General/Off-topic |
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Jokes and riddles
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| 240. |
15 Dec 2008 Mon 12:35 pm |
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I´ve just come back from an appointment with a fortune teller........
She told me alot of money would be coming my way.......I left very excited and immediately got hit by a Securicor van........
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| 241. |
15 Dec 2008 Mon 11:56 pm |
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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a ´sniffing dog´. ´His name is Sniffer and he´s the best there is. I´ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.´
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, ´Watch this.´ He told Sniffer to ´search.´
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent´s arm.
The agent said, ´ Good boy´, and he turned to the man and said, ´That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I´m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
´Say, that´s pretty neat,´ replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent´s arm.
The agent said, ´That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I ´m making a note of his seat number for the police.´
I like it!´ said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to ´search´ again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn´t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, ´What´s going on?´
The agent nervously replied, ´He…ah...he just found a bomb.
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| 242. |
16 Dec 2008 Tue 10:56 am |
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Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought, That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face. The fat lady thought, That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him. Bill Clinton thought, George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me. George Bush thought, I hope there´s another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.´
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| 243. |
16 Dec 2008 Tue 02:58 pm |
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Why doesn´t Santa smoke ?
´cos it´s bad for his Elf........
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| 245. |
16 Dec 2008 Tue 04:46 pm |
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Why doesn´t Santa smoke ?
´cos it´s bad for his Elf........
It´s not a problem in the UK because we have a National Elf Service
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| 246. |
16 Dec 2008 Tue 04:49 pm |
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I´ve just come back from an appointment with a fortune teller........
She told me alot of money would be coming my way.......I left very excited and immediately got hit by a Securicor van........
 yeah thats a lot of money just hit you
you lucky!
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| 247. |
16 Dec 2008 Tue 04:53 pm |
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It´s not a problem in the UK because we have a National Elf Service
But they are trying to stop using it for smoking related problems.......
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| 248. |
20 Dec 2008 Sat 05:37 pm |
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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son´s
house.
She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.
´What are you doing?´ she asked.
´I´m waiting for Justin to come home from
work.´ The daughter-in-law answered.
´ But you´re naked!´ the mother-in-law exclaimed..
´This is my love dress,´ the daughter-in-law
explained.
´Love dress? But you´re naked!´
´Justin loves me to wear this dress,´ she
explained.
´Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.´
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.
´ What are you doing?´ he asked.
´This is my love dress,´ she whispered,
sensually.
´Needs ironing,´ he said, ´What´s for dinner?´
 
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| 249. |
22 Dec 2008 Mon 10:03 am |
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THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don´t undo my trousers, I´ll burst !
5: I´ve never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet ?
8: It´s a little dry, do you still want to eat it ?
9: Just wait your turn, you´ll get some !
10: Don´t play with your meat !
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you´ll be able to handle all these people at once ?
13: I didn´t expect everyone to come at the same time !
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in ?
16: You´ll know it´s ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That´s the biggest bird I´ve ever had !
19: I´m so full, I´ve been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn´t think I could handle all that and still want more.
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| 250. |
22 Dec 2008 Mon 10:59 am |
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THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don´t undo my trousers, I´ll burst !
5: I´ve never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet ?
8: It´s a little dry, do you still want to eat it ?
9: Just wait your turn, you´ll get some !
10: Don´t play with your meat !
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you´ll be able to handle all these people at once ?
13: I didn´t expect everyone to come at the same time !
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in ?
16: You´ll know it´s ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That´s the biggest bird I´ve ever had !
19: I´m so full, I´ve been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn´t think I could handle all that and still want more.
- I´m really surprised les(s)luv didn´t get in first with this one!
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