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Forum Messages Posted by erdinc

(1958 Messages in 196 pages - View all)
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Thread: "being presented to the family"

281.       erdinc
2151 posts
 28 Aug 2006 Mon 07:14 pm

Quoting robin01:

oh yeah...and i have no money..so nothing to gain lol



If you are Western girl you don't have to have money. The person might be interested on you to get a visa and working permission or indefinite residence and his family might be hoping the same for themselves.



Thread: "being presented to the family"

282.       erdinc
2151 posts
 28 Aug 2006 Mon 07:12 pm

No. Silver ring is a religios symbol for men.



Thread: "being presented to the family"

283.       erdinc
2151 posts
 28 Aug 2006 Mon 07:02 pm

If you marry a somebody you expect to share your life. You expect to make desicions together related to your marriage.

For instance you expect to decide together where you will live, buy a house, grow your children, where you invest your money etc. In a traditional family a man, instead talking to his wife will talk to other male members of his familiy and then will make desicions on these issues.

Of course it is possible that the male members might decide on directions where it is the most to benefit from. In all possible cases, in too tradition families the females have no say but the man and his family may pretend differently until a certain time.

If you think this is not a problem for you then good luck.



Thread: "being presented to the family"

284.       erdinc
2151 posts
 28 Aug 2006 Mon 06:44 pm

It can be a sign of respect but in this case the ones who kiss give the respect and not the ones who let their hand kissed ask for respect. There is reason to be suspicious since the person should not ask for her hand to be kissed.

I agree that it is a sign of respect but it is more common for children. Kissing hands between adults is very limited to certain relatives.

In any case there is strong reason for being suspicious. Most of our members in this website are from West Turkia and they have no idea about these traditional families. If it had been reletad to themselves they would automaticaly avoid contact with those people.

Signs to be suspicious of:

1. If adults kiss another adults hand
2. If there is economical relation inside the bigger family
3. If the family owns lots of land but is very poor
4. If there is a female living in a house of relatives that you can not explain
5. If young female members of the family wear headscarf
6. When walking in the street if female family members are walking behind a male family member (age of this male is unimportant).
7. If your boyfriend has no normal female friend at all
8. If your botfriend listens arabesk music
9. If your boyfriend can't wear a short and t-short in public or he shows some resistance for wearing either shorts or t-shorts.
10. If any of the male members of the family wear a silver ring

You should be suspicious about this family.



Thread: "being presented to the family"

285.       erdinc
2151 posts
 28 Aug 2006 Mon 06:20 pm

Quoting Marinka:

I do remember once that a woman that came to the house gave me her hand and made it obvious that i had to kiss it and than she almost pressed it to my forhead herself. This was a bit shocking.



This is a sign to take seriously. This is not normal. You could be dealing with a problem family. If you have some pictures of your boyfriend and his family and if you have a modern Turkish female friend you could get better advice.



Thread: "being presented to the family"

286.       erdinc
2151 posts
 28 Aug 2006 Mon 05:50 pm

Quoting sjm0698:

As when my grandfather was very sick just before he died, my b/f did this to him when he would visit. We are 25, is this odd?
Thanks



Kissing a grandparents hand is a sign of respect in traditional lifestles. It is traditional but it is alright.

If your boyfriend kisses his father's or mother's hand then this is a sign to be suspicious of. If other adults kiss those people's hand, then it is a bigger sign to be suspicious of.

There are traditional lifestyles in Turkia that foreigners can not understand. These are related to bigger communal families and control and power inside the bigger family. They could be dangerous as well since the younger members of those families are obliged to do anything the older ones tell them even if it is a crime, murder or anything you can imagine. They will find a tradition for every crime.

Usually the older members of the bigger family have meetings to discuss how the younger ones are doing. In these kind bigger families it is also common to share economics. If one of the boys marry a girl these bigger families see the girl like a property they have bought. The property (the wife) is transfered to other brothers if the man dies.

In a communal bigger family (again something foreigners don't understand) if a younger member is in contact with a foreign girl the older members will not say anything if they are expecting some economical or social gain from this relationship. In this case everybody in that family will pretend but they will think the girl is a (unethical woman). They think all foreign females are unethical. Even your boyfirend might think that all foreign females are unethical.

Here is another sign: If there is a female in one of the relatives house who is living with them but you can not easiliy uınderstand why then this female is likely to be the second wife of the man. They will never say you "look this is my uncles's second wife" and they might introduce her differently.

If your boyfriend has a non-Turkish ethnical background and adults kiss each other's hand then you should be very suspicious about this family. Foreigners can not identify dangerous lifstyles while a modern Turkish female would identify this in seconds.

Another problem is that normal Turkish people prevent contact automatically with those too traditional ethnical lifestyles and therefore most of them don't know either what is going on inside those traditional bigger families. I'm not expecting many of our Turkish members will have ever met such people in person that I am talking about. Interesting foreigners always meet the type of people and families that ordinary Turkish people would avoid.

The best advice you can get about your boyfriend or his familiy can be from a modern Turkish female grown in big city. If you don't have such friends then there is nobody to warn you about the dangers you might be in.

Foreigners don't understand those traditional, religious, conservative lifestyles. If a man was beating his wife continuously in such a family nobody from the bigger family would do anything about it except giving full support to the man.

In some of such too traditional families there is no ethics at all. The cheatings or tricks could be a family bussiness.



Thread: "being presented to the family"

287.       erdinc
2151 posts
 28 Aug 2006 Mon 04:13 pm

There is a whole and unique way of understanding the World behind this hand kissing tradition. I don't want to talk to much on this unique way but it is sick. If my parents were the type of people who let their hands kissed by adults I would stop talking to my parents. It's too sick.



Thread: "being presented to the family"

288.       erdinc
2151 posts
 28 Aug 2006 Mon 03:29 pm

Quoting Marinka:

It is common to kiss the hand of older people and press it to your forhead.



This is a bad idea. I don't suggest for an adult female or male to kiss anybodies hand. This tradition actually applies for children. They kiss people's hand and get some money or sweets during Bayram.

Among adults it is not very common. Only very local and too traditional families keep that one living among adults.

In small villages kissing hand means I opey your power. Kissing hand among adults is more common among villagers and farmers.

The best thing to do is to kiss cheeks with his mother, first one side and then the other. You don't actually kiss her cheek but pretend doing so. With the father you just shake hands.

If you actually kissed the father's hand and the father did let you kiss his hand you should seriously reconsider your situation. He shouldn't have let you.

The kissing hand tradition is not a good sign if you have seen it in a familiy. I would be very suspicious about that kind of familiy where I see an adult kissing another adults hand. I would think they are too traditional or conservative. The problem with these type families is that they get involved too much in relateions.

If I had a fiance and had introduced her to my mother she would never kiss my mother's hand and if she did by incident I would leave her.



Thread: -ki and -in suffixes

289.       erdinc
2151 posts
 27 Aug 2006 Sun 08:36 pm

I see your point. When putting it that way it makes more sense.

In short, I think, looking for a smillarity between 'çünkü' and any word that has a relative pronoun (dünkü, buradaki etc) was a bad idea but pointing to the fact that 'için' and 'çünkü' have a relation between each other that comes from their etymological backgrounds, is a good point. To tell the turth, I didn't know these words were etymologicaly connected.

I think your last examples are a good educational approach to the issue.



Thread: Help with vocabulary

290.       erdinc
2151 posts
 27 Aug 2006 Sun 06:47 pm

'lakin' is old fashioned. It is almost omited from the language.

'Fakat' and 'ama' are used. I always pick 'ama' and almost never use 'fakat'.



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