Aries

People born under the sign of the ram are hot headed, love to give orders and hate to take them, unless it is Thursday.  Unfortunately, the start of the year sees you in a huge argument with Catwoman, which will thereafter be referred to, in hushed tones, as the “pink burka incident”.  You are swiftly deleted and attempt to create a rival website called “Turkish Sandwich Class” but nobody joins, except “Big John” from Leeds, who thinks it is a food-porn site.

Summer is NOT a good time to take up ballroom dancing as you have a nasty retrograde with Uranus. In July you will find the perfect opportunity to embezzle money from your company. Do it – you will never get caught.  

Autumn finds Aries females alone and looking for a new dudu.  However, caution with finances is advised for all Aries at this time, so do NOT send any cellphones, laptops or money right now.   This knock on affect will find Aries dudus feeling the pinch (and NOT in a good way).

Winter finds you dying your hair platinum blonde, but you leave the bleach in for too long and it goes grey and people think you are theHandsom.  If you are Aries with venus rising at this time, please don’t wear tight jeans out in public. 

Lucky Deleted Classmate:  Rain

Lucky Hedge: Hawthorn

Ex-President to Avoid in Lifts: Bill Clinton

Classmate you are most likely to agree with: Femmeous

Classmate you are most likely to argue with: Cybernetics

Taurus

People with bull who tend to talk a lot of bull.  You are stubborn, slow and stroppy and often have foot fetishes.  Spring is not a good time for you bulls, as you dislike the taste of daffodils.  A wild romance will end in disaster as you discover that the object of your desire is a Tarkan fan. 

Summer brings obesity and fun.  Try to avoid any posts penned by Doudi at this time, as you are vulnerable to speech impediments.  A strange encounter with a sheep leaves you feeling flustered.

Autumn finds you happy, full of life and very annoying to others.  Neptune rising, combined with excessive alcohol consumption, leaves you feeling dizzy.

Winter brings a surprise through the post, and something of a shock.  Open all parcels with extreme caution – it would not be extreme to don a gas mask and goggles.  You attempt to spice up your love life by trying a new position in bed, and opt for “laying flat on your back, snoring”.  Your love life remains dull.

Lucky Most Frequent User: Girleegirl.

Lucky Deposed Leader: Sidi Mohamed Ould Cheikh Abdallahi of Mauritania

Bird to avoid: The Brown Flycatcher

Classmate you are most likely to snog: tamikidakika

Classmate you are most likely to share your saucy secrets with: Roswitha

Gemini

Geminis are talkative, quick witted and funny.  It is often said that they are “two people in one” but that is just said by kinky sapiks who have fetishes for twins. 

Spring brings a new love into your life.  Grab it with both hands, wherever you feel necessary and use oil if you feel chafing.  Your passionate, excessively noisy love making results in complaints from neighbouring cats.

Summer finds you narcissistic Geminis even more in love with yourselves than usual, despite troublesome acne.  A failure to remember a dentist appointment results in the loss of thousands of lives.

Autumn brings a new start and you draw a line under the past.  You then draw a circle and two more lines and people start to question your artistic abilities.

Winter finds you cold and moody, particularly on Tuesdays.  You try to cheer yourself up by attempting to find an online love, but suddenly receive no spam PMs (apart from the usual one from the “captain” ).  You feel unloved, and you are right.

Lucky Deleted User By His Own Request: Vineyards

Lucky Colour: Puce

Prince to avoid: His Serene Highness Prince zu Windisch-Graetx of Austria

Classmate you are most likely to have a crush on: HarpOOn

Classmate you are most likely to complain about: Canli

More to follow

 Being a Taurus I suddenly don´t believe in horoscopes anymore!

This is a personal insult to me and my hair..And a huge LIE!!!!

I demand that it should be deleted..

Looking forward for the... virgo!

 Then you don´t think I´m your lucky most frequent user?

ooh ooh welcome back from the dead.....can´t wait for mine

 Of course canim, that part is so true. But the rest? Nah...