOR MY VISIT. HIS FRIEND TELLS ME I WOULD NEED TO PUT MONEY IN HIS BANK BEFORE HE CAN GET VISA -- HE WOULD GIVE IT BACK BUT MY MAN HAS NEVER ASKED THIS OF ME. WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT GETTING MARRIED AS I HAVEW HEARD IT IS SOMETIMES EASIER TO GET A SETTLEMENT VISA RATHER THAN A HOLIDAY ONE. I AM SURE HE LOVES ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE HIM . WHEN I PHONE HIM HE IS ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT MY PHONE BILL!

I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING HIM BUT I DO NOT KNOW HOW I WILL COPE WITH LEAVING HIM AT THE END OF 2 WEEKS . IT WAS BAD ENOUGH LAST TIME I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING BUT CRY FOR WEEKS AFTER I GOT BACK HOME

I HOPE WE CAN STAY IN TOUCH ANDREA AS WE SEEM TO HAVE A LOT IN COMMON

ELAINE XX

ANDREA/ELAINE,

I think we all have the same fears and concerns! would love to keep in touch.

Nickie x

Yikes, to add to that, I just got my phone bill and it's £180 quid!! Arrgghhh... Are your men Kurdish or Turkish, mine is Kurdish and I am wondering if that should make a difference?

I am still in very mixed minds. On the one hand I don't want to waste the money I have spent on the tickets but on the other hand, I don't want to feel obliged to spend every penny I've got when I'm over there!

I keep trying to justify by saying, he is not rich, he only works at a hotel and has no work during the winter so he can't help having no money However, then I think that an English woman with money will seem even more attractive for exactly that reason!

Andrea xxx

Dear Andrea, Elaine, and Nickie,

Add me to that boat! I met my bf in July and have talked with him nearly every day since my return on 6Aug. I just spent my savings on a return ticket for my winter holidays. I use a calling card from nobel.com to phone Omer and it costs 22cents a minute from USA to talk. I think it is much more expensive for him to phone me from Turkey, but he insists on doing so- it’s a pride thing for him. Another way we connect (for free) is IM chat on MSN- I bought a webcam for next to nothing, and we can see each other and talk for hours on Sundays. (he doesn’t have a computer at home0

He works at a pretty posh summer restaurant that closes tomorrow for the season, and fortunately, he has a job at their winter restaurant, which opens in two weeks. Regardless, he only makes between 350 and 500 YTL plus tips a week.

I feel madly in love with him, and he me, but reason tells me this is a ludicrous venture. But, am I following my head? No- my heart is guiding me on this one.

He has never asked me for anything monetary. He did ask me to contact a cancer doctor in the USA for his father to inquire about a clinical trial at Istanbul. If he asked me for anything monetary/gifts.., I would end the relationship. To me, that would be a HUGE red flag. Like your bf’s Omer has talked about marriage and kids too, but not in a very serious way. He is very romantic and very emotional, and he gets carried away with “I love you so much I just want to marry you”. Or , “I would love to have a baby before my father dies”…Things like that when he gets excited. I have thought about the marriage thing from a practical level, because I want him desperately to come here and meet my family and friends.

I don’t know what to expect when I return in December. I am trying to stay focused in the present with my feet on the ground. I do know that I am meeting the rest of his family in December. That is a good indicator of a serious person. In terms of going out and spending money when I am there, I also don’t intend to pay for everything, but understand we might eat and go out to places that he can afford. It’s very important for him to be able to feel like he can provide for me. Fortunately, we are renting an apartment with a kitchen, so we can eat more affordable- and he’s a great cook

In terms of the future I have a very teaching job here, with excellent benefits and phenomenal pension plan, I can’t imagine giving that up and moving to Turkey, yet Omer can’t imagine moving here. Actually I think he would hate it here. He loves the Turkish way of life as do I. If all goes well during my winter visit, I do plan on returning to study next summer for two months at Bosphorus University. If that goes well, I will return for a year. (I am eligible for a one year sabbatical).

The hardest part of all of this, is I feel at any moment he might fall in love with someone else, or fall out of love with me. Or, I might find out- we are just madly infatuated with each other and not compatible in a long term way. We have only been together for two weeks- How can that possibly be love?
Yet, it sure feels like it...

I am relieved to hear that all of you are struggling with similar issues. Please keep in touch. I am eager to hear any advice, and find out how things turn out.

Thanks for sharing and listening!
Christine

Dear Andrea, Elaine, Nicki and Christine,

Add one more to the boat!! I will also be visiting Turkey in December. I met my bf here in the US and then he went back to Turkey. I have visited twice since then and he has also asked me to marry him (although no ring)but I said not yet. I didn't feel we knew each other long enough. I feel the same way, is it infatuation or true love. I also have a very good job with a school district and excellent benefits, but on my last trip we were looking at places to live and jobs for me. I feel we all have a lot in common and would love to chat with all of you. I guess all we can do is keep our eyes open. Hope to talk more.

Wendy (lovebug)

Hi to you all ,

It is wonderful to know i am not alone . tonight i have spoken on the phne to him for 1 hour and on msn for 2 hours even tho his english is poor!!!! i feel a bit low as all i want is to be with him. i am sure you all know that feeling I think it is going to be hard to get him a visa even if we get married - i would love to live in turkey but i have 3 kids to think about. and i do not know what jobs i could apply for . have any of you tried to apply for a visa for your man??

i have friends in turkey who tell me that the men can not be trusted and that they only want visa -- and that they have lots of english women they chat up and ask to marry. i find this hard to believe of my man but maybe i am wrong. i ,too, am using my savings to go back in 3 weeks time then after thati will not be able to return until january and again that is using my student loan!!!

saometimes i feel it is so hard and i don't know what to do , but i can not end it with him i love him too much. thank you all for being here -- it is great to know that you are all in similar situations .. let us all keep in touch and ahare our worries and our happy times too

love to you all , ELAINE XX

TO ANDREA

it doesn't make any difference to you if he is kurdish but many turkish people do not like kurdish -- it is a political thing i think !!

my phone bill was £120 for this month!!! and like you i don't want to spend all my money when i go back. but i know he is poor and that is how i justify it too -- but then i a have very little money also
it is a sad situation

i am so looking forward to being with him but i dread having to leave him


if any of you fancy a chat and have msn my address is elainealison4@hotmail.co.uk

would be lovely to chat xxx

ELAINE XX