"All of us have done some things, some time, that we were told as children not to do. Or some of us do things on the holiday abroad we would not do at home. The number of Turks who have told me that when they went to Germany, England, America or Australia, they ate pork! They went to a bar! They had a drink! They went on a date with a foreigner! And so on…

We all know the expression when the cat’s away, the mice will play. When we come back home, or the cat comes home, so to say, things are different. I have received a few letters that ask the same question in a different way. Let me share one of them. It reads:

Dear Charlotte: I met my Turkish boyfriend in a bar when he was studying in my country. Since he has returned to Turkey, he calls me every night. We plan to marry and live in Turkey. One night when he called I was down at the bar with my girlfriends. The same bar where we met each other. When he realized that I was at the bar he got very angry. He jumped to conclusions and exclaimed that Europeans are too laid back about things and he told me that he does not want me to go to the bar without him. I still want my independence and I want him to be OK about this. He needs to trust me. Signed, Confused.

Dear Confused: There are two things going on here: one is called protection and possession and the other is known as a double standard. Your boyfriend believes he should be there to protect you from other guys who may approach you. In his culture a woman or group of women going to a bar unescorted, by at least one male, be it a man or younger brother, is not common. They must be “looking for fun.”

Have you heard of a double standard? Wikipedia defines a double standard as a standard applied more leniently to one group than to another. For example, the belief that it is permissible for teenage boys, but not teenage girls, to engage in premarital sex is a double standard. While double standards are generally condemned in the abstract, they are also very common. A double standard violates the principle of impartiality -- not everything goes for everyone. There is a fine line between double standard and hypocrisy. If a man believes it is his right to have extramarital affairs but that his wife does not have such a right, he holds a double standard. A man who condemns all adultery while maintaining a mistress is a hypocrite.

Your boyfriend is displaying a double standard: It was OK for you to go to this club to meet each other but not OK for you to go now. But it is more than just a double standard. Before, you were just “a girl.” What you did would not reflect on him or his family honor. Now you are “his girl,” and your behavior will affect the honor of all women in his family.

It seems to me you have some serious issues to think about before you jump into the relationship lock, stock and barrel.

Human beings want to be trusted and crave intimacy: Everyone needs to love and be loved. This is true of single culture relationships and is still true of cross cultural relationships. Because of the extra need to understand where each other are coming from, cross-cultural relationships need extra time and effort".

Charlotte McPherson, "Met in the Bar!If you love me you will trust me", Today`s Zaman, 16.03.2007

I bet that story will ring true in many ears.

to be,seem like and to suppose,they all so different things.and thats certain there r many deep differences between life stilies and cultures.so i think the most important thing to recogize reasons of differences for to judging diferences

that post is soo true like when u met you can be sure he liked you in the nice, fitted clothes you wore, but now he thinks u are mother theresa ..yeh right

Well girls, I don't like the double-standard as well. On the other hand, we have an idiom in Turkish ' Vurun abalıya!'. I think what you are doing with your posts here suits to this idiom. I will not translate the idiom, but if you give a try yourselves to translate it,then you will understand what Turkish men feel after reading your posts in this thread.

Vur abalıya! Jump on him while he´s down! (a reproach).