Vur abalıya! Jump on him while he´s down! (a reproach).

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"[...] lots of people want to understand better what a healthy relationship should be like.
Correspondents are unsure whether a characteristic they see in their partner and do not like is “cultural” or a “personal trait.” This works both ways; sometimes they are a non-Turk with a Turkish loved one, sometimes vice versa.

Writer Hara Estroff Marano has researched many sources and questioned many experts on this subject, thus culling some basic relationship rules. I came across these recently and thought they would be very helpful. The first I want to share with you is what I might term a “Golden Rule.”

If you don’t understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don’t assume.
Talking together about how such and such a behavior is surprising for you, is it normal in his/her culture, etc. can help solve many misunderstandings.

Another pearl of wisdom from Marano is:

Solve problems as they arise. Don’t let resentments simmer.

If you wait until you have a whole list of issues then you will probably be past solving them! Either you will be so angry that you cannot talk together calmly and respectfully, or the behavior/attitude will be so engrained the other will be unable to change.

And if the problem is not raised by you, but your partner raises a problem they have with you, what does Marano advise?

Listen, truly listen, to your partner’s concerns and complaints without judgment. Empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner’s perspective as well as your own.

Here are a few more of Marano’s ideas: They are universal, but will be influenced by culture. I suggest you print these rules off and work through them.

Choose a partner wisely and well. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend -- look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.

Know your partner’s beliefs about relationships. Make sure your ideas don’t conflict.

Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.

Respect, respect, respect. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.

View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team: your differences.

Know how to manage differences; this is the key to success in a relationship.

Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by culture.

Don’t rush things. If you need time to understand each other better, then take it. Far better to get married a few months later, totally sure you are committing yourself to the person you can love for the rest of your life, than to walk down the aisle quickly with your fingers crossed hoping for the best.

“The path of true love never did run smooth.” Working through issues will make you stronger people and enable your relationship to grow. If you genuinely love, you will trust!"


Charlotte McPherson, "He loves me....He loves me not...", Today's Zaman, 17.03.2007