Living - working in Turkey |
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"being presented to the family"
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| 10. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 04:53 pm |
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Yes I am also interested in knowing what is sick about this. My ex-boyfriend told me you do this to older people in Turkey, but he was from a traditional religious family, should this have been some sort of "sign" to me?
As when my grandfather was very sick just before he died, my b/f did this to him when he would visit. We are 25, is this odd?
Thanks
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| 11. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 05:50 pm |
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Quoting sjm0698: As when my grandfather was very sick just before he died, my b/f did this to him when he would visit. We are 25, is this odd?
Thanks |
Kissing a grandparents hand is a sign of respect in traditional lifestles. It is traditional but it is alright.
If your boyfriend kisses his father's or mother's hand then this is a sign to be suspicious of. If other adults kiss those people's hand, then it is a bigger sign to be suspicious of.
There are traditional lifestyles in Turkia that foreigners can not understand. These are related to bigger communal families and control and power inside the bigger family. They could be dangerous as well since the younger members of those families are obliged to do anything the older ones tell them even if it is a crime, murder or anything you can imagine. They will find a tradition for every crime.
Usually the older members of the bigger family have meetings to discuss how the younger ones are doing. In these kind bigger families it is also common to share economics. If one of the boys marry a girl these bigger families see the girl like a property they have bought. The property (the wife) is transfered to other brothers if the man dies.
In a communal bigger family (again something foreigners don't understand) if a younger member is in contact with a foreign girl the older members will not say anything if they are expecting some economical or social gain from this relationship. In this case everybody in that family will pretend but they will think the girl is a (unethical woman). They think all foreign females are unethical. Even your boyfirend might think that all foreign females are unethical.
Here is another sign: If there is a female in one of the relatives house who is living with them but you can not easiliy uınderstand why then this female is likely to be the second wife of the man. They will never say you "look this is my uncles's second wife" and they might introduce her differently.
If your boyfriend has a non-Turkish ethnical background and adults kiss each other's hand then you should be very suspicious about this family. Foreigners can not identify dangerous lifstyles while a modern Turkish female would identify this in seconds.
Another problem is that normal Turkish people prevent contact automatically with those too traditional ethnical lifestyles and therefore most of them don't know either what is going on inside those traditional bigger families. I'm not expecting many of our Turkish members will have ever met such people in person that I am talking about. Interesting foreigners always meet the type of people and families that ordinary Turkish people would avoid.
The best advice you can get about your boyfriend or his familiy can be from a modern Turkish female grown in big city. If you don't have such friends then there is nobody to warn you about the dangers you might be in.
Foreigners don't understand those traditional, religious, conservative lifestyles. If a man was beating his wife continuously in such a family nobody from the bigger family would do anything about it except giving full support to the man.
In some of such too traditional families there is no ethics at all. The cheatings or tricks could be a family bussiness.
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| 12. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 06:05 pm |
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sorry had to delete
Edited (2/6/2009) by Marinka
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| 13. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 06:12 pm |
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I am sure you are right. However, don't you think it would be wise to listen to the advice of fellow Turkish classmates? Perhaps, as was suggested, it would be interesting to talk to a "city" Turkish girl about this subject. If your relationship is as serious as you say, it would be wise to find out all your can about your boyfriend's family, and their true feelings about your relationship. Good luck!
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| 14. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 06:20 pm |
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Quoting Marinka: I do remember once that a woman that came to the house gave me her hand and made it obvious that i had to kiss it and than she almost pressed it to my forhead herself. This was a bit shocking. |
This is a sign to take seriously. This is not normal. You could be dealing with a problem family. If you have some pictures of your boyfriend and his family and if you have a modern Turkish female friend you could get better advice.
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| 15. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 06:26 pm |
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Problem family? Oh what do you mean Erdinç? Is this a serious thing to happen?  Why? I just thought it was a sign of respect.
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| 16. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 06:31 pm |
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Apologies in advance if this upsets anyone, but I do not believe there is ANY occasion when a "traditional" Turkish family would be happy for their son to marry outside their culture, religion and country, unless the long term prospects of such a marriage were of financial benefit.
Such things are taken so lightly in European countries and it is only the happiness of the daughter or son which matters. We do not have to support our parents when we start working and throughout our lives, and in fact rely on our parents financially throughout much of our lifetime.
In Turkey the opposite is true and therefore the financial prospects of marriage MUST be of great importance to them. I am sure there are exceptions, but this is just my view.
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| 17. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 06:34 pm |
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| 18. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 06:41 pm |
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Quoting aenigma x: Apologies in advance if this upsets anyone, but I do not believe there is ANY occasion when a "traditional" Turkish family would be happy for their son to marry outside their culture, religion and country, unless the long term prospects of such a marriage were of financial benefit.
Such things are taken so lightly in European countries and it is only the happiness of the daughter or son which matters. We do not have to support our parents when we start working and throughout our lives, and in fact rely on our parents financially throughout much of our lifetime.
In Turkey the opposite is true and therefore the financial prospects of marriage MUST be of great importance to them. I am sure there are exceptions, but this is just my view. |
I would marry you just because you are A BLONDE, aenigmax. I don't care how much property you have or income you get or if you would agree to support my parents.
Ehi!
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| 19. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 06:44 pm |
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Quoting cyrano: I would marry you just because you are A BLONDE, aenigmax. I don't care how much property you have or income you get or if you would agree to support my parents.
Ehi! |
Hahahaha! Oh Cyrano!  ! But how would your parents feel eh?  that is the question!
Look, I love to be proved wrong. Give me ONE example, JUST ONE, where a European girl has married a Turkish boy and is living, fully integrated, within a Turkish community? The only marriages I know of are where the couple lives in the girl's country, or they live in separate countries while some poor child is deprived of a parent. Ehi!
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| 20. |
28 Aug 2006 Mon 06:44 pm |
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It can be a sign of respect but in this case the ones who kiss give the respect and not the ones who let their hand kissed ask for respect. There is reason to be suspicious since the person should not ask for her hand to be kissed.
I agree that it is a sign of respect but it is more common for children. Kissing hands between adults is very limited to certain relatives.
In any case there is strong reason for being suspicious. Most of our members in this website are from West Turkia and they have no idea about these traditional families. If it had been reletad to themselves they would automaticaly avoid contact with those people.
Signs to be suspicious of:
1. If adults kiss another adults hand
2. If there is economical relation inside the bigger family
3. If the family owns lots of land but is very poor
4. If there is a female living in a house of relatives that you can not explain
5. If young female members of the family wear headscarf
6. When walking in the street if female family members are walking behind a male family member (age of this male is unimportant).
7. If your boyfriend has no normal female friend at all
8. If your botfriend listens arabesk music
9. If your boyfriend can't wear a short and t-short in public or he shows some resistance for wearing either shorts or t-shorts.
10. If any of the male members of the family wear a silver ring
You should be suspicious about this family.
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