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Jokes and riddles
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90.       peacetrain
1905 posts
 08 Mar 2008 Sat 08:53 pm

Quoting lady in red:

Quoting peace train:

Quoting Daydreamer:


'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized '.



Handsom . . could you not find a better job in all of the UK?



Well - that was an hysterically funny comment.


You are probably right, I overstepped the mark. Sorry to offend.

91.       Daydreamer
3743 posts
 20 Mar 2008 Thu 05:26 pm

British sense of humoUr made my day


John Cleese's "Letter To America"

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra"; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for "Big Girls Blouse").

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese

92.       Elisabeth
5732 posts
 20 Mar 2008 Thu 05:41 pm

Very funny Daydreamer!!

I love John Cleese!

93.       lady in red
6947 posts
 20 Mar 2008 Thu 09:08 pm

Brilliant!

94.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 05 May 2008 Mon 03:37 pm

The Colonel and the Camel

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"

"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point."

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?"

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

"Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"

95.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 05 May 2008 Mon 03:38 pm

Better health plan

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was
being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room
where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the
Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

"Ah," said the doctor, "Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that
you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."

"Oh." said Her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable."

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open
and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

"Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty, "I demand an explanation of
this kind of sordid goings- on!"

"Ah," said the Doctor, "same problem - better health plan."

96.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 05 May 2008 Mon 03:38 pm

Pet Names

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her real name about ten years ago."

97.       thehandsom
7403 posts
 05 May 2008 Mon 03:42 pm

O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,etc. on TV.

98.       catwoman
8933 posts
 05 May 2008 Mon 03:59 pm

Quoting thehandsom:

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.


You must be a wild lover if this is how she feels about your sex life! lollollollollol
I can imagine how it goes: "honey, lie this way so that I can get it in right, we haven't made love in a while..."

99.       Avalon
381 posts
 06 May 2008 Tue 09:43 pm

Believe it or not.
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MENstrual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

100.       Avalon
381 posts
 07 May 2008 Wed 10:11 pm


Beauty Parlor:
A place where women curl up and dye

Cannibal:
Someone who is fed up with people

Dust:
Mud with the juice squeezed out

Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

Gossip:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage

Handkerchief:
Cold storage

Inflation:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

Raisin:
Grape with a sunburn

Tomorrow:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

Mosquito:
An insect that makes you like flies better

Yawn:
An honest opinion openly expressed

Secret:
Something you tell to one person at a time
Atom Bomb: An invention made to end all inventions.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Classic: A book which people praises, but do not read.

College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually looks forward to the trip.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

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