My grand parents had an arranged marriage. I remember my grandmother telling me about her wedding day and how she was so worried that she would "please" her new husband and his mother. In those days, when you married, you went and lived in your husband's family home until you had children of your own. It seems alien to me, but I know they did it because their families were friends and they thought it would be a good idea to "join forces" so to speak. Lucky for them, they loved eachother very much but in those days, I think they just learned to love eachother. Love was not a romantic concept. Love was loyalty, furthering your families holdings and procreating to ensure your lineage continues. Once you did all that, you were in LOVE....

I should also add that although I do agree about family being everything to Turks, I was shocked at the education level of everyone involved in the story. I don't mean this in a demeaning way toward people who are not highly educated at ALL! Just that it sounded like a story of two young kids from a small village, probably religious families - not an educated female doctor and a man who had lived abroad and was a practicing engineer, both in their 30's, who aren't religious (both from Ankara, I believe). I wonder what the divorce statistics in Turkey are by education level, location, age, and number in household???Would be interesting to know.

Yes, a long time ago I could see that being the case. But in this day and age, I find it a little shocking. I'm obviously naive. haha

It definately saves you from the stress of dating!!

My friend says he will never marry until he meets "the one." He is too Americanized at this point. Luckily his family back in Turkey accepts this and they don't pressure him to marry. He also says he prefers not to marry a girl raised in Turkey because of how different they would be culturally, as he has been in the U.S. for some time. I thought that was kind of judgemental, but his friend's situation really affected him. He did date a girl from the UK for a while, but said she wasn't "the one."

He said Hakan dated a lot when he was younger, mostly European girls while in Turkey. Nobody the family would approve of him marrying though. I am going to call my friend and see if I can get more info out of him about this because now I'm intrigued!! ...hang tight.

Elisabeth, you are married to a Turk, right? See what he says about this stiuation. I'm very curious. What would he tell my friend to do about it? Stay out of it, I'm guessing! At least that's MY opinion!!! I'd love to have another person to back me up on that advice!!

Wow, what a mess! Not all Turks are in loveless marriages though. Even if arranged ones. But this sounds like a disaster.

Good point! Yes, Americans do also marry with restrictions in mind such as race, religion, or basically acceptance into the family.

As far as why Hakan went to America, what I recall from the story is that Fatima wanted to get married much sooner than Hakan did and she knew he was going to America for graduate school and accepted this, knowing they would be apart. I think she was a bit older in Turkish standards for not being married yet (she was close to Hakan's age, so probably close to 30 ). Maybe she felt pressure to marry quick because of her age, I don't know. This is how my friend described Hakan coming to the U.S. at least. I thought it was odd too. But I also know a lot of middle easterners who come here married and leave their wives behind for years (okay, Turkey isn't the middle east, but you get my point). Also, I think Fatima did not speak English and that was a big part of why she stayed in Turkey. I don't really know the details of this arrangement though. I'll ask my friend more about this. You have to remember, I only got a third-hand account from a guy's perspective of this situation that took place years ago.

My friend told me this story a while ago and then the divorce debate came up only yesterday (about laws, the EU), so I will see if he has any updates on the situation, including the American. You are right...the American probably moved on. I know I would!