Let me compare two situations. It's very interesting. And no, none of these people are ME and don't involve ME whatsoever! I'm an outsider and this is not one of those "my friend" posts. haha

I have a friend here in the U.S. who has been married for about 15 years. He has been unhappy in his marriage for about 10 years or more - very unhappy. They sleep in separate bedrooms, don't get along...but he stays "for the kids." They have two children. He says as soon as the kids are out of the house, he'll divorce. They're almost teenagers now, so he has a good 8 years left in the house. He and his wife fight a lot but do try to be "one force" when parenting. He doesn't want to leave and be a part-time Dad. He's in his mid-40's, so a bit older at this stage.. He doesn't want his kids to lose their "home", all that stuff. He's pretty miserable. He does plan to divorce eventually. He has not had any affairs or anything like that (at least not that I know of). I guess they have an "arrangement" to just raise the kids. No sex life either. I've known him for a long time and can honestly say this is an accurate account of the situation.

Compare this to my friend who told me a story about his best friend in Turkey, Hakan. This story sounds like a soap opera. Here is what I know, that was relayed to me by my friend, and I think the story is a few years old, as I don't think they keep in touch as much anymore...

Everyone in this story is Turkish and lives in Turkey. His best friend, Hakan, married at age 30 to a woman his family arranged for him to meet, named Fatima. They knew each other a month and then married. Here's what my friend said happened...this is long...

Hakan said he didn't want to marry, but felt family pressure, due to his age, and just did it because he hadn't fallen in love anyway and felt obligated. Hakan and Fatima both come from very wealthy families, both very educated (she's a doctor, and I think he's an engineer), so this wasn't an arranged marriage of two young, uneducated people from a small villages being forced to marry. Neither are very religious. Hakan never loved Fatima, but did end up marrying her. Immediately he regretted the marriage. They were not compatible or something of that nature. He threatened divorce numerous times, Fatima begged him not to.


They spent most of their marriage apart. Hakan came to the U.S. to attend graduate school right after they married and Fatima stayed back in Turkey. This is how my friend met Hakan, at the beginning of his marriage. They went to the same school in New York. So Hakan and Fatima were apart most of their marriage (a couple of years) unless he went home to visit, which wasn't very often. Then he says Hakan met an American at school and fell deeply in love - a very quick and intense relationship. This happened in his graduating semester. My friend liked the American and approved of Hakan marrying her. However, Hakan was still married to Fatima, obviously. Hakan wanted an immediate divorce and my friend agreed with him. Hakan graduated and went back to Turkey to get a divorce. When he got there, Fatima told him she was pregnant (before Hakan could ask for a divorce). The story is, Fatima had apparently visited Hakan in the U.S. earlier that year, and was maybe 4-5 months pregnant or so when Hakan went back home (not totally sure). This was right before Hakan met the American. Fatima kept the pregnancy a secret until Hakan got home, and my friend says this is because Hakan had talked about divorce over the phone with her and had told her he never wanted kids with her because of their marriage not being good. Not sure if that's true or not. So once Hakan graduated and went home to Turkey, he stayed with Fatima. Fatima had the child a few months later. Meanwhile, Hakan told the American girl he would marry her, but it would take some time because of the situation. The American still wanted to marry him also. I guess he kept in touch with the American for several months. Once the baby was born, Hakan cut all contact with the American and also with my friend who told me this story. He literally disappeared over night. The American also graduated and ended up moving out of New York (don't know where) and Hakan does not know what happened to her, but said she was devastated. My friend and Hakan did get back in touch after about a year, but at that point, Hakan refused to discuss the situation about the American, saying he was unhappy but accepted his fate with Fatima. To this day they don't talk about it other than for Hakan to say he's very unhappy.

Fast forward a little bit...So Hakan now has a kid with this woman, is back in Turkey, still married, and miserable. Since Hakan has a kid, he won't leave his wife because she'll never remarry and he feels he can't. He has seen Hakan go through a huge depression over losing his "true love" - says Hakan's personality has changed a lot and he's a very deprssed and negative person. He is not the person he knew in college at all. I realize this is all coming from the man's point of view, but this is how it was told to me.

I think this situation is a lot of the reason why my friend is really reluctant to marry because of what he saw Hakan go through. And we are just friends, so again, no effect on me, just sharing this wild story. He told it very passionately and it seemed to upset him a great deal. He really cared a lot about Hakan and they were very close.

My point is...culturally speaking, I cannot see an American staying with a woman the way a Turk does. HUGE cultural difference!!! An American man would say screw it, get the divorce, and marry. He would also never marry someone he didn't love after a month to please his family. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. I will ask my friend if he knows anything more about this situation.

Is education cheap in Turkey? Because here, you would spend $100,000 + on an education to become a doctor, and because of this, you'd still work after you had a child. You'd have to just to pay the loan! That's how much it costs to go to med school here. I wonder if the women physician you said stays home now had to fork out much money for her education? Wouldn't it be nice if our doctors could be educated without taking out huge loans? Also in the U.S., to just stop being a doctor, unless you had numerous children, would be odd.

Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head!! But don't you think it's a sad existence? Being American, I do. I'm a romantic though.

By the way, my friend wanted to try to contact the American and to try and have her and Hakan talk. Remember, he is Turkish!! I told him I thought it was a bad idea. My friend has become very Americanized, obviously. He said it is so hurtfult to see Hakan living such an existence. I just told him that Hakan is not helpless, he's a grown man, and he chooses to be in his situation from what I see, and to just leave it alone. I think I was able to convince him this is a bad idea. He just said Hakan was so happy with her. But we all make choices in life and I think in this case it's best not to interfere. Imagine, ME telling the Turk this!! HAHAHA

Yes, I agree Elisabeth. Really it just makes me glad I am not any of these people in these horrible situations!!! I could not imagine!!!

My grand parents had an arranged marriage. I remember my grandmother telling me about her wedding day and how she was so worried that she would "please" her new husband and his mother. In those days, when you married, you went and lived in your husband's family home until you had children of your own. It seems alien to me, but I know they did it because their families were friends and they thought it would be a good idea to "join forces" so to speak. Lucky for them, they loved eachother very much but in those days, I think they just learned to love eachother. Love was not a romantic concept. Love was loyalty, furthering your families holdings and procreating to ensure your lineage continues. Once you did all that, you were in LOVE....