A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, ´I´ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition.´

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, ´You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.´

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man´s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.........






´Clean my house.´

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Don´t take life too seriously. You´re not getting out alive, anyway.

Everybody lies, but it doesn´t matter since nobody listens

Everyone is entitled to my opinion

God loves stupid people. That´s why he made so many

If something goes without saying, LET IT!

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn´t work anyway

Just remember...if the world didn´t suck, we´d all fall off

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges ?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Not really jokes - more truisms (or should that be aphorisms )   - but I liked them

a man calls his home and and his gardener answer the phone after 4-5 ringing

gardener : hello,

the man : why you did answer the phone very late ?

gardener : i am sorry sir, i was trying to fix the garden shovel

the man: what happened ?

gardener : your dog died today and the shovel broked while i was digging a grave for your dog.

the man : OH GOD , MY DOG !!! , what happened to my dog, why he died ?

gardener : he did fell down in the pool

the man : my dog can swimm, this is bullshit..

gardener : sir, your house burned today and the fire brigade did use the water of the pool to extinguish your house, and your dog did fall down in empty pool ..

the man : WHAT ??? MY HOUSE?? WHY ? HOW?

gardener : sir, your mom had an heart attack today and she died too and the one of the someones who were they came in the house to help for her, droped his/her cigarette on the carpet and the fire did start because of this.

the man : OMG OMG, MY MOMMMM ? WHAT THE HELL? WHYYY??

gardener: sir, when your mom get in your bed room to take something from there, she saw your wife with another man in your bed and she had an heart attack.

the man : F...k!!!! omg omg omg , what the hell is going on there oh god ( and he asked while he is crying) , is there any positive thing today??

gardener : oh yes sir there is, do you remember that you went to doctor to test for HIV virus last week?

the man : yes i remember.

gardener : the test results came today and ITS POSITIVE .....

 It was really a nice one..

Forgiveness ...

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ´How many of you have forgiven your enemies?´
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Miss Kay´´; ´Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?´
I don´t have any.´ She replied, smiling sweetly.
´Miss Kay", that is very unusual. How old are you?´
´Ninety-eight.´ she replied.
´Oh, Miss. Kay, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can
live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?´  
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:  
´I out lived the b*****s. ´  !

Computer geek  programmer quotes.......

If at first you don´t succeed; call it version 1.0"

"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."

"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there´s Google."

"unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep" - my daily unix command list

"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." - Robert Firth

"If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise."

"The more I C, the less I see."


"To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password."

"After Perl everything else is just assembly language."

"If brute force doesn´t solve your problems, then you aren´t using enough."

"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."

"Unix is user-friendly. It´s just very selective about who its friends are."

"COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods."

“Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” — Michael Sinz

"There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don´t."

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - This is not humorous by itself; but in the context it´s a classic by Bill Gates in 1981

Microsoft: "You´ve got questions. We´ve got dancing paperclips."

"Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer." - Erik Naggum

"Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell."

"SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it."

"Windows95: It´s like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.

"People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song ´Start me up´ in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn´t use the line ´You´ll make a grown man cry´."

"I´m not anti-social; I´m just not user friendly"

"A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"

"The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2."

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila"

"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d"

"To go forward, you must backup."

"I would love to change the world, but they won´t give me the source code"

"A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting."

"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."

"Better to be a geek than an idiot."

"Windows isn´t a virus, viruses do something."

"Geek´s favorite pickup line: Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform? "

"Be nice to geeks when you´re in school, you might end-up working for one when you grow-up."

"Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail."

"Evolution is God´s way of issuing upgrades."

"The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back."

"It´s a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages."

"The box said ´Required Windows 95 or better´. So, I installed LINUX."

"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."

 This is the TC creed!!

 yes especially the first part

     Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
     them decides to call 911:
      Blonde:   We need help. We´re three blondes changing
                a light bulb.
      Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
      Blonde:   Yes.
      Operator: The power in the house in on?
      Blonde:   Of course.
      Operator: And the switch is on?
      Blonde:   Yes, yes.
      Operator: And the bulb still won´t light up?
      Blonde:   No, it´s working fine.
      Operator: Then what´s the problem?
      Blonde:   We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
                we all fell and hurt ourselves.

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop.  His boss
comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you
handle it?  "The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss´s
positive comments he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She:  "How much for the black one?"
He:   "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She:  "I think I´ll take the black one.  I´ve never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
  A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
dildo?"
He:  "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He:  "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I´ll take the white one.  I´ve never had a white one
      before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
  About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are
your dildos?"
He:  "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He:  "Well, that´s a very special dildo...it´ll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I´ll take the plaid one, I´ve never
     had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
 Finally, the guy´s boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"