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any tips for dealing with the crazy turkish mans jea,ousy!
(14 Messages in 2 pages - View all)
[1] 2
1.       melek1987
18 posts
 22 Oct 2005 Sat 07:59 pm

2.       evilhermit
44 posts
 22 Oct 2005 Sat 08:19 pm

I can sympathize. You're not allowed any male friends at all and you'd better be where you say you are or else. Has he got other people watching over you for him yet?
I hate to tell you this but, he is not going to change.
Some women appreciate that kind of control others learn to deal with it with not too much stress on the relationship. If you can do it, more power to you. But if you don't think you can, my advice, (my opinion, no offence to anyone) get out while you can and hope he accepts the breakup peacefully.
Just don't ever think it'll get better or he'll lighten up. It won't happen.

3.       melek1987
18 posts
 22 Oct 2005 Sat 08:25 pm

4.       Lyndie
968 posts
 22 Oct 2005 Sat 11:22 pm

Quote:

he isnt controling he doesnt order me to do anything..i just feel he doesnt trust me or something..its like im always doing the wrong thing but when he does he doesnt accept it n finds some stupid reason to blame me...it doesnt seem equal



I'm sorry but how can you say he isn't controlling in one breath and then say that he doesn't trust you, you always feel like you do the wrong thing and he blames his own behaviour on you? This IS TOTALLY controlling behaviour, because you will start to adapt your behaviour to avoid confrontations with him if you haven't already! IF this isn't controlling behaviour i don't know what is!

In England, I work with domestic abuse perpetrators and everything you describe about his behaviour would be considered in England as domestic abuse. Lack of respect/trust, manipulating you into saying and doing what he wants you to do. Constantly checking on where you are and what you are doing, Don't make the mistake of believing this is all about how much he loves you. ALL abusers say this. If you were married to this man and living in Turkey he would not stop with this. He would keep you short of money, so that you couldn't go anywhere (if you havn't got money you can't do anything!) He WILL have other people watching you (this is part of the culture) I have experienced this myself. They tell you it is to keep you safe. SAFE FROM WHAT exactly?

As someone else has said in another post, this cherishing can be very seductive, I have also experienced this (see my post about being 'looked after' and i am an older, experienced, independent professional English woman) and, with the right partner, a very nice thing to settle into if you are not too used to being independent BUT - this must be based on mutual respect trust. This boy does not sound like he respects or trusts you and he never will. BEWARE, He IS controlling you and you must be very careful, if you were married to him he would consider you as belong to him. As his possession he can do what he likes with you. He goes 'mad' now at things you do or say - the next step would be to hit you. He will choose your friends. (only those who behave in ways he approves of), he will give you times to come and go and God help you if you are late! He will have other men watching you and reporting back to him about what you do, where you go, who you talk to and again God help you if he doesn't approve of any of the things he hears about (and I know you know this already, if he chooses not to accept your explanations he can say what he likes and you will not change his mind). Everything you have said about this boy is ringing warning bells for me. BE VERY CAREFUL before you commit yourself to him in a way which will not allow you to escape. I'd bet my last 瞿1.00 that if you go to Turkey to live with him, he'll have your passport off of you - 'to keep it safe'. He will undermine you until you have no confidence in yourself and are completely unable to make decisions for yourself. this is all part of the control. Make no mistake about this!

Sorry to say all this to you, but if he is like this now God help you if you marry him or go to turkey to live with him.


5.       Lyndie
968 posts
 22 Oct 2005 Sat 11:24 pm

Sorry again Melek, but the only thing I disagree with Evilhermit about is whether he will change or not. He'll change alright and it will be for the worse!

6.       xkirstyx
363 posts
 23 Oct 2005 Sun 03:46 am

i agree it will only get worse. how long have you been with him? so many girls on here seem to think its a compliment that their turkish boyfriend is jealous, when most of the time they just want to control you , most of the time they need you , not want you.

7.       Aidhan
23 posts
 23 Oct 2005 Sun 04:34 am

Hello there Melek. Based on experience, have sincere conversations about it.



Edited (1/9/2014) by Aidhan

8.       xkirstyx
363 posts
 23 Oct 2005 Sun 05:21 pm

i would LOVE it if all the girls who are writing about their boyfriends would say how long they have been together

9.       Deli_kizin
6376 posts
 23 Oct 2005 Sun 09:24 pm

Hi

Another note on the not-trusting issue. It's not always a matter of not trusting YOU. When i told my boyfriend (we are officially together for 6 months now,but we've been deeply in love for almost 2 years,but not wanting to call an internet-relationship a real relationship till we'd have seen eachother.which happened 6 months ago.the reality was even better than the dream!he's simply gorgeous!)
Anyways. I told my boyfriend i planned to go out with my girls at night to a club outside my city. He didnt approve. At least, he told me i could go if i wanted to,but when i live with him in Izmir, he will not let me go out at the streets at night without him. He said there even wasn't discussion about it, because he didnt want his girl at night alone in a club full of strange guys, on the way home in the dark with creepy figures. I asked him if it was because he didnt trust me. But he said: i trust YOU, but i definately DONT trust all the cheeky creepy men you could possibly meet on the street.

And i think he's right. Im not saying that this counts for every guy ofcourse, but i know Kadir is sincere about this.

10.       Lyndie
968 posts
 23 Oct 2005 Sun 09:41 pm

Of course the reality of this is that you would not be alone if you were with your friends and if you get a taxi home you won't be on the street with cheeky creepy men. Its not that different anywhere else in the world, You go out with your friends, you go home in a taxi!

The cheeky creepy men, sound just the same idea of dogs, wolves and drug crazed bad people. See my post about being 'looked after' !

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