This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop.  His boss
comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you
handle it?  "The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss´s
positive comments he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She:  "How much for the black one?"
He:   "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She:  "I think I´ll take the black one.  I´ve never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
  A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
dildo?"
He:  "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He:  "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I´ll take the white one.  I´ve never had a white one
      before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
  About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are
your dildos?"
He:  "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He:  "Well, that´s a very special dildo...it´ll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I´ll take the plaid one, I´ve never
     had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
 Finally, the guy´s boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

 Great punch line!!

How the fight started..........

My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was changing channels. She asked, ´What´s on the TV?´
I said, ´Dust.´ And then the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our next anniversary. She said, ´I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.´
I bought her a set of scales... And then the fight started...
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station. And then the fight started...
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver´s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ´Unbutton your shirt´. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ´That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me´ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ´You should have dropped your trousers. You might have received disability allowance too.´
And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ´Do you know her?´ ´Yes,´ I sighed, ´She´s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn´t been sober since.´
´My God!´ says my wife, ´who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?´
And then the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I´ll have the rib-eye steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren´t you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

---------------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ´I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.´ The husband replies, ´ Well your eyesight´s near perfect.´
And then the fight started.....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Stella for £14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream would.
And then the fight started....

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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her bum look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started.....

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o´clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ´Holy crap. That must be my husband!´ So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ´I AM your husband!´
The woman yelled back, ´Yeah, then why were you running?´
And then the fight started.....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the trailer to the car, and proceeded to reverse out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife´s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ´The weather out there is terrible.´
My loving wife of 10 years replied, ´Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?´
And then the fight started ...

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven´t been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that´s when the fight started.....

--------------------------------------------- - - -

My wife and I are watching ´Who Wants To Be A Millionaire´ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn´t even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I´d like to phone a friend." And that´s when the fight started....

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn´t work, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the car, e-mail, golf, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
´When you finish cutting the grass,´ I said, ´you might as well sweep the driveway.´
And that´s when the fight started...

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ´Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?´
The father, surprised, answers, ´Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman´s boobs are like melons, round and firm. In
Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After
50, they are like onions´.

Onions?´

Yes, you see them and they make you cry.´

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ´Mom, how many kinds of ´willies´ are there?´
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ´Well dear, a man goes through
three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree´.

´A Christmas tree?´
Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.´

 Why do I have the idea that some of our male friends don´t like this joke?

only the ones in their 50´s who are the proud owners of christmas trees

 Also all others, foreseeing their future....

 Heavens know what happens in their 60´s

 TIIIIIIIIIIMBER

prostate surgery!and everything comes to an end. my father`s nightmare...

An ode to all those who want to get on in life

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here´s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M