A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her Husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, Protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn´t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a Passionate moment in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you´re not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I´ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
Got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
Poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the Husband replied,
 "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.”

EWWWWWWW!!!!  I hope she burns that costume!

A WOMAN´S WEEK AT THE GYM 

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.  He is something of a Greek god- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.  Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT-!! It´s a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn´t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn´t help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells.  When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don´t have any triceps! And if you don´t want dents in the floor, don´t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn´t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I´m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.  I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Drastic Diet

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. ´´Guaranteed my ass,´´ he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ´´If you can catch me you can have me!´´

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ´´I like the way this company does business.´´

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there´s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ´´If you can catch me, you can have me.´´

He´s after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it´s worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he´s ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program. 

´´Are you sure,´´ asks the representative on the phone, ´´this is our most rigorous program...´´ 

´´Absolutely,´´ he replies. ´´ I haven´t felt this great in years!´´

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds an athletic well built guy standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ´´If I catch you, I have you!!´´´

Mirror mirror on the wall!!

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there´s a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

1.
The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:
"I´m sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in
case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon , we have copies of everything."

============ ========= ========= ========= =====
2
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my
condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that...
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It´s eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
3
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bar man, "Isn´t that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The bar man says "Yep, that´s them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We´re planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What´s going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we´re going to kill 14 million Pakistanis
and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
============ ========= ========= ========= =====
4
Pakistani on the moon:
Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?
A: Problem...
Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem...
Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem...
Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?
A: ...... Problem Solved!!!
============ ========= ========= ========= =====
5
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl´s life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:
"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"
The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"
The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog"

One for old times sake lol

I went into the local kebab shop last night, and was surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.

"Santa!" I said "What on earth are you doing working here? Shouldn´t you be sorting out all the presents for Christmas Day?"

Santa sighed. He´d really let himself go. His red suit had chilli sauce stains and bits of lettuce all over it. He was a total mess, and he just looked fed up. I got the impression he really didn´t want to be serving up kebabs.

"Well," Santa said, "the business has gone down the pan. What with the recession, the credit crunch and everything, the toy industry really took a beating. I had to lay off most of the elves, make cut-backs in quality, and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out. But... it didn´t help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

"Oh that´s terrible, Santa" I said. "I´m really sorry; it sort of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a big way."

"Yeah," Santa said, and smiled. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"

So I said, "I´ll have a large Doner, please Santa."

"Sorry," Santa replied. "I´ve run out of Doner.......Will a few slices of Prancer and Blitzen be OK?"

HO HO HO

married couple in their 60´s are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. I want to travel the world with my darling husband said the wife. Two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.
Husband says, sorry love i want to have a wife 30 yrs younger than me.
So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92.
Moral of the story
men who are ungratful bastards should remember FAIRIES ARE FREAKIN FEMALE!!

this caught my attention today

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

We know many jokes with turks... but can´t be told